Patsy's thoughts around the scenes in 4.07 plus my take on what we didn't see.

All in Patsy's POV

Heavens that's was close, I can't believe Trixie so blatantly said I preferred Deels' company to hers. I mean obviously I do, I prefer the company of the woman I love to anything else, but I don't need her to know that. Thankfully the look on her face told me she was teasing, I just hope my face didn't give too much away.

I shot her a reassuring smile to check she was perfectly happy with me going out.

"I'll try to be quiet coming back"

I've got butterflies as I walk to the alley where we're meeting. It's been so long since Deels and I have been alone, together that I don't know how to be. I turn the corner and there she is. Her charcoal hair pulled back, her tartan coat pulled up around her neck, surely keeping out the chill that this evening has brought. She is beautiful, I pause for a second to take her in, she looks up and I can tell she's seen me, her face lights up and her radiating smile beams in the low lighting of our meeting point.

"Hello Pats"

She springs towards me on the balls of her feet, her heels not touching the ground. We pull each other into an embrace, which to an outsider looks nothing more than friendly, but to Deels and I we know it's more, so much more. I have to fight myself not to kiss her or spin her around while we hug, like I've seen in so many pictures.

We reluctantly release each other and head to The Silver Buckle, walking close enough to graze each other's hands now and again but far enough apart to not raise suspicion.

We take a seat in the middle of the cafe, not exactly where I had hoped to sit, a little more exposed, but it's rather busy which leaves little choice. Deels tells me about her day, and while I know it must be very interesting, men's surgical often is, I don't take an awful lot of the detail in, I'm too entranced by her, her blue grey eyes sparkling, the curl of her lips and she speaks. I come back to the real world just as she asks about my day.

I tell her about the fire at the maternity home and the chaos that followed. I'm in the middle of telling her that Sister Evangelina doesn't get terrified when Deels reaches out and touches my hand. I'm surprised the power didn't short circuit from the spark that gave me. At the same time I tensed, what was she thinking, touching me in public.

She quickly apologises and tells me she doesn't know what she'd do if she lost me. My heart melts

"I'm the same" I offer a smile but it doesn't do justice to how I really feel.

Deels looks like she may cry as she talks about feeling like a ghost. Then she says something that makes my heart break; that she thinks it would be easier to get married and accept that she and I can never be.

I feel sick at the thought and wish she hadn't just said those words.

"Delia, do you think I can bare it?"

"I think you cope with facades better than I do"

Well this is going splendidly, I roll my eyes and take a drag from my cigarette, wondering if this is the end of our relationship, if I could ever have called it that.

A man from the table next to ours comes over offering to buy is cake. Delia shots me a look, telling him we don't like cake, which I know really means 'we don't like men!' Pulls her coat off of the chair behind her and walks out, not saying a word.

I jump up grabbing my coat and purse and run after the woman I love, who I hope still loves me too. I follow her back down the alley were we met eventually catching up with her, checking behind me for witnesses before pulling her back towards me.

"You don't really want to get married do you?" I look right into her eyes dreading her answer but knowing I need to know how she feels

"Yes, more than anything" my heart sinks to the bottom of my stomach I feel I may cry, but hold it together. Delia looks right in my eyes, it's like she can see all the way to my soul. She takes me hand in the safe darkness of the alley.

"To You, you fool" I heart is beating far faster than is safe, I want to take her I my arms, my lips curl into the tiniest smile as she continues to speak.

"But I can't. So that's that." Her eyes are brimming with tears, as are my own, tears that I will not to fall. She moves to walk away, still holding my hand.

I take a quick glance around and pull back towards me and down the steps to my right. Neither of us make a sound, staring into each other's eyes, penetrating our souls. Delia I between the wall and I. I lower my head and gently kiss those rose coloured lips.

It's unlike any kiss we've had before, it's deep and slow, as if we're both savouring ever second. Delia's arms come up around my neck and mine wrap around her waist.

After what feels like forever but I imagine was only a couple of second our lips break apart. I rest my forehead on hers and smile.

"I love you Delia Busby and I will find a way for us to be together... I promise"

We both grin as Delia takes my hand.

"I love you Patsy Mount"

She squeezes it tight, sending yet more shivers down mine spine. We stand in silence, each wishing this moment to never end when we hear someone coming down the alley. We quickly straighten ourselves up and I use my thumb to wipe my lipstick off Deels' lip. She kisses it as I finish and we walk back towards the alley and home in comfortable silence. As always appearing as friends to anyone passing us, but grazing each other's hands too frequently to be accidental.

We reach the point where our joint walk ends. Delia turns to me, her eyes full of tears once more.

"Deels please don't cry darling" I gently take her hand.

"Pats these are mostly happy tears, there'll always be sad tears while be can't be openly together but tonight has been truly wonderful so the happy tears win"

She gives me another Delia smile that I find irresistible. We embrace again, this time for longer than before but I'm beginning to care less. Why can't I embrace the person I love just because she a woman. Trixie and Tom embraced and kissed in public many times when they were courting.

"Are you coming to the turnip parade on Halloween?" I ask into her shoulder not wanting to break the hug just yet.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world" she pulls away, leaving me feeling like she's taken a part of me with her.

"Goodnight Pats" she gives my hand one last gentle squeeze before turning toward the nurses home path.

"Goodnight Deels" I watch her walk alone the path until I can't see her anymore, only then do I begin my own walk back to Nonnatus. I pull my coat collar close to me to allow me to smell Delia, her perfume embedded in my coat.

I creep into the bedroom as quiet as I can. Trixie is already asleep on top of the bed covers, an empty bottom of scotch on the dresser between the beds. 'Oh Trixie' I think and I pull the blanket over her legs. I then pick up the bottom and hide it in the dresser drawer with the others from this week.

I quietly undress and get into my own bed. Reaching under the mattress I pull out my journal and more importantly the photo of Delia and I, tucked in the back cover. With my back to the door I stare as the photograph, as I do every night and will every night until we can be together properly.

I feel tiredness creep over me as I run my finger over Delia face, her cheeks, her jaw, her lips. The lips that less than an hour ago were on my lips. I bring the photo up and kiss it, closing my eyes to remember every detail of that kiss in the alley. Folding the photograph back into the journal cover and return to its secret hiding place. I turn off the light and drift into a deep, Delia filled sleep.