Once upon a time there was a lovely damsel who was called Thumbelina, for, even when wearing the highest of high heels in which she could precariously maintain her balance, she did not measure taller than the thumb of most adults. How this came to be, no one could say; it was simply the reality of her existence and Thumbelina did not spend (too much) time dwelling on her diminutive stature. She used her enchanting voice to become a pop music singing sensation; the money from her royalties allowed her to purchase clothing and other items specifically tailored for her, and thus she led a very comfortable life indeed.
Now, a woman that remarkable simply could not go unnoticed by The Wolf. Most people think of The Wolf for his antics with Red Riding Hood in one story and for blowing down houses in another, but he appears in all the knotty versions of classic fairytales. For example, he was responsible for abducting Princess Nina so that she might kiss Prince Marcus and break the enchantment that had turned him into a frog. The spell had been cast by a witch named Cassandra who was a great believer in dealing decisively with men who were persistent with their unwanted romantic overtures. Therefore, The Wolf's presence here really ought not to surprise anyone.
"Hey, baby," he greeted, waving a paw as he glanced down at her in admiration.
"Hi, Wolfy!" she called, braking her 1969 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am convertible to a sudden stop. Or, perhaps we should say, her model of that classic car. It was an exact replica of the original, but a twenty-fourth of the size, burnt orange in color, with a perfectly purring V-8 engine built of nearly microscopic parts. "Give us a kiss, handsome," she invited, hopping out.
The Wolf gently lifted her up into the air and paused, eyeing her appreciatively. She had straight, black hair with remarkably long bangs hovering over her hazelnut-brown eyes. She wore a cunningly designed green dress that appeared as a tree leaf wrapped around her miniscule body, and brown, open-toed sandals with heels over a tenth of an inch high.
The Wolf brought Thumbelina forward and kissed her.
"Hey, what's going on, baby?" he asked in bewilderment, for he was shrinking rapidly. In mere seconds, he found himself standing next to her, only slightly taller than tiny Thumbelina! The gravel from the side of the road now appeared as boulders to him; the weeds towered over his head!
"Don't worry, handsome," she reassured him with an ingenuous laugh at his consternation. "Another kiss from me and you'll be back to your normal size. For now, though, come along and explore the world you never see under your feet!"
"Hey, that sounds great, baby," agreed The Wolf. "I'll drive!" he announced, eagerly slipping into the driver's seat of Thumbelina's car.
He stopped some minutes later by a pond, vast as a sea. Thumbelina produced a picnic basket from the trunk and they ate eagerly under the shade of a leafy dandelion; toadstools served as their chairs and table.
The Wolf folded his arms and stared up at the sky. "Sing us a song, baby."
Thumbelina began at once:
In life, summer is our noon,
But it passes all too soon,
Fading to fall, green turns to brown,
'Fore winter coats all in a white gown.
"Brava! Very well expressed," croaked an unpleasant voice. "We should indeed seize our chances when we are young enough to enjoy them!"
"What are you doing here, Mr. Toad?" demanded Thumbelina angrily. "We're having a private meeting, if you don't mind!"
A wobbly, warty toad hopped into view; his skin was yellow-green; his enormous eyes glittered coldly. "That's King Toad," he corrected her. "Although, you, whose loveliness in both visage and voice has quite captured my heart, I give permission to call by my true name."
"Hey, pal," said The Wolf, stepping between the toad and Thumbelina, "the lady told you she wanted her privacy, so why don't you leave quietly?"
"And if I choose not to?"
"I rather think you will," replied The Wolf.
The toad tried to lock eyes with The Wolf, but uneasily turned away. "You may think you have power, but I'll show you true power," he spat out. "And you, Thumbelina, as you continue to reject my advances, I think the time has come for…"
"Yeah, you were just leaving, right?" The Wolf interrupted.
"Yes, for the moment," agreed the toad, sullenly. He hopped away.
"Since when have the frogs had a king, baby?" asked The Wolf. "Who is he, anyhow?"
"I don't know," said Thumbelina miserably. "He appeared around here one day and organized the frogs and toads into a group with himself as the leader. Well, sort of organized them, anyhow; they aren't the brightest bunch, but he seems rather proud of himself for doing it. He's also keeps bothering me; he wants me to marry him and become his queen."
"Yes, yes, you shall become my queen!" croaked that unpleasant voice once again. "Your throne shall be a lily pad; your castle will be my bog!"
"Ugh!" shivered Thumbelina. "Go away and leave us alone!"
"I will not! Grab the both of them, my frogs!"
"Ribbit, ribbit!" Before either The Wolf or Thumbelina could react, a hundred frogs, so it seemed, surrounded the pair. They pressed around tighter and tighter, and pinned them to the ground. The frogs did not hold their prisoners very effectively; had there merely been a few of them, the prisoners could have escaped easily. The sheer numbers, however, proved quite effective.
"Let us go!" screamed Thumbelina angrily.
"I will never let you go again," the toad informed her. "We shall spend the rest of our lives together in perfect bliss. And as for you," he added turning to The Wolf, "I will deal with your insolence, but first, there is something I want you to watch…."
…..
"Grrr," growled The Wolf. It was all he could say, with his mouth taped shut.
"Be quiet!" King Toad ordered him angrily. They stood in a church built within the lower half of a hollow log. Numerous small frogs occupied the pews, croaking in cacophony. "Where's Reverend Mole?"
"I'm right here," announced an elderly mole, shuffling to the altar. He peered uncertainly through eyeglasses with lenses so thick their weight bowed his head forward. "Where's the bride?"
"Yes, where is my betrothed?" demanded King Toad irritably. "The matrons should have finished preparing her by now. Where is she?"
"Ribbit, ribbit!" A highly disorganized knot of female frogs entered the church, carrying Thumbelina between them. She was dressed all in white, in a wedding dress, stockings, gloves, shoes, and veil. White yarn (thick as rope, to her) bound her; a white cloth gag silenced her. A bouquet of water-meal, flowers so small that they normally appear to the human eye to be the size of candy sprinkles, was tied to her wrist.
She struggled feverishly, but the matrons brought her forward and deposited her unceremoniously near King Toad.
"This is Thumbelina, the woman I shall marry," introduced King Toad proudly. "This fellow," he indicated The Wolf, who snarled, but could do nothing more, being tied in a standing position, "is the Best Wolf. And you," he randomly grabbed one of Thumbelina's frog escorts and dragged her forward, "whoever you are, this is the Matron of Honor! All you have to do is stand there and keep quiet!" he added in a whisper to her.
"Ribbit," she agreed vaguely.
"Mpfff!" screamed Thumbelina in frustration, shuffling her feet to change her position.
"And where do you think you're going?" demanded King Toad, moving her away from The Wolf. "No, you two aren't going to work together to get free! Reverend, if you would be so kind to begin the ceremony that will bind us together for life… for here, in the Tiny World, there is neither annulment nor divorce…."
"That is quite correct," agreed Reverend Mole severely. He opened an enormous prayer book, polished his glasses and spoke in a squeaky voice. "On this sorrowful occasion, we are gathered to mourn the passing of our dearly departed, er…"
"This is a wedding, not a funeral!" King Toad hissed.
"I thought something seemed wrong," mumbled Reverend Mole, hastily flipping the pages before him. "Ah, here we go! On this joyous occasion, we are gathered to celebrate the union of…" He sighed and peered anxiously at Thumbelina, who looked pleadingly back. "Why is the bride tied up?"
"It's okay," said King Toad. "It's a tradition we have."
"I've never heard of it," stated Reverend Mole.
"It's a tradition we're just starting," explained King Toad. "Please, get on with the ceremony, will you?"
"Indeed I will not!" exclaimed Reverend Mole. "I've honored some pretty strange requests from couples over the years, but never where the bride was bound and gagged, and I'm not about to start doing so now!"
Thumbelina sagged in relief.
"Perhaps we can come to an understanding, Reverend?" suggested King Toad cautiously. "Would the generous donation of a greenback," he produced a snippet of a dollar bill from his wallet, "toward your building restoration fund change your mind? You could see about putting a roof on here, perhaps, for when it rains."
"Dear me no, sir, this won't do at all!" said Reverend Mole angrily. "The arrogance of it all, thinking I would sacrifice my principles for an offer like that! I'm positively insulted! Why, that amount of money won't even pay for a bucket of nails!"
"Oh, yes, I meant, a couple thousand greenbacks!" King Toad extracted twenty snippets of one-hundred dollar bills and passed them over, wincing in pain as they disappeared into Reverend Mole's vest pocket.
"Well! Now that that's all settled, let us continue!" exclaimed the mole.
Thumbelina bowed her head in sad resignation, and The Wolf bared some of his teeth.
"The joys of the wedded state are manifold; there being seven particular ones I will now elucidate upon," stated Reverend Mole. "This is my standard wedding sermon," he explained to King Toad, "since I didn't have time to prepare one especially for you. Ahem! The first joy…"
"Delightful as your recital of those seven joys doubtless is, could you perhaps omit that part?" interrupted King Toad anxiously. From the way Thumbelina was struggling, he felt her bonds could not continue to restrain her much longer. "We were hoping for a rather short ceremony, you see."
"Oh, very well," sighed Reverend Mole. "Honestly, everyone is in such a hurry these days. Let me find my place… ah, here we are! Do you, King Toad, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
"I do!"
"Do you, er…"
"Thumbelina," King Toad supplied.
"Right, Thumbelina." Reverend Mole polished his glasses and glanced down at his book. "Do you, Thumbelina, take this toad to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"Mpfff!" Thumbelina shook her head no, she shook her whole body no!
"The wedding cannot continue unless the bride says 'I do,'" stated Reverend Toad. "Matron, remove her gag!"
"Ribbit," she agreed amiably.
"NO!" screamed King Toad, hopping over and lowering her webbed hand, which had just been about to untie the knot in the cloth. "Look, my good Reverend, can't we dispense with that bit?"
"No, we cannot!"
"Oh, very well." King Toad opened his wallet once again, and, with a faint sob, emptied its contents into the mole's outstretched palm, who then spoke briskly.
"If anyone present knows any reason why these two may not be joined in matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace!"
King Toad looked around the church anxiously. He knew he was doing something very wrong, and in stories of this sort, at this pause someone inevitably burst through the church doors and stopped the ceremony.
The doors stayed firmly closed, however. The frogs croaked amongst themselves, the matron of honor flicked out her long tongue to snare a careless fly, the best wolf bared more teeth than ever, but no one raised an objection.
"Are we married yet?" demanded King Toad, looking impatiently at Reverend Mole, who was standing silently.
"Eh? No, not quite yet. There's a bit more to come."
"Then get on with it!"
"Quite." Reverend Mole polished his glasses once again and sneezed. "I wonder if I'm coming down with something?" he mused quietly. "Dear me, a cold at my age, for one in my rather delicate health can be…"
"The sooner you finish the ceremony, the sooner you can prepare yourself a hot toddy," hinted King Toad. He leaned forward to Thumbelina, who shrank back in horror. Once he gave her the wedding kiss, it would be over. She would be married to him!
"I now pronounce you husband and wife!" intoned Reverend Mole solemnly.
"We're finally married!" shouted King Toad eagerly. "Ah, my lovely Thumbelina…"
"No, you are not quite yet married!" said Reverend Mole, frowning. "I wasn't supposed to say that yet. The print in this book is so small, so it's easy for me to lose my place. First comes the official kiss." He cleared his throat. "You may now kiss the bride!"
"An excellent suggestion!" announced The Wolf.
"How did you get your gag off‽" demanded King Toad. "Of course, you've been working it loose the whole time. Well, it doesn't matter, because you can't stop things now!"
"You're wrong about that," The Wolf told him. With three brisk hops, he reached Thumbelina's side. He leaned forward and kissed her lips and the cloth between them. As the kiss continued, The Wolf grew in size, the ropes binding him snapping away. He picked up Thumbelina, holding her tightly as he continued to grow. Reverend Mole scurried away; the frogs fled in all directions; King Toad flopped himself under an overhanging rock and looked up in despair at Thumbelina, thinking forlornly about what had very nearly happened.
…..
"Thank you for saving me from that horrible King Toad, Wolfy." Thumbelina kissed The Wolf on his furry cheek, so that he would not shrink again. "But we need to do something about him so he'll never bother me again!"
"Relax, baby, I've got an idea," said The Wolf, reaching for his cell phone.
An idle hour passed and then another. Suddenly, a shrill voice shattered the quiet of the glade. "Wolfy, are you around here? Oh, there you are!"
Princess Nina walked forward majestically, despite being dressed in a t-shirt and comfortable slacks. "You said something about Marcus when you called; where is he?" she asked.
"Down there, baby," explained The Wolf, pointing the King Toad.
"King Toad was Prince Marcus?" asked Thumbelina. "Cassandra must've changed him again. He just won't leave her alone, will he?"
"Marcus, there you are, you naughty boy," scolded Nina. "Come here! I'm very angry with you!"
"Nina! I'm so glad to see you again!" exclaimed King Toad, or Prince Marcus, as he truly was. He hopped forward bravely, feeling Nina would protect him from The Wolf.
"But why did you think Nina would come for him?" asked Thumbelina. "I thought those two broke up!"
"They got back together again," explained The Wolf.
"Nina, please give me a kiss so I can turn human again!" pleaded Marcus.
"I don't know," said Nina. "I'm not sure you've really learned your lesson yet, bothering a witch like that, and for the second time, too! What were you thinking?"
"He bothered me, too!" called out Thumbelina loudly. "He tried to force me to marry him!"
"That's it! You're spending some time in here," decided Nina, opening her purse. She pulled out a small plastic sandwich container, with a few air holes in the side. "Now I know why Wolfy said I needed this!" She dropped the wriggling toad inside, and snapped the lid closed with finality.
"Ready for more adventures, handsome?" Thumbelina asked. Without waiting for an answer, she kissed The Wolf. He shrank back to her size, and, as he raced her away in her Thunderbird, Thumbelina tossed her bouquet over her shoulder.
