Hey guys! This is a new SpaMano story by myself and LemonYellowCoat. The title is from the song 'Can You Feel My Heart?' by Bring Me The Horizon. I asked her why she made Antonio the way he is, and she said, "I portrayed Toni like that because one, he knows Lovi is being bullied- and he hates that, so he tries to stop it in anyway he can. Also, when Lovi's sad, he's sad, when he's happy, he's happy... you know, cause of the crush thing. So he tries to make him happy in anyway possible, so he's really protective because of that."
The reason I portrayed Lovino the way I did is because he's a lot like me. He hides a lot of his emotions with a smile that is usually real, but sometimes he is severely depressed and hides it. Most of the time, I am happy, but when I'm alone or am given time to think, I realize a lot of things and it makes me unhappy. This kind of thing has been happening a lot recently, I don't know why, but I let my emotions out with Lovino. None of the things that are happening to him are happening to me (at the moment?) so no, I don't (SPOILER O.O) hurt myself, my father doesn't beat me (in fact, he's the most important person in my life), so none of that stuff has to do with me, but the things he thinks are basically my feelings. Lovino will become increasingly angrier, as in the first chapter he isn't too upset. It's kind of like the origins of his anger. We hope you enjoy it!
Sincerely, Maddie and Amity.
I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone.
I long for that feeling to not feel at all.
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink.
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.
Lovino sighed, as he walked down the hall to his next class. He was surprised that no one had pushed him over yet... Then again, the hallway was vacant, so no one could do anything.
Just as he thought this, three of the schools biggest bullies, Ivan, Gilbert and Francis began to walk down the other end of the hall. "Oh, look who we have here." Ivan was the first to talk in his thick, Russian accent that sounded terrifying enough on it's own. As a reply, Lovino stepped back slightly, only to be pulled back by the collar of his shirt by Gilbert. "Going somewhere, kesese..." The Prussian laughed, as Francis took a swing at him that left him on his knees.
Antonio was jogging down the halls, a little late for class, when he heard a "Kesese~" and a crash. Ah, crap. He decided to go check out what was happening, he was late anyways. His pupils dilated when he saw what his friends were doing. Dropping his books, he ran over to Francis and held his wrist so that he couldn't punch. "What are you doing?" Francis asked with an attitude that certainly wasn't one of gratitude. Antonio frowned.
"Don't you three have to get to class?" He asked, tone friendly but eyes hard. "All the way across the building is a hard walk!" He smiled. "Fusososo, go on ahead now." He lightly nudged them on the shoulder. The three hesitated, then walked away with muttered curse words. "I'll catch you for coffee later!" Antonio called out, then turned to Romano and held a hand out to him to help him up. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." Lovino lied. He was used to this, and didn't want anyone worrying. There wasn't any point in it anyway, he didn't have any friends and the only person who presumably cared was friends with the people that make his life hell. He'd rather cut down the inconveniences when he's finally gone.
Antonio didn't buy it. "Are you sure...?" He asked. "They're idiots sometimes Lovi, I'm sorry." He smiled apologetically. "Let me walk you to class or something, okay? I'm already late, so no rush... Wait, let me grab my books." He went to grab them and then ran back. He really liked Lovino, and not in the platonic way and he didn't want him to be upset, or hurt. Of course, he knew his feelings wouldn't be returned, but the best he could do is be friendly.
Lovino smiled slightly, glad that someone was at least pretending to care about him. That's more than he could ask for. He didn't even deserve for someone like Antonio to be around. His father had made sure he knew that. His brother, Feliciano, had always been the better one out of the two. He was smarter, more talented, everything Lovino wasn't. So he was glad for the few times a month that this boy would talk to him. He followed him to his class, knowing they were both late for their separate classes. They had music together next period, but they never talked, because Francis was in that class also. So Lovino stuck with playing the piano on his own.
"So... I'll see you next period, I guess?" Antonio said once he got to his halfway over class, Spanish. The walk was wordless, but not awkward. At least, not to him. He hoped he wasn't beating himself up over something. "You play piano really well, Mr. Roma always gushes over you." The compliment was lighthearted, but sincere.
Lovino blushed. "Th-thank you... I think you're really good at the guitar..." he said quietly. He used to be much louder... When he had friends. Once they arrived at his class, math, he waved at Antonio who waved back and opened the door to his class, prepared to be yelled at by his teacher.
Antonio beamed brightly at the compliment. "Thank you Lovi." He then waved goodbye and walked into his class- the teacher was rather fond of him, so he wasn't that worried.
As the bell for next period rang, Lovino left his class and began his journey the the music room, the only class he felt comfortable being in. Once he arrived, he set his things down by the piano. A few people were already there. Alfred and Francis, who played the electric guitar while the Frenchman sang (badly, in Lovino's opinion. Though he could never tell him that.). He began to play a few random notes, not really meaning anything by them, when it became a real song that held a bit of his emotions inside the keys he struck.
A short Spanish adventure later, Antonio found himself in the music room and snagged an acoustic guitar for himself. Crossing the room and plunking down next to the horrible musicians that is Alfred and Francis, with a quick "Hi!" He absentmindedly plucked the strings. He managed to tone out the... beautiful... rendition of "Don't Stop Believing" and listened to Lovino's piano, like he always did. The song he was playing was beautiful, angry and sad and hurting. It was played with so much emotion...
He listened to the song and strummed some chords, playing along, adding a touch of hope to the remorse song. It shouldn't have worked well, but for some reason, it did.
Lovino, almost completely toned out to the rest of the word, nearly missed Antonio's rendition, and the hope his chords brought to the song Lovino was playing. It seemed to add meaning, as though the piano was his life, and the guitar was the reason for his existence. It brought a small smile to his face, one that you would only notice if you were to look closely, but still, it was there. And that meant a lot to the sad Lovino who had lost hope and gained betrayal.
Antonio was completely in the song, when a sudden "Dude!" snapped him out of it with a sour chord. "I said your name, like, 3 times! We need you to do guitar to play Cotton Eye Joe!" Alfred's eyes were shining. Antonio glanced over at Lovino and a ghost of a smile was etched on the Italian's face.
"Yeah, sure." Antonio smiled and switched gears to start playing an awful country song. He took a last glance at Lovi, apologetically smiled, and started strumming the chords for the American and the Frenchman to sing.
All of a sudden, all of the hope was gone for Lovino, but that was okay. He hadn't had much of it in the first place. But he continued his sombre song, tuning out the bad 'Where did you come from?'s that Francis was singing. It wasn't too hard to do, but his song now sounded incomplete. Not necessarily bad, but it was just... depressing to listen to, even for the Italian.
In the middle of the commotion, the door swished open and an unusually handsome middle aged man walked in. The class quickly quieted down. "Hello class!" He chirped. "Today, we're going to be beginning the big project of the year." Antonio paid a little more attention. Mr. Roma was always going on and on, hinting it was going to be the best project ever and worth 30% or more of your grade.
"You... are to be..." Mr. Roma dramatically dragged it on. "Writing a song, which you will end up performing! In front of the whole school, it's so exciting, no?" Mr. Roma let the class process this. Antonio was... surprised. He hated performing in front of crowds. "Also, you're going to have to have a partner." Several pairs of hopeful eyes met several other pairs, but Antonio was focused on Mr. Roma. "I have taken the liberty of choosing!"
Groans were heard, and Mr. Roma theatrically rolled his eyes and started reading the list of who's partnered with who. Antonio hoped he would be partnered with someone who wasn't a complete idiot...
"Antonio Carriedo and Lovino Vargas," Mr. Roma read, and Antonio smiled and looked over at Lovi happily. This was going to be interesting.
Lovino looked back at Antonio, happy he had gotten someone he could at least tolerate. He had no idea what they were going to do, though. He'd rather not play a really sad and slow song in front of the whole school.
Antonio made his way over, considering Lovino was on the piano and couldn't exactly move it. "So... What do you think we should do?" He asked quietly, turning a little in his seat to face Antonio.
"Maybe not something sad..." Antonio thought for a little. "But, I also have to decline in bubblegum pop." He glanced over to a squealing Chelles and Laura. "Something traditional, maybe?"
Lovino nodded. "I agree. Do you think it should be closer to a happy song or a sad song? Personally, I think it should be closer to sad, but not depressing..."
"Maybe it should start out sad, but then turn into something... hopeful. Still with a tinge of remorse, but there's still hope, right?" Antonio shrugged.
Lovino smiled slightly. "Okay. I think it should start out with like a low A and kind of work it's way up? The piano should be the sad parts and the guitar should add the hope and then the piano should gain hope as well. Oh! What if during the hopeful song, the guitar slowly saddens? I mean, that's what happens with people a lot of the time, right?" He exclaimed, growing slightly more excited with this whole 'writing a song' thing.
Antonio smiled as he felt a small little thrill in his abdomen. Seeing Lovi so worked up and happy made him happy as well. It was rare to catch the Italian smiling. "Yeah, that sounds great! Maybe when the guitar starts losing hope, the piano picks up, maybe to try to cheer up the guitar...? But seriously, how do you come up with this stuff so quickly?" Antonio asked, waving his hands as he spoke.
Lovino shrugs. It had always just come to him. He never had to try too hard to think of something because his mind would always be racing to figure out something they could do. Just as he was about to suggest something else, the bell rang, making him frown. He had actually been having a good time. However, all good things must come to an end, and that was the end of the day. He looked over at Francis, hoping he wouldn't follow him out or try to hurt him in some way. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah, okay. See you then~!" He stood up, grinned over his shoulder, and walked out of the classroom, hoping he would be able to get to his locker before that giant group of squealing girls that had the lockers next to him appeared.
Lovino stood up, walking out of the classroom with his things. He headed towards his locker, hoping no one would bother him. His wishes were granted for now, as no one did anything in the halls. He packed his stuff up and was about to leave, when an obnoxious french voice exclaimed, "Are those cuts on your arms!?" Lovino froze in his tracks, turning around slowly. "Man, I knew you were emo, but I didn't think you were this emo!" he then proceeded to laugh his stupid laugh, and Lovino ran out of the school as fast as he could. No doubt everyone would be talking about it for the rest of the month at least.
Luckily for Antonio, the gaggle of giggling girls had already came and went, leaving behind a chokingly thick cloud of sickly sweet perfume. His eyes stung and he coughed as he hastily got his stuff and ran out, the chemicals irritating his eyes. "Freaking allergies..." He thought- he didn't dare inhale in case he'd taste it. Rubbing his closed eyes and running, he was bound to run into someone, and he did. Lovi. He opened his watery eyes and saw how broken he looked.
"Are... you okay?" Antonio asked, completely forgetting to apologize in his concern.
Lovino thought about lying, but knew he would see through it, so he shook his head, feeling a few tears coming. He ran past Antonio and into the boy's washroom, locking himself in one of the stalls and bringing his legs up onto the seat. A few sobs hacked at his throat. He tried his hardest to keep them in, but it was hard. He had been doing so well, he had thought. It had been a week since he had hurt himself, but they just had to comment on it, didn't they? Chances are, they had just ruined it and he would be back to his habits that night, when no one noticed.
Antonio watched Lovi run into the bathroom, and then slowly followed him. Opening the door, he heard a few sobs. It broke him. "Lovi...? Are you okay..?" He repeated, cautiously.
"G-Go away..." He said quietly, his voice betraying him. It just screamed I need someone. He didn't hear any footsteps, so he knew that Antonio hadn't left. He slowly unlocked the stall, peeking his head out and looking at him. "You d-don't have to st-stay. I'm fine on my o-wn."
Antonio walked over and hugged Lovino. "No, you're not. I'm staying here until you tell me what's wrong." His tone was kind, but firm, and his green eyes showed that he was worried about Lovi.
"You're going to be waiting a wh-while." He sobbed. Antonio's arms were still around him, and he was debating whether or not he should... but screw everything, he put his head on Antonio's shoulder.
Antonio felt bad for smiling, but he couldn't help but have a miniscule grin when Lovino put his head on his shoulder. He's so cute! "Fusososo~" He reassuringly used his good mood charm. "I have time, it's okay." His shirt was getting more and more damp, but he was okay with it.
Lovino smiled slightly, but he was running out of tears to shed. He really didn't want to say anything, but if he didn't get home soon his father would kill him. Probably not literally. "Okay... I-I'll tell you, but only b-because I have to get h-ome." He said quietly. He turned a little bit, his head still on Antonio's shoulder, and lifted up his long-sleeve shirt's sleeve to show the many cuts on his arm. Some were beginning to fade, but some were from the week before.
Antonio gasped and lightly ran his fingers along the rough surface of the scabbed arm. He bit his lip. "You... you cut yourself...? Why...?"
Lovino shrugs. "Life sucks." He answered simply.
"But still..." He bit his lip. "Romano, it doesn't seem healthy..." He used his nickname affectionately, but really..? It doesn't seem healthy was the best thing he could come up with? Oi, if he didn't get mad, he would give up tomatoes for an hour. Speaking of tomatoes, he pulled one out of his bag and offered it to Lovi, knowing he was a fellow tomato fan.
Lovino smiled, if only just a tiny bit, and took the tomato. "I know it's not healthy, obviously... It's not like I enjoy doing it... It's the only way I can actually feel... you wouldn't understand."
"No, I wouldn't, but I can try to understand." Antonio then surveyed he surroundings and stood up, grabbing Lovino's hand to pull him up. He held it for a little, then smiled and released it. "Your hand is warm. Here, maybe we can get coffee or something..? A men's bathroom really is no place for conversation."
Lovino debated it. He was already late, and whether it had been five minutes or five hours, it really made not difference, so he agreed. Following Antonio out of the bathroom, he asked, "Hey, can I get my stuff quickly? I didn't really have the chance earlier..."
"Okay, where is it?" Antonio smiled warmly, glad he could actually get coffee with Lovi. Ooh, would this be a date? It made his inner 15 year old girl squeal.
"It's just to the left of here, number 528." Lovino smiled, following Antonio out of the bathroom. No one bothered him, considering Antonio was with him, and he got his things easily. "So... where are we going?"
"Ah... there's this place I usually hit called Mi Tomate Cafe. It has lots of tomato related foods. It's good." He smiled.
Lovino chuckled. "You seem quite obsessed." he laughed, taking a bite out of his own tomato. He wasn't really one to talk, considering he had written a song all about tomatoes a while before.
"Tomatoes are one of the last sources of pure beauty left." Antonio declared. "Also, I get a discount because I go there everyday. Sweet, right?" Antonio said, leading the way to the café.
Lovino smiled slightly. "That is pretty sweet." He laughed. Once they had arrived, he realized that the whole café was tomato based. He followed Antonio inside, and quickly noticed that the inside was the same as the outside, if not even better. "Well, I can see why it's called Mi Tomate..."
The store wasn't that packed- only three or so other couples chilled there, sipping drinks. Antonio walked up to the cashier lady and ordered a latte and a tomato croissant. "What do you want Lovi?" He asked, tilting his head to the side like a curious little puppy.
"Um..." Lovino looked at the menu above the cash register. He hadn't ever been to one of these places (or maybe had when he was three or so and didn't remember it), so he really had no idea what he wanted. "I'll have a tea, please..." He said, not entirely sure if that's what he wanted, but it was better than nothing. Antonio pulled out his wallet, obviously intending to pay, but Lovino couldn't exactly stop him. He didn't have any money himself, maybe a dollar or two, but that wasn't enough to pay for it, so he just let it go, promising himself that he'd pay Antonio back once he got a little bit of money for his birthday or something like that.
Antonio happily paid for the drinks and easily chatted with the lady in Spanish. When the drinks were made, he guided Lovi over to a booth where nobody really sat and looked him in the eye. "Okay, seriously... was it something I did? Or anyone else..? Because life sucks isn't going to work for me..." He looked down, his tone worried.
Lovino looked away, ashamed in himself (which wasn't exactly a /new/ thing). "No... it's just me and my stupid problems." he muttered the last part, not intending for anyone to hear it.
Antonio raised an eyebrow in concern. "Honestly, I don't mean to pry, but these problems really aren't that stupid to me." He hesitated, then put a hand over Lovi's.
Lovino blushed a little bit. /Damn. He wasn't supposed to hear that./ "They're stupid to me... I think the whole thing is stupid..."
Antonio puffed out his cheeks. "That's all...?" He said, his tone clearly indicating he thought that wasn't all.
"Yes." he says, slightly angry. He didn't want anyone to pry in what happens outside of school. It's none of his business; they hardly know each other anyways.
"Are you suuuuuuuurrrrrreeeee?" Antonio said, oblivious to the slowly angering Italian.
Lovino grits his teeth. "Positive."
Antonio bit his lip. He really needed to know. "Reeeeally...?"
"No! I am not 'alright'!" He exclaimed, jumping up from his seat and untouched cup of tea. He left the café, standing outside of it and shaking with anger. How dare he ask him questions like that! It wasn't any of his business!
Antonio blinked in surprise and Lovi got up and left. He had no clue he was irritating Lovi. Though really, the Italian was very hot-headed, he should have seen it coming. He stood up, ignoring the stares of the other patrons and waved to the staring lady, and left, finding Lovino tomato red with anger. "Ah... Lovi? I'm sorry..."
"You should be!" The short-tempered Italian exclaimed. "You have no right to interrogate me like that! I do it for a reason, and that reason is my reason alone!"
"Yeah.. you're right..." Antonio looked down. "It was rude of me. I understand if you don't want to talk to me again.."
"Idiota! Of course I'll want to talk to you again! Bastardo..." He muttered the last part, looking around. Noticing that no one was there, he took Antonio's arm and dragged him around the corner of the café. "Okay... So, I've never really told anyone this... It's hard for me, so don't get mad. And... Don't call the police. Or I will never talk to you again." He said in a hushed tone. He looked around again, noting that the coast was clear, and pulled up the bottom of his shirt. "My... My dad did this..." He said quietly, tearing up slightly. His stomach was covered in bruises and cuts and burns and anything else that his dad could do.
Antonio's face lit up into a smile at the fact that Lovi still did want to talk to him, then changed to a look of confusion when he dragged him over to a corner. His face quickly changed from confusion to anger/hurt. He wrapped the tearing up Lovi in a tight hug. "Why would he do that to you Lovi? I won't tell anyone, but seriously? That's just... Awful." His eyes burned, which was silly, because it's not like he was the one being abused.
"I-I don't know," Lovino cried. He was in no mood to fight anyone (in fact, he really could use the comfort) so he wrapped his arms tightly around the spaniard. "I-It started when I was thre-e. He always says that I'm a b-bad son and that he hates m-me. I don't know wh-why though. I don't d-do anything wr-wrong."
Antonio rubbed Lovino's back reassuringly. "Nonono Lovi, you're not a bad son... and you've done nothing wrong. It's him that's wrong, you're perfect, okay?" He was shaking. "Okay, you're perfect. So please don't cry, I might cry too..." He buried his face into Lovi's hair, wondering if it was a bad decision. It smelled nice, like tomatoes.
"H-How can you possibly say I a-am perfe-ect? I was so mean to you be-before." Lovino tried to stop crying, but it was hard. He didn't like making Antonio sad, though. He was the only one who cared.
"I was prying, Lovi, that was my fault. You are too perfect. To me." His words were muffled because his face was still in Lovi's hair.
"But you were just showing that y-you cared." his tears had begun to slow down, and his head was hurting from all of the crying he had done that day. "I don't like being mean to you..." he whispered, his head in Antonio's neck. Antonio was much taller than him, so it was easy for him to cuddle into. He was also very warm, but he'd never admit it.
'Awww~! Lovi's so cute!' Antonio thought, lips curling into a small smile as his heart raced. "It's okay Lovi, we all get angry sometimes."
"He's going to be mad... it's so late." Lovino said quietly, closing his eyes. With Antonio, he felt protected, which is something he's never felt before.
"Hmm... you're right..." Antonio was quiet for a little. "Hey, I know! Why don't you come stay with me?"
"What?" Lovino said flatly.
"Why not? It's not like you have a decent place to stay anyways! It's only a tiny apartment and I'd have to sleep on the couch, but that's okay!" Antonio pulled back and smiled. "It'd be like having a roommate!"
"No, no, I can't do something like that to you! And if my dad ever found out... He'd kill me. literally." Lovino said quickly. "And I have a younger brother! But... I guess he'd never find out where I was... we don't go to the same school. If... if I did stay with you, you can't tell anyone! Not one person is allowed to know!"
Antonio put a hand over his heart. "I promise not a soul will know! Aside from my turtles..." Antonio paused. "I hope you don't mind turtles. I do have quite a few~ they're so cute! I live alone, so nobody will find out. I just want you to be safe Lovi."
"No, I don't mind turtles." Lovino chuckled, but turned serious quickly. "If my dad found out, he'd hurt you... I don't want to risk your safety just for mine..."
"Nono, Lovi, I insist." It sounded like he was kidnapping him, but it was with consent, right? Reluctant consent, but still. Consent. "I'll be okay."
"But how will I get my things from home?" Lovino asked, pulling back a little from Antonio.
Antonio paused. "Ah... we can just get you new stuff. Or you can borrow mine, I don't mind!"
"I don't want to waste your money! I'll just go home today, and bring my things to school tomorrow. I don't have too much, so they should fit in my bag, and my dad will be at work." Lovino said, still not entirely sure about moving in with Antonio.
"Okay." Antonio nodded. "Want me to walk you home?"
"I... guess you could take me to the end of my street, if you wanted..." Lovino blushed. "But no further, I don't want to trouble you..."
"Don't worry! I wasn't planning on doing my Spanish work anyways. Lead the way!" Antonio's hand twitched like he was about to hold Lovino's, but he stopped it in time.
Lovino was about to protest, but decided against it. There was no use, anyways. He began leading the way, wanting to move his hand the last few inches, when they got to the light. Lovino stopped, but Antonio kept going. Lovino reached out, "No!" he yelled, grabbing his hand and pulling him back just as a car drove in front of him. "Do I have to keep holding your hand, or can you handle walking across the street!?" he exclaimed, blushing a little at the contact.
Antonio wasn't exactly paying attention when they reached the crosswalk- he was daydreaming about turtles and tomatoes again- so when Lovi suddenly grabbed his hand, he blushed. Then a car went by and he jumped. "Sorry~!" He chirped, still not letting go of his hand.
So, we hope you liked the first chapter! I think it was great (if I do say so myself) and I'm sure Amity thought it was good as well. Rps usually are.
The next chapter will be up soon, hopefully. Depending on when we finish writing it.
~Maddie and Amity
