WARNING: Very dark themes, light smut, and strong language throughout story.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Marvel characters or story lines!
So...here I am. Here we are.
Friday has my life on record for you to devour later on. A little cheesy, isn't it? A goodbye video. Seems like something from a movie. Man, wouldn't it be cool to be part of a movie? Anyway, I'm not good at it - saying goodbye, or admitting to my feelings, or...not being a dick.
Pepper made me try therapy once, and it backfired miserably. It was worse for the doctor than me, though, I admit. Fell asleep before I even started. At least he didn't turn green. Later, you scolded me for using him, Pep, but that's what friends are for, right? Then, tell me, why is he gone, too? Why are you all...gone? Why the fuck am I sitting here in this empty lab alone, when you said you were staying? It's been three months since Siberia, Pep. Three months since Natasha called you and you actually came back, and I...
Nevermind. Isn't worth it. Let's just...let's just pick this up from this morning, huh?
"What are you doing, a little video diary?" I ask, trying to sound interested as Parker waves around his phone.
We're dropping him off back home. Happy's annoyed up front. I dunno, but if I was anything like this, I don't blame my dad anymore. Well, that's a lie. But you get me. Kids...not my thing.
"Yeah," Peter answers.
He sounds guilty, so I reassure him. "It's all right. I'd do the same thing."
Queue Happy as the bad cop.
"I told him not to. He was filming. I'm gonna wipe the chip."
"Okay." It doesn't really bother me. I'll have Friday confiscate it when he isn't paying attention. "Hey. You know what? We should make an alibi video for your aunt anyway," I suggest instead to humor the kid. "You ready?"
"An alibi?"
He sounds shocked. Also excited. Shit. What did I get myself into? Time to pull out the Stark charm, if I can manage. Push these stupid thoughts out of my head and give him a good time.
"Sure. Okay, we rolling? Get in the frame."
I think for just a split second on how I can make this awkward. Then, the words are pouring out easily.
"Hey, May. How you doing? What are you wearing? Something skimpy, I hope."
Too far? Yeah, that's probably too far. Now the kid hates me, too. Join the fuckin' club; we have t-shirts.
"Peter, that's inappropriate. Let's start over," I decide. "You can edit it. Three, two, one. Hey, May. My gosh, I wanted to tell you what an incredible job your nephew did..."
At what?! Shit. Uh. Wait, got it.
"...this weekend at the Stark internship retreat. Everyone...was impressed."
Happy slams on the breaks and I almost concuss myself by smacking into the seat in front of me.
"Come on!" I shout. "It's a freaking merge."
"I'm sorry," he says, but the tone is still there; this is what happens when you have the same driver as a friend for over and entire decade.
"This is because you're not on Queens Boulevard," I tease, then turn back to Parker. "See, Happy is hoping to get bumped up to asset management. He was forehead of security, before that he was a driver."
"That was a private conversation!" he argues.
Oops, pushed his buttons, too. On a roll today, aren't ya, Stark? Just wanna burn all the bridges before... I push the plans aside as he continues.
"I don't like joking about this. It was hard to talk about that."
Let's uh...let's take it further and pretend he's falling asleep at the wheel. He hates that.
"No, seriously, was he snoring a bunch?" I ask Parker, hoping he replays the video, but we're here now so it doesn't matter.
"Here we are," Happy announces, slamming on the breaks again. "End of the line."
He earns a glare from me. "Can you give us a moment?"
"Want me to leave?"
Uh, was it that fucking hard to understand? That's what 'give us a moment' means.
"Grab Peter's case out of the trunk," I try to say with as much kindness as I have left in my bones.
That excites the kid.
"I can keep the suit?"
I smile faintly, realizing I have no use for it as of today.
"Yes, we were just talking about it. Do me a favor, though. Happy's kind of your point guy on this. Don't stress him out. Don't do anything stupid. I've seen his cardiogram. All right?"
Yup, that's final. Done deal. Happy is his babysitter now.
"Yes," the kid agrees.
"Don't do anything I would do, and don't do anything I wouldn't do." I'm aware I'm not making sense, but I just checked my watch and after this we're on the way home, and I have one last thing to do.
"There's a little gray area in there," I continue, trying to leave him with a happy memory. "That's where you operate."
"Wait, does that mean I'm an Avenger?"
Okay, maybe too happy.
"No."
"This it?" Happy asks after tapping on the window.
Parker immediately offers his assistance. "I can take that. You don't have to."
"You'll take it?" Hogan repeats; I never offer, so this is like Christmas for him...another thing I suck at, I suppose.
"Yeah, I can take that," the kid confirms.
"Thank you."
Then he turns back to me as Happy goes back to the driver's seat. What, does he expect a goodbye kiss? That'd be...weird, right?
"So when's our next...when's our next "retreat," you know?" he asks awkwardly.
"What, next mission?"
"Yeah, the mission."
"We'll call you."
"Do you have my number?"
Damn, this kind thinks of everything!
"No, I mean, we'll call you. Like, someone will call you. All right?"
"From your team?"
Okay, I'm bored. I'll just open his door for him and shove him out and then I can wrap this up. Only when I reach over him, he pats my back; the fuck, kid? This isn't family bonding time.
"Okay. All right. It's not a hug," I point out, starting to get irritated. "I'm just grabbing the door for you. We're not there yet."
I guess I hesitate for a minute, but I just briefly think about how he doesn't know. He doesn't have any idea. Shit, gotta say something, at least.
"Bye."
And then we're driving. And he's visible through the back window momentarily as he pulls the case toward the steps into his apartment building. For a moment, my stomach tightens. He could've been family. Could've been...I don't know, a kid? Not my son. But, a smaller...Stark...or something. Pepper would've liked that. Wouldn't you have, Pep?
So, long story short, now I'm back at Stark Tower, Happy's back to making sure everything gets packed up and sent to the new Avenger's facility, and I've just about finished up this monologue. If you're still listening, there's not much left for me to say. I've lost it all, and it was my fault. Did I mention that? I mean, it really started with New York. And then I pushed Pepper away, and Jarvis...was mutated and destroyed. Rhodey's fine, I guess, but no thanks to Cap and his guys. Who are also gone, in case I didn't mention that either. One thing that isn't gone? The nightmares. The restlessness. The feeling that half the world hates me for being Iron Man. Yeah. Fun stuff. It's just...empty. And vacant. And there's so much pain that I'm just...numb. But, enough of the gushy stuff...I don't need to bore you with that.
If I had to uh...if I had to sum things up... Hell, I don't even know what I'd say. Should I have famous last words? Or like, a catchphrase? I mean, the last cool thing I said was Underoos. Yeah, don't put that on my tombstone.
I guess... I guess all that needs to be said from here is... Well, I snatched this case of F-58 Vinarium Synthate from eye patch a while back when we were with SHIELD. Originally to keep in case New York had a sequel - you know, something other than a nuclear bombto win the fight. But, Friday ran a test on this, and if she calculated it right, two doses should be more than enough to make sure I don't wake up. Ever. And you know the funny thing? I don't even mind it. Death. Saying goodbye. Beating the nightmares. In fact, as I'm rolling up my sleeve and carefully picking out the vein in my arm, I feel...calm. Maybe it's just the last bit of daylight shining through that's having that effect on me...who knows.
The world deserves some time without Tony Stark. Without me here to fuck it up. To waste more lives. Happy has the kid now, even though he pretends not to like it. The Avengers...don't exist. Pepper, you...don't need me. You'll probably hate me at first, more than you already do, but I know you'll get over it and forget about me in no time...you'll understand. You are so strong and just, really an incredible woman and the only one who can efficiently run Stark Industries while simultaneously keeping it out of the tabloids. And I'm just...really sorry that I never realized that when-
"Tony?"
Friday, pause. Pause! I think I said that out loud. Shit.
"Tony, Happy said you put the kid on him, and you know he can't handle that with his-"
Her voice stops instantly. Shit. I spin around in my seat, and it's Pepper. Pepper, right here and in front of me, at the most inconvenient time.
"Is that...?" she asks, and I forget I'm still holding the syringe. "You still have that? Tony, that's dangerous. You know that's enough to..."
Her eyes flicker from the case next to me to the desktop displaying the camera feed Friday had established to the needle by my arm and she inhales sharply. She's focused on the object in my hand as her mouth hangs slightly ajar. Realization is flowing over her face. I swallow, hard, and yup, here we go, time to panic. What the hell do I say this time? No, she wasn't supposed to...she was supposed to hear it from someone else, not witness it. I advert my gaze, sighing in frustration as I stare at the floor.
"You should go," I try.
She raises a foot, I guess to come console me, but then stops herself. She's worried advancing might backfire. I can hear it in her voice...the concern, the panic, the urgency...
"Tony, I need you to drop the serum," she states calmly, and I look back to my hand.
I'm still holding it just above my skin, and suddenly the idea is making my heart thump faster. Staring at it doesn't help; my ears are ringing, I forget to breathe... My stomach drops, heavy; there's that overwhelming feeling of guilt flooding back, but also the darkness...the loneliness. Fuck, even Tony Stark feels. You might not think so, but I'm not 100% a dick. Have I heard that somewhere before? Why is this what I'm thinking about? Maybe to get my mind off it. Off of her, off of the happiness we had, off of how it all changed. This is like one of my anxiety attacks, but ten times worse. I can't focus.
"Tony, please." She uses my name again.
I can't do it. I can't make myself... Not with her here. So I suddenly drop it, and the needle bounces off of the concrete floor with an echo. My hands are shaking and I stare at them instead of the floor, and I can't think. I can't feel myself move. I'm breathing rapidly all of a sudden. I'm Tony Stark. I'm Iron Man. I'm...a coward. I failed them. I failed her. And Rhodey, and Happy, and the kid... And if she didn't walk in...
I look up and my eyes are wildly searching for her familiar face.
"Happy?!" she's yelling, and then she's running full force at me. "Happy, get Rhodey! Get...anyone. I need you to call the hospital, now, and..."
She's on her knees now, and she's pulled me out of the chair and onto the floor, and I can't move. I'm her doll and I'm in a trance. My face is buried in her chest and I can feel her heart beat and her familiar lemon scent comes flooding through my nose and then it gets me.
Shit. What is this. Why do my eyes sting? Why can't I control this? And then I realize she's crying, and she's holding me so hard I don't think I can breathe correctly as she frantically uses her hands to try to pull me closer. And I think I'm crying too. Shut up, it happens.
"Oh God, Tony," she sobs, and she's kissing my hair possessively as she talks into it. "What did you do?! Tony, please." She's begging. "I need you to tell me. Did you...did you do anything?!"
I try to open my mouth to answer, but I can't. I cough and try to manage this awful feeling. I didn't even cry in Siberia. But with her...God, I made a horrible mistake. I force myself to react somehow, and I bury my wet nose further into her torso and hold onto her forearms with my hands. I'm probably holding too tight, but I don't think it matters.
"You're so stupid," she continues, and now we're rocking gently. "So, so stupid. Why'd you do that?!" And now I hear her call for Happy again. "Hogan, NOW! Where are you?! Friday? Friday!"
"Yes, Miss Potts?" I hear the AI respond, and for once, I don't care if Pepper over rides it.
"Call 911. Now!"
I shut my eyes tightly and officially collapse in a crying mess in her lap, but I refuse to move my hands from her. I need to touch her, to feel her... Fuck, I don't deserve her at all. What's wrong with me?
"I'm here." She's whispering and stroking my hair now. "Tony, I'm here. It's okay. I promise, I'm not going anywhere. We're okay. You'll be okay. God, please be okay..."
It hurts. It hurts to hear.
"You're such a fucking idiot," she swears, and I know she's more mad at me than ever. "Why didn't you call me?! I love you. You know that, don't you? Is this...is this my fault? This is...it's me, it's-"
I finally find my voice, but it's barely there.
"No," I whisper, and she sucks in more air and immediately shoved me back into a sitting position, her hands on either side of my face.
I can't look at her, I...just can't. Not like this. Not this...fragile. But she makes me. And the second I see her red eyes, I hate myself even more.
"You need to talk to me, Tony!" she begs, her shoulders shaking as she cries out what she can. "We're gonna...we're gonna fix this, all right? We'll talk, and we'll figure this out and I'll do better, I-"
"It's not your fault," I tell her and try to fight back any more water from my own eyes by biting down on my lower lip. "I'm sorry, Pep. I'm so sorry."
She stares at me and I'm still trembling and then, she's ferociously kissing me. She's refusing to let me go, but it's exactly what I need, and when she releases me, she brings me back into her arms and rocks us back and forth again.
"It's just all gone, Pep. Everything," I start to pour out before the thoughts even enter my brain. "I'm so lost. And you're not here. And everything you said about the suits, and about us...it was true...and...and I can't do it. I can't..I..."
I have no idea what the hell I'm saying. I can hear footsteps coming down the hallway. They're running. Probably Happy and a unit from the hospital down the street. Shit. I don't want to move. I just want her.
"Okay," she answers, taking it in. "Okay. We can work with that."
Then, the door opens. Cool air rushes over us.
"Here!" Pepper yells, and then I'm being wrenched from her arms.
"What happened?!" Happy is yelling at me as he helps lay me down on their stretcher, but I can't face him.
She answers for me and I see her faintly fall into his hug; her hands are covering her face and I feel his eyes rest on me.
"I...I don't know. I came down, and he was...oh God, Happy, I think he was trying to..."
I can barely hear it. I'm not feeling well. All of this...this meltdown. This...tantrum? It's too much. And I'm fading out from fatigue from the anxiety attack fast...but, better than forever, right?
Sometime later, I'm conscious. It's foggy. I haven't tried to open my eyes yet. But I can hear the ongoing situation in the room. There's a pain in my hand...shit, is that an IV? Great.
"We have to keep this out of the press," I hear Pepper insist.
Her voice is cracking and sounds raw. How long has she been talking? Or...was she still crying? I manage to turn my head to the side, but I don't think anyone notices, because they're still talking.
"Got it. No one in or out. Rhodes is doing damage control."
Rhodey? They called Rhodey, too? In his condition? He only just figured out how the hell to walk on those new legs of his.
"Thank you, Happy," Pepper answers, sounding defeated.
There's a pause, then I hear them shift. I guess they're hugging. Or walking. Not sure. My head's still spinning so it's hard to tell.
Hogan speaks up first. "We'll find out more when he wakes up. Try to relax until then."
"That's the point, Happy!" she cries, and I can hear the tears dropping like a pin in my mind. "This was so...unexpected. He didn't want to wake up. All of this...this whole Iron Man thing almost killed him, and not in the way I thought it would."
"I know."
"He's just...he's Tony Stark. He's...crazy, and eccentric, and determined, and... He doesn't give up, Happy. He just doesn't."
"I know," he repeats; it's obvious he doesn't know how to respond...but who can blame him?
"I shouldn't have left..." Pepper whispers, and I want to reach out to her more than anything but I'm still too groggy.
"It's not your fault."
Then, his phone rings. I recognize that ringtone anywhere. Probably the kid. Or the move...shit, I forgot they started moving this week.
"I have to take this," he says. "Are you gonna be okay for a few minutes?"
I assume she nods, because then there's shuffling, and silence. Have they both gone? Should I try to open my eyes? I still feel loopy...maybe that'll help deal with the hell fire they're about to rain down on me.
Slowly, I squint one open and take in the light. My head is still on it's side from a few minutes before and I'm facing what looks like a hallway. Am I in the hospital? Yeah. Not the Tower. Not SHIELD or whatever they're called now. Shit, this is gonna be bad. What'd she tell them?
Then I remember the recording. Fuck. Did she watch it already? How long have I been out?
As my other eye opens, I see her. And she's slumped against the wall, sitting in the floor with her head in her hands. She's in sweats. And...my Black Sabbath shirt? Interesting. She's usually never that casual, even when she was still living with me... I watch her through the glass, trying desperately to focus. She's shaking...she's crying again. I swallow and blink slowly; it's the only thing I can manage right now.
And then, someone walks past her, placing their hand on her shoulder as they go to gain her attention. She looks up, wipes her tears, and nods at them. Must be a doctor checking in. Then they leave, and her eyes level with mine through the glass. She's expressionless. Should I smile? Should I look away? Or pretend to go back to sleep?
Then, she heaves a heavy sigh of relief and she's taking a deep breath. And she's walking back to me. In a hurry. Here it comes. If I wasn't dead before, I am now.
She comes in and I open my mouth slightly to try to speak, but she hushes me as she sits in the seat and pulls it up to my bedside.
"Don't push yourself. They sedated you to run some tests," she tells me.
Okay, so that explains the shooting pain in my lungs and the needles running through my arm. At least there isn't a fucking shiny metal circle in my chest again.
Pepper sounds too calm when she continues.
"Rhodey's working on a statement. I talked them out of locking you up, Tony. They just think it was an attempted experiment. We're taking you home in a few days. But you're under house arrest and bed rest. I can guarantee that."
I manage to smirk and grunt some kind of amused noise out, followed by, "please tell me you'll be playing cop."
I mean, hell, what an incredible thought. Pepper. Spandex, maybe? Latex? Black cat suit. Handcuffs. If I wasn't so drugged I'd take it further...or if her face wasn't a hard, emotionless line. So I wipe the smirk off my own and wait for her next move.
My eyes are closed and I turn my head back to the ceiling and away from her, waiting impatiently. The room is too silent. But now I feel her hand interlace with mine, and I let out the breath I was holding. She squeezes, and I try to do it back, but it's hard with the needle poking me.
"Why didn't you call me?" she finally asks.
I blink my eyes open as her hand brushes my hair off my forehead. Great. Here we go with this again.
"You wouldn't have cared," I tell her honestly, staring at the tiles above me.
"Of course I do." I can tell she's on the verge of tears again. "Tony, I never stopped caring. I just...you're a handful sometimes, you know? I needed a break."
"You came back, let me fuck you like everything was back to normal, and then you left again," I point out, remembering coming home from Siberia, but realize too soon that sounds more like blaming her than anything. "I didn't mean that."
She pauses. "I had to deal with a family issue."
I turn my head back to her. "Family? Since when do you have family."
She furrows her eyebrows at my rude comment. I deserve it.
"Since I was born. Just because my father's gone and my mother and I don't keep in touch doesn't mean the rest of them don't exist."
She's right. Guess I'm just used to the idea of not having any. It's normal to me by now.
"Good thing we never got married, then. They definitely wouldn't approve of me"
It's funny. Isn't it? Apparently not. Because now she's back to crying. Shit.
"I watched it, Tony," she tells me in between huffs.
The video. Shit. Of course she saw it. I really need to figure out how long I've been out. Couldn't be that long. I don't feel like I need a shave...so maybe only a day or two?
"How long?" she asks quietly.
"What?"
She breathes in. "How long were you...this was planned, wasn't it?"
I can't face her when I tell her. She's going to hate me even more. I'm honestly surprised she's still here.
"Since Siberia. Since...you left the lab that day we got back," I admit.
I can feel her jerk up my hand and I turn back to her finally to witness her lips pressing against my hand as she clutches it in both of hers. They're cold, but her mouth is warm, just like I remember it.
"I'm here now," she mumbles into my skin and I sigh.
"Don't do that."
"Don't do what?" she asks, looking up but not letting me hand go.
"Stay because I said that. Pepper, how many times have we been here now? Don't spite me. Don't pity me."
"I don't pity you!" she gasps, her hands clenching mine tighter, making me wince in pain from the IV. "Tony, I had no idea...about more than half of it. We haven't spoken...you left me out of a lot. And yeah, I asked for that. But...there's some things you need to tell me, okay? Even if we're fighting, or if I tell you not to bother me. Tony, if this is what you're feeling..."
"It was a mistake, okay?" I snap, then instantly soften up and feel guilty.
"Tony, you had Friday record a suicide note!"
"I know," I admit again. "But, Pep-"
"You can't talk your way out of this one, Stark."
"Pepper, listen to me."
"I mean, it all makes sense. The alcohol, the nightmares...but..."
God, is she stubborn.
"It's selfish. And childish," I tell her after she ends her interruptions. "Things just...haven't been easy since New York."
"I know," she soothes, playing with my hair again, and it sends shivers down my weak body. "I heard everything. Everything you said."
I force a slight smile, even though it's tough to fake it right now. "Even the parts about those times in bed and the-"
She cuts me off, finally breaking down into a giggle, though her sobs are still slightly rocking her. My hand is wet with her tears, but I don't even notice.
"Trust me, I don't forget," she informs me, and that warms my heart, sort of, I think.
Now it's a genuine smile, hers and my own, and I can't take my eyes off of her. God, how I've missed her.
"I'm so sorry, Pepper," I say sincerely, though I'm still grinning warmly at her.
"It's okay," she sighs. "We'll figure it out, okay? But you have to promise to talk to me."
I nod slightly as the feeling starts returning to the rest of me and I realize the sedation is wearing off. She lets her shoulders drop in relief at my response, and it urges me to be honest for once.
"It's like... It's like I can't breathe, Pep. All the time."
She's watching me, listening, and I suddenly feel nervous about explaining. I've never been good with feelings. Still, I continue.
"There's no motivation. No energy. I thought...I thought when you came to see me, things would be different. But...it was just like that for so long. First the anxiety attacks, then the Extremis shit, and Jarvis and Ultron, and Rhodey. Siberia," I add with disgust. "Pepper, I lost everyone. And maybe...I'm trying to make up for that by helping Parker, I think. He's got skill, but I could've picked anyone, and we both know that."
She smiles again, probably remembering a fight we had about having kids a while back. It crosses my mind a lot these days.
"I thought I was here for a reason, Pep. After Afghanistan...but I just keep doing damage."
"No, you don't," she insists, but I shake my head in defiance. "You might make mistakes, but we learn from them."
"I've killed people, Pepper. Whether I meant to or not. And I didn't want to live with that. It changed me; you said so yourself."
"That never meant I wanted you to kill yourself, Tony!" she cries, her face scrunched up again in more concern than before.
"I know," I reassure her. "But I couldn't take any more, Pep. It hurt. It hurt to think, to go out and pretend to be functioning every day. It's like this exhaustion you can't shake. And I didn't care anymore, about the move or about the shit Parker was nagging me about...and that was important shit. And then I realized it when the Accords came into play...you all would be better off without me. The Stark family is just poison to the rest of the world."
"That's not true and you know it," she tells me. "You're not your father."
She's right, but who cares? That's what everyone else thinks.
"You think Rhodey would still be hurt if I wouldn't have been so selfish?" I ask, starting to get frustrated again; it shows on my heart monitor.
"Things happen for a reason, Tony," she answers, avoiding the question. "No one's mad at you. No one hates you. You might be a major pain in my ass more than often, but I want-I need you here. With me. Safe and alive."
I smirk again, thinking that statement over. "I guess you got what you want, then, Pep. As far as I know, I'm still breathing."
"I think there was a reason I was there when I needed to be, yes," she agrees, almost too quickly. But then she dismisses it. "I love you, but sometimes I question the credibility behind your 'genius'."
I look her over, trying to figure her out, but she's a mystery to me once again. It's too bad, too, because then a doctor is walking into the room, and I'm about to be questioned about this that and the other thing. Questioning Pepper will have to wait until later.
