LOTHERING

Flemeth: *introduces herself as Witch of the Wilds*

Me: …what are you up to?

ACT I

Leandra: Oh, I miss my child (Carver/Bethany) so much, I wish they hadn't died.

Me: Um… you do realize that you had three children, not two, right?


Me: Anders! At last, a familiar face that I actually like.

Anders: The blighted Wardens said he 'made me too soft'. I had to give him to a friend in Amaranthine.

Me: wtf are you talking about? I gave you Ser Pounce-a-lot! Who made you get rid of him?


Anders: *starts glowing*

Me: WTF HAPPENED TO YOU!?

Anders: Justice chills out in the back of my head. No biggie.

Me: well… Wynne had a spirit buddy too, but Faith didn't go bonkers like that on people.

Anders: he also goes kinda nuts when it comes to Templar/mage rights issues. When he shows up, he's not Justice anymore. He's Vengeance.

Me: aww… I kinda liked Justice. If nothing else, his and Sigrun's dialogue was funny as hell. Hey, I can flirt with you?


Marethari: hello.

Me: I remember you!

Hawke: you want me to take your First with me?

Me: Merrill?


Merrill: hello!

Me: awesome! More people I know and like! But srsly, what's with the accents, guys?

Merrill: BLOOD MAGIC GO!

Me: nooooooooo! Why, oh why, did you do that? Dammit Merrill!


Hawke: I carried you here?

Flemeth: Just a piece, a small piece, but that was all I needed.

Me: …shit.


Viscount: better you were thought to be abducted…

Me: Stfu. Sten rocks.


Feynriel: Would you let me go to the Dalish?

Me: YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE POINTY EARS. WTF IS THIS SHIT. But okay, go to them.

After multiple playthroughs, however, I have come to the conclusion that if I had to make this decision irl, I'd be pretty lost. I don't much like Marethari or the way that she treats Merrill or the rest of her clan, but I know that Meredith is a psycho bitch.


Karras: *shows up*

Me: I've already decided that I don't like you. You just look like an asshole.

Karras: *decided that he's going to kill all of you or just the mages, depending on your choice*

Me: Screw you, bitch!

After multiple playthroughs, and learning about what exactly Karras does to Alain, I kill him each and every single time. Even though I don't much like Grace.


Javaris: kill the Tal-Vashoth for me, would you?

Me: aren't these guys just the ones that left the Qun? *discovers it's a main quest, so then travels to Wounded Coast*

Tal-Vashoth: they're just bandits. That's all they want to do now that they've left the Qun. I'm gonna go be a mercenary instead, but apparently that's worse than outright murder in their eyes.

Me: and I thought I had finally figured you guys out…. *looks again* wtf, you have horns? Sten didn't have horns! *quickly checks Dragon Age Wiki* oh… that kind of makes sense.


Arishok: *shows up*

Me: I wish I could ask how Sten is doing… but, then again, there's probably a million of them.

Javaris: *proceeds to be an extremely annoying little prick*

Me: …is it just me, or does every single dwarf in this game have blonde hair? And can I please kill this guy?

Arishok: he is not worthy of dying to you.

Me: thanks for that, but I still want to kill him.

Javaris: *leaves*

Me: dammit.


Petrice: I am out of my element, woe is me!

Me: get back to your church.

Petrice: you must help me! Especially since you just saved my life while my Templar bodyguard cowered in the shadows!

Me: no. *discovers I can't not do this quest* dammit.

Varnell: *waves his sword at me*

Me: WE WERE JUST TALKING IN THE ALLEY. PUT THAT THING DOWN BEFORE YOU POKE YOUR EYE OUT.

Petrice: meet Ketojan!

Me: wtf, Sten? You didn't tell me that you guys stitched the mage's bloody lips shut! How the hell does he eat?


Arvaarad: mages are contagious.

Me: and here I thought that Qunari were smart. MAGIC IS NOT CONTAGIOUS. YOU CAN'T GET DEMONS FROM TALKING TO A MAGE. Does that mean if the Warden was a mage, they killed Sten?

Hawke: my sister's a mage, but she's not dangerous to you unless she wants to be.

Arvaarad: KILL THEM ALL!

Me: what. the. actual. duck.

Saarebas: I'm going to go kill myself now. Thanks for getting me here, though.

Anders: Of all the ridiculous, spineless, mind-controlled, senseless piece of shit arguments I've ever heard!

Me: *pissing myself laughing at Anders*

Hawke: well, it's not like I can stop you from killing yourself, so have at it, I guess.

Saarebas: take shiny. Your role would change little if you submitted to the Qun. *bursts into flame*

Me: I wonder if he says that to a mage, too…

Upon realizing that saarebas does, in fact, say this to a mage, I have concluded that he was brainwashed.


Hawke: the mage's karetaam were all dead. You set me up.

Petrice: you come back speaking their language, and think to lecture me?

Me: you racist bitch. This, right here, is why I hate religious zealot-type people. All holier-than-thou and shit. Except for the thing with the mages, Qunari rock!


Elthina: the Maker stepped in and stopped the Blight.

Me: nope. That was all me.

Hawke: nope. That was all the Hero of Ferelden.

Elthina: even an elf may be doing His work.

Me: AM I EVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET AWAY FROM THE BLATANT RACISM (xenophobia?) IN THESE GAMES

My brother, who happened to be sitting next to me at the time: nah, probably not.


Bartrand: who invited the old woman?

Me: Hey!

Leandra: please don't take Bethany with you! If you want to go, it's fine, but Bethany has to stay here because I say so.

Me: gawd, it's like this woman forgot that she pushed three children out, not two. Imma bring Varric, Fenris… and Bethany, just to piss you off.

Leandra: don't do this!

Bethany: I promise I'll be just fine.

Leandra: *gives Hawke a dirty look*


CASSANDRA AND VARRIC

Varric: if we'd known what was down there, she'd never have let Bethany come along.

Me: oh shit


DEEP ROADS

Bartrand: *being a dick*

Varric: we'll go look around.

Me: Bodahn! Of course we'll go after Sandal!

Sandal: hello.

Hawke: *looks at ogre*

Me: atta boy, Sandal!


Bartrand: *takes the lyrium thingy and locks us in the thaig*

Me: I cannot believe you did that to your own brother. I can't even think of horrible enough swear words to call you. I hope you get lyrium poisoning from that bloody thing and a darkspawn mistakes you for a female and tries to brood mother you to death. Asshole.


Demon dude: I'll help you if you help me…

Me: no way, José. I saw more than enough demons up in the Circle tower in DAO to know that you're just gonna screw us over later.


Ginormous rock wraith boss: *shows up*

Me: since when can lyrium do that? Nobody told me this before!

Ginormous rock wraith boss: *dies in epic rogue cutscene*

Me: bitch please.


Bethany: I'm not feeling so good…

Me: No! nononononono… You can't die! You're the awesomest mage ever!

Bethany: you'll take care of it… won't you, sis?

Me: I think I'm gonna cry.

Hawke: How can I kill my own sister?

Bethany: because she's asking you to. Take care of mother.


GAMLEN'S HOUSE

Leandra: my baby! You're home!

Me: I didn't realize you actually gave two shits about me. Hawke. Whatever. I wonder if this is how Justice feels, hanging out in Anders' head?

Hawke: I'm sorry, mother.


Just a few things that bothered me, and some other stuff.