Chapter 1

Dirty

Another boring day in ORB… I seem to be getting a lot of those lately.

The boredom of having to sit through meetings after meetings, only to have my spirit crushed by the autumn wind, that never seems to penetrate my window… Sometimes, I wonder if Athrun is having the same feeling as I have right now…

Things were so much livelier back then, and yet I kind of miss those days now that they are gone. Still, I doubt that this is a conversation we'll ever have; even before we got engaged, he was always impossibly hard to read; to the point that I always felt like I was bullying him into getting involved.

Yet, so much has changed in two years; and despite all of my responsibilities, there is always a moment, here and there, when there just isn't anything that I CAN do. And in the end… it always come to this…

This sole picture of me, my mom… and my kid brother…

Every time I look at it, I can't seem to shake off the feeling that I just don't know the woman on this picture; and even though I'm pretty sure that this blond little baby is me, I don't remember anything about that little boy who's right beside me. Yet when I turn it around, I can no longer deny it…

"Kira x Cagalli"

Even though neither of us really looks alike and that we were both raised by different peoples; this picture is the sole evidence that we are INDEED brother and sister...

Tomorrow, I'm gonna be joining up with Athrun at the mansion, where Kira and Lacus currently resides. And as I lay alone in the middle of the afternoon, I tell myself. "This will be a nice change of pace…" Or so I'd like to believe.

---

THE NEXT MORNING

Besides the ones that you can live while you are awake, I've never given much credit to dreams. But this morning, I had a feeling a strange feeling of déjà-vu, as I clumsily tried to grab my pants at the foot of my bed.

It's strange really, it's almost as if I'm there, reliving that night all over again; and now, as my index slowly makes its way down my underpants' waistband, I remember it all too vividly.

It wasn't too so long after I had joined up with the Archangel's crew; despite the protests of the captain and all the officers aboard that ship. But of course, as I usually did then, I managed to have my way. That night, I was particularly pissed off over something that happened back at the cafeteria; it wasn't anything special, but basically, I was just standing there, minding my own business while trying to warm my meal; when that redhead suddenly snuck up on me.

I can't say I really knew her that much, since I didn't really try to get along with the other crew members; but after all, I figure that there was no reason for me to mingle with these brats since none of them had really made an effort to reach out to me. Plus, despite my sorties with Skygrasper 2, I was still technically a civilian; glorified luggage at best. However, despite that fact, I knew more about her than I should technically have. It was that Flay girl, who was buzzing around Kira like a fly over a thrash can; and unfortunately, this was not an understatement.

Weeks before now, I had accidentally witnessed an altercation between her and what I assumed to be her ex-boyfriend back when we were at Gibraltar; and to my surprise, she ran and hid behind Kira, who made it pretty clear that she was HIS now, and that this guy should pike off or he would beat the crap out of him. I didn't necessarily mean to pry, but I was really surprised that he had the balls to pull off a stunt like that. But then again, it seems like those two have been together ever since, so that wasn't really any of my business.

So there I was, trying to heat my meal, when that girl started to cough loudly behind me. "Ahem!"

Of course, I did not pay much attention to her; I was there first, so she would have to wait until I was done. But then, she kept going on and on and on, probably in order to make me leave. "Huhhm!"

About a minute and a half later, I lost all that was left of my patience; I turned around and told her. "You have a problem, redhead?"

To which she answered, visibly unhappy to see me; which probably had something to do with what had happened yesterday, but I'll get on that later. "This stove belongs to everyone, so if you're done, I'd like to get my own food done before it rots."

I don't know why, but I didn't like her attitude back then, so I replied. "You'll get to use it when I'm done, so until then, quiet down."

Her face then was priceless; she was frowning so much, that I was pretty sure she would get wrinkles if she kept going like that; of course, that was probably one of those rare times when someone actually stood up to her, so she was probably furious that I wouldn't let her have her way. Anyway, my lunch was ready a few seconds later, so I took it out and told her. "There, NOW, you can use it."

I could obviously tell that she was pouting behind me as I walked past her, but that served her right, nobody gives me orders, nobody. "Hmph!"

I went back to my room, and once I was done eating, I threw my jacket on the bed and sat down on the chair beside my desk, trying to find some means to pass time The funny thing is, since I got on the Archangel, I had a whole set of quarters all for myself; since I wasn't a soldier of the Earth Forces, they had decided to isolate me and Kisaka from the rest of the crew, probably to make sure that we would not get in their way. However, Kisaka had his own room next to mine and since I had looked my door after I got in, I was pretty much all by myself; which pretty much led me with little more options than to get worked up over that dumb bitch.

I had met Kira a while ago while I was on the run from my father in Heliopolis, to go see for myself if Morgenraete was indeed working with the Earth Forces to manufacture new advanced mobile suits; I somehow managed to get caught along with him and his friends into the facility while a Zaft raid was going on. At first, that dumbass didn't even have a clue that I was a girl; and not long after discovering that fact, he threw me into a shelter while he got to another one, since mine was already at full capacity. Suffice to say, I got back on Earth, and eventually got involved with the Desert Dawn, which coincidently led us to meet again when the Archangel forcibly landed within the desert. Though I was pretty pissed over what happened in Heliopolis, we eventually started getting along. I suppose Kira was an OK guy, and since I hadn't outright killed him for having seen me wearing a dress back at that Waltfeld pervert's place, I suppose you could say that we ARE friends.

But one thing that I soon realized about him, is that he was such a HUGE wimp… Lots of stuff made him cry and he seemed unable to deal with his emotions the way a regular person would. And not only that, but he was so dependent on the peoples around him, that it pretty much felt like he was always getting bullied by his entourage. And I'm pretty sure that this is exactly how that damned redhead got him wrapped up all around her little fingers.

Sure, I suppose she was pretty; but she's all fashion and makeup, so that's really all there is about her. But, oh! When she starts whistling, that guy answers as fast as a dog to his bag of treats. Lately, however, I've been noticing that Kira has been having a lot of doubts about what he has been doing until now. He was telling me, not so long ago, about how hard piloting that mobile suit was and how tired he was of having to protect everyone on that ship. And somehow, I understood exactly what he was saying; everybody was relying so much upon him, that the very thought of failing was simply dreadful for him, to say the least; and since most of them couldn't really do much about it, I was pretty much the only one besides Commander La Flaga with whom he could truly relate to about that kind of things.

Sure, he's a wimp, but deep inside he's a good guy, and peoples expects so much from him that I figured that all he really needed, was a hug. And so, this is exactly what I did.

I think that Kira knew what I was trying to do there, and he was truly grateful for it, but just as we were done, that dumb bitch showed up with her shirt obviously tied up to provoke some reaction out of Kira. She glanced at me for a second and snatched him away using her charms; despite his weak protests. That's just how she do this; Kira is completely oblivious to that kind of things, and she can blackmail him to do whatever she wants. Like that time when she was sick and that he stayed by her side the whole time; that guy was running around all over the place to get stuff for that poor sick princess who was nothing more than a little seasick! This probably wasn't any worse than a common cold; but she acted so frail and fragile, that someone like Kira simply couldn't ignore her while she was like this.

I mean, come on, that guy seriously needs to get a backbone or something. What is he even doing with that girl anyway? She's only manipulating him… … …

Why am I even thinking about him anyway? If he wants to date that redhead so badly, then that is HIS problem.

"Hah! I need a distraction!" I told myself with my fist clenched. But then, something hit me right in the face… I opened my palm and placed my index in evidence.

"I haven't done… this… In a heck of a long time…" I thought. And of course, when could I have done it? Having been sleeping on a chair in the life shelter and under the stars while I was with the Desert Dawn, I hadn't really been getting much privacy, and since Kisaka was not there, maybe I could… … …

The context was too perfect to be ignored, and so, after getting a bunch of tissues, I immediately threw my pants into a corner. It had been… a while since I had done that and strangely enough, it almost seemed like my fingers were… shy; as I slowly slid them inside my panties.

Gosh; it had been… way too long… Just the simple feeling of my index touching my bare skin… I just couldn't control myself. Before I knew it, I had fully spread my legs and I was literally starving for my fingers. The feeling was exactly like what I remembered it to be; the only thing that differed this time is that I had to restrain myself from spoiling it right away.

I rubbed it, softly at first, but before I knew it, I couldn't stand it anymore; I lifted my shirt and began massaging my left breast. Enjoying every seconds as I stimulated the end of my special spot.

My hand had finally reached the edge of my nipple, and I just couldn't stop myself from messing around with it… Pinching it… massaging it… I knew, I was getting there. And that was then, that I made a mistake, despite my best judgments, I could not resist the temptation. And as I kept rubbing, I buried my fingers deep inside me. First one, then two, and then, the rush I had been looking for had spread through my entire body; and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

My eyes widened, something akin to a cramp occurred between my legs and that was IT.

"Dammit!" I accidentally yelled, banging my fist upon the desk, trying to hang in there as the tranquil stream slowly poured from within my loins. Luckily, nobody would have heard me since the door was closed, but that wasn't really what was bothering me then…

---

SOON AFTER

I was far too aroused at that moment to even care about my fantasies… and it was only when I was finished pleasuring myself, that I finally realized, what I had just done… … …

Anyone would tell you that this is perfectly normal, that there's nothing wrong from satisfying your baser instincts… But truth is, none of them really means it…

No matter how hard I try to convince myself that there's nothing wrong with that, whenever the phone rings while I'm doing it, or that someone knocks unexpectedly at the door; I know, that there is something inherently dirty about this…

Yet now, as lie on the corner of my bed, half-naked; I look upon the moist liquid I just collected from the corner of its lips; breathing heavily, one sigh at a time, I realize, that I really can't help myself, and perhaps… that's what's making me so depressed right now…


Author's Ramblings:

KxC… Is a Fanfiction I started writing a while back out of a… desire to listen to Gundam Seed all over again, like I do about once every year. Being somewhat my first real contact with Japanese anime, which I still remember fondly up to this day; this led me to remember something truly odd that had been hanging from the back of my head for quite a long time. Namely the fact that at about midpoint in the series, the plot just makes no freaking sense! There are so many plot holes and Kira suddenly hook up with Lacus while Cagalli somehow made this seamless transition from one of Kira's love interests to his sister… Kind of like someone just came along to pick up the series and started calling the shots all of a sudden. So this made me wonder, what really happened between those two when the camera wasn't on? And that is exactly what that story is all about.

The title itself, "KxC", was a bogus name I used back when I was pouring out ideas for this project at about 1h30 AM three nights in a row; which is a reference to what's was written behind the picture of both characters, back when they were just babies; which I later discovered to be a mistake of mine on the version I watched. But then, being fully aware that I wasn't very good at naming my stories, I figured, why not just leave it like that? It evokes exactly what the story is all about, it's easy to remember and better yet, it's almost clever; so why bother?

Now, I must admit that the whole idea of writing erotica was something I wasn't exactly comfortable with, at first… But then, I just happened to be watching that Peterotica episode from Family Guy, when they parodied Peter becoming a successful erotica writer; and as I listened to those excerpt they were throwing in about what he was doing, I told myself: "Wow… this is so terrible, even I could make something better than that (Which WAS the joke)". And then I realized, that this was something that was just holding me back. Being someone who likes to experiences with his writing, I thought it was very hypocritical of me to avoid doing so, just because I was too scared to do it.

Much like I was at first, this chapters points out something that has always bothered me, which is essentially summed up as: "Peoples are so full of crap (me included)" when it comes to masturbation or sex in general. Everyone would probably tell you that there is nothing to be ashamed of and that it is something that is perfectly natural; but when they are actually confronted with it, you can easily tell that none of them actually comfortable with the very idea of sex. Basically, having sex is alright, but watching or catching someone having sex is just plain wrong. Whether it's just a noise past your door, or having someone walk in on you; we are all genuinely afraid of being caught. And maybe that IS what is really wrong about this.

To prove my point; here is a little homework I want you to do before the next chapter, I don't care whether you answer it in your head or whatever, just do it. Picture yourself in a very crowded place, like one of those big cities' crosswalks or a classroom filled with peoples, its not important; in there, you notice someone, whom you have never met before, her appearance or gender doesn't matter, just try to picture some kind of generic person in your mind. Now, this person suddenly starts pleasuring herself for no apparent reason, and you don't notice anything that could possibly have set her off, other than the fact that perhaps she can. You can perfectly see what she is doing, and so can everyone else, but they just haven't had time to react yet. How do YOU feel at that exact same moment? How do you feel as you stare at that person who just started pleasing herself in front of everybody?

The answer doesn't really matter, but I think that this is a good way to gauge just how comfortable you are with that kind of things.