My Little Pony's Guide to the Galaxy

Starring Peter Jones as the Book with Tabitha St. Germain and Ashleigh Ball

Chapter 1: Fit the First (Part 1 of 2)

This is the story of the most remarkable book in this galaxy, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the guide to all that the space traveling hitchhiker's truly need to know, and the minds behind it, even if they were not currently aware of it yet. It all began at a house. But not really just any house, Carousel Boutique, a local dress shop in the city of Ponyville. Positioned in front of the boutique were large and recently invented machines called bulldozers that were built to do a more efficient job of what they had come there to do: Knock the place down.

There was only one hitch in this, though. The owner of the place, a mare with a with coat, blue eyes, purple hair, and the cutie mark of three diamonds, named Rarity, didn't truly want the house to be knocked down, as it was also the place that she lived in.

And after she had sent her sister Sweetie Belle to go play with her friends due to this being a personal matter, she implemented her displeasure by laying down in the mud, something she would never do under normal circumstances, directly in front of he bulldozers, instilling anger in the bulldozer operators.

"Now just get up Miss Rarity." Said one of the bulldozer operators. "It's like these bulldozers. The road to Canterlot we're building through your house is progress, and efficient too. Besides, we gave you some notice and time to move your business to somewhere else."

"Since when?" said Rarity in an irritated voice. "I wasn't given any notice except for yesterday at noon, which is no amount of time at all to even start packing up my things and much less completely move out."

"Well didn't you see the official plans for this road signed by the Mayor herself?" asked the bulldozer operator. "They were on display."

"I did go to City Hall." Rarity said. "But I didn't find the plans until I went down into the cellar without any lights in a damp room at the bottom of a filing cabinet. I'd hardly call that on display for all to see."

"Well it's too late now, because this road most certainly has to be built. Like I said, it's progress, plain and simple. Now get up and get out of the way. We're not game to sit here all day doing nothing."

"Well if it means keeping my home standing, then I am." Rarity said as she continued to lie there.

The bulldozer operator sighed and waited for one of them to get out of the way, preferably, from his currently single-minded point of view, Rarity.

It was then that one of Rarity's best friends, a mare with an orange coat, green eyes, a blond mane, the cutie mark of three apples, and wearing a Stetson hat, walked by and saw her there. Now she was widely known through the small town as a brilliant apple farmer and, like Rarity, one of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony. However, very few, in fact absolutely none, guessed that besides all that, the supposedly 30-year-old mare was in fact an extraterrestrial being from a planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, and one of the many reasons no one had guessed was because nopony on the planet had even discovered that Betelgeuse even existed yet. But when she came to this planet and made herself part of it 15 years ago, she foolishly chose the name Applejack, not realizing that applejack was a popular alcoholic beverage. Luckily for her, it was only popular far up north, and she was far out of the vicinity of ponies that actually cared.

She walked up to Rarity, who was still scowling as she lay there in the mud. "Hello Rarity." She said with her thick country drawl. "Care to come over to Sweet Apple Acres for a glass of cider?"

Rarity stared at her, shocked. "I can't believe you're asking that. Can't you see the bulldozers that are about to knock down my house?"

"Well, you won't have to watch it while you're over at my house." Applejack said.

"You're usually more sensible than this, Applejack." Rarity said. "I don't want them to destroy my house."

"Well you can always ask them politely not to do it while you're away." Applejack said, trying not to make her panic obvious.

Rarity then got up and looked at the bulldozer operator.

"Have you come to your senses yet?" The bulldozer asked hopefully.

"No I haven't. But I'm going to get a drink of cider. Think you have the decency not to destroy my home while I'm away please. Neither of us is going anywhere." Said Rarity, who had somehow been fooled into thinking this was a good idea or made any sense.

Despite being very confused, the bulldozer operator went along with it, as he was very eager to get moving with bulldozing the house, so he agreed, and watched as both Rarity and Applejack walked off in the direction of sweet Apple Acres, the local apple orchard where Applejack lived.

"Do you trust him, dear?" Rarity asked.

"To the very end of Equestria." Applejack said calmly.

"Well when would that be?" Rarity asked in a teasing manner.

"About twenty minutes or so from now." Applejack said emotionlessly.

As some of you know, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy describes alcohol as a liquid with an intoxicating effect. It describes what the best alcoholic beverage in the Universe is, where the best of it is made, and the effects of it. It does not, however, list why someone might put alcohol in a glass of apple cider for a very important reason.

Ten minutes or so later, Rarity sat down at a table in Applejack's house while Applejack filled a glass with cider.

"Where is the rest of your family, Applejack?" Rarity asked.

"There's not home right now." Applejack said as she put a rather large glass full of cider right in front of Rarity.

"Uh, darling, this is a rather large glass, and I'm not very thirsty right now." Rarity said.

"You're going to want it now." Applejack said.

"Why's that?" Rarity asked.

"Because the world's about to end." Said Applejack. "You'll want to hurry too, because the world's about to end."

Rarity didn't know what to think, so she began to drink it down, and very nearly spit it out. "This is very strong." She said.

"It's a special recipe that you're going to need." Applejack said as she looked out the window

"I see. Have you received any word from Fluttershy yet?" Rarity asked.

Fluttershy had moved away with all her animals six months before, and no one had received any letters from her since.

Applejack shook her head, and then she sat down at the table with her. "Rare, what would you say if I happened to tell you that I was not from Sweet Apple Acres here, but in fact from a small planet in the vicinity of Betelgeuse?"

Rarity thought for a moment. "I don't know. Nopony has ever said anything like that to me. I'd probably think you were joking."

Applejack sighed. She needed to break this to her slowly, but she only had 10 minutes.

Rarity finished the glass of cider, and got a bit of a headache, as she felt dizzy. Suddenly, they heard a rumbling sound from about a mile away. "What's that?" she asked.

"Ah don't worry. They haven't started yet. That's probably just them bulldozing over your house." Applejack said as she looked up at the sky through the window.

Rarity immediately jumped up as she came to her senses. "Oh Celestia, you're right! They're bulldozing over Carousel Boutique! My home!" she began to run out of the house. "Stop! Vandals. Ruffians! Brutes!" her voice slowly faded into the distance.

"Rarity wait!" Applejack called as she ran after her.

"Stop! Stop! I'll kill you all for this! I'll cut you up to pieces! I'll sue your company for everything it owns! Then I'll…OH DEAR CELESTIA!" Rarity called as she ran and looked up to the sky

There were large spaceships blotting out most of the sky.

"Rarity wait! Stop!" Applejack said.

"What is that?" Rarity asked fearfully.

"A Vogon constructor fleet, now come on!" said Applejack hurriedly.

"This is Prostetic Vogon Jeltz. We are in the process of clearing out the path for a new galactic bypass, and regrettably, your planet is one scheduled for destruction." Said a partially metallic voice from one of the spaceships.

Horrified screams eruptedfrom the planet below.

"Rarity, hold on to me!" Applejack shouted.

"Now there's no point trying to complain now. The plans have been on display on the nearest inhabited moon for 50 of your years." said Jeltz.

There was a pause.

"Well what do you mean you didn't even know there was other life in the universe? How primitive are you ponies? Honestly, I've got no sympathy at all…"

There was a thunderous crash, and the screams quickly turned to silence.