Ed and Edd sat on the front porch step, deep in thought.  Eddy paced back and forth in front of them.  "No, no, no!  We've tried all that before, and none of it's worked!  Now come on – we've gotta think of something good this time!"

"Hmm…"  Edd shrugged.  "Well, Rolf still has difficulty with his English – perhaps we could set up a school for the conversationally awkward?"

"Yeah, right – you and he'd be the only ones attending – and you don't have any money!"  Eddy rolled his eyes.  "You're not even trying!"

Ed looked up from where he'd been poking his leg with a stick.  He waved the stick in the air.  "Ooh, ooh, pick me!"

"What is it this time, Ed?"

"We could get a tube of toothpaste…"

"Yeah?"  Eddy looked excited.

"…and a jar of grape jelly…"

"Uh-huh…"  Eddy's excitement abated somewhat.

"…and a gallon of milk…"

Eddy banged his head against the side of the house.  Edd put a hand on Ed's shoulder.  "Now Ed, what did we discuss about the lack of relevance of your mother's shopping list to our present dearth of ideas?"

Ed held the list up proudly.  "It's got cheese on it, too!"  He chewed at a corner.  "Mmm, cheddary!"

"Um, that's…nice…Ed, but it still doesn't help us…"  Edd tugged the list out of Ed's mouth and wrung it out, then placed it in a plastic baggie and stuck it in his pocket.  "Why don't I just hold on to that for the time being?"

"It goes great with marshmallows if you get hungry, Double-D!"

"All right, all right, enough with the stupid shopping list!  We're getting nowhere!"  Eddy shoved Ed off the porch step and sat down in his place.  "Hmm…"  He snapped his fingers.  "I know!  We could order a whole BUNCH of newspapers, and deliver them for the cash!"

"Think back, Eddy – we did that already!  And I'll have you know, I nearly lost my paper route thanks to your and Ed's shenanigans!  I refuse to condone – "

"Okay, fine!"  Eddy scratched his head in thought.  "Well, what if we gave people the chance to be their favorite household pets for a while?"

"Oh, you mean like 'Gerbil for a Day'?  Don't you remember – Ed on a giant exercise wheel?"  Edd looked skyward and shook his head.  "I still don't understand quite what that was meant to accomplish, but I think I can confidently say that a second iteration of that endeavor would be about as successful as was the first."

"…"  Eddy blinked at Edd.

"We…did…that…before…it…won't…work."

"Well, why didn't you just say so?  Maybe that school for conversational dolts wouldn't be such a bad idea, after all …"

"I resent that, Eddy – just because my vocabulary is a bit more highly developed than is the norm, that's no reason to insinuate that I'm unintelligible to the average person."

Eddy stared blankly.  Ed asked, "Who's Norm?"

"*sigh*  Never mind…"

"Hey, look!"  Ed pointed to the truck trundling down the street.  "It's the mailman!  Is his name Norm?"  He laughed.  "I bet he can help us.  Neither rain nor snow nor mutant knee-biting hornets can stop Norm, the amazing mailman!"

"He's a civil servant, Ed, not a superhero."  Edd stood up as the mailman pulled away from his house.  "But regardless, I suppose I could at least go see what he's dropped off today – oof!"

Eddy had climbed over Edd and was running for the mailbox.  "Here, let me get that for ya!"  He pulled the mail out of the box and started rummaging through it.  "Let's see what kind of mail little Edward and his parents get!"

"Eddy!  I'll have you know, the interception of another person's mail is a federal offence!  You unhand my family's missives right this minute!"

"Don't get your sock in a knot, I just wanna see…Bills, bills, bills – bor-ing!"  Eddy tossed aside the uninteresting mail.  "Oh, gee, what a surprise, 'Industrial Cleaning Weekly'."  He examined the cover of the magazine, which featured an array of dish soaps and the tagline, 'Summer Dish Soap Rating Spectacular!'  "Please tell me you don't actually read this thing…"

Edd made a grab for his mail, but Eddy snatched it out of reach.  "It happens to be very informative, Eddy!  You know how messy the repercussions of our failed adventures tend to be!"

"You're gonna make some psychiatrist rich someday, Sock-head…hmm…"  Flip, flip, flip.  "What's this?  'Sticky Note of the Month Club'?"  Eddy ripped the top off an envelope and shook out the contents.  "Ooooh, blue triangle sticky notes – boy Double-D, you're as wild as toast!"

"Buttered toast?"  Ed grabbed one of the sticky notes out of Eddy's hand with his teeth.  Chomping it down, he looked disappointed.  "Aw, it's just paper flavored."

"That belongs to my parents, Eddy!  And they won't be pleased that it's been opened – and salivated upon – please put those back!"

"All right, all right – you're just lucky I can't think of any sticky note scams."  Eddy shoved the little triangles back into their envelope.  "Hey, what's this?"  He examined a larger package.  "'Fungus-Free Nails in 3 Weeks'?"

Edd snatched the package out of his hands and clutched it protectively.  "That, uh, must've been a mistake…heh heh…"

Eddy snickered.  "Double-D, your fingernails are supposed to be yellow like that.  It's just the way you're drawn!"  He held up his hands.  "See?  Mine are the same way – so are Ed's!"

"It's as natural as talking monkeys!"  Ed waved his fingers in the air.

"That's hardly reassuring…though I do appreciate the effort."  Edd stuck the package in his pocket for later.  "Nevertheless, there's no harm in striving for a little personal improvement!"

"Whatever."  Eddy rifled through the remaining mail.  "Bills, junk catalogues, more stupid magazines – this is as exciting as Sunday afternoon TV.  You really – hey, what's this?"  He held up a gold envelope.

"Why, it appears to be a sweepstakes notice, Eddy…"

"Yeah, it does, doesn't it?"  Eddy's eyes went wide as he read the words printed on the side of the envelope.  "Double-D!  You've won a million dollars!"  Throwing all the other mail in the air, Eddy swept Ed and Edd up in a hug and did a little victory dance.  "A million dollars!!  Our money problems are a thing of the past, boys!  We can buy the whole jawbreaker factory just for starters – and fire Kevin's dad while we're at it!  Double-D, I could hug you!"

"Uh, you already are, Eddy…"  Edd plucked the notice out of Eddy's hands and examined it.  "And as much as I appreciate this outpouring of emotion, I'm afraid your exuberance is premature.  If you look closely, you'll see that the fine print reads that I only may win a million dollars, if my name is chosen from among the 4.5 million entries they expect to receive."

Eddy abruptly dropped his friends.  "Oh, uh, well, I'm sure that's just a formality.  Send it in, Double-D!  Your chances are winning must be like…um…"  He scratched his head and did a quick count on his fingers.  "Well, they're pretty good!"

"At 1 to 4,999,999 odds against, Eddy, we stand a greater chance of striking it rich by…by putting on a sham telethon to raise money for Ed's eyebrow operation!"

Eddy's eyes lit up and he opened his mouth to speak.

Edd slapped a hand to his forehead.  "We already TRIED that, Eddy!"

Eddy closed his mouth and looked disappointed.

"Aww, that's too bad, guys!  It'd be fun to be a millionaire."  Ed flung invisible dollars at an imaginary throng of admirers.  "Swimming pools, movie stars!"

Eddy raised an eyebrow.  "You know, it would be fun to be a millionaire…or at least act like one…"  He rubbed his hands together.  "And my brother always said you gotta spend money to make money!"

"We don't have any money to spend, Eddy…"

"Don't bother me with details, Sock-head!  There's gotta be a way to make some cash off of this – or at the very least, it'll be good practice for when we finally do hit it big!"

"Can I have solid gold underwear, Eddy?" 

"Why not, Big Guy?"  Eddy began running towards the garage.  "Come on, boys, it's time to find out how the other half lives!"

"The other half lives in Double-D's garage?"  Ed ran after Eddy.

Edd carefully picked up the scattered mail and brushed it off.  "Well, at least it's not another fix-it service, I suppose…"  Arranging the mail in a neat pile on the doorstep, he hurried to catch up with his friends.