I think we're sick, Hikaru and I.

This little game we've been playing for almost two years now, I think it's finally started to catch up to us. It can't be a good sign that I don't remember when it happened, when what we were to each other became more than friends. Being close was suddenly not close enough, and not just inside the host club. We'd start planning out our performance for the next meeting in our bedrooms, the door locked as we'd act through them even though no one was around to see but us.

We're not friends and we're not lovers. We're something in-between these two groups, and it thrills and scares me. Sickens me, too. When he looks at me just so, with that special look I've never seen him use with anyone else, I swear I could run a mile and not get winded. When his eyes wander to other girls, especially to Haruhi, I worry that something between us will change. There was a time when someone almost came into our lives, someone who kissed him and made him smile almost the way he smiled at me. I thought the worst, my world crumbling slowly, but hours of crying in each others arms as we lay on our beds later sealed that memory with a strengthing of out bond. It's that new bond that troubles me.

Sometimes I just want to ask him what our relationship is to each other. Brother is too simple and just stupid at this point. I stopped seeing him as just "brother" long ago, and I know it's likewise for him. It's more complicated than that, even for twins. Sometimes the question gets so heavy on my tongue, but each time I loose my nerve. If I told him the truth about how I felt, would he look at my every touch, hug, and kiss with suspicion should he not return my feelings? What if he no longer accepted these physical signs of affection from me?

Our game of pretend became half real. It's wrong, and I know it, but it's more wonderful than anything I could imagine when the getting is good. Are we using each other? Sometimes I think we are and that we should stop before we fall too deep in our own game. Other times, when we're laying in the grass, laughing, and he reaches for my hand… I forget to care.