For once, the Courier wished Benny could have aimed better.
Sure, it would have meant the Mojave would have gone the way the dodos what with all the shit that's been going down but at least he would not have to go through this hell. He just wanted to enjoy his bottle of wasteland tequila in peace.
"Six... Si~ix... He~ey..."
And not worry about four brats who had just come from another dimension. Seriously, did he prick himself on a hallucinogenic cactus or something? Who were this kids? How the fuck did you all end up here in the first place?
Blondie right next to him was piss drunk and going on mood swings. She would always start off with a brawl then after a few good sparring matches (or pretty much duels where he usually just took it as her punching bag until he snapped and beat her senseless that one time), she would start slurring about how she missed Remnant and how the Wasteland was cool and how Remnant was better but the Wasteland was even cooler...
"Have you ever thought of...you know...eating a cigarette?"
The Courier exhaled. "No."
Yang burst out laughing. And doubled over the stool in the abandoned gas station, completely passed out after one too many shots of whiskey.
And to think he could finally get some alone time, here comes Red and Black. Oh, correction. Ruby and Blake. No, more appropriately, Hyper and Cat-girl.
"So what's it like in Vegas? Is it like Vale? Can we go in all the fancy hotels? Do they still take bottle caps there? If the NCR's there, does that mean we can use paper money now? Six. Hey, Six!"
The Courier groaned. "What."
Blake sighed and pulled Ruby off of him before she could barrage him with even more questions. "She ate something that we found in the trash outside."
Goddamn it. "What did she eat?"
"Sugar Bombs. Are they even safe?"
The Courier let out a low growl as he massaged his temples. "For Hyper, no. She's sugar high, ain't she." Great. Hyper's got a damn sweet tooth.
"Pretty much."
Six glanced behind him to see Yang snoring on the floor and Blake keeping Ruby from bouncing off the walls. Orange beams filtered through the boarded up windows. Dusk was fading into night. The next stop was a long walk away. Time to hunker down for the night. Wait. Headcount: Blondie, Hyper, Cat-girl... "Where's Snowball?"
"The bathroom stalls caved in so Weiss went looking for a shrub," Blake answered nonchalantly as she kept her iron grip on the back of Ruby's collar.
"Oh. Well, it's getting dark so get her inside before the radroaches—"
An ear-piercing shriek ripped through the dry stillness from behind the gas station. Ruby, Blake, and the Courier bolted out of the building ready to take on a Legion hit squad only to find Weiss furiously freezing an entire colony of giant ants surging out of an ant mound that had been so conveniently unearthed by the previous day's sandstorm. From the looks of it, the problem had already been dealt with. Weiss stood there, gripping her bottoms, panting and horrified with her rapier aimed towards the rather macabre ice-statue of fire ants crawling on top of each other.
"Weiss, are you alright?" Ruby asked, Crescent Rose planted firmly into the ground.
"I think she's fine," a vexed Blake said.
"How the fuck... Did you piss on top of an ant mound?" the Courier demanded. "How did you not see that?"
Weiss saw him staring and nearly bowled him over with her ice tricks. "Don't look!"
Oh, that's right. She wasn't wearing anything below the waist because she was busy doing her business on top of an ant mound. The Courier groaned in frustration before walking back inside. He could feel an aneurysm coming on. And it wasn't from the bullets Doc Mitchell pulled out of his head.
Later that night, the Courier awoke groggily to Ruby poking his side with the blunt end of her scythe. He turned on his side and hissed, "What is it?"
"I have to go pee."
Six blinked. "Then pee."
"But what if I pee on a giant ant hill or...or a hidden mole rat colony?"
The Courier ended up lying flat on his back on the old mattress that every passing traveler slept on. "You're smart enough to know what they look like."
"But it's dark. And I can't see without your Pip-boy light."
You have got to be fucking kidding me, woman, his mind screamed."Can't you just use your Dust or Semblance thingies to see in the dark?"
"That's not how it works," Ruby said. Pouting.
The Courier swore he could see her pouting in the dark. "You're a big girl. Go pee outside."
"But Si~ix..."
Try as he might, she kept poking him on the sides until he finally snapped, got up and dragged her by the arm outside away from the frozen ant mound. She seemed happy to finally have some privacy behind a cactus...that was about the size of his boot.
"Don't look."
The Courier let out an annoyed hiss. His back was already turned. "Just get it over with. We got a long way to go in the morning."
"But it is already morning."
"Shut up and pee, already."
They all woke up to a sandstorm. A really strong sandstorm. So strong, in fact, that the sand could essentially flay off exposed skin after a good while, effectively trapping them all inside the gas station. It didn't help that visibility outside was reduced to two inches as well.
"I miss Remnant," Ruby said over the whistling of the desert outside, sitting with her legs crossed in the middle of the room.
"Yeah, I miss it, too," Blake admitted beside her.
"Aw, this place isn't that bad," Yang chirped.
"I beg to differ," Weiss mumbled.
At the bar, the Courier poured himself a shot of wasteland tequila. Their trip to Vegas was delayed (again) but at least he could finally enjoy some alone time with his alcohol. And maybe pretend that this was all just a dream and he would wake up by himself without ever having to worry about four high-maintenance teenage brats who would bitch and whine about anything and everything...
"A little too early to drink, eh, Six?"
Son of a bitch. "Shut up, Yang."
"It's not wise to start your day off drunk, you know," Blake admonished.
"I agree. What would happen if this sandstorm died and you were too intoxicated to lead us to Vegas?" Weiss ranted. "What would happen if suddenly raiders storm in or those mutant monstrosities start tearing through the windows like Grimm and you're too drunk to shoot straight?"
Ruby poked him in the side. "You should try some Sugar Bombs. They're a good energy boost. Better substitute to that this early in the morning. Hey, let's have Sugar Bombs for breakfast and lunch!"
In his mind, the Courier was strangling these brats. But alas, he could only controllably exhale with as much patience as he could muster and let his tequila slosh in the glass. Why me? Why the fuck do I have to babysit these brats? Why are they even here? Why, why, why, Goddamn it, why?
He really wished Benny could have aimed better.
ORIGINALLY DRAFTED: January 29, 2018
LAST EDITED: February 6, 2018
INITIALLY UPLOADED: January 29, 2018
NOTE: It's an hour passed midnight and my mind's going places.
