Before we begin this story I think that it is absolutely necessary that I start off with an Authors Note. First, I need to let everyone know that Peter Pettigrew will not be mentioned at all in this story due to my extreme dislike of him. What he did in canon has made it impossible for me to be able to bear to write him in any context.

Second, before you get too confused this story will cover both the marauder era and the current time period in which the books take place. There are two authors, Me (Emma) who will be writing the marauder era, and Haley, who will be writing the Trio time period. The chapters will alternate and the two stories are connected, thanks to a supersecret!plot twist at the end. Yes.

Also, this is a parody based off of every crap!fic that has graced these boards, and some others. Any gaps in logic or in the timeline of events were intentional, but feel free to spam our review board by bringing them to our attention. We like reviews. More importantly, we like flames. So, basically outside of a semi-illogical sequence of events, this fic contains the following: slash, smut, cutting, love potions, glamour spells, healing!sex, asspuppies, random authors notes based off of real authors notes (see , poor grammar, wild Slytherin parties, mary-sues, clubbing, slut!Hermione, Evil!Dumbledore, Sirius the Sex God, and sentient!Hogwarts. Plus whatever sick random other shit comes to our mind. You have been warned.

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The night was hot, the air stiff. There was a sense of foreboding in the atmosphere, as though something was about to happen. The summer was coming to a close, a new school year would be starting soon. The school could sense change, something important was going to happen with in its walls this year. Something that would change the course of wizard kind forever.

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"Fuck, James slow down! We have all night, the clubs aren't going anywhere!" Remus complained, as he tried to keep his broomstick straight in the windy night sky. He and James had snuck out of James manor after telling Mr. and Mrs. Potter that they were tired and wanted to go to bed early that evening. The plan was to fly into London (just a 30 minute flight from the manor) and hit as many of the hottest clubs they could before daybreak, when they would fly back and hit the sack before James's parents were any wiser.

"No can do Moony! We want to get there early, I'm telling you. I heard from Sirius they got a new bartender at the Moby Dick that we're going to want to check out." Sirius had moved out of the Potters place just a few weeks ago, claiming he had money from his great-uncles inheritance, so no one should worry about him.

"What new bartender? And damn it James! I can't keep up. Why don't you just take your bloody apparition test already? You know you'd pass."

"Yeah, but flying is so much more fun! Don't you just love the feeling of ecstasy that comes over you when you're riding a broom?" Remus shook his head. They could have left thirty minutes later if James would just get over this whole anti-apparation thing, and he could have spent a little more time on his hair. Remus sighed in annoyance as he thought about the new bartender at the Moby Dick. Was it really necessary for Sirius to be checking out other men? Wasn't he, Remus Lupin, enough?

They got to the Moby Dick at a quarter to nine. There was already a line forming at the door to get in, full of men in collars with leashes held by their partners, leather corsets, and stilettos. James fit right in with his tight new leather pants and silky purple shirt. Remus on the other hand, not accustomed to going to such clubs, stood out a little bit more, as he was dressed in a pair of worn jeans and a sweater vest under a white tee-shirt, even though it was sweltering out in the summer heat.

The bouncer let them in, giving Remus a pat on the ass as he walked by. James strode confidently to the bar, magicing off the black X's that had been drawn on his hands because he was underage in the muggle world. Remus walked behind him, keeping his eyes on the floor. Clubs weren't really his thing, he'd much prefer to be curled up in a chair by the fire reading a book or studying for next years classes, but James had made him go, since Sirius was busy tonight.

Remus wondered where Sirius was, he'd been going out late at night a lot lately, and Remus missed their nightly floo calls. If only he wasn't so damn secretive…

James sat down in a bar stool at the bar by a pole where a man was chained and being whipped. Remus tried not to stare as he sat down next to him. James was grinning, Remus turned to see why. Remus was shocked. There was Sirius, his boyfriend clad in black leather short shorts, a black leather vest, red suspenders, and combat boots. And a little biker hat. Remus had an instant raging orgasm. He quickly crossed his legs to hide the damp spot on his pants, while fumbling for his wand to clean up the mess.

"Hey love," Sirius said, sauntering up to Remus, biting his bottom lip seductively. "fancy meeting you here."

Remus blushed as Sirius poured him a few shots. Remus downed them quickly, uncomfortable with his surroundings, yet massively turned on by it as well. Sirius began to explain how he had come to work there, and how that was why he was busy most nights and couldn't call. That information made Remus feel better, especially when he said it was just for the summer, since he had to go back to Hogwarts in the fall.

Then Sirius took out a pair of handcuffs. Pink, fluffy handcuffs. James giggled, and then, catching they eye of a hotty by the DJ he got up and stumbled drunkenly to his new man.

Meanwhile in the Forbidden Forest:

Severus Snape was leaning against a gnarled old tree deep in the depths of the Forbidden Forest, shrouded entirely in darkness except for the circle of light cast around him by his wand lying on the ground at his feet.

A rhythmic sound could be heard coming from the wooden muggle toy in his hand. He had found the toy laying on the edge of the Forbidden Forest where it meets with Hosmeade. Snape couldn't imagine where the toy had come from, Hogsmeade was a strictly magical village, and this was clearly a muggle object.

Anyway he was leaning against the gnarled old tree with the wooden toy in his hand, swinging the highly polished rosewood paddle rhythmically. The soft rubbery pop occurring on every upsweep of the paddle as it came forcefully into contact with the matte rubber ball bouncing it outward to the limit of the thin white elastic string that attached it to the paddle. Over and over and over and over and over again.

Suddenly there was a loud snap and the rubber ball was sent ricocheting off the trees into the distance and in that moment young Severus, who had previously been a joyful and friendly child swore eternal vengeance on the world that had so cruelly and suddenly taken the marvelous toy from him. Never would Severus Snape allow another child to be happy. Ever.

Back in the club, Sirius was bending Remus over a barstool and handcuffing him to it. And then some paddling happens. The paddle was made of a dark cherry wood and had dog shaped holes in it like swiss cheese to allow the air to move through it for fasterness. Remus's pants were pulled down to his ankles and his bottom was turning red from the beating. There were little doggy shaped white spaces on his butt from the holes in the paddle and it was turning Sirius on. That was what was happening back in the club after Sirius handcuffed Remus to the barstool.

Then Dumbledore walked in wearing a long sleeved violet floor length jacket lined with gold trimming and frilly pink featheryness on the edges. He was carrying a big pimp stick cane thing and had on white platform shoes underneath his fushia bell-bottoms which had a white leather belt and also he had on a silky pink and gold button-up shirt that was unbuttoned to show off his sexay white old man chest hair. On his head he had a purple pimp top hat thing like the mofia guys wear in the movies with a giant black piratey feather on it. This was the 70's bitch, and Old Dumbles was grovin' with the best of them. Everyone turned to stare.

"Where's my Luscious Lucius BITCHES?" Dumbledore hollered out.

Sirius looked up from where he was standing and pulled out of Remus. Time to get back to work, poor Remus would just have to wait until he had another break.

LusciousLuciusLusciousLuciusLuPaddleBallsciousLuciusLusciousLuciusLusciousLuciu

The Marauders were on the Hogwarts Express on their way to Hogwarts. Sirius was wearing a T-shirt that said "save a broom ride a werewolf" and it was making Remus blush even though no one knew he was a werewolf except his friends and he still couldn't sit down because his bottom was so raw. from the night before James was in the prefect cabin up front giving orders to the prefects for the new year because he was headboy this year which made Remus angry because he had been a prefect last two years and he should have been headboy but then over the summer, one day when they were at the beach they ran into Lily and she was with her friends but then her friends wandered off and some boy started harassing her and then he tried to rape her but then James saved her life and so Dumbledore made him headboy and James and Lily have been dating ever since.

When they got to the school they sat down at the house tables and then listened to the Sorting Hat sing a song and sort the new first years into their houses. When the Hat was done Dumbledore gave a speech about how they should avoid the Forbidden Forest because it was Forbidden and shit. Then they ate food and Sirius was sleepy so they went up to their dormitory and went to sleep.

THE NEXT DAY

James woke up to the sound of a guitar being strummed badly. Lily was sitting on the edge of his bed playing with his magical electric guitar. Its Magilectric!

ANYWAY so Lily was playing with James guitar while Sirius tuned his drums. James groaned- he'd forgotten that they had band practice today before classes.

"Lily-bear, what are you doing with my guitar?"

"Just playing, Jamesy-poo."

"Be careful, that's a Electragical 2000! Top of the line, not even out on the market yet!"

"Then how'd you get one?"

"My cousin is Ted Nugent."

"Oh. Well that's cool."

"Oh, shit. James, I hear this fucking crazy ass rumor!" Sirius shouted.

"What?"

"You know how Malfoy has a band that is competing in the battle of the bands too in Hogsmeade on Holloween?"

"Yeah… The Luscious Lucius's right?" James said skeptically.

"Well I heard who his new guitarist is…"

"…and…"

"its Snivellous."

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"Oh. right. And he's got a Electragical 2000 too."

"WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????!!1 How'd he get one?"

"His cousin is Gerald Way."

"Shit."

"Yeah."

Then Remus picked up his Synthesizer (its like a keyboard, but it makes other noises, like bass and shit) and then he said that they should start band practice. So the picked a song, and started rocking out. Lily picked up her tambourine and started tapping on it, while singing into her microphone:

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stay too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same dame thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

(A/N: I DON'T OWN THESE LYRICS! They are the property of Kelly Clarkson!!!1!! I absolutely lurve her! Omg- no wait. So last week was my schools prom, and my bf totally invited me and we went and my dress was this satiny pale pink princessy sleeveless gown and anyway my bf and I so slow danced to this song… How Romantic!!!! Wheeeeee!!!!!! Anyway, that was the end of my first chapter!! Woot! Tell me what you think guys! Remember, R&R!!! Reviews are love! Cookies for everone!)