10 things I hate about Tyrion Lannister


Okay, just to get this out of the way... this is inspired (obviously) by the film '10 things I hate about you' which in turn was inspired by Shakespeare's 'The taming of the shrew', so obviously, not an original idea.
If you feel that any of the characters are wildly OOC, please let me know, but also be aware that at this point, I haven't seen very much of the series, and have only read 3/4 of the first book. I'll be happy to try and change things, but also be aware that this is a modern AU- certain attitudes or things that are seen in a certain way in Westeros had to be changed for what I hoped would be an equivalent in modern times.

Anyway, hope you enjoy! A heads-up- this fic switches POV every/almost every chapter, not every chapter is going to be the same length, etc etc.
Please review if you like it, or have any advice concerning characterization or something.
Another heads-up: some characters aren't related in the same way that they are in ASOIAF/GOT! This was just to make it easier for me e.g. Joffrey is not Cersei's son, etc, etc.


"Why are the houses here so small? Is everyone who lives here a hobo?" Joffrey sneered from the front seat of the car.
Tyrion buried his gaze in his eyebrows and sighed, a very practiced motion.
"Obviously. Because having a house is a sure sign of homelessness." he said, loud enough for his cousin to hear him above Jaime's loud rock music.
"You know what I mean. They're all... poor." Joffrey wrinkled his nose as house after house passed by.
"That's what a normal house looks like," Cersei, who was driving, stroked the boy's short blonde hair gently.
"Ours is much bigger, of course, because-"
"Because we're rich." Joffrey finished with a smirk before slapping away Cersei's hand.
"Don't touch me." he snapped.

Tyrion watched Cersei stiffen and her mouth thin as she silently turned to face the road.
"So... a new school... Let's hope it's full of whores." Joffrey said, turning and giving Jaime a nasty grin before glancing at Tyrion.
"That's just the way you like it, isn't it? Didn't Uncle say the only reason a woman would look at you would be if you were paying her by the minute?" he snickered and turned back to face the front.

"Now, Joffrey, remember what else your Uncle said." Cersei chided before Tyrion could retort.
"You aren't allowed to be thinking about girls right now. You should be concentrating on your studies."
"That's not why he said what he said..." Jaime said, but neither Cersei nor Joffrey heard.
Tyrion examined his nails thoughtfully as he pondered the conversation that had taken place over dinner the night before...

/

"I know that we discussed this matter the night Joffrey came to stay with us, but as it is his first day tomorrow, I would like to remind everyone of what was agreed." Tywin had said sternly after clearing his throat until his children and his nephew fell silent.
They were just beginning dessert when Tyrion's father seemed to have decided it was a good time to cause an argument that would inevitably end with Joffrey storming off to his room, Cersei following close behind.
"Ugh but we've talked about this for ages, and it's all bullshit anyway." Joffrey protested, scowling at Tywin, his mouth full and his lips tinged with blueberry pie. "You will listen." Tywin said, and Tyrion had to admire how well his father had mastered the art of making even a simple statement sound like a threat at knife-point.
Joffrey, of course, fell silent. As he always did in the end.

"As we know, Joffrey was brought to us under uncomfortable and rather embarassing circumstances. Because of these circumstances, Joffrey is forbidden from seeing any girls outside of classes, and absolutely never alone. The rest of you are to keep an eye on your cousin."
"Bullshit..." Joffrey muttered, his mouth still full.
"What was that?" Tywin said, his eyes flicking to Joffrey's.
"That stupid slut lied, I didn't do anyth-"
"You will keep your mouth closed." Tywin said forcefully, and once again Joffrey shut up.
"She must be a very convincing liar indeed, if she has persuaded all the teachers, the headmaster, and the board of directors at your old school that you-"
"And you, Tyrion. Silence."
Tyrion smacked his lips and faced his uncle, a sweet smile on his face. Tywin looked away and Tyrion shot a wink at Joffrey, enjoying the way his cousin's lips were white with anger around his stretched, pie-filled cheeks.
Hilarious.

"As I said, Joffrey shall not be dating during his time here. No girlfriends. No whoring. Nothing." he said firmly as he reached for his wine glass.
"However," he said, pouring himself some more.
Joffrey's head whipped around. This was new- Tywin never lessened his punishments, and he certainly never changed his mind.
"I shall allow Joffrey to have a girlfriend..." he paused, looking at them all, and already from the small smirk on his father's face, Tyrion could tell he knew he was about to make at least one of them angry.
And he was enjoying that fact.
Well, as much as he ever enjoyed anything.
"...when Tyrion does."

Immediately, Cersei burst out laughing, Jaime groaned, and there was an unpleasant splat as the half-chewed pie fell from Joffrey's mouth as he sputtered.

"W-What? WHAT? Who the fuck would date that!? The Imp!?" he pointed across the table at Tyrion, who bristled slightly.
Only slightly- he vaguely agreed, but he was offended nonetheless.
"Excuse you. From what I've heard, I'm not the only disappointment in this room when it comes to size..." he trailed off, making a gesture that made it very clear to what he was referring.
"How dare-?" Cersei gasped, slapping the back of Tyrion's head.
"There's no place for vulgarity at my table." Tywin snapped, glaring at Tyrion.
Tyrion was about to retort that, if that were the case, the table ought to be completely empty, but he caught Jaime's eye and decided against it.
Jaime seemed to have a sense for when he was about to cross the line- although it never seemed to work for he himself.

"I like it. It's foolproof- Joffrey can spend time with women when a woman wants to spend time with Tyrion." Tywin said, sipping his wine and laughing loudly.

\\\\\\\\\

"We're here, Joffrey. This is your new school." Cersei's voice snapped Tyrion back to the present.
"It looks like a brothel." Joffrey said as he looked up at the school walls and then scanned the crowd of teenagers standing in front of the doors as Cersei parked.
"Have you ever even seen a brothel?" Tyrion asked as they all got out of the car.
"I'm sure he's just imagining what it must be like inside your nasty little mind." Cersei said with her trademark sweet sneer, clipping him with her backpack as she swung it over her shoulder. Tyrion laughed.
"You sure he's not confused it with your own?" he called after her as she stalked away, one arm linked with Joffrey's, one with Jaime's.
Tyrion didn't miss the middle finger she raised in his direction, and he smiled to himself.
The inside of Cersei's mind probably didn't resemble a brothel at all- brothels were surely heaven, and Cersei's imagination's rightful place was probably the darkest pit in hell.
On the other hand, he thought, frowning as he walked to class, perhaps that was where Joffrey's imagination belonged.
Regardless of whether or not Tyrion liked him (he didn't), there was no denying that his cousin was a vicious little cunt.


Next chapter is Sansa- please let me know if you like it!