Author's Note: Everything about this one-shot makes me laugh. I hope you enjoy it, too.


The library at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was quiet.

Marseille Zabini, who rarely had two words to say to anyone other than the idiots he grew up with, enjoyed the silence very much. Unfortunately, his companions disrupted the peace - as usual.

"Here we are," said Athena, appearing next to Parvartus, who was currently wobbling under the load of books in his arms. "Oh!" said Athena. "I've just thought of one more – it's going to really help – can you take those to the table, Parvartus?"

"Su – Sure," said the Hufflepuff, flashing Athena a shaky smile as he struggled.

"Are you sure you've got it?" asked Athena, brows furrowed.

"Definitely," said Parvartus, his voice cracking.

Athena beamed and then turned to hurry down the aisle. As soon as she was out of sight, Parvartus stumbled over to their table and dumped the books on to it all at once, heaving as he did so. Marseille looked up.

"You're pathetic," he informed Parvartus dryly. Parvartus made a face.

"Shut up," he muttered, face flushed. He gathered up the books and stacked them across from Marseille just as Athena re-appeared, taking her seat across from Marseille as she opened her newest book. Parvartus took a seat next to her.

"And now that I have these," said Athena, "I can give you back the book I borrowed from you, Parvartus." She handed it over to him with a smile. "Thanks for loaning it to me!"

"No problem," said Parvartus happily. Marseille leaned forward and furrowed his brows.

"You loaned her your Defense Against the Dark Arts textbook? Why?"

"She wanted to read it," said Parvartus. "She's already gone through the Second Year one."

"Now I just need to find a fourth year's," said Athena, looking around, as if she might spot someone at that very moment. "I want to read them ALL before next year."

"Nerd," muttered Marseille, looking back at his homework.

Athena wasn't listening; she was already reading a new book. Marseille looked over. "Didn't your Mum and Dad tell you not to read about necromancy anymore?"

Athena turned a page. "What they don't know won't hurt them. Besides, it's all purely theoretical."

"And," mentioned Parvartus, "she's also agreed to not try and sneak into the Restricted Section anymore. Isn't that right, Athena?"

Marseille snorted at Athena's innocent smile, which Parvartus totally bought.

Athena returned to her reading, and a few minutes later, she shivered. Despite being twelve years old, she was still rather small, and she grew cold easily. Parvartus noticed, and he pulled off his own cloak, wrapping it around her shoulders.

"Thanks," said Athena, curling into the cloak with a pleased hum.

Marseille made a nasally noise of disgust, and Athena kicked him under the table. He kicked her back, and the two had a furious squabble before a brutish Slytherin prefect leaned over and shushed them. Marseille and Athena both returned to their respective seats with bruised shins.

"Eugh," said Athena. "Rosier is the worst. Good thing I told the Sorting Hat not to put me in Slytherin."

"What?" snapped Marseille, suddenly livid. "You mean you could have been in Slytherin with me, and you chose not to?"

"I wanted to be in Ravenclaw," said Athena hotly. "I like it better, and it's closer to the library! I didn't want to be in the bloody dungeons!" She moved one book aside and looked at another. "What do you care, anyway?"

"I don't," hissed Marseille. "I hate you."

Athena picked up a book to throw at him, but Parvartus pulled down her hand without even looking up from his homework. Athena huffed and let the book drop.

"I just – " said Marseille, before scowling. "It would be easier if I wasn't on my own."

"Why?" asked Parvartus, looking concerned. "Is it that Evans boy again? The fourth year?"

Marseille made a face at his homework. "Yes," he muttered. And then he said quietly, "He called my mother a whore."

Parvartus and Athena gasped. "Did you murder him?" asked Athena, eyes blazing.

"No," said Marseille with a sigh. "There was a teacher there." He paused before going on glumly, "Plus I don't know any murder spells."

Parvartus paused before adding, "Not to mention the fact that murder is illegal." He eyed them both. "Concerns me a bit that I always have to remind you two of that."

Athena waved her hand dismissively. "Parvartus, did you not hear what Marseille said? We can't let that stand! We have to make Evans pay!"

"I know that you stupid ginger, shut up!" snapped Marseille, and this time Athena did manage to throw a pot of ink at him, which he dodged. It hit someone else instead, and the trio fell silent as the fifth-year Gryffindor looked around, bewildered.

Finally, Marseille leaned forward and asked in a hushed voice, "So? What are we going to do?" He clenched his hands. "Evans needs to learn a lesson, and painfully. My vote is for cutting off the tips of all his fingers."

Athena tapped her chin. "That would definitely make an impression."

Parvartus sighed. "Look, you can't just go and attack Evans. He'll only go to the teachers and tell them what you did. You'll get in trouble."

"Parvartus is right," said Athena. "Physical damage is temporary, and it can be traced back to us. What we need is something that really sticks – like psychological trauma."

"That," said Parvartus warily, "is not at all what I said."

"Psychological trauma," mused Marseille. "I like it. What's your idea?"

Athena fell silent as she mused, her eyes scanning the various books piled on their table. At last, her eyes fell on the text she'd borrowed from Parvartus.

Then, her eyes lit up, and a devious grin split her features as she leaned forward, eyes twinkling, and whispered, "I've got it."


That same evening, fourth-year Slytherin Malachi Evans awoke to find himself not at all where he'd gone to sleep. In fact, he wasn't even in the same room. Instead of being in his dormitory, he was in an old, unused classroom.

And he was chained to a wall.

Jerking against the restraints, Evans let out a curse. "What in the hell – "

"Well, well," came a voice, and Evans looked up to see two figures sitting on a high swing close to the ceiling. "Look who's awake."

The older boy squinted. "Zabini?" he called out incredulously, before looking to the other figure. "And Malfoy? What the – Let me out of here!"

Athena tilted her head at Evans below them, kicking her feet where she sat on the swing. "Look, Marseille," she said, pointing. "He's not even scared yet!"

"That will change," said Marseille, smirking.

Evans glared at them. "I swear to Merlin, you two weirdos better let me out! Now!"

"Or what?" growled Marseille, leaning over his knees.

"I'll – "

Across the classroom, something rattled in a wardrobe. Evans stopped, his eyes narrowed. "What's in there?" The wardrobe rattled again.

Marseille's lips curled in a smirk. "No idea." He turned to his companion. "Athena, do you think we should see?"

"Certainly," said Athena, pulling out her wand. She cast a quick charm at the wardrobe, and the door unlocked, swinging open slowly. A long creak echoed through the room. Evans looked at the dark armoire with increasing anxiety.

That was when a set of razor-sharp claws appeared on the end of a massive paw, stepping out of the wardrobe. A low growl sounded through the room, and out of the darkness came a large feral creature with a human-like head, the body of a lion, and a great large stinger on its tail.

"Whoa!" said Marseille, yanking up his feet.

Evans's jaw dropped. "YOU LET A BLOODY MANTICORE IN HERE?" he screamed, throwing himself against the wall so that his chains rattled. "ARE YOU MAD?"

"Me?" said Marseille. "No. Her? Maybe." Athena shrugged.

"Oh, please, please," babbled Evans, even as the lethal manticore advanced on him, jaws dripping with saliva. "Get it out of here – "

"I don't think so, Evans," said Marseille, his words low and dark, "Not until you've learned your lesson."

"Oh, Merlin, please – "

"Now all you have to do to survive this encounter," went on Marseille, eyes narrowed, "is apologize for insulting my family."

The manticore walked a slow circle, eyes never leaving Evans as the older boy began to cry hysterically.

"Apologize!" ordered Marseille.

"I'm sorry!" cried out Evans as the manticore edged closer, snout lifting. "I'm sorry, please – "

"Now," said Marseille. "Say you'll never speak a word about my family again."

"LET ME OUT OF HERE!"

"SAY IT!" yelled Marseille. The manticore lunged at Evans, and the boy screamed shrilly, barely dodging the animal's claws.

"I won't – I swear – I won't – " Evans sobbed. "I'll never – insult you again! Please!"

"And," went on Marseille heatedly, "you must swear that if anyone else ever speaks ill of my family, you will correct them swiftly. Won't you?"

"YE- YES! PLEASE!"

"SAY IT!"

"I WILL NEVER LET ANYONE SPEAK BADLY OF YOUR FAMILY! NOT EVER AGAIN!" Evans sank to his knees just as the manticore rounded on him and rushed forward again. "HELP ME!" screamed Evans.

Marseille sat back in his spot, satisfied. "Well, I suppose that will do." He looked over into a corner. "Now, Parvartus."

Parvartus jumped out with his wand. "Riddikulus!"

The lunging manticore stopped in mid-air, dropped to the floor, and turned instantly into a fluffy Pomeranian puppy. Yelping, the puppy bounced in circles before it ran back into the wardrobe with a squeal and disappeared, the door shutting behind it. Parvartus lowered his wand and smirked.

Evans trembled violently and sagged against his restraints. "A – a boggart – " he panted in disbelief. His robes were soiled.

Athena and Marseille lowered themselves to the floor, and Marseille marched forward, getting face-to-face with Evans. Despite their age differences, Marseille was the taller of the two, and his gaze was twice as fearsome.

"Let this be a lesson to you, Evans," Marseille told him lowly. "Because the next time you insult me, a bloody boggart will be the least of your concerns." With that, Marseille turned and walked away to the door.

Athena popped up next and took a photo of Evans chained to the wall. "For posterity," she explained sweetly.

Parvartus came up after her. "Here's your wand," he told Evans, dropping it just out of reach before he walked off with his two best friends.

Together, the trio left the room.

"Wait – " came Evan's voice. "You can't just leave me in here! Wait – COME BACK!"

The door shut, and Marseille locked it. After that, the trio linked arms and walked off, laughing.