Ta-dum! This is a Voyager one-shot fiction. To help you understand what's going on, think back to the episode "Riddles," where Tuvok loses his memory and the such. Something like that has happened to Kathryn Janeway, and she needs a bit of help from Chakotay.
Special Thanks:
God, for my sweet talent and passion for writing
Paramount, for the awesome series. This is to show you how wrong you were about C/7...
Liz. Omigosh, you're great. You and me, with our Voy-talks. And not only in my writing, and in Voyager, but you're just a great friend and I hope we stay that way always.
All my readers - you're all so great. Thank you SO much!
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As he walked in, their eyes met, and he felt that something was very, very wrong. She wouldn't have just gone and attacked someone. No matter what had happened to her, that wasn't the woman he knew. Something was wrong.
"Hello, there," he greeted her, standing before the forcefield, hands clasped behind his back. There she sat, plain as day, her auburn hair brushed neat and trim, and her uniform the same as always. The same he knew.
She merely looked at him, an expression of frustration, of anger clear in the blue grey eyes he could read so easily. Or so he thought...So he had been able to do, before it had happened to her. Why? Why had it happened to her?
"What happened?" he asked.
"What do you mean?" Her tone of voice was as sharp as a blade, and he felt as though the edge of it had cut right through his heart.
"You know what I mean. Why did you attack that man?"
"Because he got in my way."
He shook his head. That wasn't right. It wasn't her, he knew it wasn't her. "That wouldn't have been enough to justify a hard punch to the jaw. You nearly broke it, you know."
She scowled. "It would have served him right. He knew about this! He knew that I--" she stopped, and something flashed in her eyes as her voice calmed a little. "...That I couldn't remember..."
He watched her, his expression softening, almost melting. "Kathryn--"
"Don't call me that. You know that's not who I am. You're as bad as that idiot...I am not his Captain." She looked away, glaring at the wall.
"That is who you are. I know you're confused, but even so, the woman I know wouldn't let this stop her."
"In case you havent noticed, Commander, I'm not the woman you know." Her voice thickened. "Not anymore...She's gone."
He walked a step closer. "I don't believe that."
"Then you're a fool."
Chakotay shrugged a bit. "Call me what you will, that doesn't change who you are. 'A haircut doesn't change the head its on. The make up doesn't make the girl.' That's what you said to Seven of Nine. When she denied her humanity. It's the same thing here, Kathryn. You are Kathryn Janeway."
"Not anymore," she repeated. She stood, starting to pace around in the little square of Sickbay she was fenced into.
"Why not?"
"Because...Because I don't remember it, alright!" Her voiced rose a bit again. "I don't remember anything about my life before. And for the past few days, I've done nothing but eat, sleep, and breathe my own history. But it hasn't helped anything. I'm still...no one."
"Hardly...You're still a human being, you're still the woman we've come to respect, and love with deep devotion. Is that 'no one'?"
"But I don't remember it!" she insisted.
"So? I don't remember my own birth, does that mean it never happened? That it should be disregarded, because I have no memory of it?" He frowned. Where was the Kathryn he knew?
This had been such a cruel thing to happen to her. It would be hard on anyone, but...She had lost so much. So many things she had done, people she had met and learned to care for.
"That's different, it's not an entire lifetime. Thirty-six years worth of events and feelings, and I can't remember a single one." She stopped pacing to stare at him, standing parallel with him. One might never guess there was an electrified barrier between them. "You told me...That four days ago, I was in command of this ship. Voyager's own infamous Captain Kathryn Janeway."
"Yes..."
"Just look at me now." She spread her arms out and backed up a step. "A fine Captain I am, right? A good example, right? Stuck behind a forcefield in what used to be my own Sickbay, walking the fine line between sanity and insanity, ranting at her first officer? I don't know who I am!" she said.
He watched her, letting her continue with her passionate speech, as he crumbled inside. This incident was forcing the reality upon him; Kathryn simply wasn't Kathryn right now...But such an extraordinary woman. She couldn't be gone forever.
She went on, unaware of his thoughts. "I don't even know what I am! I'm not a human being anymore, because I don't remember what it means to be human. I don't remember how they're supposed to act.
"I don't remember my favorite color, or my hobbies. I don't remember my friends, my family. I don't remember Earth, or the Alpha Quadrant. I don't remember the Borg, or...or 'Species 8472' as you like to call them. I don't remember the Caretaker, or anything about these last six years!"
Her voice was rising steadily, desperately. She was crying out for help behind those words, but he didn't know how to reach her. She didn't remember him, either.
"You say I'm supposed to be the Captain! But what good is a captain with an identity crisis? Just tell me what I'm supposed to be!" she shouted at him, her voice ringing for a moment in the sickbay.
He watched her sink against the wall with what sounded remarkably like a sob, and she slid down against it until she sat on the floor, her knees pulled up to her chest. There she sat, and he knew she was crying. Her body was shaking, and he could hear her gentle, desperately confused sobs. And it broke his heart.
"I-don't-know-what-I-am," she repeated brokenly.
Chakotay lowered the forcefield, and went to crouch by her side. "I know," he said gently, close to her ear. "I know, what you are. You are this crew's strength. You are a human being. You are still a form of life, though maybe a little confused. And..." He turned her head toward him. "You are my closest friend."
For a moment she just watched him, not moving. But then, she leaned her forehead on his chest, and squeezed her eyes shut. He put his arms around her, and held her as she cried.
Oh, Kathryn...
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I am now continuing this fiction - thank you so much for all the encouragement!
