1st Attempt - Dinner and a Movie
Jack wanted to laugh at himself. He'd been so nervous when he'd asked Ianto out on a date. His anxiety had only heightened after the young man had agreed. Since then he had been working himself up to a nervous breakdown sweating over the details. Jack had booked and cancelled over a half dozen reservations in his search for the perfect restaurant. Choosing a movie had been equally nerve wracking. So many options. A romantic comedy might be too forward at this point. Slasher horror? Absolutely not the sort of mood he was trying to set. Science Fiction? Too close to reality for their kind of work. He'd ended up choosing a comedic action flick that had gotten reasonably good reviews.
But it seemed that there had been no need for all the nervous fretting. Ianto, sitting across from him, sipped from his glass of red wine with that rare lift of lips which stated, so much clearer than words, that the evening so far was everything Ianto had wanted. And Jack, finally, found himself relaxing, confident the evening would go smoothly.
The waiter had just finished removing their starter plate when Jack noticed Ianto staring at the front of the restaurant with a puzzled expression. "What is Gwen doing here?"
Jack's head spun around just as the former cop barged into the crowded establishment. No! Nononono. This cannot be happening. Jack's hopes for a perfect, and uneventful, evening were nearly crushed as he spied the rift energy scanner in Gwen's hand.
"Oh!" Gwen skidded to a stop as she reached their table. "Hi ya! So this is where you decided for dinner. Good choice. I hear the pasta is handmade." She unsuccessfully tried to hide the scanner behind her back. "So, um, I'm going to, uh, go over there," she pointed towards the kitchen doors, "and, erm, talk with the chef about catering my wedding."
She hadn't taken two steps when Jack's irritated voice stopped her. "Gwen!"
"It's nothing, really. Just a bit of flotsam came through the rift. Tosh is certain it's harmless. Well, mostly harmless. You two go back to your dinner and I'll just find whatever it is and be on my way."
"Are you sure?"
She nodded emphatically. "Absolutely. Don't let this ruin your date."
Jack hesitated until he saw Ianto nod emphatically in agreement with Gwen. "Okay. Just be discreet."
"If I may," Ianto interjected. "I believe the object you're looking for is over there." He gave a circumspect nod towards the bar. Nestled in amongst the many wine bottles was an ordinary looking fist-sized rock. Well, ordinary looking if Earth rocks were sickly split pea soup colored with nauseous neon pink lines pulsating along its surface.
Gwen gave them a gap-toothed grin. "I'll just grab it and get back to the Hub. Enjoy your date." She walked off just as the waiter placed their entrees, a wood grilled steak for Ianto and pasta primavera for Jack, in front of them.
The two men stayed tense until Gwen snatched the alien rock-like object and shoved it into her jacket pocket. In tandem they both released sighs of relief and then chuckled.
"Potential disaster averted," Ianto said as he picked up his knife and fork, preparing to cut into the succulent steak.
Jack speared some broccoli, and nearly dropped the fork as a gruff German accented voice sounded. Ow! Ow! Owwww!"
Ianto's astonished gaze flew from the broccoli spear to his steak as it, in a distinctly Jamaican voice, started to apologize profusely. "I would suggest you send me back to the kitchen. You wanted me medium-well but I fear I am merely rare. You won't enjoy consuming me."
At the table next to them, a woman's tiramisu began to chide her. "Take my advice, Lady, and skip dessert. You're starting to pack on the pounds. Perhaps you should start eating more salads."
Jack's broccoli gave a guttural "Humph!" before loudly exclaiming, "We all know how the vegetables feel about that!"
Chaos, naturally, erupted as patrons and wait staff started screaming as all the entrees, starters, and desserts began to chatter.
"Gwen!" Jack's bellow could barely be heard over the ear shattering volume. "Tell Tosh and Owen to get over here and tell Owen to bring a bucket load of Retcon. We're going to need it."
Ianto's only response to the pandemonium was to down his glass of wine with one large gulp. As he stood, he paused for a moment, reached down and grabbed the three-quarters full bottle, glugging down a good portion before he headed off to deal with crowd control.
Five hours later, Jack was stacking the last of the vegetable crates in the kitchen's cooler. How the hell am I going to justify the expense of restocking an entire restaurant? Especially when those bastards charged us quadruple for the late night delivery. Jack shrugged. I'll leave that to Ianto to sort out.
He weaved his way through the restaurant, careful to not disturb any of the Retcon-induced sleeping patrons and staff. "So Tosh, you're absolutely certain that none of the food is sentient?"
"Absolutely. Best guess, the alien device is some sort of gag gift. It just gives the illusion that food can talk."
Jack scowled. "Yeah, it turned out to be a real funny joke."
He walked outside, spying Ianto loading rubbish bags into the back of the SUV. "I'm really sorry our date got ruined."
Ianto continued to pack away the bags. "Ianto?" Jack tapped him on the shoulder.
"Oh, sorry." Ianto reached up and pulled tiny plugs out of his ears. "After the forty-second chorus of Yes, We Have No Bananas Today I needed some relief.
"Don't!" But it was too late. Both men sighed as voices started enthusiastically singing from the bags, Yes we have no bananas ... We have no bananas today ... We have string beans and onion Cabbages and scallions ... And all kinds of fruit, and say ...
Jack kicked one of the bags. "Enough!" The singing food quieted down abruptly.
"This evening turned out to be," Ianto paused as he searched for the perfect word.
Jack scowled. "A disaster?"
Ianto laughed. "Well, I was thinking more along the line of unique but disaster certainly does sum it up rather well."
Jack just couldn't let go of his bad mood. "All I wanted was a nice, quiet night out with you. Is that too much to ask?"
"You know what they say?" Ianto replied with a tired but amused gleam in his eyes.
"What's that?"
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."
Jack grinned. "How very true. Give me a few days to figure something out and we'll give going out on a date another shot."
