This is a short one-shot dealing with JJ's emotions after her miscarriage. Warning: this may be triggering to some people; please read with caution. After you read, please remember to review. Let me know which characters you would like to read more about in fanfiction form! P.S. You may want some tissues nearby.
JJ had been making her way to the little boy section. Henry really did need some new sneakers and maybe she could pick some up here for him. Maybe she could even find some dinosaur ones - he had developed a slight obsession with the reptilian creatures after Will bought him a storybook about one. Unfortunately, she did not know the store very well. That was how she ended up there.
The baby section.
Her body froze at the sight of the tiny dresses and sleepers and teddies - everything one would need for baby girls. Her heart began to pound, tears pricked at her eyes, her mind raced through haunted memories.
I should have a little baby girl right now!
The tiny clothes hung on the racks, taunting her empty arms. Sometimes she and her girlfriends had joked about how baby clothes made their wombs hurt for more. Today that seemed true. The scar on her side suddenly seemed to throb. It hurt, her head hurt, her memories hurt … her heart hurt.
I have to get out of here.
That thought propelled her into motion. She left her cart and nearly ran through the store. Thankfully the workers must have just thought that she was in a hurry, not attempting to shoplift. She rushed to her car and sat in the front seat, panting. The memories had come so strongly.
Her torturer had taken her baby girl, more or less than a year ago.
It isn't fair.
The thought was not very deep, but it was the universal cry of confusion and hurt. It was not fair - not in the least. Not only had she been damaged, her baby had died because of the torture she had been forced to endure.
JJ shakily turned on the ignition and drove home, forgetting all about picking up dinosaur sneakers.
…
I can do this.
An article on miscarriage, "accidentally" mailed from Spencer, who had a very weak excuse of sending it to the wrong address, had arrived on her doorstep that morning. It had suggested having something to hold to remember the lost little one. JJ had liked that idea. Even though she knew it would be difficult she also knew that this was likely going to be fundamental in helping her heal emotionally. It would be a tangible acknowledgement that she was a mother to not one, but two.
JJ calmly walked through the store. This time she knew where she was going and why.
It's time to remember Lucy.
Lucy - it meant light. And even though she had lost her baby girl to the darkness, light always won out.
Today she was here to do that.
JJ took several shaky steps into the baby section.
Oh, this is hard!
But she could not let him win. He might have stolen Lucy from her, but he could not steal her memory - those few butterfly movements, those happy moments planning for her, those impulses of maternal love at discovering she was pregnant. He could not take those away from her.
JJ forced herself to walk toward the baby blankets. This was what she wanted. She looked over the selection, then chose a fluffy white one with a smiling sun embroidered in the bottom corner. She knew that she would hold it, cuddle it, cry over it, and cherish it in memory of the daughter that she never got to cuddle and kiss in this life. She had never gotten to wrap Lucy in a blanket, but at least she had the memories to wrap up in her heart. She lifted the little blanket to her face and kissed the little smiling sun. A lone tear dropped onto the fluffy fabric.
Her little light was shining through the darkness.
And as light does, it made everything feel a little bit better.
