Title : Liegeman

Summary : Set sometimes in episodes 42-46, Conrad considers what he lost.

Thanks to Slytherisa for beta-reading

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The best part of being a liegeman is to follow; to have the comfort of not worrying where you are led to. Yosak is still happy to have that, with his king. Thinking of Yosak brings up memories of the trip to Bandarbia, the way he tested Yuuri, to set his heart ready for disappointment if he sensed he was never to experience this bond. He now has this bond. As I did.

My eyes get slightly fogged and I feel my hand tremble as I remember, for now it is just a ... painful... long-lost memory. It usually comes with trust, this bond. Your liege partially trusts you with his life and in return you follow him, trusting him with yours, blindly following him and believing in his strength to avoid most of the traps ahead... Obedience in acts. Freedom in trust. I now only feel a hollow echo through the emptiness in my chest where this bond used to be.

Yuuri... my king, more painful than the loss of an arm, this is the sacrifice I consented to serve my country. I still remember the joy, the first feeling, the astonishment as you freely and completely trusted me... and when you finally took up your charge and ordered me to trust you... the first time our bond was truly complete... It shall never be the same again.

Once it is shattered this bond may never become the same again. There will always be an undercurrent of fear and doubt: "Will I get betrayed again?"... Maybe had I gone to Shimaron earlier... maybe if I had been less present by your side... maybe if you had not trusted me so much from the start... but no. It is never, never to be again... our bond was too fast-established, too strong, too deep... too broken.