Chapter 1: Castle Walls
"Everyone thinks that I have it all,
but it's so empty living behind these castle walls.
If I should tumble, if I should fall,
Would any one hear me screaming behind these castle walls?
There's no-one here at all, behind these castle walls..."
The rain fell all around me and I could hear the quiet noise as it touched the beautiful but dark flowers with hard quickness. I could feel the cold pin-pricks of the water as it fell and ran down my skin. The wet coldness seeped through my thin dress and it left small patches of cold bumps behind as cruel reminders. It was so peaceful here, so serene, so lonely. The castle garden seemed to of had a strange eeriness about it yet it still held my attention. There was something about it that just made me come back continuously despite how it looked so demonic and dark in the rain. It was the only place where I could forget my life as the Queen of Ferelden, though, the one place where I could escape my life. In this dark place I could forget that I was married to a man who would runaway and lie to me. He would hide things from me even when he knew that I knew about everything that he was doing. It had only been one year since the Archdemon was slayed, and it was under less than a year since we had gotten married. Our love had been so strong with so much passion and romance, yet here I was trying to forget him. But what happened to make our love that was so sweet turn so sour? What...?
As I reminisced, the moon broke through for just a moment and spilled her sick moonlight rays over the plants of sorrow and me. But soon enough, the the dark gray clouds came rolling in and engulfed her once more leaving me alone in the dark again. Only the sound of the rain broke the eeriness but even so, it didn't matter to me. There was no one here besides me, myself, and I. Alistair was with his whore tonight, like always. She was an elven beauty: Big azure eyes and long wheat colored hair. She had a sick ivory colored smile and a giddy laugh to accompany it. It was nothing like my black curls and gray eyes. I rarely smiled and laughed anymore and he sought a way out of this nightmare of a marriage. Did he not realize that he wasn't the only one suffering? As the rain continued to fall, I closed my eyes and hung my head low. My long dark curls veiled my sore red eyes as I thought about this: Why was I even surprised anymore? Why was I still here? Why did it get this way to begin with? Oh right, it was because I still loved him, that's why I was here. The reason for being surprised? Well, that one was obvious: I desperately wanted him to come back and sweep me off of my feet light he had so long ago. And the reason it had gotten like this?
I failed to produce an heir.
Due to the Darkspawn taint, I couldn't have any children. Numerous times we tried and tried but nothing ever came of it. No morning sickness, no baby bump, simply nothing. He wanted children so bad, he wanted to start a family and go on with his life but most of all: He desperately wanted everybody to get off of his back about having no successor for when he would pass. We only had a certain amount of time left to live and he still had no children to take his place for when he left this world to join the Maker. In his eyes, this was my fault and in mine, it was his. Over and over again we would blame one another for failing at this. As he saw it, he should have never have married me. He thought he should have married a woman who could actually do something with her body rather than nothing like me. To him, I was just one more burden in his life as the King of Ferelden. So he would run off and escape reality with his whore while I was left behind to melt away in the rain. He was such a selfish man.
However, as I continued to fade away into the darkness and rain, I could hear something rustling in the bushes beside me. I lifted my head up just slightly and looked over towards the source of the direction. I tried to listen to the noises but then nothing ever came of it besides the obvious noises of moving. At first, it was just the sounds of bushes being rustled and twigs breaking but then it turned into the sounds of a woman giggling. I didn't have any ambition to go and look but the way the giggling sounded didn't seem right to me. So without a word I walked over and hid as I focused my eyes into the darkness. As I stared I caught sight of a whisp of golden and a torn blue cloth. As I listened, I soon began to work out words the woman was speaking.
"N-no! Sir, please! We can't do this here, not in the gardens! What if the Queen is here?"
"She's not here, she's sleeping. So come on, it'll be alright." The man urged and laughed at the woman. The sound of the rain was soon joined by the sound of something being torn. At first I thought it was just two of the servants but it then occurred to me: This was Alistair and she, she was Rheina. Alistair was never the first one to urge on the sex. He had been the sweet, romantically-awkward man that I had fallen in love with but now he was just an angry man who sought sex from a woman who slept with nearly everyone in the castle. That's all he was now: an angry man who didn't love but felt lust. I couldn't watch or listen anymore. I didn't care if they heard me leave or not, I simply sat up and stormed off leaving behind the man I once loved and a whore. At first all I had felt was anger and hurt but that soon became sadness and sorrow. How could he do that to me? How could he just forget everything that we had gone through, together as both the only Grey Wardens left in Ferelden and as lovers? How could he just let us fall apart like that? How...?
There were only a few servants wandering around the barren stone halls but they asked me if I were all right or if I wanted a new pair of clothes. However, I dismissed them stating that all I wanted was to go to bed and that they should too. I warned them not to go into the garden because it was raining heavily outside. Silently I marched towards the bedroom and tried my hardest to forget this night and everything else that had happened. Just like every other night I would fall asleep and wake up without dreaming. There was no dreaming when it was all a nightmare. I would have to deal with this soon, either leaving him or producing an heir. It seemed like producing an heir was out of the question though, and dark chills consumed me from the thought of the other options. Even after all that had been set and done, I still couldn't bring myself to even think about leaving him. But I couldn't continue living like this, if this was even called living. Though for now all I would do was simply go to sleep and try my hardest to forget all of this. That's all I could do.
