Part one of two. See the Prologue here: s/9070956/14/The-Fire-Lord-and-Lady
Suki was horribly, totally, unequivocally bored. If bored was even the right word for what she was. She had retired for the Kyoshi Warriors, relinquishing her responsibilities six months ago and since then her life was less about being an accomplished martial artist and more about being a lady of the court. Her boredom saturated every part of her life, digging its way into her heart and manifesting as sadness. Not really sadness, but just an uneasiness that brought tears to her eyes when she least expected it. She told no one about this, not even Zuko. She was so grateful for everything that he had done for her, and she did not want to come off as ungrateful. She thought that if she ignored it that it would go away eventually.
She still had her new job to look forward to, or what would be her new job anyways. She was no longer a Kyoshi warrior, but something different, better perhaps. She was training in many ways to be the best Fire Lady that she could be, or at least the one that the world needed. That was her job now. It's not that it was not rewarding, it was just different in many ways.
There were meetings, many meetings. Zuko had asked her to head a newly formed welfare system that was being used in the nation. He had said that they needed someone compassionate yet strong to make sure that it was done correctly, making her the perfect candidate. She helped Zuko with his work as well. He always was asking her what she thought about different policies, wanting her input as his companion and future wife. She enjoyed her work, but could not shake the feeling that all of the work she was doing was for nothing, that it was unimportant.
On top of all that there was a wedding to plan. Her wedding: their wedding. They had set a date a year out, giving them enough time to make sure things were right. A Fire Sage was working with her to make sure that all the traditions were adhered too. She found this mostly frustrating, seeing as that she wanted this to be her wedding just as much as his. Whenever she suggested something, rather it be from personal preference or a Kyoshi wedding tradition, her request was quickly rejected. He would say that 'there was no room for it in the ceremony' or 'We don't do that here in the Fire Nation'. She would just smile and nod, while wanting to cry.
Her relationship with Zuko seemed to be the only thing that she was sure of. It did not matter if they were making love, taking tea, or even doing something not so glamorous like baby sitting the new born Kya, it was always perfect. She felt like they were the only two people alive, and that it would always be like that. He made her feel like she had always dreamt and hope a man would.
Suki loved the closeness, she longed for it. She loved waking up next to him, and knowing that even if they did not see one another during the way they would that night. It just made things ok, it was the only thing that she could wrap her mind around. She was not ready to give that up.
"Wait… what?"
"I just think it would be nice." The one side of Zuko's mouth curled up into a smile.
"You… you don't want to sleep together anymore?"
"It's not that I don't like it, I do." He laughed, handing her a cup of tea, "I love our sex life. I was just thinking that we could wait till we were married before we had sex again."
"But why can't we still sleep in the same bed?"
"Well I think that sex goes along with that, right?"
It was not the lack of sex, but the lack of intimacy that scared her. She had grown found of having him next to her as she slept. She got warmth and comfort from him and she did not know if she would be able to sleep without that, without him.
"It's not like we would never see one another. We would still take meals together and see one another during the way."
"I know…" She just nodded slowly, trying not to worry about it, "If you want to."
"I just think it would be nice. I mean we would not have made love in a year, and then we get to do it on our wedding night." He leaned in and kissed her on the cheek quickly. "Kind of romantic, don't you think?"
Suki laughed a little bit, nodding as she looked over at him, "Yes… romantic." It was romantic, and it was a good idea, even if she had to sacrifice having him with her at night. She just had to remind herself that he would still be around for her to see whenever she wanted or needed.
That was the first night that she had been alone in her bed in almost nine months. She did sleep a wink.
She feel back into routine, doing the best that she could at everything. Her sleeping was still not normal, getting only a few hours a night. She never complained, but could feel the weight of tiredness pressing down on her constantly. Any time that she did get to spend with him in private was spent with her cuddling up next to him, going to sleep right away.
One of her new dresses, a formal one, was being completed. At first she had resisted the idea of new, nicer clothing. She feared that people would talk: the girl from a rustic island who slept with the Fire Lord and got nice clothes out of it. She had never heard something like this for herself, but she was sure that is what people thought of her. As much as she hated to admit it though, she liked the new things that he had given to her. The yards of green and red silk made her feel like she had nothing on at all, like they were a new found extension of her own skin.
A pin prick pulled Suki from her thoughts, a small yelp on her lips. "Sorry, Lady Suki." The royal tailor mumbled with pins in her mouth. She sat back on her stood, a frown on her face. "We will need to order more of this trim."
"Why is that?" Suki asked the older woman as she looked down at her, bags under her eyes from the lack of sleeo.
"This was the last little bit and it's too short. Seems like you have put on a bit of weight."
Suki's eyes snapped to her reflection, her eyes quickly looking over every part of her body to try and find the weight that she had apparently gained. She had been eating more recently, a futile attempt to counter act the lack energy from little to no sleep. She did not think that this would lead to actual weight gain though.
"No worries dear, it happens to the best of us." The old woman chuckled, "Just watch those Fire Flakes or we are going to have to take out all your dresses."
Suki did not hear what she was saying thought, the blood was pounding in her head to loudly.
She left the tailor's office, heading quickly to her room. She wanted to be alone, she needed to be alone. She thought that if she tried hard enough she could get some sleep, that would surely make her feel better. She was usually gone this time of day and knew that they would be cleaning her suite. Her suspicion was right, as evident by the chattering of two women she heard from her suite as she walked towards the door. She stopped before she got there though, listening.
"You know I've not found any of his clothes in here for almost a month now."
"Same with his room. I don't think they are sleeping together anymore."
"I thought that's what she was here for."
"That was my impression too. I mean why else bring that homely peasant into his bed chamber?"
Suki held a hands to her mouth, covering it as her eyes clenching tight to hold back tears. She wanted to tear into the room, yelling at them both, but her legs would not budge. She had never been anything but nice to these two woman, which make it hurt all the worse.
"You know, I still don't believe this marriage thing. I thought he was just going to make her his concubine."
"I was under the impression that is what she was."
"Well she is doing a piss poor job at it. She needs to be taking care of his needs, why else would she be here?"
"Happy Fire Lord, happy nation."
Suki did not hear this last part, she had taken off down the hall, tears steaming down her cheeks. She knew that people thought those things about her, but to hear someone actually say it was something else. Her head started to spin as she ran down the hall, tears streaming down her cheeks as the pressure on her head from exhaustion became almost unbearable. She did not care about having to be strong anymore, she did not care about what he might think of her, she just needed him, she needed Zuko.
She ran to his office, finding Zuko's assistant Xi sitting at his desk in the foyer of the Fire Lord's office suite. Xi saw her coming, giving her his usual soft smile, "Hello Lady Suki." He was immediately taken aback but her disheveled state, her cheeks streaked with tears, her eyes red. "Are you alright?"
"Is he here?" She spoke with her clenched fist over her mouth, the shaking of her voice matching the shaking that her entire body was doing.
"I'm sorry." Xi stood and walked around the desk, going to her. "He had to run to Fire Fountain City to sort something out. He left in a hurry and asked me to tell you goodbye for him. I got busy and was not able to get the message to you."
It was in that second that it all caught up with her. With him being gone, the only thing in her life that was clear, the only thing in her life that kept her anchored was gone. The fact that she was so tired only heightened the flood of emotions.
Looking back on this moment Suki would know that she should have just taken things in strides, dealing with them one at a time. She would have reminded herself that he would only be gone for a few days, and when he came back she could see him again. She also would have realized that although it hurt what those maids had said, what they thought did not matter. She knew she was not those things to Zuko, which is all that mattered. She would have also reminded herself that it was ok if she gained a little bit of weight. She was going on 24 and it was normal for woman of this age to go though some body changes. She would have realized that what their wedding was or was not, it would not matter. At the end of that day she would be his wife, which is all she really wanted.
The most important thing that she would have realized that the work she was doing was important. That it had already helped countless people and would continue to help people for years to come. No, she was not a Kyoshi Warriror anymore, but she was on her way to being a kind, strong and just world leader. And really that was more amazing than anything else she had ever thought her life would amount to.
However as she was standing in that office, none of these things came to mind. Between the exhaustion and her sudden extreme loneliness that hit her, her brain seemed to rip in two.
Her knees shook, her heart pounding, panic taking over her body. Her green silk dress pulled around her legs as her knees hit the floor, her hands arms going around her waist, applying pressing in attempts to ease the stabbing pain that she now felt in her stomach.
"Suki?" Xi reached for her after kneeling down, his hand resting on her shoulder. The instant that his skin made contact with her's it was like the current was completed, the breakdown initiated.
She saw only red, felt only panic as she opened her mouth, a blood curdling scream forcing its was up from her stomach and into the space around her. Xi stumbled back, his eyes wide as he watched Suki screaming. He had never heard something like that come from a person. He froze, not sure what to do.
After a few moments his kind kicked back into gear and he pulled himself to his feet, "Stay here, I will get help." He ran out of the office, leaving her alone. Suki closed her eyes, feeling the pressure in her head becoming too much. She fell onto the floor in the office, her consciousness closing off.
