I don't own Sailor Moon. I am, however, glad for the re-make that's being produced.
This project was inspired by a bunch of excellent character studies for the Dresden Files series done by Ninjana, especially the story Duty. They're on my favorites list, if you want to take a look.
Out of all of her friends, the one Mizuno Ami most envies is Makoto.
She wishes this were not so, and genuinely despises this part of herself, but is not self-delusional enough to deny it. There are times when an ugly vindictiveness will boil up inside her while speaking with or about Makoto, and it will leave her in a sour mood for the remainder of the day. Her usual therapy for herself is to—and she knows this would shock her friends if they knew—abandon her books for the remainder of the day and exorcise the darkness through either swimming or painting.
The problem with these feelings is honestly not who she envies, but what. Why. Ami does not envy Usagi's epic romance with Mamoru. She does not begrudge Rei her elegant beauty, nor Minako her brilliant charm. It isn't about looks at all. She doesn't envy Makoto's "talent", nor her strength, nor her charisma, nor her friends excellent domestic skills. She admires these traits, but never does she burningly desire them for herself.
Ami envies her friend's freedom.
In spite of herself and all the values she espouses, Ami Mizuno has occasionally wished she were an orphan.
The first time she put a name to this desire, she spent half an hour trying not to vomit, and then made Rei perform an exorcism on her. Her friend pronounced her clean of all influences, and tried to get Ami to talk about why this upset her more. Ami kept her peace, and the look in her eyes was enough to keep Rei from pressing.
Following her belief that knowledge is power, she made certain to check out as many psychology books as the limit allowed, and signed up for the next semester's psychology elective. It was a relief that she didn't fit the profile for psychopathy or an Electra complex, but it left her with the question of why.
Coming home from the library to an empty apartment and a note from her mother, she had an epiphany.
She wishes she were an orphan because if she were, not that much would change for the worse. She knows this is not at all realistic, but it certainly feels that way.
Ami has not spent any significant time with her father for approximately a decade, and while she feels she loves him, she isn't certain. One of her literature teachers espoused that, "to know is to love," and she isn't certain how much she knows about him. It's easy to tell herself that he has a habit of leaving his home messy and forgetting to eat when in the grips of inspiration, but she hasn't spent enough time to know how certain this is. He could be faking it if he doesn't feel like spending time with her that particular visit.
The paintings in her room suggest that he likes water as well—lakes, rivers, and sea-sides abound in his art, along with a few arctic landscapes—but are those what he enjoys painting, or merely what he is good at painting, or what sells? She's well aware that she's never seen him paint something from life. Ever.
Not even a portrait of her.
And ignoring her father's eagerness or lack thereof to spend time with her in any meaningful way, Ami knows that her mother's presence and influence in her life must be a major contributor to these feelings as well.
Or more precisely, again, her mother's lack thereof.
She can't begrudge her mother her job and duties. Saeko Mizuno saves lives everyday with her actions, much the way Ami does as Sailor Mercury. Though of course, the jealous part of her occasionally whispers, Ami Mizuno has only had to cancel four or five outings due to Sailor Mercury's activities.
As her mother's note noted (with teardrops, Ami reminds herself forcefully) she owes Ami for approximately one hundred ninety-three canceled attempts at togetherness.
This is not counting the number of times when both knew ahead of time that they would not be seeing each other, which averages at three times in two weeks.
After her epiphany, Ami clocked their meetings and the time between over the next several months. If she does not go out of her way to make contact, such as by waiting up for her or sticking her head into her mother's room while she catches up on badly needed rest, it is entirely possible for Ami to go an entire week without seeing or speaking with her mother.
And despite the lack of contact there is still the dam—there is still the pressure.
Saeko expects her daughter to do well in school. To be the top of the class. To keep her grades up and set the example that everyone else would want to follow. It's rare for her to get particularly pushy about it, as she usually respects Ami's dedication and maturity.
Then again, it's rare for her to feel the need to get pushy about it, since Ami is usually so straight-laced. The straight A honors student. And obviously, if that takes a dip it means that something must be wrong.
Saeko never suggested that Ami stop seeing her friends or cut down on social activity. Nothing that overt. In fact, Ami believes her mother probably doesn't realize what she does or why she does it.
That said, it gives Ami an odd mix of thrill and frustration when her experiment leads her to conclude that yes, she can ensure some contact with her mother by scoring only a 92 or 95 on a test.
Then, when the rest of her friends gather round to ask her if anything is wrong—worried by the same score that got her mother's attention—she finds herself looking into green eyes and swallowing back that boiling, tarry mix of envy and self-loathing.
One day she circuitously suggests and agrees to a movie night at Makoto's un-chaperoned apartment with the rest of the girls. She purposefully neglects to mention to anyone that it's set for the Friday that her mother has a weekend free from work for the first time in three months.
The flash of vindictive satisfaction she feels when she arrives home from the all-nighter to find her mother asleep in her clothes at the kitchen table, with two filled plates in the fridge, is enough to reduce her to a sobbing, incomprehensible wreck. For the first time she can remember Ami vents her feelings through physical violence, tearing one of her canvases into sixteenths.
It doesn't stop her from lying to her mother by claiming she confused the dates, but she feels better when they spend the rest of the day lazily talking and playing games from her childhood until they finally fall asleep together on the couch.
Ami was surprisingly tough to get started, but since she was the first I figured I'd go the easy route and play with parental problems, which all the senshi seem to have in abundance. Seriously, the one with the happiest family is Usagi, and she gets it rough in other places with bad grades and clumsiness. Maybe getting caught up in the destruction of an empire gave the senshi some bad karma in their next lives?
Next up will be Venus, with a look at how she's managed to remain single in spite of all her attractive characteristics.
