A/N: I know many people have done the whole parody of ocarina of time, but this story I'm doing is originally a comic I started doing a few years ago. I'm not able to scan it up to the net so creating it as a story is the next best thing. Hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: Do I own Zelda or Master Roshi, but one day I shall try!

Chapter 1: The Woods

Once upon a time, since that is how most stories are told from the beginning, there was a beautiful forested that existed among the eastern side of a grand country known as Hyrule. No one outside of the forest knew anything of the mythical, well mysterious, creatures that existed within the realm of the forest. This lush forest, known as the Kokiri Forest, was home to many small fairies and to a number of children who mysteriously never grew up and always wore green. Each child and fairy was watched over by the guardian of the forest, a giant talking tree. Yeah, you read right, it talks. Now every child in the forest was watched over by a fairy that protected that child. Or molested them, you choose. But, there was one child who did not have a fairy… but we will hit up on that in a minute. First of all, we'll check up on something more interesting! The talking tree!

Now this talking tree, also known as the great Deku Tree, was suffering horrible pains. But the pain of the tree did not concern the inhabitants of the forest one bit. Oh no. It was countless complaints and over exaggerated screams he emitted from the pain. He would never shut up! He would complain for days at a time forcing all the children, known as the Kokiri, and the fairies to find a shop that sold earplugs because he was just too loud. Sadly, there were none…

One day, a blue fairy by the name of Navi, decided to go and try to shut up the evil tree. The Deku Tree, knowing all since he is really smart, knew of her plan and decided to distract her. As she approached, the Deku Tree started up…again.

"Oh… a horrible curse has smitten me Navi", he complained.

"Yea", responded Navi, "about that, I just…"

"OH!" interrupted the complaining tree. " I have been cursed. Ooo. It hurts. Please make it stop!"

The fairy tried again. "Oh Deku…"

"OWWWW!" interrupted the Deku Tree once more. "I have been cursed by an evil king from thee west. I havest one request, fine Navi. OW! Fulfill it and I'll try to shut up a little more."

Navi brightened up. "Hey! Are you for real? I'll do anything!"

"OWWWWW! I mean good", responded the Deku Tree. " I want you to summon the boy without a fairy…OW…to come forth to me. He is the only one who hast not heard my tale of misery and woe. Bring him here and let him hear me complain."

Navi, wondering why this boy never heard the evil tree complain because he was so stinking loud, set off to find this boy so the forest could maybe once again rest in peace.

Meanwhile, this fairyless boy, a blonde boy dressed in a green tunic with radiant blue eyes and about the age of ten, also known as Link, somehow gained access to cable and a television set. He had his program so blaring loud that he could not have possibly heard the complaints of the annoying tree. Around his room, which was inside a tree, (all the other kokiri had huts cause they had fairies!) was full of sexy female model posters that he got from who knows where. Link, though, had his eyes glued to a TV program, but not just any TV program. Oh no! He was watching the best show in the whole world! MASTER ROSHI SAYS!

"Welcome back!" said the bald old man with the cool shades in the TV. "Today, I'll talk about how to flirt with babes!"

"Yes!" said Link. "Now I'll know how to flirt with Saria!"

Just then, a blue ball of light flew in to the tree house unknown to Link. This ball of light was of course Navi because she was ready to get this quest over with and wanted a good night's sleep. She stared over at Link, who had his eyes glued to the vulgar program while receiving tips from the perverted old hermit on how to pick up chicks. Navi then knew what she had to do. She picked up the remote that was conveniently located far from Link and turned off the TV.

Link, coming back into reality just stared at the blank screen. "Who turned off my show?"

Navi, taking advantage of this moment to get his attention decided to get up in his face.

"You've been summoned by the great…" she started.

"Blah blah", said Link in his 'I don't care' attitude as Navi was once again interrupted.

"Move out of my way!" shouted an angry Link.

Navi, not wanting to let him go, thought of something quick.

"But I'm your fairy!" sputtered Navi, not realizing how this was going to affect her future.

Hey! thought Link, If I have a fairy, Saria will be impressed!

"Okay, let's go!" said Link as they started to leave.

Right outside of his oh-so-special tree house stood one of Link's childhood friends. This friend was a ten-year-old girl in green, just like everyone else, with bright blue eyes and shoulder length green, yes green hair. Her name was Saria. With her was a fairy who shall remain nameless because the fairy is an unimportant character.

"Hey Link!" waved Saria.

Oh no! thought Link. It's Saria! What would Roshi do?

"Heh heh heh!" came the imaginative voice of the perverted old coot in Link's mind.

"To impress a girl", said Roshi, "first, make sure she has a great bod, and second, call her a babe! Heh heh heh!"

Link then snapped back into reality as Saria noticed link's fairy.

"Wow! You got a fairy!" she exclaimed.

As she said more random pointless stuff to Link since that is what all the girls in the forest do, Link started checking Saria out to see if she had a 'great bod' and gave no notice to Saria's incoherent babbling.

Saria noticed Link not listening to her and questioned his behavior.

"What are you doing?"

"Uh… nothing babe!" Link responded. He just completed step two in Master Roshi's greatest plan!

"Were you uhh…" Saria started to question, wanting to know what Link was up to.

"…Staring at your boobs?" said Link, finishing her question. "Yea!"

"YOU PERV!" shouted Saria a she beat the living daylights out of the stupid blond.

"What an idiot," mumbled Navi.

After beating Link up to a bloody pulp, Saria marched off in a huffy rage with her nameless fairy.

Navi, wanting to be annoying, decided to remind Link of this great quest.

"C'mon," she said with great encouragement. "We have to go to the Deku Tree!"

"No!" huffed Link as he was way too mad to do anything since his heart, along with his other organs, was crushed.

Navi thought for a moment about this situation and thought of a brilliant idea. Well, it was brilliant to her because she is too self-centered.

"Saria will be impressed," she said nudging Link.

Suddenly, Link's blue eyes burned with a fire that would have burned the forest down if not for the existence of Smokey the Bear.

"Okay!" he cheered.

They started to make their way to the other side of the forest to see the Deku Tree when a ten-year old red headed boy, Mido, and his fairy blocked these adventurers.

"You can't enter!" claimed Mido. "You need a sword and shield! DUH!"

Link, getting very mad at this insult, pushed Mido down.

"Don't 'DUH' me punk!" he replied angrily.

"You freak!" shouted Mido, but then he started thinking of something quick to get link away because he did not want to get knocked down again. Mido then remembered of Link's unhealthy obsession over Saria because everyone in the forest who was hip had knowledge of this.

Mido nervously pointed in the direction of the forest training center.

"Uhh…," he muttered, "if you go over there to get the sword, Saria…"

"SARIA!" shouted Link as he ran to the training center because he knew if Saria's name was mentioned about the place, he just had to be there.

At the training center, Link stood in front of a nameless kokiri and his nameless fairy.

"The sword is in that hole in a treasure chest," said the nameless dude pointing to a hole in the wall next to him.

"I ain't going in some freakin' hole!" complained Link.

"Thought you wanted to impress Saria", said the guy since he was hip and knew of Link's obsession with Saria.

Link, wanting to impress Saria, even though she wasn't there, wasn't about to back out of this one if this was for his beloved. So like the obsessed moron he is, he crawled into the hole and wound up on the other side. All seemed clear, so he started upon the path towards the treasure chest. That is when he heard a loud rumbling behind him.

"Is that your stomach?" asked Link as he turned around.

Not only did he see Navi who had had a very filling breakfast that morning, but he also saw a boulder of abnormal proportions rolling towards him.

AHHHHH!" screamed link like a pansy as he ran away making many turns and twists, but unfortunately for him, so did the boulder.

Seven hours passed before Link emerged back on the other side of the hole with his brand spanking new sword. Oh, and he was mortally wounded too.

"Now… for… the shield," Link managed to say.

So he walked up to a conveniently located shop in the forest.

"Ya'll got any earplugs?" asked Navi to the shopkeeper.

"Fresh out," said the ten-year old shopkeeper. He may have looked ten, but he was very mature for his age.

"We do, however, have this slammin' new shield. One of a kind! Made of titanium metal that can protect you from pretty much anything! But…it's pretty pricey."

"Darn," mumbled Link, "I'm broke."

Link then looked in the corner and saw a chunk of wood. Hmm… not titanium but it should get the job done. He thought.

"How much for the piece of tree in the corner?" asked Link.

"Uhh…what?" asked the shopkeeper, but before he knew, link and the chunk of wood were gone.

"Man," said the shopkeeper, "I was going to use that wood to fix the hole in my roof…"

Link started heading to where Mido was chilling out because he is all that.

"Hey Mido", smiled Link evilly. "I got a sword and shield."

Mido stared at Link, and being the pansy he thought he was, ran away screaming "Link is going to kill me with his sword! HELP!"

Link and Navi ignored Mido and decided to continue.

"Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey!" shouted Navi to Link since she hasn't been annoying for a while.

"Shut your freakin' hole you turd!" shouted Link to the evil blue ball of light.

"Ahh!" said the Deku Tree as the two approached him. "Thou OW! Hast returned."

"Yes I have," responded Navi.

"Thou? Hast-uh?" questioned Link, not having knowledge of this foreign language.

"Link. I have to tell ye something of vast importance." Said the huge talking piece of wood.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed the first chapter of my first story. Please read and review. If you liked it, I'll try to update as much as I can. I'm still working on my comic story too. By the way, this is my first story but I want you to know that you don't have to go nice on me just because it is. Just pray I can have enough dedication to finish this story through. Thanks for taking your time to read this.