The Black Book of Secrets

Chapter 1-The Secret Pawnbroker

Have you ever had a secret?

Of course you have, you're only human. Now, have you ever had a secret so great and so terrible that it keeps you awake at night just worrying about it?

I thought not. Truly awful secrets are hard to come by. But fear not, for everyone, everyone in the whole God-damned world will have done something they're ashamed of and will have a nasty secret aching to be told.

I've got one, and so have you. But you'd never tell, would you?

Well, you might. Remember the relief you felt when you confessed that yes, it was you who stole all the cookies from the cookie jar and not your little brother?

Now, what if such relief could be found for your big bad secrets? If there was a nice, unbiased man who you could simply tell your secret to and not be judged? Wouldn't that be wonderful?

Now imagine that this man actually buys your secrets from you. Why, you say? Secrets aren't worth anything-are they?

To Jiraya they are, for he is a Dealer in Secrets, a Secret Pawnbroker, a Secret Keeper and this his job. Buying secrets, no matter how big or how small.

So he travels around the world, setting up shop wherever he can and buying secrets from the locals. It's a simple system-you go to him and tell your story (with as much honesty as you can) and he will pay you afterwards with as much as he feels your secret is worth. A penny for lying to your mother, a hundred pounds for killing the mayor.

And then into the Black Book of Secrets your tale will go, and it will be saved forever. But no-one will know except you two. That is the beauty-he provides the relief of a secret told and he pays you for the privilege. The secret will be kept by him forever.

You are free to do as you wish with your secret, but whenever the Secret Pawnbroker comes to town, strange things seem to happen. Lies are uncovered, skeletons march out of your closets, corrupt businessmen have mysterious fishing accidents and the truth is finally told. Strange things, yes, but good always comes of the Secret Pawnbroker visiting your town.

You can't ask for him to visit, he comes and goes as he pleases. But if he sees a particular place so choked by the lies it's told that it's nearly dead then he'll come. No matter how far, his work will be done.

Why else do you think he's visiting Konoha?

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"Ero-sennin, you can't catch me!" Raucous laughter rang out in the clear morning air, and the birds flew out of the nearby trees in astonishment at such a loud sound so early on a Monday.

A tall man with an enormous shock of white hair seemed to agree. "Naruto", he wheedled, in the voice of one who was most definitely drunk the night before "if you stick to the path I'll buy you raaa-men..."

Ramen you say?

Naruto (for it was he) was by the man's side in an instant. "Oh thankyouthankyouwonderfulnot-at-all-pervertedEro-senninnowwhencanwebuyitsoonright?"

The boy was more than a little fond of ramen, and Jiraya liked to use this to his advantage.

"Ah, Naruto, we'll be in Wind Country by nightfall and then it's only three days journey to Konoha and they make the best ramen in the world!" he said, ruffling the boy's hair.

"YAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYILOVEKONOHABELIVEIT! I can't wait to get there! Will you tell me all about it tonight, Jiraya-sensei?" Naruto had got slightly overexcited at the prospect of going to Konohagakure, the place that he and Jiraya both hailed from-but Naruto couldn't remember it at all, and Jiraya had left years ago. The boy was itching to get back and see his birthplace once again!

Jiraya was not, but he didn't show this. Instead he just laughed along with Naruto as they made a start on the long journey to Wind Country, which when they reached they would stop for the night at some random (hopefully non-druggie) inn in Sunagakure.

And if Naruto thought something was off about Jiraya, he didn't say so.

It was late when they finally reached Suna, and all Jiraya wanted to do was crawl into bed and die. Naruto, however, had other ideas.

"Pleeeeease can we get some ramen? Please?" he pleaded, making his bright blue eyes go very big and innocent, a look that worked on Jiraya every single time (much to his annoyance). So here they were, slurping ramen like there was no tomorrow-as Naruto often did-and taking advantage of the free chopsticks that the hotel provided.

"Jiraya-sensei, how many pairs of stolen hotel chopsticks do we have now?"

"Almost two hundred, Naruto-and counting! Oh yeah!"

But that was earlier, and now it was the middle of the night. Naruto had long since gone to sleep, his limbs splayed all over his bed and his snores reverberating around the room. In sleep he was quiet and peaceful. He was probably, Jiraya thought, dreaming about ramen. He smiled a little at that thought, but was soon consumed by his earlier, more melancholic thoughts. Why couldn't he just get to sleep like all the other normal people out there?

Outside his window the moon was very full and bright, bathing the small hotel bedroom in eerie silver lights. An owl hooted, and Jiraya turned this way and that, unable to drift off into the blissful land of slumber, where naked ladies came up and prostrated themselves before him, declaring that he was Colin, God of Sex and that they were his loyal subjects.

Soon after that they would all turn into gerbils, but that was beside the point. The point was that when Jiraya didn't dream, he thought...

Am I mad to go back to Konoha? Probably.

I might not even be allowed in...Technically I'm a deserter, I took Naruto and left fifteen years ago, never looked back...

And look how far we've come. Those bloody villagers didn't want him all because of some stupid demon fox in his stomach-they were going to kill him! So I had to take him, even f he hadn't been Minato's son.

You'd have thought one of the other families would have offered to take him in, though? The Hyuuga are all stuck-up pricks and that won't have changed, but surely the Yamanakas or the Akimichis? No, they both had very young children...who would be Naruto's age! Aw, he'll have people to play with as Orochimaru wipes the floor with my dead body.

Oh God. Orochimaru. We parted on...less than friendly terms. Although calling him Sir Hiss on Viagra was perfectly valid, the slimy bastard. After all, he insulted my job first! Better make it up to him, haven't I, just so that I can set up shop?

The travellers said that Konoha was a web of lies and treachery since Orochimaru became Hokage, and it's my job to untangle these webs. If Konoha needs me, Konoha needs me and I will come running. It's the least I could do.

Besides, I've missed the old girl. I wonder if they still have that sex shop on the corner like they did when I was little? I hope I'm not still banned from entering it...

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Once again it was early morning-the air was crisp, the birds were tweeting and the sky was as blue as a Smartie with no added chemicals. Our unlikely heroes were tramping along a worn dirt track that stretched as far as the eye could see. Beside it baby rabbits scampered into the waiting mouths of hungry foxes and wasps buzzed, stinging any unfortunate naturists who happened to pass by. Flowers grew, and weeds grew too and killed them. Such is the beauty of Nature.

It was the third day of their journey to Konoha from Suna, and having spent two terrifying days on a Suna Express coach with a crazy coachman who liked to fiddle with puppets, revealed that he was really the brother of the Kazekage, was only doing this as a punishment and had no concept of the word 'stop', Naruto and Jiraya were exceedingly glad to be on solid ground again.

However, this also meant that-

"Jiraya-sensei, tell me about Konoha! Believe it!"

-Naruto would bug him for details. And Jiraya didn't know what to say. How do you tell a fifteen-year old that the reason they haven't been back to their hometown in fifteen years is because a fair proportion of the villagers would stone them on sight?

"Please, Ero-sennin! You promised you would when we got off the HellCoach!"

If we got off the HellCoach. But he supposed the kid deserved to know. So Jiraya took a deep breath, and tried to begin.

"Well, um..."

Crickets chirped and Naruto just looked at him. "Ero-sennin, you aren't saying anything. That's odd, are you feeling okay? Maybe if I did a little dance up against this tree here..."

Argh! Jiraya promptly choked on his own thoughts and let out a yell. "No, no, that's absolutely fine, you really don't have to do any...dancing. I was just lost in my thoughts, that's all!"

"Are you sure you don't want me to dance, believe it?"

"Absolutely positive, Naruto!" Jiraya had even gone a little red, bless him.

Naruto just grinned and blew him a fake kiss. "Whatever ya say, Jiraya-sama..."

Oh, he had taught that boy far too well! And so the pair continued happily along the dusty path that led (eventually) to the gates of Konoha, both enjoying the sunlight and the happy sounds of Nature doing what it did best-killing things. Until...

"Jiraya-sensei, will you tell me about Konoha? If you don't I'll dance some more!"

"Damn you, brat!"

"Love ya really, believe it! So, what's Konoha like? Are the people friendly or just crazy?"

Jiraya supposed it couldn't help to simply answer his questions. It was only natural to be curious, after all. He pondered for a moment before answering, his forehead creasing in the bright sunlight.

"The inhabitants of Konohagakure" he said slowly "are a mixed bag of biscuits. Do you remember Kirigakure?"

Naruto nodded. Of course he did, they'd just come back from a very successful visit there. They had got several more books' worth of juicy secrets and Jiraya had helped many poor people. Oh, Naruto did enjoy his work! In his opinion he had the most important job-actually writing the secrets into the Black Book itself! He'd been doing it for just over a year, and was enjoying it greatly.

Jiraya carried on. "Well, they're not like that. The Kiri guys may have been kill-you-as-soon-as-look-at-you types but at least they were honest about it. Don't expect that in Konoha. The nicest people I know live there, but also the worst. And it's not like Iwa, where they're all lunatics but everything somehow works and everyone is happy to let their grandmas deck it out in a large vat of mud because it's easier than having a real justice system. Konoha is very complicated. You really get all sorts, Naruto."

"Aw, I liked the Iwa guys..."

"You only liked them because they offered to have sex with you, and you're far too young for that."

"But Jiraya-sensei, that was why you liked them, believe it!"

"True, true..." They had stayed in Iwa for a rather long time, funnily enough.

But Naruto had more questions at the ready. "So, Jiraya-sensei, will there be anybody my age there?"

Inwardly, the white-haired man groaned. Now he'd have to explain the whole demon-fox thing all over again...He sighed.

"Naruto, you know that you've got the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox sealed into your stomach, right?"

Naruto looked confused. "Yeah, that's why I eat so much-I'm scoffing for two! But Kyuubi wouldn't hurt anybody, right?"

"Not exactly. You see, fifteen years ago Kyuubi attacked Konoha and a lot of people were killed. My mother, for a start. There was terrible damage, but a man called Minato Namikaze-"

"Dad!"

"Yes, your father, he managed to defeat the Kyuubi by sealing it into his newborn son. I know you know that bit, but a lot of the inhabitants still harbour a lot of resentment to Kyuubi, and by default you. They wanted to have you killed, Naruto. Now I couldn't just let that happen, so I took you with me a few days later and you became my cute little assistant! Admittedly it put my career on hold, but hey, I aim to help, do I not? Hey, are you okay?"

Naruto had gone very quiet. Jiraya stopped, and bent down to look him square in the eyes. "Naruto?"

The boy just looked miserable. "Were they really going to have me killed? I'm not that bad, believe it!"

"Aw, no, don't worry about that! That was directly after the Kyuubi attack-everyone was confused and upset and shocked, they'll have calmed down a lot now. Besides, loads of people were against it then, and I doubt anyone cares now. It's just-" his voice dropped lower and he put a hand on Naruto's shoulder-"you shouldn't expect everyone to be nice to you right away. This time, these people have history. You will have to earn their respect. It's just a warning-but I'm sure their kids will be nice!"

Naruto looked a bit more cheerful. "They have children too?"

Jiraya smiled. "Well, yeah! Your parents weren't the only ones getting busy at the time, ya know! Hmm, let me think...I know old Fugaku Uchiha has two boys, one of whom is definitely your age, and the Hyuuga twins have kids, pretty sure one's called Peji or Geji-something like that-and he was a creepy baby...man, this is going way back...the Naras and the Akimichis both have boys, Inoichi Yamanaka has his two, Dei-something and a little girl, they're about your age, both blonde even then...um, I'm pretty sure Tsume Inuzuka had another kid or something..."

Naruto's eyes were wide-clearly his sensei Knew Everybody. And he would have friends to play pranks on, hooray! (Let it never be said that ninja did not read the Beano.)

It was true, Jiraya had known absolutely everybody in Konoha before he had left, and he had known Minato's friends very well. Lovely kids, the lot of them. It would be so strange going back and seeing them all grown-up with families of their own...

He looked at Naruto bounding along beside him and thought yes, I have a family too. Take that, world! The Secret Keeper is not alone! And then it's you and me against the world, kiddo.

And as he always did, he checked in his inside pocket to make sure that his Black Book Of Secrets-the first one he was ever given by his mentor Sarutobi-was there, acting as a useful little good luck charm. He didn't want to think what would happen if he were to lose it...

"So, what's the big deal? I mean, if you know everybody and they like you, why are you worried about going back?"

Ack, stupid observant kid. Jiraya had hopend that they could avoid this question too.

"Well, do you remember I told you that the Hokage was my old team-mate Orochimaru?"

"Yup, the freaky snake-man!"

"Don't ever call him that! Anyway, before I left we had a...bit of an argument. I said he'd be a bad Hokage because he was basically Sir Hiss on Viagra-don't repeat that either!-, and he said I'd be a terrible Secret Keeper because all I cared about was sex and alcohol, and I left before we could really make amends."

So as soon as we get to Konoha you're gonna get to see some of Jiraya's finest bootlicking skills in action, Naruto. Even if sex and alcohol was all that I really cared about at the time...Man's just jealous 'cos Akatsuki liked me but booted him out 'cos he blabbed...

"But didn't we hear that he was a really nasty Hokage and that only really corrupt people wanted Konoha ninja for their missions now, believe it?"

"Yeah, but let's decide when we get there, yeah? It would be nice to go back and not be trying to sort out every single one of Konoha's governing bodies because the guys in charge are all paedophiles..."

And so the happy pair continued down the winding path of life, the sunlight glinting through their hair. There was a gentle, balmy breeze and butterflies flew past them, frolicking in golden fields. Around them the lush foliage that was second only to the jungles of Grass Country was teeming with life, bursting with the joys of youth and hope for the future.

They were hoping to find a happy Konoha, full of smiling friends and old relations.

It seems almost cruel to let them down, doesn't it?

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Apologies, I know this totally sucks. Originally I wrote it for my sister to make her laugh, so expect a fanfic of that calibre. Sorry. -_-

Yes, the Secret Pawnbroker idea is nicked out of a book (called, incidentally, the Black Book of Secrets) but I'm doing different stuff with it. I personally think this is much cooler!

So they're all still ninja, it's just that Jiraya does the whole Secret Pawnbroker thing too. You'll see him in action in the next chapter. It's all good. I'm digging writing Naruto, he's not a character I often use but he's actually very fun to write!

See you next time, duckies!

-finally, apologies about the blatant Love Actually and Robin Hood references, I just couldn't resist!-