Addison misses him. She's felt this way before – another man, another time, another life. Now it's different. She convinced herself she's another person now, a better one hopefully. But that doesn't change anything, because she's still missing him like crazy. And knowing she's the one who screwed it up, who wrote the word 'end' in the lowest corner of the book's last page – that cuts away the air from her lungs.
No air.
Maybe Kevin was her air, the good thing in her life. Thinking about it, he was the one who made her move on, turn the page, start the healing process. And now she is good. She can proudly claim she's good, great, amazing – but inside she is burning as if she's living in hell, and no matter how well she can hide it, she still knows it.
No air.
She can't breathe. She needs him to breathe. Actually, she could breathe without him, but she keeps telling herself that she can't and now her brain doesn't let her breathe. She's constantly thinking about him. About how she messed up. Didn't trust him, made a fool out of herself. Cheated on him. And he still loved her! But now he's gone, and there's no air for Addison.
No air.
She doesn't feel like she can survive this. Being alone again, in that big house. Feeling lonely. Listening to the waves and the wind, hoping to escape the rain she hates. At least when it rains she's not thinking about him.
No air.
Alcohol helps. A sip of red wine as she waits for dinner to be delivered, two or three glasses as she eats. Then a few drinks sitting in the patio, or crying herself out – and she knows she's on edge.
Then she falls asleep – or passes out, she doesn't know the difference anymore – and she finds herself dreaming about him. When she wakes up, the first question on her mind is 'what could have been?'
No air.
One day she tries to smoke. It's a first for her, she never was one if those rebellious girls who smoke to prove their friends they're cool and hardcore. She doesn't like it, and air has even more difficulties to go down to her lungs.
No air.
She's sick of it. She can't hide it anymore. She's the ghost of herself, and she doesn't like it. Agony, that's where she is. And one day she calls him. It would be great, good, if she didn't hang up after almost a minute of complete silence since she didn't know what to say.
No air.
Two days later he's at her door, as angelic as ever. She's not in hell anymore, but then she thinks that maybe he's there to turn her down. Down and apart. Air, no air, suspension.
Slow motion.
She doesn't know whether she's dreaming or not.
It's all so confused, so clouded.
Opaque.
Kevin doesn't turn her down, he doesn't tear her apart. He's smiling, and full of loving words. He holds her in her arms until she cries herself to sleep, and then he stays awake watching her. Taking in her appearance. He thinks she's beautiful even when she's a mess. A hot mess. Even if she'll maybe screw it up again. Kevin doesn't want to quit, this time.
And it's air – for the both of them.
