Yes, I know this isn't Unstuck. I don't know when the next chapter to that is coming (it is coming, I've just hit the mother of all slumps writing it). In the meantime, to loosen my creative slump when it comes to Gravity Falls, here is an adaption of one of my personal favourite stories.
Foreword
What's the best alien invasion story? Well, let's be fair, that's a subjective thing - everybody has their own tastes with must be respected, even if it's something terrible like Skyline. I'm not sorry.
Anyway, in my opinion, the best alien invasion story isn't anything like Independence Day (entertaining as that film is) or anything big and modern like that. No, sir, I prefer something a little more 'classic'. My favourite alien invasion story is The War of the Worlds.
There are a few reasons for this. Partially it's because H. G. Wells is my English literature waifu. Partially it's the setting - the comfortable, middle-class Edwardian landscape of Middle England in the 1900s being torn to pieces in excruciating detail, and meanwhile we've got old-style artillery pieces and torpedo rams and men in spiked hats talking about underground cities. Partially it's how it's a criticism of the genocidal aspects of imperialism long before that was The Done Thing.
But I think the main this is just how real it all feels. It's not the typical 'humans win through good old grit and smarts' story. Despite the book's title, it's not even a war. It tells us what would probably really happen if aliens with interplanetary travel picked a fight with the human race - it would be like a four-year-old in a cage match with the Hulk. Reading the book, or watching/listening to the various adoptions, fills you with this real sickening dread when the tripods appear, because you know they can't even be slowed down, never mind stopped. (Unless it's Thunder Child. Even then, that's literally the only success the humans have and it's only a local one).
As I said, this dread is maintained in all the adoptions. Even in the 2005 film, in which we are expected to believe that Tom Cruise is the only competent human being in New Jersey, the scenes where we see the Martians at work are deeply disturbing. (Although the whole incinerating people but not clothes thing is a bit goofy.)
Everybody and their dog has adapted The War of the Worlds. Since my thing is awful fanfiction, I thought I'd give it a go for that genre. Because this is totally what the world needs.
For those who aren't familiar with the source material and don't have the means to buy the book, I'd highly recommend looking up Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds. It's on YouTube, shouldn't take too long to find it. Basically, it's the book adapted as a rock opera. It's as awesome as it sounds. But if you're up to speed, then I won't hold you up any longer.
Fair warning; The War of the Worlds is not a happy tale. There will be blood. (I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE. DRAAAAAAAAAAINAGE.) By the end of this, some of you may think I am a monster. To which I say...um...sorry.
Enjoy!
I: The Eve of War
Two possibilities exist - we are alone in the universe, or we are not. Both are equally terrifying. - Arthur C. Clarke
Nobody would have believed, in the early years of the twenty-first century, that human affairs were being watched from the timeless void of space. Nobody would have fathomed that they may have been scrutinised as a man with a telescope might study the creatures that swarm and multiply within a drop of water. Few even considered the possibility of life on other planets, and even when they did, it was only in the realm of fantastic speculation in film and novels.
And yet, millions of miles away, intellects vast and cool and unsympathetic, regarded this Earth with envious eyes, and slowly and surely, they drew their plans against us.[1]
The late twenty-tens were a time of great disillusionment and apathy, a reaction to the great upheavals of the previous years. Leaders preferred to focus on party agendas than on scientific endeavour, and as a result the great telescopes and satellites observing the stars were allowed to fall into disarray. When, one night, a series of bright green flares suddenly erupt from Mars, they were first observed by amateurs and private individuals - it was only an hour later that NASA was able to begin its own observations.
On that warm and pleasant night towards the end of May, Doctor Kelvin Ogilvy[2] was observing the strange flares from his observatory in Northern Oregon - on this occasion, he was by chance accompanied by Doctor Stanford Filbrick Pines, a genius inventor and scientist who had come to his observatory for a lecture Ogilvy had performed earlier. Ford, as he was known to all, had seen far more than most, and the flares made him distinctly uneasy. Dr. Ogilvy, of course, had nothing at all like Ford's experiences with the unknown, and his rational mind refused to contemplate an unnatural origin to the phenomena.
"You need not worry, my good man," he said good-naturedly, "The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one."
He would repeat these words, again and again, as he corresponded with Ford over the next fortnight. In this time, the flares failed to disappear - in fact, they seemed to be coming closer and closer to the Earth. Ford fretted and worried, but Ogilvy was utterly convinced that there was no danger - indeed, the idea of examining these objects as they passed near to Earth excited him greatly.
It was the fifth night of June when they finally came. Eighteen of them crashed to Earth in various parts of the globe, concentrated in the territories of the Great Powers of the time - the United States, Russia and China, with a few others in Germany and India. They landed mostly in areas of limited population, and in America most were not even discovered until morning.
At this point in our narrative, dear reader, we find it necessary to slow down and set the scene of the oncoming calamity. It is just after daybreak on the sixth of June in the year twenty seventeen, and Doctors Ogilvy and Pines are hurrying to inspect a landed object in a clearing between the towns of Gravity Falls and Horshell...
"Quickly now, Doctor Pines, before the police arrive!"
Stanford Pines followed Doctor Kelvin Ogilvy up the rise, bound for the clearing atop the hill. It was still mostly dark - the sun was starting to peak over the pine trees and the sky was a deep red. The English astronomer was rather spry for his advanced age and unathletic occupation, Ford noted, but he had no trouble keeping up.
The green shooting star had come down about a mile north of Gravity Falls, unnoticed by most in the town. Ogilvy hoped to recover whatever had landed before anyone else arrived - he speculated that he might be dealing with rocks and minerals from the depths of space, and he wanted to bring it home for study at the first opportunity.
The excitable astronomer crested the ridge, leaning down and panting heavily as he surveyed the clearing. Ford followed close behind, gazing down into the open land towards the crater.
The crater had been formed roughly in the middle of the crater. Roughly fifty yards across, the hole in the earth was still smoking - the fumes were tinged an eerie green, and within the haze Ford could just about make out the shape of a cylinder. It had buried itself deep in the earth, and he wondered just how much of the strange device he couldn't see.
"Come now, let's get closer," said Ogilvy, rubbing his hands together.
"I'm not sure that's a good idea, Doctor Ogilvy," replied Ford, his face stern, "We have no way of knowing what's really in that crater..."
"Have you no sense of scientific endeavour, Doctor Pines?" scoffed Ogilvy, "We're not exactly going to touch it - just get a closer look."
He marched forward, grinning. Ford sighed.
"Was I like this when I was younger?" he asked himself, shaking his head as he followed Ogilvy.
As they approached, the smoke began to disappear, blown away by the wind. Ford could now properly identify the cylinder. It was a reddish brown, tall and foreboding, simmering in the light of the dawn. It glowed slightly from intense heat. As for what the structure was made of, Ford could not begin to ascertain a guess - only that it was certainly not a natural creation. A sense of growing dread filled him as he and Ogilvy came closer.
"I think this is far enough," he declared, holding out an arm to stop Ogilvy's advance.
Ogilvy huffed but took Ford's advice.
"What do you suppose it is?" he asked, crossing his arms.
"Trouble," replied Ford, "Trust me."
"Perhaps..." Ogilvy licked his drying lips, "Perhaps this is first contact? Perhaps it is some alien envoy?"
Ford open to his mouth, but was stopped by a dreadful, screeching grinding.
He turned to the cylinder, and both men's eyes widened as they saw the top of the cylinder begin to move. It rotated, painfully slowly in counter-clockwise, and a hissing sound filled the air.
"Good lord," whispered Ogilvy, "Somebody must be inside."
He rushed forward unconsciously and quickly regretted it. The heat from the cylinder was intense, and he was forced to step back again almost instantly before he was burnt. He mopped his brow and turned to his companion.
"My god," he breathed, "We...we must alert the authorities! There must be somebody who can handle this, surely!"
Ford pursed his lips.
"I doubt that, Ogilvy," he replied, "Look, if anybody turns up, keep them away from the mouth of the crater. I need to head back to my lab and grab a few notes. Maybe I can get an idea of what we're dealing with here."
"You're leaving me alone?" exclaimed Ogilvy.
"Look, Doctor," said Ford, pointing at the unscrewing lid of the cylinder, "That thing will take hours to open fully. I have time to head home and back. You'll be alright."
Ogilvy swallowed and nodded.
"Two hours, then," he said, "I can't guarantee I'll be able to stop people from gathering, mind."
"Just don't let them touch the cylinder!" called Ford, racing for the edge of the clearing, "I'll be right back."
He broke into a jog, wiping sweat from his brow as he raced back towards Gravity Falls.
At 6am, as Ford passed back into the limits of Gravity Falls, the township began to open for business as usual. The morning freight passed through along the railway line, bound for the lumber mills over the border in Washington. The diner, the post office and the various small shops unlocked their doors. All seemed safe and tranquil.
The only sign of disturbance came in the morning news programme, as the first reports of cylinders arriving to Earth funnelled in.
"...I'm Shandra Jimenez. Our top story tonight; strange cylinders from outer space have landed across the United States. The objects were first discovered this morning in the township of Grover's Mill, New Jersey[3] - other landings have been since been confirmed on both coasts including in our very own Gravity Falls. Reporters have already interviewed Professor Richard Pierson[4] of SETI about the landings, and we will be showing you what he said momentarily. For now, we go to our cameras in the Horshell Clearing..."
[1] Most of this comes from the original text with some nods to the Jeff Wayne version - it's just too iconic an opening to change too much, quite frankly.
[2] First name taken from Lord Kelvin, a British scientist who claimed that we'd never have heavier-than-air vehicles and that the study of physics was over five years before Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Not an idiot, he just had a habit for making wonky predictions.
[3] Orson Welles reference.
[4] Orson Welles reference again.
AN: And there's our start! Sorry about the footnotes.
