A/N: Inspired by the online Hetalia comics. I don't own Hetalia.
WARNINGS: Shonen-ai / slash and Lovino's mouth
Germany and the Italian Tangle
Germany sat at his desk with neat stacks of papers in front of him. He'd been sitting in the same spot for hours. His hand had a cramp from all the paperwork he'd trudged through during the day. Still, he worked on. After perhaps another hour or so, and with a feeling of great accomplishment, he set down his pen and took off his reading glasses. He leaned back in his chair and let out a small, satisfied smile. Done. Finally! He tilted his head to one side to ease the tension in his neck and stretched his arms to relieve his back. Hours and hours of signing and reading and his eyes were sore and he just wanted to go to bed. A glance at the clock on the wall made him feel all the more tired. The night was late and the house was silent.
Funny, that.
His house was rarely quiet since he'd met Italy.
A cold nose nudged at his hand and Germany smiled down at his dog. The other two were sleeping soundly in their corner of his office. Aster, however, seemed as wide awake as ever and looked up at Germany, questioningly.
"Soon. It's done, but it has to be filed." And that - Germany stifled a groan as he looked at all the papers on his desk - would take another couple of hours. He yawned and rubbed his eyes. With luck, he could likely get to sleep before midnight. Maybe. "Won't take too long, I think." He gave Aster another pat on the head. "Go to bed." He pointed to the corner where the other two dogs were sleeping and snapped his fingers. "Go lay down."
Aster's tongue lolled out of her mouth and she panted happily as she ignored him.
The telephone rang and Germany wanted to cry. He was so tired. The last thing he wanted was another assignment from his BOSS. Still, he was good and obedient and he answered the telephone. "Hello?"
There was yelling and crying and some swearing before Germany heard a click and then nothing but the dial tone.
Horrified, Germany took the telephone receiver away from his ear and stared at it. His stomach turned. That had definitely been Italy's voices. Feliciano had been crying and Lovino had been swearing. Slowly, he replaced the telephone receiver and looked down at Aster. "That can't be good."
Then, as if something inside of him burst, Germany flew out of his chair so suddenly that he startled Aster enough to make her yelp. He raced through his house, grabbing his coat and making sure his pistol was loaded. Knowing Feliciano, it was entirely possible that he'd forgotten how to tie his shoes or how to button his shirt and was panicking over nothing. Still… something of Lovino's had obviously gotten stuck. Maybe Lovino had gotten a zipper stuck. That had happened to Feliciano, once. The zipper on his trousers had gotten stuck and he'd asked Germany to help. Of course he had – Germany took his promise to always help Italy very serious. He'd told Feliciano to hold still and got on his knees in front of his ally. Feliciano had done well and kept very still – though he had made some odd noises – while Germany had tugged at the zipper.
He never did find out why Feliciano had been blushing so darkly after Germany had gotten up off his knees.
So, maybe that was all it was. Maybe Lovino had a stuck zipper and Feliciano wanted help for him. It would be just like Feliciano to make such a fuss about such a little thing. That didn't really explain all the cries of pain, but Lovino hadn't seemed happy to have Feliciano calling Germany and he did have a rather prickly temperament. With luck, it would be nothing.
Then again, how often was luck on Germany's side? In fact, it could be an awful disaster. An invasion! The thought surged to the front of Germany's mind. He grabbed a box of ammo and shoved it in his coat pocket. There were just too many other nations who looked at Italy and saw nothing but the rich land and grand history. They all wanted a part of the brothers. But, Germany thought furiously, no one was going to invade Italy while he was around!
Germany quite loved Italy. He'd visited once or twice and he found the climate and atmosphere wonderful. The food was first-rate and the sun always seemed to be shining. However, with his heart racing as he went, he saw none of it that night. As time rolled on, he kept thinking of what horrible thing might be happening to Italy and soon, his hope that it was nothing more than a stuck zipper was forgotten. He was certain there was a fire or an attack or something even worse that he couldn't even begin to imagine.
So, when he arrived at Italy's home, Germany pounded hard on the front door. "Italy!" The door swung open, easily. After taking a step inside, Germany bellowed, "Where are you?"
"Upstairs!" Feliciano's wail came down the stairway.
Up, he charged. Germany took the stairs two at a time, almost running up them. He threw open the door of Italy's bedroom… and froze. He stood in the bedroom doorway and felt all the anxious energy drain out of him. Suddenly, he had a throbbing headache.
"Hair?'
They sat side-by-side in bed, both naked from the waist up, tears rolling down their faces. The only thing out of place was their hair. They both had a single curling lock of hair and, somehow, they'd managed to knot those hairs together. Feliciano sniffled and used one hand to wipe at his face while his other hand clutched at the tangled hair.
Germany put a hand to his head and closed his eyes. "What were you two doing that you managed to get your hair tangled up like that?"
Lovino snapped, "None of your business, you damned - "
"Potato eater. Ja. I've heard it before." Germany sighed and shook his head. "Of all the things to make me rush so far… Feliciano, you will be the end of me."
It was, of course, the wrong thing to say as Feliciano instantly burst into tears and wailed, "I don't want to be the end of Germany! That sounds really bad and I don't even know what it means! It's not fair, I only want nice things for my friend and someone told him I'll be the end of him and that doesn't sound nice at all!" All the while, he shook his head to and fro, dragging Lovino's head with him.
"Stop it! Damn you, stop it! Hurts! That hurts, you little bug!" Lovino reached up both hands to their tangled hair as if he could keep it still, but only managed to poke Feliciano in the eye which, naturally, made Feliciano cry harder and yell that his big brother was attacking him but, "Don't attack him back, Germany! He's big brother and I don't want big brother hurt!"
"I'm not going to hurt him and you need to calm down. Feliciano!" Germany barked the last and, as he expected, Feliciano went still. "You are hurting your brother. Stop moving and I'll help. Didn't I promise to always help you?" He went to stand by the side of the bed and contemplated the most efficient method of freeing the two. Lovino was likely to explode any moment, judging by the look on his wide-eyed face, and Feliciano was sniffing pitifully. There wasn't much choice. Germany reached behind them and pulled the pillows off the bed.
"Hey! Hey!" Lovino said. "What're you doing?"
"Making room. Stop moving." It would have been rude to get his shoes on their bed, so he kicked them off before he slid onto the bed behind Feliciano and Lovino. "Stop flailing about, Lovino," he scolded. Germany sat with his back against the headboard of the bed and his legs positioned so that Feliciano and Lovino sat between them. "You're going to hurt yourself like that."
"It's you I'm going to hurt! What are you doing? Inviting yourself into our bed? You're just like Spain!"
Feliciano started to lean back, as if he would cuddle against Germany's chest. "Ve! Germany's not like Spain at all. They're very different. I don't think Germany would ever take a nap in the middle of the day. Ow!" He sat up straight when Lovino punched him in the arm. "Sorry! Sorry!"
"Don't hit your brother!"
Lovino snapped, "I don't wanna be leaning on you and I'll have to if he does and little brother never listens when people talk to him!" He hit his own legs with his fists. "Gotta be one of us what has a brain!"
Germany rolled his eyes and took hold of both of their shoulders - Felicano's right and Lovino's left - and waited until they'd both settled. Unsurprisingly, Feliciano calmed faster as he was used to Germany taking control and trusted him. Lovino, even though he went still as a rock at Germany's touch, was so tense that he was nearly vibrating and Germany feared he would bolt at any moment. He didn't want to imagine what would happen if those sensitive hairs got torn out in a fit of Lovino's temper. Germany wasn't good at calming people – Feliciano was an exception to most every rule – and he thought for a moment about what to do for Lovino. He'd never seen a book at any bookstore or library entitled, 'How to Calm Jittery Italians' and he thought that the stern commands that seemed to worked for Feliciano might send Lovino into a rage. He just didn't know Lovino well enough to tell. So, not knowing what else to do, he just started talking and hoped for the best.
"I went visiting your home some weeks ago, you know."
"Yeah? Wait. What? Who said you could visit and where were you? I didn't see you!"
"I did, big brother." Feliciano had no fear, even when it came to tempting his brother's wrath, and smiled happily at Lovino. "Germany works too hard and too much. He wouldn't stop if someone didn't make him, so I said he should come visit our house and he really liked it. He said someone just gave him fruit, too. Wasn't that nice?"
"Fruit? A few weeks ago?" Lovino went abruptly very still. "Yeah,' Lovino said, faintly. "Real nice. Maybe the poor, innocent vendor was just scared of you."
Germany thought about it. "No. He was just being nice. Everyone was very pleasant and there was lots of singing. I think I'll go back sometime. Feliciano tells me that you have nice museums."
"Nice? They're magnificent! Splendid! France thinks his are the best, but our museums put his to shame!"
Germany chuckled. "Then I'll definitely have to see them."
"Too right you will! You shouldn't have put it off so long… either. Hey!" Lovino seemed to have realized he'd somehow invited Germany to visit his house. He huffed. "Even fools like you should visit places of great culture. Maybe it'll make you smarter."
"Maybe. Now, are you going to tell me how this happened?"
"Big brother got mad when I said I slept with you and Japan," Feliciano chirped happily.
Germany patted Lovino's shoulder in what he hoped was a reassuring manner when he felt Lovino tense. "Why did you get mad? Feliciano gets lonely at night, I think." He blinked as a thought occurred to him. "Or maybe… do you get lonely at night, too? Maybe you want to sleep with someone but they won't let you?" When the back of Lovino's neck flushed dark red Germany, who believed he'd hit the nail on the head, readied himself for another tantrum. "It's nothing to be upset about. I'm surprised Spain hasn't offered. Maybe he doesn't know. I'll speak to him for you. I'm sure he'll be happy to sleep with you."
"No!" Lovino burst out. "No. You don't have to. Really!"
"Are you sure? I don't want you to be lonely."
"I'm sure. Really, really sure."
"Well, let me know if you change your mind." Then, as he suspected that Lovino was as relaxed as he was likely to get, Germany started to work on the tangled hair. He nearly crossed his eyes as he worked, meticulously picking at the impossibly tangled strands. He silently cursed himself for not having the forethought to bring his reading glasses with him; if he had his eyes wouldn't be so sore and itchy from the strain. His focus on his work was so intense that he didn't notice Spain standing in the bedroom doorway until Lovino started to tremble badly enough that it was disrupting Germany's work.
"What are you doing here?" Lovino growled.
Spain's mouth was hanging open and he started with wide eyes.
Germany frowned. "You look like you just got hit in the face with a brick." Puzzled at what could cause such a reaction, he looked down at himself and the Italy brothers. The two brothers were leaning against each other, holding onto each other's hands, and had both flushed a dark pink. Their eyes were closed and they panted heavily. It was just the usual reaction to having those particular hairs pulled and no reason at all for Spain to look so stunned. Surely, he'd known Lovino long enough to know how sensitive those hairs were. And then it struck him! He was so used to Feliciano running about half undressed, that it had hardly seemed odd at all when he'd found them both bare in bed. If Spain hadn't let Lovino sleep with him then he probably hadn't seen Lovino without his clothes. Japan had been a bit surprised when he'd first seen Feliciano naked, too.
Fortunately, Japan didn't have a penchant for drooling as Spain seemed to have. Hoping to help, Germany reached down and took hold of the blanket that covered Feliciano and Lovino's laps and legs. He pulled it up until it covered them right up to their necks and tucked in the edges around their shoulders.
As soon as they were well covered, Spain blinked and seemed to recover himself. "Oh. My, my." Spain made a sort of choking noise and flushed as darkly as Feliciano and Lovino. "I… ah. I didn't expect to see you here, Germany." He looked from Germany's stocking feet to his legs that lay on either side of the Italy brothers, up to his bare arms, and then his face. For some reason, he turned even a darker red and started to smile. "And so informal a visit, too."
With a roll of his eyes, Germany looked back at the tangle of hair. "This is hardly a social visit. And what are you doing just standing about? If you were in the house, then why didn't you help them? With their hair like this, they can't even walk without hurting themselves!"
Spain's eyes widened dramatically. A smile grew on Spain's face. It grew a little too eagerly and quickly became a leer. "Oh! I'd be happy to help!"
Lovino gave a little shudder and gasp when Germany gave his hair a gentle tug and he groaned, "You don't touch my hair."
"Don't be like that, Romano. It'll be fine. Everything's good. Make room!" He started to get on the bed, and, as he did, lay one hand on Lovino's knee.
"Get the Hell out!" Lovino flung one leg out and caught Spain in the side. "Never wanted you here! Didn't call you, did I? We called Germany and he's helping us! Get out!" He was incensed, worse than Germany had ever seen him. Even though the kick he'd given Spain had sent Spain to the floor, gasping for breath and holding his side, he kept right on yelling and waving a fist around. "Get out! Get the Hell out of our house!"
The explosion came so quickly and was so violent, what with Lovino's thrashing and screaming and Feliciano's crying and trying not to get accidently hit or kicked, that it took Germany a minute to wrap his arms around the brothers and hold them securely. He held them tightly, almost squashing them together, as he feared that they might end up hurting each other, again, if they didn't calm down. He gruffly said to Lovino, "That's enough, now. No need for all this fuss. You're safe. No one's going to hurt you."
"I'm not scared!"
"Of course not. Hush, now." Germany waited a moment, until he was certain Lovino wouldn't start his tantrum, again. "I'll be right back." Germany let got of the brothers and slid off the bed. He shot them a stern glare. "Don't move. Don't hurt each other. Try not to breathe - that might keep you out of trouble. Got it?"
Feliciano saluted. "Yes, sir!"
Lovino snorted and sulkily said, "Whatever."
Spain, still clearly in pain, gave a grimacing sort of smile to Lovino as he stood. "Your angry face is so cute, Romano. You really should have called me, though. You know I'd do anything to… eh? Germany?" He broke off as Germany came to stand in front of him, effectively blocking Spain's view of the brothers with his large frame.
"Get out."
"Now, really," Spain kept smiling and started to laugh. He ran a hand through his curly brown hair. "You don't know Romano. He always acts like this. He's just a spoiled brat. I know it's mostly my fault, but he's so adorable, I can't help but give into him."
"Then you'll be happy to give in, again, won't you?" Germany took Spain by the upper arm and forced him out of the room. Not only out of the room, but down the hall and right downstairs to the front door. He paused only long enough to open the door. "Lovino has made it very clear that he doesn't want you here."
"Ah! But I came all this way just to see him!"
Germany's eyes narrowed. "You weren't staying here?" He had thought that Spain had been sleeping in another part of the house.
"Romano's funny about letting people stay with him. I just came over to visit."
He said it so happily that Germany wondered at his impertinence. He'd just sauntered into Italy's house without asking? In the middle of the night? That was just plain rude. "You may come back in the morning… if you are invited."
"But I come over all the time!"
"And you are obviously not welcomed. Good bye."
"No! You don't understand!"
"Quite likely." He gave Spain an effortless shove, propelling him out the door, and waited until Spain had caught himself and turned back to face Germany in utter astonishment. Germany straightened his back and crossed his arms. "I am Italy's ally. Should you attempt to bother him, I will be here." Then he slammed the door. He would have locked it, but there was no lock on the door. Germany sighed and muttered that he would have to teach them to defend themselves, even if they never learned how to attack. He wedged the back of a tall chair under the doorknob and hoped it would be secure enough to keep Spain out.
He was about to return to the Italy's bedroom when it struck him that if the front door had no lock, then the rest of the house was unlikely to be secured. He took his time going around the house to each window and door. He used all of the kitchen chairs to blockade the doors. The windows were easier as all he had to do was latch the shutters closed. When it was all done, he rechecked the house and, just to satisfy his nagging worry, checked once again.
Back in their bedroom, Feliciano smiled sweetly at Germany while Lovino pouted at his lap. Their red faces had turned a more normal color and, when Germany got back into his place sitting behind them on the bed, Lovino didn't shout. They sat there for a few peaceful minutes and Germany started to hope that they'd be done before sunrise so that he could get a little sleep, when he happened to glance to the left, at the bedroom's only window. It happened to be the only window in the house that he hadn't shuttered. It also happened to be the window that Spain pressed his face against as he stared in at them. He watched them with the strangest expression. It almost looked as if he was hungry.
Once again, Germany was forced to abandon his work. He reached to his right side where his pistol was holstered and drew his weapon. He put his other arm across Feliciano and Lovino's chests and pulled them tight against his own chest. Lovino barely had time to squawk before Germany pull his pistol up and aimed across the brother's and at Spain's face.
"Don't shot him," Lovino muttered. "Please." It was the softest Germany had ever heard him speak.
"I won't."
But it had the desired effect. Spain looked shocked and hurried away.
After a minute, just in case Spain was foolish enough to return, Germany put his pistol away. He started on the knotted hair before he broached an important, if uncomfortable, subject. "Lovino - "
Feliciano nudged Lovino's arm. "Better listen, big brother. That's Germany's 'serious' voice."
"I don't care if he's using a squeaky clown voice!"
"Hush." Germany lightly thumped his hand down on Lovino's shoulder. "Now listen." He paused, trying to force his words into some semblance of sensitivity and wished, again, that Japan were sitting with them to advise him. Japan always knew the best way to say everything. "Spain seems to make you… jumpy."
Lovino went still. He started rubbing his hands awkwardly together and muttered, "He's just a jerk."
"I see. Has… has Spain attempted to invade your vital regions?"
Feliciano gasped and, of course, swung his head to look at his brother. That brought another round of cursing from Lovino and tears from both of them.
Germany took both of their shoulders and forced them to sit. He didn't start working on the tangled hair until the brothers were reasonably still. "Feliciano, if you don't keep still, I think I'll have to resort to discipline."
"What?" Feliciano audibly gulped. His shoulders straightened and he almost seemed to stop breathing with his effort to do as he was told.
"What?" Lovino parroted in a far more irate tone than Feliciano could ever muster. "What's that? You gonna hurt little brother?"
"Will you hush? I'm not going to hurt anyone. Just sit still."
Lovino peered suspiciously over his shoulder at Germany as best as he could without tugging on their hair. "You said discipline and you scared little brother."
"Your brother often needs a firm hand to keep him behaving well. I think you may need the same."
Feliciano whispered to his brother. "It's okay. Germany doesn't scare me and he never really hurts me. He makes me run if I don't do what I'm supposed to do. I just don't wanna run, but it doesn't hurt. It's like when we were little and Grandpa Rome gave me a smack for climbing too high in a tree. I didn't want the smack, but he only did it because he'd already told me not to climb and he was worried I'd fall. Remember?"
"… No."
Feliciano blinked, then seemed to realize something that made his cheerful face fall into a gloomy expression. "Sorry, big brother."
"Forget it."
There was an awkward silence that seemed to mean something more than olive trees, but when Lovino stared determinedly down at his lap and Feliciano looked sad, but didn't burst into tears, Germany didn't ask any questions. Feliciano tucked his arm around Lovino's and, surprisingly, Lovino didn't pull away. It was something important, Germany was certain, but he just wasn't sure exactly what had dampened their spirits.
Trying to untangle their hair was rather like trying to untangle a spider's web. He knew how much those hairs affected the brothers, even if he didn't know exactly why, so he tried his best to be gentle, but Germany was the first to admit that his big fingers were better suited for holding a weapon than for anything even vaguely resembling gentility. Japan would have known what to say to keep Lovino calm and how to make Feliciano stay still. Japan's delicate hands would have been must more suitable for such intricate work.
"Well? Lovino?"
"No. He didn't try anything. I just live with him. That's all. He's really touchy. He likes to hug and kiss, but he hasn't hurt me."
Germany wished he could see Lovino's face, then. The two brothers were so expressive that it was nearly impossible for them to lie. "Very well. If he does attempt, call me. I'll stop him."
Lovino started to turn, then stopped himself. "Why?"
"Because we are allied."
"You're allied with my brother."
"You are Italy, too, aren't you? I am allied with Italy – all of Italy."
"… oh."
"So you will call me if you need help, ja?"
"Yeah. I guess."
Soon after, the hairs finally worked loose and Germany smiled proudly at what he'd done. "There," he said. "See what you can do with a little perseverance?" When neither of the Italy's answered him, Germany looked at them over their shoulders. Both were fast asleep. He hadn't even noticed. He almost wanted to laugh. So much trouble over nothing but hair. He let his arms drape over their shoulders for a moment, before he shook himself. It certainly wasn't a time to be wool-gathering. He looked from Feliciano's familiar face to Lovino's. He was quite the one – foul tempered, violent, and just as vulnerable as Feliciano. Just as scared of the least little thing. And then there was his association with Spain.
Spain and Lovino had been associates for quite a long while. However, Lovino didn't seem at all happy to have Spain around and unless Germany was mistaken, the minute he left, Spain would return. Feliciano knew enough to call Germany if there were trouble, but Lovino was stubborn and would probably just suffer though whatever game it was that Spain was playing. Why, Italy didn't even keep their doors locked at night; they evidently couldn't take care of themselves.
Germany slid out from behind the two smaller men and stood, looking down at them. So peaceful, when asleep. He picked the pillows up from where he'd tossed them on the floor and went to stand by Feliciano's side. As gently as he could, Germany slipped a hand behind Feliciano's head and tenderly lifted it just enough to slide the pillow back where it belonged. Then, he walked around the bed and did the same for Lovino. With that done, Germany spent some time rearranging the two until they looked comfortable, then pulled their blanket back up to their chins. As a final touch, he tucked them in before he made himself comfortable in a chair by the door.
Much better, he congratulated himself. Those hairs that had been tangled looked a bit rumpled, but he'd managed to get everything ordered and as it should be. He knew there would be more drama almost as soon as the two brothers woke; there would be more yelling and more crying, but, for the moment, all was quiet and he was exhausted.
Within minutes, Germany, too, was sound asleep.
