My eyes shot open in the middle of the night. I had the creeping suspicion that someone was watching me. I raised my head slowly, my breathing shallow. There, standing in the corner of my bedroom was the figure of a man. A beautiful man. I let out a sigh of relief. It was only Edward. He was staring me intently, his gaze burning. I quickly sat up and brushed my hair gently from my eyes.
"What are you doing here?" I breathed, my voice seductive. Edward's lips curled into a naughty, crooked smile. A shiver went down my back. He was too perfect.
"I guess I just couldn't stay away," he said smoothly. He ran his hand through his gorgeous, brown hair.
"Oh really? Well Edward, you know that I need my beauty sleep," I yawned playfully. Suddenly, Edward's face crumbled into a look of disgust.
"Jesus Christ, Bella! Your breath stinks! Damn!" Edward covered his nose with his hand, cringing. "I'm a vampire. I can smell EVERYTHING! Just brushing your teeth isn't going to cut it! Oh, God! I can smell a weeks worth of food in your mouth!" Edward turned away and gagged slightly. I jumped out of bed and hurried over to my desk, where I kept a pack of gum.
"Here, i'll chew this! Maybe you won't be able to smell anything then, although I doubt that it's my breath that you were smelling!" I said awkwardly. I walked over to my light switch and flipped it on. The room was flooded with light. I sneakily inched my tank top down my shoulder, flashing Edward some skin. There, I thought, maybe now he'll forget about my fucking breath.
"EWW! Your pores are fucking huge! Holy shit! You have more blackheads than Africa! Sick! And look at though whiteheads! It looks like someone threw salt and pepper on your face!" Edward screamed, a look of pure terror etched on his face. "NO WAY! YOU DIDN'T FUCKING PLUCK YOUR MUSTACHE? DID YOU THINK THAT I WOULDN'T NOTICE? WELL I AM NOTICING AND IT'S DISGUSTING!" Edward continued freaking out. I hurried over to my mirror and inspected my face. I mean, I'm not the best looking girl out there, but I didn't see anything majorly disgusting.
"Edward! You're such a tease! I don't see any of the things your talking about," I shoved him playfully. Edward shuddered.
"First of all bitch, I have told you twenty times that I have superhuman eyesight. I can see a thousand times better than your crooked eyes can," Edward said through gritted teeth, "And second, don't touch me. You gross me out. PLUS you have the beginning stages of a yeast infection. It smells like sea world in here."
"Edward. Please. You don't have to say that. I love you. I know that you think that it's not safe for me to be with you, but I don't care! I just want you!" I looked up at him, expecting a kiss.
"The fuck? Are you retarded? I just told you that you disgust me," Edward shook his head in shock. I went in to hug him. He threw a rock at me.
"Oh Edward! You feel like a hard, cold rock. It's ok though, I love you," I rubbed the bump that was forming on my head from the rock.
"No, stupid. I threw a rock at you. I told you many times that every time you try to hug or kiss me that I would throw a rock at your head. I don't see why you aren't getting the hint," Edward rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.
"We both knew that this relationship would hurt me, but please, don't worry. I can deal with the pain. The pain of losing you is the only pain that I can't handle," I said, gazing up at him lovingly.
"We are not in a relationship and I am glad that you're getting hurt because I DON'T LIKE YOU!" Edward yelled. I shook my head.
"Edward, I wan to lose my virginity to you. I want to please you. I'm your property. I would do anything for you. I would even move to a faraway place and never see my family again just to be with you," I said, playing with the waistband of my shorts.
"I don't give a fuck that you have absolutely no morals and that you would probably go into a coma if a guy leaves you. You're actually pathetic. It's not noble to fucking leave your family and friends for a guy that you just met. YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE! You aren't independent or intelligent or strong at all. You are a parasite that attaches herself on to men to keep herself alive. Plus you're ugly, and honestly, STEPHANIE MEYER FUCKED UP WHEN SHE WROTE YOU. Only an idiot will think that we are an actual love story. Our books are so poorly written that it's laughable. The movies are worse. Bella, I think that we both need to just fade away from the world. We should never have even been written after Stephanie Meyer had that wet dream," Edward said. I felt my world crash down on me.
"IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME, I'LL COMMIT SUICIDE!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. Yes, I would commit suicide because I couldn't be with Edward. My life is so meaningless without a boy. Forget my friends and family, a Edward is all I have.
"Get out of my room then," Edward said in a bored voice. I looked around. Oh yeah, this wasn't even my room. i was just stalking Edward and must have fallen asleep in his bed.
"Whatever. You're a pedophile and a creep. Plus you have done nothing beneficial for this world the entire 117 years you've been here," I said walking out of his room. Edward sighed.
"Well, I better start reading a good book. I'll read Harry Potter. It's actually a well thought out series that isn't a piece of shit like Twilight. Plus the female characters in this aren't useless skanks like Bella," Edward picked up his Harry Potter book. Now if only he could read...
THE END
STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT.
