I have been looking for her all day.
I know Rose needs time alone occasionally, as do I, but something has been worrying me lately. It has been about half a sweep since we have been together. We have become closer than I thought we possibly could. I have noticed things that I would never have noticed before if not for the advancement of our relationship. For instance, Rose has a birth mark behind her ear, as well as tiny freckles on her face that one can only see when one comes up close. When one is close enough, they can also see how her skin becomes paler from neck down – not that I was necessarily looking there on purpose. It is just something I happen to have noticed. Yes. That is all it is. There are other things I have noticed, and that is why I am actively searching for her throughout the meteor. It is something in her words that is making me this way. I am probably being paranoid. Communication is the key to any relationship, though. That is why I am split between continuing to look and stopping my search. Sometimes she likes to roam the corridors – so I have painstakingly searched each and every one of them to no avail. I sigh as I walk down to the main lobby. I look to my left, and all I see is another steel walled hallway.
That is the hallway to Rose's room.
I have often walked her to her room; however, I have never been inside of it. Granted, she has not been in my block either. We share a kiss, and we leave each other to the privacy of our room. It is probably the only privacy we can acquire due to Can Town's new expansion near the transportalizer for the library. The general insanity of this meteor tends to astound me. I tend to think I should auspistice for Karkat, Terezi, and Dave – but that is not relevant. If Rose is anywhere on this meteor right now, she is in her room. Do I dare disturb her? She is probably doing something important. I am feeling this strange "vibe", as Dave calls it, coming from the direction of her room. It is best to leave her be. I walk a couple paces to my own part of the meteor. My block is rather out of the way, and one of the biggest in the meteor – if only because of all my decorative and fashion endeavors. I walk a few paces more.
Wait.
I stop in my tracks. Something is bothering me – something about this whole situation. I do not know what it is that coerces me into stepping back and heading down Rose's passageway. I hear my footsteps echo down the hall, providing a haunting beat to my ears. The walk seems dreary at first; the corridor is seemingly longer than it actually is. Perhaps my impulsive decision was the wrong one. It is not too late to turn around. I try to reason with myself. If she does not want me around, then I am intruding. If something is the matter and she is alone, am I still intruding? This is exactly what everyone says is a problem with me. I am too meddlesome. I fear that I really am. Actually, it is better to doubt that I am not meddling than it is to doubt I am. It is not too late to turn around – okay, this time it is. I am already at her door. The shadow I cast on her door is bigger than me. Perhaps it is a representation of what I am doing. I am entering a territory that could be bigger than me in many ways. The feeling is peculiar. I hesitate in my attempt to knock on the door. I choose to call her name out instead.
"Rose?"
There is only silence. Maybe she is not in her room. I am about to turn around when I hear her call out.
"Yes, Kanaya?"
Her voice – it is never that high. Is she sick? She caught what the humans call a "cold" once before. Her voice was scratchy and rough when that happened, though. This is not the case here. The voice is more than one pitch higher than its usual octave. It might be some new kind of sickness. I am becoming extremely worried now.
"Rose, is something wrong?"
I hear a rather loud sigh through the door. I must be exasperating her. If she tells me to leave, I will. I feel terrible. I must have interrupted something important. I turn my heel as if to leave, preparing for the inevitable sentence to do so.
"Come in, Kanaya."
My eyes narrow a bit. That is definitely outside of her normal behavior. My eyebrows furrow. My amount of worry has probably tripled by this point. I jiggle the door handle and push in after I hear the tiny click. I cautiously peak my head in before the rest of my body follows. I look at where Rose is sitting on her…I believe it is called a "bed". There are stains on her cheeks – barely noticeable, if not for my comparably advanced senses, because they are clear. She sniffles and clears her throat – that is similar to how she was when she was sick; however, she did not have those aforementioned stains. She has folded her hands in her lap. From the looks of it, she is squeezing them together rather tightly. Something is not right. She is looking everywhere except at me. Yet, in some strange way, I feel like she needs me to be by her side right now. I do have my doubts about this – I fear I am being too meddlesome. My instinct is the only thing telling me to sit by her, and my acid sac's feeling has been wrong before. On the other side of the token, not following my instinct has led to hesitation and delayed movement when it comes to important situations like these. I decide it is best to follow my intuition.
I walk toward the bed and take my time sitting on it. I have never sat on one of these things. It feels comfier than a couch. It shifts to accommodate us like a sofa would. These things do not seem that bad, despite Karkat's raving rants about terrible human devices such as "the bed". Rose is still looking everywhere besides me – she is turning her body towards me, though. Her hands have unfolded and are still on her lap. She is gripping her pants slightly with the tips of her finger – I have often noticed that she has to have her hands somewhere on her lap when she is feeling nervous. I am sure she is feeling nervous now. Now that I have a closer look at her face, I notice the stains on her cheeks are similar to the path way a tear would take. Was she crying? I cannot see anything else that would make that sort of pattern. I have cried too many times myself to not notice the route of teardrops. What can I do to make her feel better, though? I have no idea what is the matter, and I do not think she cares to talk about it right now. I know what my lusus would do. She would wrap herself around me as best she could.
That is exactly what I will do.
I wrap my arms around Rose before she can notice. I try to make sure I am not squeezing her too tightly or too loosely. I want this to have the calming effect it did on me. I place my head on her upper rotational joint connector. I do not want to shoosh pap her, as I do not know if she will calm down from it. Some individuals have opposite reactions to shoosh paping. I sit there, and I hold her. At first she makes a tiny yelp that would probably be unnoticeable if I were not right next to her – rather, if I were not on her. Her skin is warm and I really do not mind hugging her like this as opposed to holding her as I would when kissing her. After a bit, she lays her head on my shoulder, wrapping her arms around me, and starts to sob. She is legitimately bawling on me. I can feel the mucus and tears all over my sleeve. I do not mind it. As long as she can get what she needs to get out of her system. Her words are garbled and her phrases are jumbled. I can barely comprehend what she is saying – what she is upset about.
I can make out a few things. Some of the things she has talked about with me, albeit not in depth like she is trying to right now. Rose has trouble with what is expected of her, as shown to her by what the others have said and what she expects of herself. However, it is my partially my fault for forgetting to tell her that I do not think this way, and that it is absurd to reach for perfection like this. I have only listened and nodded my head, in an attempt to let her say what she needs to say. After she had said what she wanted to say, she excused herself so she can have time alone. This is a moment in which my hesitation has come to the point of catastrophe. Without a doubt, from what she is saying, she thinks I consider her abilities that of perfection as well. This is not the case, though she has not told me what the exact weaknesses are. I cannot really make them out as she is speaking and choking on her words at the same time.
Rose is talking about her mother now, and I grip her tighter – not so much so that I would be causing her to breathe less, as she is probably having trouble breathing to get the words out in the first place. At least, it seems like it since she is practically gasping for breath after every sentence. For humans, mothers are like lusii. Though many lusii are violent and are rarely there, other lusii, like my own, are nothing but accommodating, helpful, and they keep one from being lonely. From what she has told me, Rose did not have a relationship with her mother like I had with my lusus. They played passive aggressive games with each other, at least from her standpoint. However, she never got to tell her mother that she truly loved her before she died. She was too late to do it. That is what sent her into the final descent into grimdarkness – the phase she is trying so hard to not fall back into.
One of the major problems with Rose, from what I have observed, is that she tends to hide her true emotion – even towards someone she likes. She compresses her emotions, though she is saying she wants to let them show, so much that she probably will turn grimdark again with the slightest provocation in the next session. It could be that she breaks down like this instead, but that is a whole different issue. The point is that she tries to stop having emotions to stop the grimdark when in all actuality, that is most likely making it worse. Her words right now are telling me that she is dying to break free from the binds she has held herself to. I will admit that the others rely on her a bit too much, but for the most part she has put these expectations on herself. She is an over achiever to the highest degree – realizing she has flaws that can only be helped so much yet still seeking to erase them completely. She is reaching for perfection when neither human nor any troll can actually reach it. She has flaws, and that is what I like about her. Yes, her words are cryptic sometimes and she is overly sarcastic. No one besides me can understand if she is being ironic or telling the truth when she gets like that. The others still have a hard time.
I have had a hard time with perfection as well. I still have bits of the problem now. I wanted to have everyone get along perfectly. I wanted the interactions between everyone to be calm and peaceful. This is why I have such a grudge against Gamzee and Eridan. They completely fucked that dream up, so to speak. When I think about it, there was no way that was going to happen. This is not my time to complain, however – even to myself. It is Rose's time now.
She picks her head up and takes it off of my upper rotational joint connector. I can see the mess she made of my shirt in my peripheral vision. It does not really matter though. I can see how terrible she feels just by the look on her face. She starts to speak, but I immediately silence her. I smile at her – I know it is not my usual smile. I only want to make her feel better. I lean in and kiss her on the forehead. When I lean back outward, I move my eyes to hers. Her eyes are a beautiful shade of purple. Now, I am going to attempt to say the words that I should have told her a long, long, time ago.
"Rose, it is going to be alright."
I know she will not believe me. Not at first. She will probably think I am covering what I really think up, and that I do not want to be with her for any length of time anymore. I do not know why she would think that, considering how the amount of time she and I have spent on this meteor together have been some of the best times of my life. It is most likely that she does not think I understand. I have to think of a way to prove it to her – I need to say the right words. I need to do the right actions. I cup her face with one of my hands.
"I believe the phrase is 'you are only human'. It is okay to have emotions. Trolls have them too."
Rose's response is quick.
"No, Kanaya, you do not seem to understand –"
I know it is bad to interrupt others when they are talking. This time, though, I have to intervene. Rose needs to hear it loud and clear.
"I may not completely understand, however, I understand enough of your situation to tell you that you are the strongest individual I know. It is healthy to let yourself cry and show emotion. It does not make me appreciate your company any less."
Her facial expression changes to one of puzzlement. It is only after some silence that she shows some sign of understanding what I previously said. She takes her hand and puts it on top of the hand I have on her face. My lips tug upward into an almost smile.
"Are you sure?"
My response is as immediate as hers was before.
"I have never been surer in regards to anything that has happened in my six sweeps of life. Actually, my five sweeps of life and a sweep of undead life."
Somehow, that gets a chuckle out of her. I give her a genuine smile. Honestly speaking, there is no one I would want to be with more than this woman in front of me. When the game is over, I want to be with her – there is no doubt in my mind. I do not know where this game will lead if we do win – if it will be another new universe or if our two universes will combine. It could be neither of those, for all we know. Yet, it will all be okay with me no matter what happens – as long as I am with Rose. I have the urge to tell her this.
"I hope you know that I want to be with you when all of this ends."
She looks at me, with nearly wriggler-like wonder in her eyes.
"Can you say that again, Kanaya?"
"Hm?"
"What you just said. Can you say it again?"
I beam at her, somewhat glad she wants me to repeat it. This way I know she is listening to me – not that she was not before. It is just nice to know that she really wants to hear what I have to say.
"I want to be with you when all of this ends."
I wonder if I should say it. I have wanted to say this for a perigee or so. I know it is early. Yet, one could think I can say it because we have known each other for an extended period of time. She smiles at me for the first time since I set foot in the room. I cannot look at her though – my face must be entirely jade. No – I cannot look her in the eye. Should I say it? I want to say it. I look up a little bit, trying to meet her gaze.
I am going to say it.
"I do not know if this is the right time to say this, or how to say this. I do not know if you will understand it in my terms or if I should use your terms. If I use your terms I will not know if I am using them right and I could be saying the wrong thing. If I use my terms I will know what I am saying, but then you might not. It is quite a dilemma and I am split between –"
This time she interrupts me.
"Kanaya, you are rambling."
I quickly apologize. I clear my protein chute. Let me give this one more try.
"Let me try it this way. In my terms, I would say I am flushed the deepest of reds for you. In your terms, I believe the phrase is 'I love you'."
She responds with silence.
Maybe I said it too soon? Does she not feel the same way? Oh, no. I could have completely messed this up. I look at her, expecting her to say something yet nothing at all. I do not know what to –
"I love you too."
I finally shift my eyes to hers. I literally want to cry out of sheer joy. I do not even know what to do. Before I have a chance to try to figure out what to do with myself, she unwinds her arms from around me and places them around my neck – there is a sudden pulling motion, and I find myself moving my arms every which way in order to catch myself. By the end of it, my arms are on each side of Rose, I am on top of her, and I am straddling her as she lies beneath me. I did not fully comprehend what happened until we wound up in this positioning, and as such, stammering and stuttering on my end is perfectly in order. She grins up at me, and puts her warm hand on my face, mimicking the action I took earlier. Instead of keeping her hand still, though, she uses her fingers to trace from the tip of my ear all the way down to my collar bone.
It feels very, very good. I am aware of every stroke, leaning in so I can feel them more. It sends a chill up my spinal erector. My breathing pattern becomes different as she varies the pressure of her touches. I know this will feel even better when I shut my eyes, so that is what I do. Rose's hand wraps around the base of one of my horns. That in itself is a turn on for most trolls, but combined with the bit of force she uses to push me down enough to touch her lips? I cannot help it when I let out an "mmm" to show how much I like what is happening. I push a little harder against her lips, and she pushes back with an equivalent amount of force. She starts to move her hand from my horn – an action that makes me miss the contact.
Rose moves her hand down my hair, down my neck, and further down. I arch into it as she goes lower and lower, reaching my lower back and going under my shirt. I squeak a bit – the temperature difference between her hand and my back surprises me. I know I am touch-sensitive – I just did not think my reactions would be so quick – so needy. I hear her laugh, and I stare her down with an "angry" expression – I cannot make myself look mad when this feels so good. She smiles at me, and traces circles on my back. Her fingers go up toward the scar on my back, and then back down. I do not know how I feel about her seeing and touching the scar yet, so I think it is better for her to not touch it for now. It does not seem like she is aiming to go near it, anyway. I crash my lips into hers – but then I get an idea. I do not have to stay on her lips. I can explore. I have nibbled her ears before, but not her neck. I have resisted putting my mouth to her neck for…obvious reasons. I feel like now is the time to be bold – the time to test myself.
As soon as my lips are on hers, I take them off and place my mouth on the lobe of Rose's ear. I lick the lobe lightly – noting that birth mark once more before I kiss and lick down her jaw line. I hear her let out a moan as my teeth graze against her neck. I can feel the blood rushing, her pulse racing – so very, very tempting to just bite. Instead, I opt for more sucking, kissing, and licking. This is absolute torture.
"Kanaya."
I do not really want to remove my mouth from her person. It may be torture, and it may be tempting, but hearing the noises Rose makes is worth the suffering. She is expecting a response, so I remove my lips of her neck.
"Yes?"
"You can bite."
...I do not know if I should be skeptical, or if I should thank what the humans call "the heavens". I am more than enthusiastic about this. My cautious side peeks through even with this situation, though. This could hurt her. I have to ask if she's sure. It is highly embarrassing for me, however. I cannot get the words "are you sure" out properly. I am being entirely selfish. I want her to say I can continue so terribly, yet I do not want to damage her. I do not know the effects a bite might have on humans. I do not –
"Kanaya, it is going to be alright."
The same exact words I used to make her feel better…I am still not completely sure. I look at her face, then her neck, then back to her face. Rose nods at me, a glint in her eye. That is when I can see that she is not doing this just to help with my needs – she wants me to. I lick my lips; my tongue goes over a bit of my fang. For some reason, I feel possessive – like this somehow proves something. It may be primitive of me, but this makes me feel like she is truly mine.
I suck on the side of her neck – every time I go lower, I suck longer. By the time I get to the junction between her neck and collarbone, the side of her neck is one big red splotch. The blood is nearly at the surface at her skin. I graze it with my teeth – coaxing more blood to the surface. I give the area another measured, lengthy lick.
And then I bite.
My fangs sink in easily, and they are washed in blood as soon as the tips are in. I hear Rose take in a sharp breath – her nails dig into my back. I wait for her to start breathing normally again before I reposition myself to get more comfortable, and to gain an optimum position for blood access. My leg mid-joint finds a comfortable spot in between Rose's legs. Her blood does not have a particular flavor so much as it tastes light – airy, even. It seems that when I move upward with my fangs, I attract more blood to them. I maneuver so that I can get more blood to flow towards me. When I do so, my leg mid-joint moves upward – her moans become varied between low sounds and high ones. They are also far less contained whenever it moves. I thrust it the tiniest bit against her as I take my fangs out, licking at the marks I left to help them coagulate. Rose lifts her neck toward my fangs, as if she wants me to bite once more. Taking the blood has left me breathless – an unfortunate side effect of taking too much. She is panting even harder than I am when I pick my head up to look at her – her face is totally flushed, the entire side of her neck is bruised, and her hair a complete and total mess. Her headband was lost when this occasion became more intense. How could she be such a seductress?
In a sudden movement, Rose moves her arms from off my lower back and around my neck – she pulls me down and my mouth fall onto hers. She kisses my lips with even more passion than she did before – licking and nibbling my top lip and lower lip. My teeth are likely to leave bruises on her lips. I do not think she cares at this moment. Her moans are vibrating against me – I cannot help moaning as well. She licks and nips, enticing me to open my mouth. As such, I oblige her unspoken request. Her tongue snakes out to lick at the tip of my own. I decide it is best to let her take the lead for now. I will take it later, at another time. I imitate the motions of her tongue, as well as the speed. Then, Rose does two things she has never done before. One, she sucks on the tip of my tongue, which draws out a long, breathy moan from me. Of course, this is aided by what she is does at the same time – she takes a single arm off of the back of my neck, and places it between us so she can grab one of my vestigial chest sacs, pushing me upward.
This whole entire time there have been signs of wanting to pail, but none more so than now. My nook is aching – I moan with less restraint than before, just as Rose is doing. To my disappointment, she licks at the tip of my tongue and finishes the kiss – using the same move she usually uses, which is sucking my lower lip and pulling it toward her. When she releases it, she puts the hand that was groping me on my head – running her fingers through my hair. I am awfully turned on, but she is right in deciding to stop here. It would be unfair to take advantage of this opportunity when she was sobbing what feels like mere moments ago. Besides, I believe we both need to catch our breath. There is no need to speak for a while, so I lay my head on her chest. Rose is the one to break the silence.
"Well, that was fun." She says – I can catch a glimpse of a smirk as I lift my head.
I raise my head up as so that I can see the entirety of her face – I am too turned on to really think about what I want to say. I suppose I will have to go for the obvious. I give her a smirk in return.
"I would have to agree."
She is staring me in the eye – as if she is looking for something in them. I can see her smirk turning into a slight smile. I am glad I can make her like this – happy. I would do anything in the entire universe if it meant that I could make her happy.
"Kanaya?"
"Yes?"
"Would you stay with me tonight?"
I look at the empty space on the bed. It seems like it would hold me. I have never slept on a bed before. However, there is the thought that sleeping on Rose would be comfier. I opt for the bed instead.
"Nothing would make me happier, Rose."
"You might want to get off me, then."
I may have been thinking about it no more than one thought ago, but I completely forgot I was putting weight on her. I attempt to offer my apologies – she laughs. It is a sound that rings beautifully in my ears. It does not stop me from being embarrassed though. It takes a while before I find that right wording.
"Oh, yes – right – of course."
I remove my leg mid-joint from her crotch, and move to the empty space on the mattress, moving myself so that I am on my side – that way I can look at Rose. She turns on her side as well, and moves herself into me. I have never cuddled anyone before. This is…this is nice. I may be turned on to the point that it is almost unbearable, however, I will suffer through it if I can have times like this with her – times where I can hold this precious woman in my arms. My breathing is becoming less ragged. Soon, it matches Rose's breathing pattern. She is lying on my chest…perhaps she can feel my blood pusher beating. I wrap an arm around her so that I can bring her closer. I want her to hear what I have to say.
"Rose Lalonde, I want you to know that I am here anytime you need me. I will always be here for you."
I do not hear a response. She must be falling asleep. I kiss her the top of her head. Now I am left alone to my thoughts for a while. I know I will think about how completely and utterly flushed I am for her. I know what else will be on my mind tonight.
So long as we are together, no matter what doubts we have – no matter what fears may arise…
We will be alright.
