Never To Know

by sushiCAKE

[rated] pg13 for language and sexuality

[disclaimer] all belongs to "Just Kidding'" Rowling…jkjkjk!

[summary] harry's thoughts on draco

[author's notes] the first paragraph is based on how i feel for someone…^-^



He will never know what goes through my mind when I see him. It hurts but it's like a blessing. If he knew, well, that's one future Death Eater down. It's like what they say in the action movies Dudley watches, "Now that you know, I can't let you live." Oh, it would be salt in a wound if he knew.

I remember the first time I met him. He looked down at me as I stepped up onto my stool. Until I met Ron, I closed myself up and didn't say anymore than I had to. You wouldn't believe all that I had wanted to say to him when I saw my Angel. And when he spoke, his cold words burned my insides like Hell. The nerve of him! To talk about his parents as if they were servants to someone who would do anything to get his own back. I know he hadn't meant to…

His words still burn to this very day. They burn my ears, my blood, my insides, my heart; they burn my very being. But the way he says them, the way his lips twist into that appealing smirk makes everything warm and tingly, in a not so warm and tingly way. He makes me sick of myself when I dream about that smirk hovering above me as he screws me. And then I wonder, does he wear that expression when he's screwing or getting screwed? Which does he prefer? Has he ever done either? I figure he has and prefers being the screwer. That sure makes my dumbstick warm and tingly.

I watch him every chance I get. I study the way he eats, holds things, writes, watches Snape, walks, anything that would give me a clue of how he does in bed. I have yet to see him give tongue service to a spoon. What a long and hard day that'll be when I do!

I mask my feelings with looks of loathing, like the ones Ron gives him. It's so difficult to keep my mask from slipping when my body is just begging to snatch him off to a secluded area and show him what I've wanted for 5 years. Yet, it works so well. He continues to hate me as he has since I rejected his hand that fateful day at the beginning of my first year. In my dreams, he doesn't really hate me. He only acts like it because he thinks I do.

He dominates my thoughts. When I don't have classes with him, I see the back of his silver head. When I'm in Potions with him, I see his face turning to smirk at me. When he turns to smirk at me, I see him walking over to me. When he walks over to me, I see him taking off his clothes. When he's throwing punch after punch in my face, I see him kissing me roughly. When he's beating the shit out of me, I see him screwing me. When he comes into the Hospital Wing after a lecture from McGonnagal, I see him walking over to me because he wants me as badly as I want him. My fantasy world is shattered by reality when he walks past me, throwing a hateful glance my way. And this is when it hits me:

He is never to know how I feel, and I deserve it, because I am the Boy-Who-Lived, not the Boy-Who-Loved and I never will be.



*u've gone this far, won't u review now?