Disclaimer: Only the story is mine. Everything else belongs to Paramount.kicks Paramount But they've abandoned their characters and stuff and did really nutso things to them, so I delete Paramount. I'm not making any money off this, so leave me alone, Paramount minions! This is a femslash story, so it has a woman in love with another woman. If that offends you, please read something else. The B'Elanna in "Extreme Risk" heavily influences this story.
Warning: This fic contains graphic violence, strong language and adult situations, parental discretion is advised.
Rated: R
Genre: Angst (there's a shocker)
Feedback: I would appreciate it!
The Monster You Fear
B'Elanna flinched inwardly. 'This isn't me, this isn't who I am, who I want to be,' her mind cried, but she ignored it.
They were the words she had only thought so many times before - nothing new, nothing special.
'Listless, loveless, lifeless, pointless, withered, dying...' B'Elanna stood suddenly and stalked to the warp core, shouldering past Vorik as she did so. The young Vulcan raised his eyebrow at her, but moved quietly away.
"Computer, run a level four diagnostic on the EPS grid. Maybe a plasma spike caused the problem," she muttered.
"I have already ruled out that possibility," Vorik said quietly.
"Maybe the modules are mismatched-"
"That would require an entire rebuild, Lieutenant and I do believe that you are 'reaching.' Logic dictates-"
"Shut up, Vorik." B'Elanna growled. Vorik walked away again.
"Diagnostic complete. EPS grid functioning within normal parameters." 'What is normal? Why can't anything go right? Where did I lose myself, lose my nerve, my... spine? What does it matter, what can I do? Fight him? What will that accomplish? Broken bones and an empty bed, empty nights. But I already have that, who can sleep? I'm so stupid, why can't I fix this?'
"Lieutenant, it is past your scheduled meal time. You requested that I join you, yet you did not show up as you promised. I assumed that I might find you here. Am I to further assume that you wish to cancel our plans?"
"No, Seven." B'Elanna looked up into the questioning blue eyes. "I just lost track of time, I'm sorry." B'Elanna stood painfully and realized that she had been frozen in one position for almost half an hour, lost in her own self-deprecating thoughts, trying desperately to fix a terribly minor problem that wasn't even really affecting ship's performance.
She was the only...
B'Elanna shook the thought away before it formed and realized that she had lost time again. She was holding her fork, stirring her food rather than eating it and Seven was staring at her.
Neither had touched her food, both sat in silence. For a moment, their eyes locked and neither spoke. They sat there, pondering the mysteries of one another, desperate to know why the other sought her company.
"You are not well," Seven observed. B'Elanna nodded mutely. 'Typical Borg understatement. But why is she suddenly concerned for me?'
"Does it matter?" B'Elanna regretted the words the moment they left her mouth. Despite her attempts to establish a friendship with the aloof drone, she had not yet revealed anything very personal; believing that Seven could not be trusted not to inform the captain of her recent depression.
"Your emotional and physical well-being is essential to your performance as the Chief Engineer of this starship. Considering that you are the best engineer I have met, then it would be a great loss to Voyager if you were to become ill. Also, I am concerned as your friend." 'Friend? I'm her friend? I'm the best Engineer she's met? Damn, that's a hell of a compliment from someone who's had millions of minds in her own.'
"I've just been a little unfocused," B'Elanna partially confessed.
"Has he hurt you in some way?" Seven made the query so quietly that B'Elanna almost missed it. She more than almost wished she had.
"Who?" she asked, trying to evade the question.
"Lieutenant Paris. I have noticed your health declining steadily since you were married three months ago. You have become pensive, lackluster and emaciated."
"My god, I look that bad?" B'Elanna asked, trying to smile, but failing. Seven was right and she just didn't have the energy
She felt as though she were fighting a losing battle-no, she wasn't fighting at all. Fighting, battles, all those were Klingon, and she wasn't Klingon. But she wasn't Human either; she was lost somewhere in between. 'Nothing.'
"Are you having marital difficulties?" 'I suppose'
"Who doesn't?" B'Elanna dismissed with a light laugh. Seven frowned, but didn't say anything. Somehow they managed to finish their lunch, each lost to her own concerns and oblivious to the other's, even though they touched on the same subject…
To be continued...
Sorry the chapters are so short, but at least it's a completed fic :) Also, longer chapters seem to suffer issues at the hands of QuickEdit 2.03 Plus, it seems to hate my double-hyphenation.
