A/N: So this is… well I don't really know what this is. It's mostly rambles and such. It might be a one-shot, it might be a story, who knows? It's not my first story, but it still probably isn't any good. Tell me what you think? Even if you hate it? Thanks! –scream2Bheard16
It wasn't supposed to be this way. David knew that. He knew that he wasn't supposed to feel like this, that it wasn't normal or spiritual or any of those other adjectives that the stiff collared pastor from the church that they visited on Easter and Christmas would use. He knew he was disgusting. He knew he was sick. He knew that nothing, nothing good could ever come from feeling this way, but he didn't have a choice.
He had been taught from the time he was little that gay people were evil. They were sinners and you weren't supposed to associate with them. Dave remembers his parents screaming at his older sister just for being friends with a gay guy. They would kick him out. That was definite.
Dave felt like he was dying inside. He knew that what he was doing to Kurt was wrong, but he couldn't stop. It was like he finally found someone who felt the same way about boys as he did, and he couldn't not be in his presence. But the only way for Dave to be around Kurt was to pick on him. It started out relatively harmless, but it quickly escalated until Dave became someone that he himself didn't recognize anymore. So that day in the locker room, when Kurt was screaming at him and telling him how ordinary he was, all Dave could think was that he'd give anything to be ordinary. His biggest wish is that he'd wake up normal. But he wasn't normal. He was gay, and he always would be.
Dave was dying to feel something, to see that he wasn't alone. So he pressed his lips against Kurt's, hoping, praying, that the pain would recede and he would start to hate himself less. But when Kurt pushed him away the second time, Dave hated himself more than he ever thought was possible.
Dave had known from the time that he was a freshman that he was gay. And ever since then, he couldn't get his mind off one specific guy. He was the last guy on the face of the earth that Dave should have fallen for. He was completely off limits and Dave had cursed his heart again and again for doing this to him. And no, it wasn't Kurt. It was Azimio. Sure, Dave had kissed Kurt, but out of desperation. Dave had been dying inside and he had hoped that kissing a boy would make the pain dissipate. Dave comforted himself with one thought. If he hadn't kissed Kurt, he would have kissed Azimio.
Dave was a walking cliché. He played football because he was too dumb to do anything useful. He picked on the resident gay kid because he was too afraid to admit that he himself was gay. He fell in love with his best friend.
Dave was shocked that Azimio hadn't figured it out by now. They had been friends for six years now. And then of course there was the bro hugs, the awkward drunk texts, the rampant homophobia. But then again, Azimio was the biggest homophobe he knew. It was just his luck wasn't it? He just had to fall in love with the biggest homophobe in the most ignorant town in all of the United States. There were a million guys in the world, why did Dave have to fall for the one who would not only never like him back, but would hate him if he knew the truth?
It was after practice, and Dave was rushing to get out of the locker room. Even after all these years, he still always felt uncomfortable changing with all the guys. Dave couldn't help thinking, "if they knew, they would not be standing there talking to me like this. They'd be beating the crap out of me".
Dave picked up his gear and headed for the door when he heard someone call his name.
"Hey Karofsky! Get back here!" Azimio called. "It's Friday! Lets go hit up somewhere fun. Heard Santana is having a party. They'll be hot chicks and tons of beer. You in?"
Even though Dave didn't want to, he felt himself saying yes. He could never say no when it came to Az.
A couple hours later, they arrived at the party. Az was already halfway to drunk, but Dave hadn't touched any alcohol and didn't plan to. The stuff always made him more likely to spill his secret, all of it, to anyone who would listen. Dave still remembered the day that he told Brittany's cat he was gay. After that, Dave swore he would never get that drunk around anyone ever again.
The music was loud and the place was packed. Before long, Azimio had disappeared with some chick, (Samantha? Leslie? Dave couldn't recall) and Dave was feeling depressed. Santana came over and dragged him out onto the dance floor. Dave could instantly tell that she wasn't drunk because she wasn't trying to molest Brittany.
"All you jocks don't know how to dance," Santana said flirtingly. "Watch this." Santana started doing this crazy hot dance, shaking her hips and pushing herself up against him. Dave pretended to love it, but inside he felt like he was going to be sick. Not even thirty seconds into the dance, Dave started to walk away. Santana grabbed his arm. "Where the hell do you think you're going?"
"I just can't do this right now Santana." Dave said exasperated.
"Do what? Grind with some hot chick? Come on Karofsky, you know you want me!"
"Actually Santana, I don't."
Her face fell and he watched her eyes travel across the room where Brittany was making out with wheelchair boy. "Well I guess that makes two of you now," she said with raw emotion in her voice. She walked away dejected and hurt. Dave wanted to walk over to her, give her a hug and explain that it wasn't her, it was him. But he couldn't.
He couldn't comfort her any more than he could figure out how to forget that he was in love with his best friend.
