Kanaya Maryam has always been a puzzling creature.
I am not saying that she is a beast of some sort – far from it, really. Technically speaking, she is a creature of the night. Or it might be day for trolls. Perhaps they can walk through both. I have a general overview of how rainbow drinkers work, but she is highly embarrassed of what she has to do to survive – taking blood from others – so she has not told me the specifics. From my understanding, she loves reading about them; however, she does not think she lives up to the books. She occasionally describes situations from her books and they are often depicted like vampires – mysterious, witty, and seductive. These traits are nonexistent to her in regards to herself. Yet, from what I see, she is all three of these traits and much more.
Though she has her bad traits – such as being worried too easily, or being meddlesome in her efforts to help, Kanaya has constantly proven herself as a trustworthy individual, as well as an amusing one. She is observant, kind, and caring too. Her intelligence is far from lacking – she is mastering the arts of sarcasm quite fast, save for a few kinks. Speaking of, there are quite a few things I would like to do to her. I would rather admit that sort of thing to myself than drown in my own teenage hormones. I am a fourteen year old girl, and I have needs just like any other. Her figure does not exactly help those hormones from alerting me to their presence. I might even go as far as to say that they go to my brain and then straight to another area on my body. However, I can control my urges for the most part. I have acquired other peculiar symptoms from being around her, and I know exactly what they boil down to. My heart frequently skips a beat or two in her presence. Other times it will decide to make a home in my throat. My stomach repeatedly decides to allow butterflies into every nook, cranny and crevice of itself. Nevertheless, that is enough of all the euphemisms.
I love her.
All these symptoms started about a year ago. I knew automatically what all these symptoms meant – I would be a horrible fiction writer if I did not notice the signs of romance. Before this, however, I had never felt them myself. For most of the year, I tried to suppress the emotion. Romance is technically not a good idea when one is on the run. Then there is the fact that we are different species. Using these excuses, I stopped myself from making a "move". I have tried to keep my actions and words ambiguous. There were times when something or other almost slipped. I covered it up as sarcasm, most of the time. I kept myself contained by smirking instead of laughing – or at least, trying my best to do so. It is hard when someone as witty as Kanaya makes a perfect retort.
To be honest, I am tired of denying it. I have observed her actions, and I like to think she feels the same. This is added to the fact that I have seen fortune is on my side on certain days – in this fashion, I am like any other teenage girl. That is, I have looked at fortunes to see if I can get the female or male I want to be with me. Today, fortune is on my side. I am done waiting. I have not looked at what I could do specifically to make her say yes – I want this to be her choice. I am already going to be forward enough. Though it is nerve-wracking, all I can do is hope for the best.
We have been in the library doing research for just about two hours now. I have been staring at my book for maybe a half hour or so instead of reading it – maybe skimming a word or two. I am trying to summon up the courage to talk to Kanaya about what I feel. I pick up my head to take a look at her. It seems like she is staring off into space – pardon the pun. I wonder how she is so graceful without even trying, or how she is this beautiful. The answers have always eluded me. It is best to just accept them as fact and move on. She has not noticed me staring yet. Perhaps it is time to make a move. But what could I do? I need more time to think. Let me get her to read some more to buy myself more time.
"Kanaya."
She doesn't turn around with a start like others would have done. She slowly turns and looks at me, batting her eyelashes. Obviously, she did not do it on purpose. However, it does not stop the sudden flair of butterflies in my stomach. I try not to show it, though. I point down to my book, and smirk. She gets the hint and goes back to her book. If I have time to think, though, I might stop myself in my tracks. Make this wait for another day – yet again. No. I have to tell her. I have to get this off my chest. Before Kanaya has the chance to turn the page, I ask if she wants to take a break. I tell her that I will make some coffee. Maybe being somewhat impulsive on the matter will help me. She looks back at the book, then back at me – she nods and speaks for the first time since our research session started.
"If that is what you desire, then coffee it is."
I stand up, closing the book as gently as possible. I put the tome down on the chair softly as well. All these books are very fragile, and the slightest bit of unnecessary roughness can damage them. I brush off some dust that was left on me from aforementioned books with tiny pats – the dust stains the outfit if one just smoothes it over. Kanaya taught me that after I did it the first time. Her fashion sense, decoration skill, and knowledge of fabrics are breath taking in many ways. I have seen some of her designs when she accidentally, or not-so-accidentally, leaves them out. The outfits she has sketched are truly beautiful – much like her. I seem to be getting off track from my main goal with my own thoughts. Oddly enough, I feel like someone is watching me. I look out of my peripheral vision, but I do not see Kanaya staring at me. All she is doing is standing up and stretching. Unless she is looking from the corner of her eye, which is not out of the question. Although, she does look like she is zoning out again. I walk over, silently, and tap her on the shoulder.
"Kanaya?"
She clears her throat, looking down at the ground and the walls – basically everywhere but me. I wonder what she was thinking.
"Sorry, there are many things to think about at the moment."
Alright, it is time to put on the show. I give her a smirk, and turn around so I can walk to the coffee brewer. Before I completely turn around, I give her an "I suppose so". I try to slow my steps so I can give myself time to calm down. It is going to be okay – I think. I am starting to become even more nervous than before. I know that time is not on my side today. I do not have all day to try this. I have only this moment. For lack of better terms, what the hell is wrong with me? I wish this was as easy as it looks in movies. By the time I get to the coffee brewer, I am surprised that I am not having an aneurism or, at the very least, twitching. I almost spill the coffee while I am putting it in the cup – hopefully, Kanaya did not notice. I take make mine as I usually desire it – black. I put two sugar cubes in hers. Sometimes she prefers three; however, she does not ask for it this time, so two it is. We sit down at the new table that is not covered with books. This way we can put down the coffee and not have to worry about spilling it on important pages. Kanaya takes a sip of her coffee – I try to start up a conversation almost right away. Perhaps that is too hasty on my part. I start with an easy topic – the ancient tomes.
"Have you come across anything new in your books?"
"I still have not found anything we have not seen or read before, unfortunately. Have you?"
I have not found anything new in my books. If I say that though, that could make a dead end in the conversation. Wait – she did not necessarily say that I had to find something new in a book. I have been observing Kanaya's actions. Many of them lead to the conclusion that she has the same feelings as me – some of them are new. Yes – that is perfect. She is my book.
"Perhaps I did."
She raises an eyebrow at me. It is a strange quirk of hers that one can tell what she is feeling based on the position of her eyebrows. I may pay attention and observe too many things for my own good, yet, to notice something as subtle as that is usually beyond my comprehension. I have got to pace this conversation out – for my own nerves, and for my plan to work. All I need to do is beat around the bush a little bit. I need to find a way to introduce the topic. After a minute, she speaks up.
"What did you find?"
Patience – all I need to have is patience.
"Something I have known for a while. I kept missing the signs about it."
Kanaya seems to think for a bit – usually I tell her this sort of thing right away. It is very abnormal of me not to divulge information, as it is imperative for both of us to have the knowledge to inform the others. Depending on what she says, I have to think of a response to say quickly. I need to think of what I can do to improvise. Soon, she says something that works perfectly for my "beat around the bush" plan.
"Am I supposed to guess?"
"Why, Miss Maryam, that sounds like a fabulous idea."
Her expression turns to one of confusion. I do not think she got a chance to look at the book I was reading. She would not have any idea what to gue –
"I do not have the slightest idea."
Well, there goes that. How could I make sure this conversation does not end? She could possibly figure out what I am trying to get at – oh, who am I kidding? She is oblivious, albeit one of the most brilliant individuals I know. Maybe I should give her a chance to figure it out, even though she will not get the right answer. I let myself attempt a smirk that does not seem belittling.
"Perhaps you are right, but I am sure you could figure it out."
I wait for a couple moments. Kanaya's eyes widen as if a light bulb went off in her head. Did she figure out what this whole conversation is about? Maybe then there will be a modest amount of explaining to do.
"Is this what you humans call 'beating around the bush'?"
Fuck, she is on to me.
"I suppose you could call it that, though in this case it would be the 'proverbial bush'."
"Rose, if you are going to beat around your proverbial bush, then can you give me a stick to beat your bush with?"
…Pardon?
I raise my eyebrows. My eyes widen as I realize the perversity of what she said. I know it is accidental, but that is just hilarious. I do not even know what to say that. I am trying to think of something, however, my mouth is only opening and closing like a fish out of water. I cannot help but laugh. It is the most robust and loudest laugh I have ever let out on this meteor to date. I really cannot help it. That is the greatest accidental Freudian slip I have ever heard in my entire life. I am practically doubled over – I cannot contain the laughter. When I look up, I can see Kanaya blushing. She might be thinking she did something wrong, so I try to slow my laughter down. It takes a couple minutes – I am tearing up a storm. I have to lift my hand to rub the tears away as I try to catch my breath. It is sad how accurate that statement was, though. It does remind me of a few thoughts I have had before – I am not particularly ashamed of them. I am still a teenager over here. But, I have to talk soon. It is even harder when I am tempted to laugh again.
"That…That was quite the Freudian slip."
I take a deep breath to calm myself down a little more.
"Ironically enough, it is similar to what I was thinking about. Congratulations, Kanaya. Dave would be proud. In a way, it leads to a topic I have wanted to bring up for a long time."
This time I do not have to hide my real smile behind a smirk. I know she has seen glimpses of this particular expression on me, although I have tried to hide it as best as I could. Kanaya is jade all over – everywhere from the neck up. She smiles back at me. Her smile is gorgeous, and I decide I cannot beat around the subject anymore. It is time for action. I stand up, and push my chair in – trying not to make it groan, though it does anyway. I simply ignore it. She seems to feel the vibe – the lighter air, the better atmosphere – and stands up, too.
Audacity – I need audacity right now to do this. I know I have it in me. I know it.
I amble my way over to her. I notice she is staring at my hips – making me become very conscious of them. I have seen other women, like my mother, swing them back and forth. Now that I am paying attention to them, I feel that I am doing that as well. I would rather not do it – it is not the right time to focus on that. I have noticeably grown more than a couple inches. She is not as tall as she was when I first came to the meteor. Unfortunately, I still have to look up to her. I am moving closer and closer to her, until I am only a hair's width away from her body.
"Since you cannot guess what I have recently confirmed, I am forced to tell you."
I can hear her gulp. I am more than sure she has no idea what is going on.
I try not to smirk – it is really hard not to when one has information that the other individual does not. I am having more confidence about my decision to tell her by the second.
"I did not say I found any new information in a book. I have been reading you, instead."
Come on – just a bit more.
"I have been observing the things you have been doing for the past few months. I must say that I am very flattered by all the attention you give me."
Time to initiate the main plan – I have this in the bag.
"However, there is still one thing I have to do to confirm these observations as the truth. In order to do this, I need to ask you a favor."
Kanaya looks down at me, uncertainty in her eyes. Maybe she has not quite grasped what is going on here. Maybe I should stop and explain – no. They only way she will accept it as proof is if I show her. My palms are becoming clammy from nervousness.
"What is it, Rose?"
"Bend down a bit."
"…if that is what you desire."
She bends down, slowly but surely. She is being overly cautious – that means she really does not know what is going on. I grin.
It is time to dive in.
I take my time as I move my lips closer and closer to hers, feeling my eyes grow heavy as I do so. It seems like an eternity before I reach her lips. When I do, Kanaya lets out a rather loud squeak – quite frankly, that is probably the most adorable thing I have ever heard. I wonder if she squeaks for all things that surprise her – at least for anything intimate.
Warmth – warmth is the first thing I feel. Her lips are soft, though chapped to some extent. I have never kissed anyone before. The feeling is exhilarating. The butterflies in my stomach are going haywire – flying everywhere in their makeshift cage. I try to be as careful as possible – trying to see if she will respond back. I do not know if it is only hitting her now what is going on, or if I really was too forward – too presumptuous. No – I do not know either for sure. It is best to keep trying until I am. I put my arms around her waist, and push a little harder with my lips. I would be lying if I said this did not feel amazing. Her fangs are scratching at my lips – it makes my breath hitch, and my grip becomes tighter every time that happens. This feeling does not have a comparison to any feeling I have had in my life. Finally, she puts her arms around my neck and starts kissing back. The kiss feels like it should last forever, but I know it cannot. After a while, I lick at her lower lip, and suck on it – pulling it toward me and then letting go, signaling the end of the kiss. It takes major self-control not to start another one. I loosen my grip around her waist. I do not want to let go – so I do not. I feel her arms lower, pulling me into her as she moves them down to my upper back.
Giddy. The whole situation has left me giddy to the point of possible delirium. I lay my head against her shoulder. My vision is filled with the color of her clothing – bright red. Her heart is beating as fast as mine. Both of our breaths slow down, soon enough. It is to the point that it seems like our breathing becomes one and the same – in and out, in and out, at the same exact time. My face is completely flushed. I look up at Kanaya, and so is hers. Her face threatens to take away my breath again, as she looks completely dazzling right now. I beam up at her.
"So I was correct."
Her face turns to confusion.
"What was it that you were trying to confirm?"
"If you have what you trolls call 'flushed' feelings for me."
Her eyes have a hint of surprise in them, and then they turn into one of the most loving looks I have ever seen from her. My heart catches in my throat. My eyes start to water. I really do not know what to do with myself. I could flail around like one of those teenage school girls in anime – actually, I think I will skip that.
"I believe that is an accurate depiction of what I am feeling towards you."
I smile against her, and nuzzle her in a way that I like to think is barely perceptible. I do not want to seem too clingy.
"I would hope so. I've been waiting to do that for an excruciating amount of time, Kanaya."
Kanaya turns silent – too silent. I take my head off of her shoulder and look up at her. It is starting to make me worried.
"Kanaya?"
Her eyebrows were furrowed. Maybe she is worried about how far this has gone – she has told me about what happened with Vriska. She has never gotten this far in a relationship. I unwind my arms from her waist, and cup her face with one of my hands.
"We'll figure it out."
I stand on the tips of my toes, and kiss her on the lips – a short, quick kiss – I must admit, it is hard to resist making it like the last one. I am incredibly tired. It has been a long day of worrying, nervousness and success. My eyes feel like they are going to close any second now.
"I am going to sleep. It is late. You should come to my room tomorrow. We will discuss what just transpired."
Kanaya trips over her words just a smidgen – adorable, really.
"Yes. Of c-course."
I nod, and take my hand off of her face. I walk toward the transportalizer, thinking about everything that occurred moments ago. I am glad it turned out well. However, this could have ended horribly. I have my fears and doubts about what might happen from now on – I am sure she does too. I suppose I should just go with the flow. I enter the transportalizer, and turn around to see Kanaya once more. Before it completely takes me to a different hallway, I tell her that I will see her in my room. I hear the bzzt and see the rays of light as I am transported to the main lobby. I turn down the hallway that leads to my abode. It is cold in this hallway – on the other hand, it could be due to how heated I still am. Sleep. I need sleep. I do not know how I will, considering I will be in deep thought about what recently happened. One thought stands out in my head before I enter my room.
Perhaps I should remember that Freudian slip for future reference.
