This story was inspired by listening to 'Made of Scars' by Stone Sour, it felt like a good description of Deeks' character with his past living with his father and the sadness of the last episode. This is my first attempt at a song fic, I do hope it's alright.
This one came from looking
This one opened twice
These two seem as smooth as silk, flush againt my eyes
This one needed stiches and
This one came from rings
This one isn't even there, but I feel it more because you don't care
Deeks sat in his apartment alone, leaving ops about an hour ago he was now sitting on his couch alone with Monty curled up beside him, head on his lap, beer in his hand, "some birthday" Deeks muttered taking a swig from his beer before turning his attention back to the television.
Yeah, Cut right into me
Yeah, Cause I am Made Of Scars
Yes I am made of scars
The images projecting from the television provided the only source of light as it flickered a stream of colours into the apartment. Deeks absentmindedly stroked Monty's fur, the dog snoring peacefully beside him. "Man's best friend" Deeks thought to himself "more like my only friend" he sighed rubbing a hand through his scruffy fur.
This one had it coming
This one found a vein
This one was an accident, but never gave me pain
This one was my fathers and
This one you can't see
This one had me scared to death,
But I guess I should be glad I'm not dead!
His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. There was really only one person who would call around this late. He sighed before moving off the couch, much to the displeasure of Monty who was now minus his pillow.
Yeah, Cut right into me
Yeah, I am made of scars
Yes, I am made of scars
He opened the door not bothering to check who it was first.
"Hey" Kensi said almost sheepishly looking down at the floor at first, knowing that the second she made eye contact with Deeks she would feel the pangs of guilt all over again. "Hey." He replied softly. "Can I please come in?" She asked finally peeling her eyes away from the pavement. Deeks was never one to deny her, especially when she had that damn pleading look in her eyes. How could he say no? "Sure" he replied stepping aside to let her in.
God, Don't you believe it
Kensi immediately took in the dark surroundings of his apartment, the three empty beer bottles, the half eaten pizza sitting on the table. She was a terrible partner, how could she let him celebrate his birthday alone? She prioritised a criminal saving her life one time over her partner who had saved it countless times. She turned around to face him as she made her way over to the couch. For the first time that night she turned to look at the man standing in front of her, she noted that he was shirtless wearing only jeans. Her eyes were drawn to looking at his chest, even with the television being the only light source she could see the scars from his last shooting. Heading towards the couch she noticed Monty lying down with his head pricked up all excited to see her. "Monty off" Deeks commanded and the dog skulked off to his own bed, sensing the tone in his master's voice. Kensi swallowed hard before taking a seat.
And I will find a way
Everything you are I will betray
Oooh, I swear that I will find a way
Everything you are's inside me
"You have every right to be pissed at me Deeks, I'm sorry I forgot your birthday" she said looking over at him as he sat on the opposite end of the couch.
"It's not that you forgot my birthday, it's that you still chose to go out to dinner with somebody else once you found out about it" he said sadly. This was not her Deeks, no hint of humour, sarcasm, nothing. She had really blown it this time, how the hell could she fix this?
"I'm sorry I couldn't go to dinner with you..." She said softly looking down at the floor.
"Why couldn't you? Who was more important than me?" He asked, fearing her answer may be another man.
"Jaime... he saved my life today..." She said unconvincingly, she could ever hear how her voice wavered.
"What and I didn't? I knew the minute I walked in there that I would be made and yet I still did it to buy you some time." He replied angrily, his voice raising a lot louder than he had intended.
He had a point, her silence indicated that he had won that round. She continued to look down at the floor, fighting back the tears that were just waiting to fall.
This one was the first one
This one had a vice
This one here I like to rub on dark and stormy nights
This one was the last one,
I don't remember how
But I remember blood and rain
AND I NEVER SAW IT COMING AGAIN
"Why did you go to dinner with him and not me?" Deeks asked, his tone a lot more composed yet still deadly serious.
"It was too late to cancel on him" She replied still unwilling to look up at Deeks. A dead give-away that she was lying.
"Kens..." He pushed knowing that what she was saying was complete and utter bullshit.
"I can't tell you..." She said sadly.
"So this is what it's come to huh? Keeping things from me, forgetting my birthday..."
"Deeks..."
"No, I'm not done yet, you guys are always treating me like a joke, taking shots at me because I'm not an agent, you know I really thought that I'd found a home at NCIS now I'm starting to think that I don't belong there either..." He confessed, taking a sip out of his fourth bottle of beer.
Yeah, Cut right into me
Yeah, Cause I am made of scars
Yes, I am made of scars
That's what I'm made of!
"Can I please turn this on?" She asked softly gesturing towards the lamp near the couch. "Knock yourself out" he said shrugging his arms. She reached over and flicked the switch on. She doesn't know what compelled her do it, perhaps it was the need to see Deeks' face and be better able to judge his reactions, or perhaps it was her willingness to show her vulnerability for once and reveal to him the fact that she was crying.
"Shit Kens, I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you cry." He said putting his beer down and immediately scooting over closer to her wrapping his arms around her. She hugged him as if her life depended on it, she needed it more than she would ever admit.
"Deeks don't... don't apologize when you've done nothing wrong." She said sadly rubbing her hands up and down his back feeling the different textures on his skin, the smooth little divets from where the bullet holes had exited through his back, the old scars from when his father would beat him as a child. He had retold only a limited number of stories about his childhood to her. The scars on his body revealed more than his words ever could. She knew that each and every one of them had a painful story behind it, yet she didn't press him to talk about it, that's not how it worked with them. So many stories had remained untold, that was how their 'thing' had always been.
"But I did do something wrong, I upset you." He said pulling back away from the hug to look at her, his hands moving to hold both of her arms.
"Dammit Deeks" Kensi said to herself more than to him, why does he always do that? He's beating up on himself again, his father was lucky he was dead or Kensi was sure she would have killed that man herself.
"Deeks... I'm only upset because what you said is true, we do always make you the butt of jokes, it's not right, and I'm sorry."
"Forget what I said, it doesn't matter" Deeks said trying to play down the situation.
"Yes it does... You're an amazing partner Deeks, you are just as good as anyone on our team" She said trying to allay his concerns.
"You don't have to say this..." He replied, sensing that this was all an act to rebuild his self-esteem rather than the actual truth.
"I'm not just saying it Deeks, there is no one else that I would rather have watching my back. Today at the garage, I was scared but there was a part of me that knew that everything would be okay because you were right there with me." She confessed.
He smiled slightly at her before slightly laughing, "yet you still wouldn't have dinner with me on my birthday..." he said sadly moving back away from her to the end of the couch, beer in hand, taking another sip.
Kensi sighed, there was really only one way to remedy this and it could end up costing her everything...
"Deeks there is a reason why I didn't want to go out to dinner with you..."
"Oh my god, it's because you don't want to be seen out with me at a restaurant again isn't it? It's because of last time isn't it? Look I didn't mean to spill the wine everywhere, god, I'm sorry, it was an accident" Deeks said almost bitterly remembering their last dinner at Crustacean.
"Deeks"
"Just because of that one little accident you don't want to go to dinner with me really?" he asked.
"Deeks"
"That is really mean Kens, it's my birthday! God, I really embarrass you that much?" Deeks sighed getting angrier by the minute.
"Deeks!" Kensi yelled finally getting him to shut up.
"It's not because of last time, well... actually it is..."
"I knew it! God, you can't let things go!"
"Deeks..."
"No, that is a bullshit excuse Kens, it was an accident, what is the likelihood that it would happen again?"
"Dammit Deeks let me finish!"
"Fine!" He yelled, sitting back into the couch and actually letting her speak.
"Okay, it wasn't you spilling the wine, that was actually really hilarious, I think a bit of water came out of my nose from laughing so much."
"That's all I am to you huh? A joke... A great big joke, hey there's Deeks being a joke as always."
"No, what? That's not what I meant! God Deeks, I wasn't saying that at all."
"So what the hell were you saying?"
"You know what? Maybe this isn't such a good idea, I think I'm going to go." She said standing up and preparing to leave. She had come over to make this right however her presence only seemed to be making his mood even worse.
"Oh great, you're going to run away as usual." Deeks laughed, reclining onto the couch throwing his arms up in the air.
"I'm not running away, I just can't talk to you when you're like this."
"Like what?"
"Like a petulant child who can't even let me finish a damn sentence! You keep turning everything that I say around and using against me."
"Whatever..." He says, turning the television up loud to block her out.
"See! This is exactly what I'm talking about." She says grabbing the remote from him and turning the t.v. off before throwing it across the opposite side of the room where it would land with a loud thud, batteries spilling out in the process.
"I was watching that".
"Bullshit, god Deeks, you are so infuriating sometimes!"
"Great another insult to add to the list..." He sighed.
Kensi was beyond pissed at this point. "Fuck" She said angrily throwing her bag down on the table unable to leave things like this. She grabbed the bottle of beer out of his hand putting it on the table, making sure she had his full attention.
"The reason I didn't want to go out to dinner with you again is because the last time we went out..." she paused willing herself to continue "I didn't want that night to end..." She confessed softly as if hoping that he didn't hear her.
"What?" He stammered, hearing her perfectly clear and knowing that there were major implications to what she had just said.
"That last dinner just confirmed to me what I had known for a long time Deeks..." She continued using a soft tone, looking down at the floor again
"What's that?" He asked, she could hear him swallow as soon as he had said it.
"That I'm in love with you..." She said looking him directly in the eye.
