A/N: HELLO FELLOW FANFIC FREAKS! After like a year of being internet-less, I am now back online and ready to write some more horrible, pointless crap! Buwhah! And in that whole year, I have become uberlly obessed with Fruits Basket! Or more specifically, Akito Sohma!

Yes yes, I know what your thinking: "Dude………..the dudes a chick." Right? Well here's what I have to say on that matter:
Puts fingers in ears and starts to hum Ayame's Song NOT TRUE NOT TRUE NOT TRUE NOT TRRUUUUEEEE!

I'm totally ignoring that fact in this ficcy (And in life)! He's too cool and pretty to be female! So there. (He just has a few issues, like gynecomastia.)

Anywho's……….Well I totally disturbed him in this as well…….but it's all in good fun! Like I've said, I adore !him!

Well read on and enjoy!

DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING IN THIS FIC! PLEASE FROM THE BOTTOM OF YOUR HEART DON'T SUE MEEE!

Prescription For Disaster

CH 1

A Date With Ronald

Akito's POV:

What a boring day.

I mean all days were quite boring, but this was unbearable.

Hatori Whore was looking over documents of my health (which were indeed, tremendously long) in his office, and the rest of my family was avoiding me.

Not that I blamed them of course.

Actually yes, I do blame them. Damn them to hell. Insufferable I-Can-Do-Whatever-I-Want-Cause-I'm-Not-Dying bastards.

I don't sound too bitter do I?

Well anyway, all I had for company was my birdies.

They don't have much too say, kind of tiresome if you were to ask me. Like talking to a brick wall.

Plus they sometimes tend to smell.

And I loathe smelly things.

Ahh, sigh, so utterly bored.

Suddenly, an idea came to me!

I sprang from my place on the tatami tiled floor, (Hmm, someday I'll have to find a comfier place to wallow in self pity, it does dreadful things to my poor scrawny ass.) of course, doing this, caused my kimono to slip off my pale shoulders.

I guess this means I'll have to change if I wanted my plan to succeed.

I glared at the bird that still sat on my finger.

"De-robe me." I replied to it.

With that said, the white birdie flew off. But he heard what I said all right, oh he KNEW! But he just disobeyed my order! Damn you, I'll eat you someday.

If I ever have an appetite.

Now, to search for a slave-servant person to robe me in more appropriate clothing!

Bwhaha!

A short time later, I found myself dressed in my "town" clothes. Which were my black tight pants, my black tight long sleeved top, my black knee high socks, my black loafers, and of course my black sparkly thong.

What?

Akito Glare.

I didn't ask you for your opinion! I AM THE HEAD OF THIS FAMILY AND I'LL DO AS I PLEASE!

Plus, it makes me jolly to know that this may be the only secret Whore Tori does not know about.

…………Or does he?

Akito Glare.

I slithered my way into Hatori Whores Office, where I found him as his desk going over….something, but I really don't give a damn what. It's most likely about me.

Hm, maybe I do give a damn after all…..But I have other things do deal with at the moment!

I tried to speak, but damn it all, my voice has failed me!

I tired again, this time I was able to come up with enough saliva and oxygen to speak a few words.

"Hatori" I whispered.

Hatori Whore looked up from his work, and stared at me with his one pretty olive eye.

Oh yes, so very pretty.

He's my pretty Whore Tori. My own personal he-bitch.

"Akito-sama? What are you doing out of bed?" He inquired.

I shot him my smile. You know what smile I'm talking about. The one where I just curve my lip up a bit. So sexy! So sadistic! So very me-ish! Bwha! Fear me!

Open mouth.

Failed.

Gather up oxygen and saliva….

Success!

"I'm going out." I replied simply.

I watch in amusement as his one beautiful eye opens wide.

"Out?" He spoke, "As in outside?"

Time for the Akito Glare. Well of COURSE outside! Where the hell would I go! You smelly dipshit!

"Yes. Outside." I said stiffly.

Hatori Whore swallowed.

Damn you, you can waste that saliva without a second thought, can't you!

"But, Akito-sama, with your health-"

"My health if fine to go out for a stroll. Is that too much to ask?"

Whore Tori swallowed again, (How I HATE it when he does that) and nodded.

"Alright then, how long will you be gone for?"

How long? Hmm….Never thought about that.

Gather up enough breath this time, andddddd….

"Expect me when I am back. Until then." And with that, I slithered out of the room.

Once I was out in the main hallway, I ordered a slave-servant person to open the main door, which led to the outside world.

I was met with sunlight.

Squint.

Sigh.

Akito Glare.

"Stupid sunlight." I muttered to no one in particular. I do that quite a bit.

I walked out to the main roadway, and then stopped.

I just remembered something that I should have thought about before….

Where was I going to go?

As I stared at the street, which was completely uninhabited, ideas popped through my head on what I could do.

I could walk somewhere.

I could glare at people.

Or I could stare at the new types of birds that inhabit the outside!

…..

I need a new hobby.

In the end, it was a sign that helped me choose.

A sign that said the words in bright yellow letters, "McDonalds, We're lovin' it!"

Hmmm….Who is this McDonald person? And what is it that he is providing that makes people "love it?"

Perhaps he's a smelly prostitute?

Well my fri-, slave, apparently I have to take the next exit on the left to find out!

A very long, and tiring 1 hour walk later, (How the hell was I supposed to know that the exit was 1 km away! 1 bloody kilometer! My body wasn't made to walk that distance!) I found myself in front of a brick building, with the letter 'M' plastered all over the place.

This McDonald person must be quite popular.

I walked to the main door where people, overweight, smelly ones, walked in and out.

Hmmmm, how odd.

This door was not sliding.

Nor was there and slave-servant people to open it.

Sigh.

Akito Glare.

I'll just open it myself then!

Grab handle, pull.

I see I have not summoned enough strength.

Grasp handle, heave.

Still nothing.

Well bloody freaking hell! Can't this McDonald man invest in better doors!

Oh look, a sign is on the door.

"Push" It read.

Very long Akito Glare.

Grip handle and push.

SUCCESS!

I walk into this house place thingy, and see seats everywhere.

If I had known better, I would have said that it was some sort of American restaurant!

I slowly made my way up to the counter, where one of the employees worked.

….What a stupid, stupid hat she wore.

And that apron! Please female, invest in the color BLACK!

"HI! Can I take your order?" She said in a perky, high pitched voice.

My ears weren't made to listen to this type of annoying speech!

Oxygen, saliva andddd….

"I came to see Mr. McDonald."

This female looked at me as if I were a he/she!

…..

I suppose she did have the right to stare then…..

Akito Glare.

"Excuse me?" She stuttered.

Stupid speech impairment.

"You heard what I said." I spat.

The female was starting to look nervous.

Haha, yes, you SHOULD be nervous. For I am me! Akito Sohma! Maybe she wasn't as dumb as she looked!

But she then just smiled.

Forget what I just said.

"Oh, you must mean a Happy Meal!" She exclaimed.

…The hell? A……..A………Happy Meal?

"Do I look like the type who would want this freakin' HAPPY MEAL!" I roared.

But alas, she wasn't paying attention to me.

"Okay, what kind of drink would you like with that?" She asked.

Maybe this McDonald man gave out drinks when he was in a 'meeting'?

"Sake." I said.

She stared dumbly at me again.

It truly does pain me to talk to someone with such a low IQ.

"Fine then, coffee." Ahhh, coffee. My only love. Besides my birdies. But sadly, Hatori Whore never lets me drink it. 'Bad for your bladder' my pale ass.

Meanwhile, the twit was punching in a few buttons on what looked like a cash register.

"Okay that comes to $3.89! Is this to stay or to go?"

Okay, so now this man actually charges for meetings!

….Not a bad idea actually, I should consider it myself.

But what does she mean, to stay or to go? After every minute it looked more likely that this man was indeed a smelly street whore.

"Stay" I say, hopefully that will shut her up. Plus I gave her the said amount.

She smiled again, (I HATE her!) and handed me a tray with a bag and a cup of coffee on it.

Was this man a midget and is hiding in the bag?

I sure as hell hope not.

Secret phobia, midgets.

….

Momiji.

….

I trembled.

So now I gathered up my strength and lifted the tray, then walked to an open seat, where I stared at the bag for a little while, as my coffee grew chilly.

Sometime later, after glaring at a little kid across from me, I opened the bag.

Inside lay 3 small articles:

A bag of fries. Shockingly, I knew what these were, I too did have a childhood. For a full 2 weeks, oh how much of a nuisance I was!

Flashback:

"What's wrong Akito sama!" Hatori Whore asked the hysterical 3-year-old Akito who sat in the dark corner of the room, clutching in his arms a broken glass geisha girl doll.

"………Waaa." I replied, staring at my bitch with cold, dead, dry eyes, which caused him to back up a bit.

"What is it Akito?" Hatori pressed on.

"…………………Waaaaa." I wailed, as I rocked back and forth on the tatami.

End Flashback.

Ohhh I was such a crybaby terror!

Oh yes, back to the items in the bag.

A round-like object that was wrapped in a horrible, bright yellow package.

And what's this? I picked up the plastic object.

Some sort of, child's toy?

…Shifty eye look.

I pocketed it for later use. Maybe it would provide more conversational skills then my birdies. (And that clown doll from childhood)

After taking a sip of my coffee, (Ahh, I gurgled with pleasure!) I turned to the round thing.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I open it.

Inside lay what looked like a bread bun with a hunk of brown stuff in the middle.

Shifty eye look.

I take a sniff of the thing.

Extremely smelly.

It smelt of…..

Plastic.

And some saw dust.

But also, a hint of…………Meat?

Sniff, Sniff…. Feline meat to be more accurate!

Meat…….how long has it been since I ate it?

A few years I suppose.

Ever since I developed that 'digestive issue', as Whore Tori would say.

So what if I ate a lamb chop and couldn't stop disposing of it! …I think you have an idea what I mean.

But, Hatori Whore wasn't here.

Akito Smirk.

What's the worse that could happen? I have to take a Tums? Get Whore-Tori to shove a suppository up my ass?

Just the thought of making him do that made me quiver in glee! Tee hee!

I raised the meat like thing and…

Bite.

Chew.

Attempt to swallow.

Failed.

Chew some more.

Swallow, success!

Hm, greasy.

Good thing Hatori Whore isn't here, he would just keep on telling me how bad an idea it is as he swallows his stupid spit.

A few more bites later I'm starting to feel ill.

But I keep eating, it's like morphine. I just can't get enough of it.

….

….

Meat slab in bun is gone now.

I really regret it eating it. I mean, I have never even had an appetite! (I forgot about the whole "hungry" thing once I got my 5th severe disease.) The best I could get down was a few freaking crackers. Now I have eaten this immensely large thing.

Holy crap…………..the cramps!

Ohhh…I shant have thought the word 'crap'……

I hold my non-existent waistline, and cringe.

That little annoying brat across from me is now smiling at me.

Damn you!

I knew I needed something………..but what! What was it again! This feeling…..

YES!

That was it!

A……..a Toilet!

I look around desperately, for a sign of a toilet.

The only thing I see was a door with a distorted man painted on it.

I think it was supposed to be a human male at least.

Taking my chances, I run (crawl) my way towards it.

Inside the room, there was a line of sinks, plus a few enclosed spaces.

Perhaps that is where the toilet resides!

I open the door closest to me.

Success!

Alas, I have found the waste disposer!

Wasting no time, I ran inside the door and closed it behind me.

What?

Do you expect me to describe what took place?

Let me tell you this, when a person, after Sohma knows how long, takes THAT kind of bowel movement, it's something that I wish to celebrate ALONE!

I could not help but smile, Hatori Whore will be proud of me.

But I will share one thing with you….

Normally when I dispose myself of unwanted liquid, Whore Tori comes in and pushes down the knob thing and it flushes.

Not this time though.

As soon as I get up, it flushes, automatically!

Well of course it startled me! It would do that to you as well! And I'm sure that many other people have ran out of the stall thing with their pantaloons at their ankles gasping for breath after that happens!

All in all, it is not an incident I would like to repeat.

After I washed my dirty hands under the dirty, smelly water, and had the long and annoying task of zipping up my pants, I went back outside into the chair area.

I noticed that someone had cleaned up the place where I once sat at, which kind of ticked me off.

I didn't even get to order them to do it.

Akito Glare.

I looked at the clock on the wall, it read 6:14 pm. Hmm, time sure does fly when you have THAT hard of a task.

I think you all know what task I'm talking about here.

And in the end I didn't even have a meeting with Mr. McDonald.

And it didn't even occur to me until I was almost at my home, that maybe that meat slab WAS Mr. McDonald and the people there are just sadistic cannibals.

Oh well.

Akito Smirk.

At 7:30 I arrived back at my place, where I was met with a frantic Whore Tori. (Oh Hatori Whore, you're so ugly when you cringe your pretty little face up like that! It'll give you wrinkles!)

"Akito-sama!" He gasped, "I am relived that you are well."

Akito Glare. He was such a terrible actor, we all know that you hoped that I would kick the bucket while I was out on my adventure!

Deep breath, anddd…

"Hehe, so sorrrrrry about that. I just…….Lost track of time, I think." Wow, long sentence. Go me.

Hatori Whore went back to his usual ice bitch self. "That's good news, how was your time out?"

I smirked, "Marvelous, I even disposed myself of solid waste." I couldn't help but let out a true smile, (Which is very very rare) It's not everyday that I make bowel movement on my own you know!

Hmmm….He looked disgusted at that fact, but….why?

At the end, he just nodded. "Good for you Akito-sama, now maybe you should have a rest?" He stated.

I nodded, a rest did sound like a perfect plan. All that walking and glaring and pushing……and of course zipping up my pants.

"Yes, maybe I shall. And maybe tomorrow I'll go out again Hatori-chan."

He looked absolutely terrified at that fact.

And I had only one thing to say about that.

Akito Smirk.

A/N: And that would be the end of the 1st ch! Horrible wasn't it? Well I guess I will never know how terrible it is until you REVIEW! …Please? Chibi Akito sadist eyes

Well to see ch 2, you should really review! Till I write again!

DG3