Alfred F. Jones both loved his job, and hated it.

For one, he was able to use the full extent of his mental faculties and constantly live on the edge. On the other hand, he was always having to use all his mental faculties and was living dangerously.

It was exhilarating; sitting down at his desk and planning something that was a work of art in itself: a great crime that was untraceable to his modest apartment and shabby work desk; a crime which everyone was aware of because of its scale and tremendous complexity. Unfortunately, only his clients and those he'd dealt with in the past ever knew the genius behind the great scams that earnt them millions -even billions- of dollars that made him a respectable figure in the crime underworld.

Perhaps it was the lack of recognition that bothered him so. Or maybe it was because he was always in danger without it seeming like he actually was in danger. There was always a possibility that a great mind not unlike his own would unravel every strand of the web that made up his heists. But it seemed so unlikely as he sat with his cup of coffee at his stained desk by his beaten window.

Or maybe it was the boredom.

Yes, Alfred. F. Jones always had his convoluted schemes to occupy himself with...but it wasn't enough. Sometimes he wished for someone that could talk on his level. Someone who wasn't predictable. Someone interesting, not boring.

Oh, he could dream. But Alfred F. Jones didn't know that maybe today would be the day when his boredom would be assuaged by a fiery British detective, and when the danger became delightfully real.


Alfred F. Jones woke up as usual to the ringing of his quite annoying alarm clock; the one his Canadian half-brother insisted would be the only one to ever get him out of bed in time for school. Of course, Alfred was already long out of school, but he'd grown quite attached to it. But that didn't mean that he didn't want to smash it into bits that morning.

Alfred groaned as he flung himself at his alarm clock, falling out of his bed in his valiant attempt at vanquishing the devilish device. He let out an oof as he sat up on his floor, blanket tangled around his body. Alfred pulled himself to his feet, sleepily tucking his blanket around his form as he padded in the direction of the wondrous machine that gave him his life-sustaining cup of coffee every morning.

He stopped at the machine and went through the familiar motions while reading his to-do-list for the day that he'd written before going to bed the night before. His day was frustratingly clear; he hadn't had a lot of clients as of late, and the long-term heists he had going on were at the most boring of stages.

As Alfred sipped his lovely cup of coffee, he planned out what he was going to do all day. A visit to the bakery across the street from his apartment would be nice, he guessed. After that, it was probably going to be going to the mall and browsing through the game store for a video game that he hadn't beaten yet. Maybe he would even succumb to the part of the store he always avoided...the horror section. But most likely not. And then he would go to the park and jog his normal laps around the lake. And so on his plan continued, filled with time killers that would keep him occupied until his next big job.

His plan was a good one, Alfred thought as he yanked on a worn pair of jeans and a faded sky blue shirt. Just as great as all the ones he'd thought of days before. Definitely.

He grabbed his keys and smartphone as he loped out of his apartment, locking it behind him as he took a deep breath. Time to foray into the real world.

Alfred blinked at the sunlight as he left his building, his glasses slipping slightly as he walked across the road. The bakery he was headed to was one of Alfred's favourites; it had many kinds of sweet cakes that reminded him so much of the pastries back in Virginia. He adopted his usual charming smile as he entered the quaint bakery, smiling at the nice Hungarian woman behind the counter as he walked up to the display.

"Hello, 'Lizzy!" Alfred said, waving a hello as he bent down to choose his pastry of the day.

"Hi there Alfred! It's been a while. How have things been going for you?" The Hungarian woman smiled sneakily. "Did you find anyone you like?"

Alfred turned pink as he chose a tall chocolate cake and yanked out his wallet. "Everything's been going fine. Why do you ask?"

Elizaveta looked at him with a motherly expression on her face. "You're always so lonely! I know what can cheer you up!" She tapped Alfred's nose.

"What?" Alfred asked, bemused.

"There's an attractive looking man sitting by the window. Haven't I told you how that window seat seems to attract all kinds of single people?" Elizaveta took the cake out, handed it to Alfred, and made shooing motions with her hands in the man's direction.

"How do you know he see swings that way?" Alfred asked, suspicious.

"Well...you see, he came tottering in a few days back here when I was about to close up. He was piss drunk and I think he was muttering about the lack of attractive men in the city. He passed out here and I think he's going to become a daily customer," Elizaveta stated confidently. "He hasn't missed coming here in the morning a day since. He's a detective, you know. Isn't that cool?"

"Well, I guess the Hero can go and say hello!" Alfred tossed out a few bills and grabbed his cake before sauntering over to the table by the window where said man was sitting. A detective, huh...Well, Alfred was bored. If he was going to get rid of his boredom sometime, he was going to have to lean on the dangerous side. On Alfred's closer inspection, he was indeed attractive, having a messy bedhead of blond hair and eyes of a emerald green. He also possessed rather large eyebrows, but Alfred thought that they added character. As Alfred did his inspection, the man looked up with a scowl.

"Good morning. How may I help you?" the man stated, taking a sip of his tea.

"'Lizzy told me you're single and on the lookout for attractive men, so I thought I'd come over here and put an end to your journey!" Alfred stated confidently. The man was British! Alfred rather liked British accents.

"Sod off," the man muttered after giving Alfred a glance, looking out the window.

"Now hey, that's not nice! I came over here to keep you company on this obnoxiously sunny day and you go and tell me off!" Alfred plopped into the chair opposite the man. "I'm Alfred. And you are?"

"Will you leave me alone if I tell you?" the man inquired, a hint of a smile peeking through his annoyed facade.

"Obviously not. That would be too boring!" Alfred grinned, digging into his sizable cake slice.

"Alright then. I'm Arthur," the man said, a real smile on his face now.

"Well then Arthur. Do you have any plans for today?" Alfred winked at Arthur before inhaling the rest of his cake.

"I don't have any cases right now, so no," Arthur stated with a smirk as he downed the rest of his tea.

"Well then I suggest we go and do something together! Because I also don't got any plans!" Alfred cheered slightly at the end. At least the lack of clients looking to win some money had some use after all.

"Well, why not? Also, it's 'have,' not 'got.'" Arthur stated, gathering his cup and plate and gravitating toward the counter. "Thank you, Elizaveta. I heard you were responsible for setting this twat on me?" he asked, pointing a thumb at Alfred attempting to balance his dirty dishes on his head, shakily making his way to the counter amidst stares from the other customers in the bakery.

Elizaveta giggled a bit, taking the dishes from Arthur. "He's a sweetie. You'd like him."

Arthur glanced back just in time to see the dishes fall off Alfred's head and see him catch them, barely. "I guess so. I'll have my hands busy, I'm sure. Thanks for the effort."

Elizaveta smiled fondly. "Have fun, then!" She waved at Arthur and as he dragged the American out of the bakery, already lecturing him on proper conduct in public.


I may or may not continue this. It was posted with no planning, and it's a bit rushed at the end. I can't pull out more than a thousand and a few hundred words at a time. It'll probably depend on if I get any reviews.

I just wanted to write Alfred as a badass crime mastermind but then it evolved into something different from my original plan. That's probably why the beginning doesn't seem too connected to the rest. Sorry about that; I didn't want to change that because it was what inspired the rest, anyway.

Not beta-d, but I tried to fix mistakes!

I asked my friend how to end this, and she told me to end it with a bang.

So here you go.

BANG.