Spoilers for 'Special Education' if you haven't seen that yet. I need to get this out of my system before I continue with Jigsaw, but since this isn't going to be an overly long fic, I'll add a new chapter of my other one as soon as I can. Reviews are greatly appreciated!
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee which is a bit of a bummer. The song lyrics are from Three Days Grace 'I Hate Everything About You'. There's also a few instances of strong language.
A year is a long time. Babies are born, friendships are made, songs are sung and hearts are ripped out and trampled on by those who claim to love you.
Finn had hoped, had hoped so much that he actually thought he had a lucky star or something, that he was going to have a good year. He'd dealt with so much crap that things had to get better, and they had, for a while.
He scrolls angrily through the music on his iPod, trying to find some angsty, whiny shit to drown his sorrows in; he has little to choose from since he tries to have an optimistic outlook on life.
One song catches his attention and it makes the back of his eyes burn and his mouth become insanely dry.
"I hate everything about you," he says slowly, curious to hear the words come from his own lips. It was one of those songs that he'd heard in the background of some TV show, and after catching a few of the lyrics, he'd Googled it and bam, new song added to his collection.
He doesn't want to apply it to her, honestly he doesn't. Has she hurt him? Fuck yes. Does he love her? Of course. Does he hate her? He can't answer that. He knows what hate feels like, that burning sensation that feels like indigestion but ten times worse, because it burnt him whenever he saw Quinn carrying someone else's baby, and it burnt him whenever he saw Puck strutting around school, and it burnt him whenever he saw Jesse and her.
He tries not to call her by her name because just hearing or thinking it makes him feel like absolute crap, and he really doesn't need that.
So is it hate? When he passes her in the hallway and sees her avoiding his gaze, does he feel the burning sensation?
He feels a burn alright, but he doesn't think it's hate; how could he ever hate her?
The lyrics still sting. He loves music that expresses good feelings, but to hear his inner anguish played to him through his headphones... he'll never get used to that.
But this song isn't the one he can cry to and punch things to and sleep to because even now he's not sure he hates her.
'I hate everything about you; why do I love you?'
No, he can't hate her.
Are we a part of something special, you and me?
He asks her that because he needs her to know how he feels; he needs her to know that he still cares for her, regardless of the mess with Santana.
And she says yes. She stands there, looking at him like she genuinely gives a fuck, and she says yes.
No more lying... ever.
He says that because he wants to prove that he is going to be a better boyfriend, that he is more committed than he's been before, that he is the one that is in the wrong, even if he still thinks she is overreacting. He isn't talking about her, because she is the one who is honest and perfect and committed and always right.
There's something that I need to tell you.
He should have left there and then. He should have made his excuses because her face was solemn and her voice was weak and the words that were ringing in his ears didn't sound like something he wanted to hear.
But like a lovesick idiot he followed her, because it was her, and what could she possibly say that he didn't want to listen to?
Last week when we were fighting I was so mad at you, and I was so hurt, that I wanted to make you feel as bad as I felt.
It's too late to run, because she's stuck some kind of fish hook in his heart that's pulling him towards her, and if he tries to escape, it only hurts him more.
And then she tells him about Puck, and his eyes blur, his words blur, her pretty little face blurs into one big burning ball of pain and shock and rage and he feels like he's been betrayed by his own mother or something because it's that bad. The girl in front of him is his safety net, his best friend, his true fucking love, and she's supposed to know him.
But she doesn't know him at all. She doesn't know him in the slightest because she cheated on him with the one person that has already hurt him before, and she should know that it would kill him inside.
He wants to cry. He wants to fall on the floor and sob like a baby when he sees tears in her eyes.
You said you'd never break up with me!
And it hurts. It hurts because he wants to wrap her in his arms and he wants to apologise and he wants her to apologise and he wants to do so many things.
I never thought you'd make me feel like this.
It's done now. He's sitting in his shitty little bedroom, listening to music that is just floating over him numbly.
'Every time we lie awake after every hit we take. Every feeling that I get but I haven't missed you yet'
He slams his thumb against his iPod because he's sick of this song. In fact, he's sick of all music. Music is part of his soul, and since one half has been ripped out by her, he doesn't want to sing anymore, but that's out of the question.
Their song in the auditorium is difficult to deal with. All Finn wants to do is avoid her, but he's part of the glee club, and by its very definition, glee is about opening yourself up to joy. He's not sure why he remembers that, but it really stuck with him after he read it on the choir room wall, and he's pretty sure that it means he can't sulk and hide away from everyone else.
Besides, he has to stay strong. He has to show her that he's okay without her, no matter how much of a joke that is. He smiles like he's enjoying himself, and in the moment, he guesses that he is. He finds himself holding hands with Quinn and dancing with Santana and he feels Puck's arm across his shoulders and it's a strange, uncomfortable flashback of the guy he used to be, before her.
He manages a believable smile, and he manages a believable sense of enjoyment, but then she looks at him sadly and he remembers that he isn't having fun at all. He doesn't feel like part of the family anymore. He doesn't feel like anything.
He's the first to leave the auditorium when his smile wavers. He shouts some excuse about the dentist, but he knows that no one believes him, especially not her. Mr Schue can suck it if he thinks glee's more important at the minute. Finn thought that he cared about them as individuals, but all he seems to care about is the music.
Finn's mom is worried, that much is obvious. She's supposed to be distracted with the new house and the new husband and the new happiness in her life, but she's worried for him. He appreciates it normally, because his mom means everything to him.
Now he doesn't want her pity. He doesn't need her to ask him if he's doing okay, and he doesn't need her to ask him if he's feeling better, and he certainly doesn't need her to mention her name over dinner; he can't even apologise to Burt when he runs from the table, his heart stuck in his throat.
He kind of wishes that the situation was reversed. He kind of wishes that he was the one that cheated on her, because then he'd have a goal in life to try and win her back, to try and regain her trust.
But what he has is much worse. He has the constant knowledge that she cheated on him. He broke it off, and he could take her back so easily, but he'd always worry that she was going to do it again.
He knows he did the same thing with Quinn. He was dating her, and he kissed her more than once. He hates himself for that now, but his only defence is that she has always been 'the one', not Quinn.
It's little consolation now when one tiny act results in a complete breakdown of his self confidence. It takes a lot of guts to be the quarterback and the co-captain of glee, and combined with the pressures of regular teenage experiences, Finn was struggling with his load in life.
And then she helped him. She told him that he was the hottest guy in school. She made him believe that some kind of happiness existed. Now he wants to quit the football team, and he wants to quit glee.
It's never going to end is it? Every time he gets a solo he's going to have to stand in front of people who will judge him and pity him while they fuck around with their own lives, not really caring about his.
And every time he gets a solo he's going to feel her eyes on him, those sad, beautiful eyes that he misses so much right now.
He falls asleep in the bathroom. Normally, being found by his mom, half naked in the shower, would be mortifying. She helps him up, and he just accepts that this is it from now on; exhaustion, depression, and an inability to care. He wonders how one tiny little girl can make such a big impact on everything, and then he only has to remember why he loves her, and he falls into an even deeper funk.
He lays in his bed, wishing that when he wakes up, the girl he worships, the girl who idolises, the girl he trusted, would just disappear. He forgets her name as he sleeps.
Finn doesn't quit football or glee. He wants to, because anytime he tries to focus on the ball, or the lyrics, he blanks out. Coach Beiste almost has a heart attack when she screams at him for missing his pass. Mr Schue gives him that disappointed look when he misses his cue.
Finn doesn't give a fuck. He just nods, pretends to take their criticism onboard, then makes the same mistakes. They're not mistakes though, because he's purposefully giving up. He's a mess, and he knows that she shouldn't have such a big impact on him, but he's in a downward spiral now. He feels like he's being sucked into a whirlpool, and he just doesn't have the energy to fight the current anymore.
A/N: I promise it'll get better from here. It was going to be a one-shot, but since I have something planned out in my head, it might go up to five chapters or so. My response to 'Special Education'? I cried and moped and died a little inside. Here's hoping the two of them manage to work things out :'(
