My name is Kankri Vantas. This is the story of my life with him. The horrible, messy, pile of s*** that I love. The guy who changed my life forever. The last guy anyone would expect me, the purest person in the world, to hook up with.
Cronus Ampora.
It was nearing the end of spring, and I had just gotten out of my first year of college a week ago. I was sitting on the couch of my empty house, reading quietly. The spring breeze blew through the window, beckoning me outside. I rose to my feet and bookmarked my place in my novel to stare at myself in the mirror. My outfit was boring, as usual – a vibrant, red turtleneck sweater, complimented with black jeans and black sneakers. I sighed and fixed my collar.
"Time for a walk, I guess… It's a nice night, I shouldn't waste it." I mumbled. I headed outside, my arms crossed and my nose buried in the collar of my turtleneck. It was peaceful outside in my little town, as it usually was. I saw people that were having coffee, people that were eating dinner, and people that were hanging out in the park. I assumed they didn't want to hang out at home, since the college kids were back for the season. It seemed as though I was the only one not partying or drinking or doing illegal things.
I threw out these thoughts and admired the bright stars as I walked. I sighed, passing by a group of kids my age. One I recognized as my good friend Latula, who was blowing bubbles with her gum. There was a tall boy with shaggy, blonde hair right next to her, which I assumed was Mituna, her boyfriend. The real wild card was the guy in the leather and skinny jeans with the cigarette in his mouth. He blew out a ring of smoke and I watched his bright, devious eyes follow me as I waved to Latula and quickly scurried away. I hugged my chest and moved a curly strand of hair in the unruly, dark-hazel mop that sat atop my head.
Once I had seen the majority of my small hometown – skipping the boardwalk full of drunk college kids – I began walking back home. I noticed that the guy in the leather jacket was still there, and this time Latula stopped me by him. I smiled at her and raised an eyebrow.
"Hello, Latula. Seems a little late for you to be out, you should be getting some sleep. You don't function properly when you don't get enough sleep – and not you specifically, anyone, I mean. There are a lot of black out drunks hanging around, too. I hope you haven't been conversing with them." There I went again – into another rant session about safety. I noticed that the guy with the leather jacket and slick, dark locks of hair was chuckling with bright teeth. I couldn't help but wonder why he had such a lovely smile, even with the revolting habit of smoking.
"Good to see that college hasn't changed you, Kankri." Latula laughed bubbly at me. I smiled meekly and was about to counter with another speech, but she continued before I did. "Anywho – I want you to meet someone!" She shoved me closer to the stranger leaning on the wall. "This is Cronus. He moved here a few months ago, and he's a really good guy. I think you'll like him, Kan." She chimed, still smiling. I gave out a weak grin of my own and shook his hand. I couldn't help but notice his firm grip. It honestly made me a bit nervous.
"Nice to meet you." I squeaked as I wondered why Latula had introduced us. Was it because he had just moved and needed friends? He didn't seem like the kind of guy to need help finding friends… There was already a crowd that was beginning to swarm around him.
"Hey." His voice was smooth, but not all that comforting. It made the hairs on the back of my neck stick up.
"I-I should really get going... See you tomorrow, Tula?" I said, letting go of his hand and turning back to Latula.
"Alright, Kan. See you later." She waved, and I flashed one last look into Cronus's deep, blue eyes before I bolted away in the cool air of the spring.
The next day was just like the last. Karkat was at his friend's house, Dad was at work, and I was left to take care of the house. I made myself macaroni in the microwave that evening and watched the sunset from the kitchen window. It was certainly beautiful. Vibrant colors like blue, orange and violet seeped into the ocean that reflected it. I would have taken a picture, if I had thought about it in the moment.
Just as I sat down with my novel, my phone rang. I curiously answered, being met by the voice of my friend, Meulin. She sounded happy and bubbly – even more than usual, which made me worry a bit.
"Hey, Kan! Come on down to Hunnie's, we're all having a great time!" She sang. I could hear a roar of applause from the background, along with the sound of booming music. Hunnie Lust's was the local bar and club, owned by Zoet, who was a Dutch woman with a lot of money. She was a sweet lady, and she had opened Hunnie Lust's when she first moved into America. It was always packed there – hundreds of people wanted to dance with the greatest djs and drink her famous vodka and booze. I used to go there with Meulin all the time in the mornings to get a free candy from Zoet herself.
"Er, no thanks, Meu… You have fun without me. I don't want to run into any crazy drunk college kids, or even dance with one. My buttocks might hurt when I wake up and I could end up in a new place." I declined. I heard Meulin laugh from the other side. I never understood why people laughed at my logic.
"Awe, c'mon, Kan!" She purred. I scrunched up my nose nervously and listened to the beat of the music in the background. "Just for a few! Everyone's having a great time! You don't need to dress up or anything!"
After minutes of bickering, she somehow convinced me to go. I left my car and decided to walk there. It wasn't far, after all. Nothing was too far from my house.
When I arrived, the bass of the music was making the tables and floor shake. Everyone was dancing and drinking like it was the end of the world. I sighed, staring at Meulin as she pounced on me from the dance floor.
"You came you came you came!" She screeched, wrapping me in a tight hug. I rolled my eyes and hugged her back. "How is college? I'm so glad you're home!-" She was tapped on the shoulder by a guy with face paint and stitches on his mouth. I remembered seeing him in high school but never acknowledging him because we both didn't talk much. He tugged Meulin back towards the dance floor and made a series of signals.
"Oh, sure!" She turned back to look at me and smiled. "Sorry, Kan, but my song is gonna play soon. I'll be back to talk later. Have some fun, okay?" She ran off with the quiet guy and I was left alone. I sighed and sat down at the bar next to a familiar fella. He looked at me with his deep blue eyes and I immediately recognized him.
"Oh, hello, Cronus." I greeted. "I was not expecting to see you here… Well, I was, just not tonight…" I trailed off and bit my lip. He smiled anyway and sat up straight.
"Hey, Kankri. Good to see you again." His voice wound in my ear, and I suddenly wanted to hear more.
"Uh, you too!" I forced a smile. "What are you doing here, anyway? You don't seem to be having much fun."
"Well, I am having fun, I guess. It's fucking hysterical watching these drunk college kids fall off their tables." He said. I gasped, wishing I had my whistle on me. He stared at me with wide eyes and blinked.
"Trigger warning! I do not appreciate the use of that vulgar language, and I would appreciate it if you didn't use it around me – for it is disrespectful and wrong." I hissed, crossing my arms. He just laughed again and messed up my hair.
"Sorry about that, officer." He snickered. I smiled a little, too, and conversation continued on from there. We talked about a lot of things – mainly about ourselves. I learned that he had been around the world, but that he was planning to retire his adventure in our small town. Of course, I badgered him about all the dangerous things out there, but he didn't seem to mind. In fact, he seemed to listen to every word I said, as if it was information he needed for a difficult test. He was certainly a character.
I got a bit worried when Meulin didn't come back, and occasionally I would glance out at the dance floor to check and make sure she was still okay. Every time I would blow a sigh of relief, and Cronus would look at me like he knew what I was thinking. Like he knew how I felt. It was nice, actually – having someone around that would understand you and listen to you, no matter what you were saying.
By the end of the night, I was yawning like crazy. Cronus and I walked outside together, and he lit a cigarette and put it in his mouth. I couldn't help but badger him about it.
"That's a terrible habit." I said, fixing my collar. He leaned against the wall of the bar and looked at me with a raised eyebrow.
"What, smoking?"
"Yes. Did you think I meant loitering?"
He let out a small chuckle. "I can put this out if you don't like it."
"I don't mind it that much, as long as I'm not doing it. I was wondering why you do it."
"Stress reliever."
"Oh? What are you stressed about?"
"Everything, actually." He blew a ring of smoke away from me. I secretly appreciated him caring about me breathing in any smoke.
"What kinds of things?"
"Lots of things."
"That's not an answer."
"I can't name every one right now."
I finally stopped bothering him and sighed loudly once again. It was getting warmer, and it wasn't as cold outside at night, but I could still see my breath floating in front of me. "I know how you feel. I worry a lot, too."
"About what?"
"My family, mostly. My younger brother is despondent and always comes home bruised unless he's been at his friend's house all day. My father works too much and never has time for either of us." I explained as I counted the speckles stained in the sidewalk below my feet. I could feel his blue eyes searching for mine.
"So… You basically live alone?"
"Kind of. Sometimes my father will come home late at night and stay in his study, so I'm not technically alone."
"That doesn't count. What year of college did you say you were going into, by the way?"
"My second. I'm going for my Masters, so I have a long way to go." I finally looked up and hesitated as I got lost in his eyes. They were soft and sympathetic, yet brave and daring and sharp… I didn't know what to make of him.
"You have good grades?"
"High honors so far, yes."
"High honors?! Kan, that's great!"
"Thank you, I appreciate it, really..." I smiled again. We kept talking and talking and talking until he walked me home. I thanked him once more before I closed the door. I listened to his heavy footsteps as they faded out and let out a sigh. I decided to skip reading and just go right to bed.
Throughout the next couple weeks, Cronus and I met up or called one another every day to talk. Sometimes he'd come over my house and we'd watch a movie, and other times we'd meet up in the park and watch kids play around with soccer balls. One day, I was thinking about meeting up with him again, and I realized that I had… taken a specific liking to him. It took a while for it to sink in, and ever since that day, I started playing hard to get. Like, REALLY hard to get. I couldn't help myself. Maybe I did it to let him know I wasn't going to be that easy, or maybe I did it to prove to him that I wasn't like anyone else. Perhaps I did it because I was so nervous that I couldn't reveal myself, or maybe I did it because I wanted him to prove that he loved me too.
He didn't seem to bothered by it. It actually seemed to turn him on more. I still have no clue why, but I wasn't about to argue with it. He actually proved that he loved me. He brought me to a restaurant for dinner one night – I knew something was going on, because it was nicer than any of the other restaurants we had gone to. I tried to loosen up a little, but his stare kept me on the edge of my seat. My nerves were jumping all night. When he drove me home, he stopped me by my front door and he took my wrist. I complied and turned to face him.
"Kankri," he put his hand under my chin. I gulped – it was the first time he had used my full name in quite a while. "I wanted to tell you that… I am in love with you. I… I would follow you to the ends of the Earth… Kankri Vantas, will you give me the pleasure of being your boyfriend?" He was kneeling by now, holding my hand like it was glass. I stared at him, stunned for a moment. I had done it – he really loved me… Or, he thought he did. No point in not testing it.
"Sure, Cronus." I smiled gently, and he stood up with a huge smile on his face. He put his hand on my cheek again and I could swear I could feel him pulling me closer.
"Really?! Th-That's great!" I heard him swallow, and I gave out small bits of laughter. Then he leaned in closer and closer, reaching for my lips with his. I wanted so badly to kiss him, but I wasn't about to give in so easily. I put two fingers on his lips and pushed him away slightly. He let out a hum of confusion and opened his deep blue eyes.
"It's never going to be that easy. Not unless you work for it." I smirked and walked back inside. I watched him walk back to his car, hands behind his back as he whispered "What a guy." to himself over and over again. He had completely fallen for me – mission accomplished!
Only; one problem…
I had fallen harder for him.
He was on my mind all the time, capturing my thoughts and corrupting my dreams. I thought about him day and night, at least 15 times to the hour. It was just enough that I became obsessed over him, but it never got to the point where I became tired of him. I never had anything else to think about, it seemed.
Cronus and I went to all the restaurants in town, whether they had a nice view of the ocean or they didn't have any windows. I enjoyed them all, just because I was with him, but he never knew it. He would give me small taps of affection every now and then, and I noticed him brushing his hand with mine when we walked together. Finally, I allowed him to hold my hand, and he hadn't let go of it since.
I always tried to reconsider the "hard to get" thing that I used, but I never changed my ways. It seemed to be the only way I knew how to grab his attention, aside from talking. Cronus loved to hear me talk. He'd randomly ask about my dreams and he'd nod to every word I said. When I complained about family, he listened. When I complained about the heat, he listened. When I complained about friends and food and even politics … he listened. I didn't think I could get any luckier, and yet I made him chase after me like a dog just to get a squeeze at my hand.
When we were watching a movie at my house, I leaned into him, and he wrapped his arm around me. I took his scent in that moment, and I was haunted with the smell of tobacco and cologne every time I thought about him. He smelled just as any man should smell – just the way I thought he'd smell.
One fateful afternoon, near the end of July, I sat in my room, petrified beyond compare. I felt my hands shaking, and I kept myself curled in a tight ball on my couch. I felt my phone ringing and answered it when I saw who it was.
"C-Cronus?" I whimpered into the phone.
"Hey, Kan… What's wrong? You don't sound too good…" His voice was worried and not as smooth as usual, but I was already starting to feel better.
"U-Um…" I didn't know what to say. I just swallowed nervously and glanced around me in the blinding sunlight that illuminated my living room.
"Okay, I'm coming over." And he hung up. Before I knew it, he was at my door, and he gave me a huge hug and picked me up from the couch.
"Cronus…" I whispered, starting to break down into tears. "I-It's Horuss, my neighbor across the street… H-He dragged me into his house, and he forced me to take off my clothes at knife-point!.. He slapped me, and whipped me, and… and…" By now I was sobbing and shaking. I was scared out of my mind. Cronus bolted out to his car and I watched him from the front door with misty eyes. I saw him grab something from the glovebox and he ran across the street to Horuss's house, where he was loitering by his shiny blue car. Cronus beat the side of his head with the object a few times and said some things I couldn't hear too well. My ears were still ringing with terror. Then he ran back to the front door and handed me a gun that was now stained with blood. I blinked at him with wide eyes and he said "here, go hide this."
Now, most people would have bolted out the door when their boyfriend or girlfriend handed them a gun and told them to hide it. But I didn't. It was actually kind of a turn on. I felt safer and more special with him around, and this just added to how secure I felt. So, I hid the gun in my bag and slid the bag under my bed, as I was told.
I still hadn't let him kiss me and before I knew it, summer ended. I was back at college – back in reality, and I tried to convince myself that he was just a summer dream so that I wouldn't cry. Cronus said that he would follow me to Colorado, where my college was, but I told him he didn't have to. I secretly hoped, however, that this was the first time he wouldn't listen to me.
About a week into college, I was giving up hope of Cronus coming to see me, and I was becoming convinced that he was just a figment of my imagination – a dream of a man that was never real in the first place. Then he came to my dorm one night while I was reading alone, and my hand didn't faze though him when I touched his chest, and I knew I wasn't dreaming.
"I told you I loved you, and I meant it, Kan." He said quietly, but I didn't need words. I pressed my lips against his with the gentlest of touches. I felt him kissing me back but with an even more placid touch. It made me feel comfortable and snug – just like I always felt when I was with him. Now that I was warm again, I couldn't be happier.
He visited my dorm every day to watch a movie or go out and do something. My dorm mates didn't mind having him around – he seemed to make friends with everyone, in fact. One day, I started noticing that Cronus came to visit me a lot earlier than usual, and that he started leaving earlier, too. I followed him when he left one day and spotted him with a girl. They were so close to one another, and it ripped my heart and my sanity to shreds.
The night after, he slept in my room, and I woke up before the sun had risen or the moon had set. I grabbed his gun from my bag and climbed on top of him. I took shaky breaths and pointed the gun at his head.
"Cronus… Wake up, Cro." I whispered. He opened his eyes and they widened when he saw the gun in my hand. I felt tears coming to my eyes and my shaking breaths grew louder.
"Kankri… Put. The gun. Down." He seemed calm, and that made me even more upset.
"Do you love her?!" I hissed, tears running down my cheeks. "Be honest with me! Do you love her?!"
He looked up at me. His gaze was still brave, even at gunpoint. It was like he'd been in this situation before. "Kankri, you're the only one I love, you know that." He said quietly.
"LIAR!" I sobbed, my hands shaking and messing up my aim.
"It's true, Kankri. I love you more then I love myself… now put the gun down so we can talk…" He whispered. I stared at him for a long moment. I couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger. I was still attracted to him, and I wanted him to stay with me.
So I lowered the gun and dropped it off the bed. Cronus sat up and wrapped himself around me as I cried.
"I'm so sorry…. I'm so, so sorry…" I mumbled. He hushed me and we stayed there for a long while. I skipped my classes that day to spend time with him, and he skipped his work day, too.
The day I graduated from college, he proposed to me in front of everyone, and I said yes. It was like living a fairytale – everything had worked out right, right up to the make-out scene in my dorm room.
When we reached my home town, I found myself underneath him, shirtless. I stared up at his six pack, and his strong muscles on his arms that pinned me to the sheets. I blushed, feeling his knee between my legs. I stared up at him and swam blissfully in his beautiful, deep, blue eyes. He had enchanted me – captured my heart from the very beginning, even though I didn't realize it at first. I knew he was expecting a reward for all his hard work, and I planned on giving it to him, but I was still scared. I was sure I'd mess up.
"Kankri?" His voice was drowned out by my thoughts, and I barely realized that he was talking to me.
"Hm..?" I blinked and noticed that he was sweating a little. He seemed more anxious then nervous, but his eyes were still soft.
"Remember how you pointed that gun at my head?" I stared up at him. I was honestly stunned that he'd bring it up, especially when we were stuck in time – with him hovering over me and ready to pounce.
"U-Unfortunately…" I swallowed. "Why?"
"I always meant to tell you," I watched a small smile spread across his lips. "That the gun had no amo."
I stared at him for a long moment. Why would he bring up something so insignificant at a time like this? I laughed, and my laughter got louder, and soon I was cracking up. I felt my nerves melting away, and in that moment I knew why he had brought up a silly topic. I wiped a joyful tear from my eye and noticed that he was laughing, too. I had heard it before, but never like this. He seemed so comfortable, so laid back, even though he was still hovering over me and glistening beads of sweat were still trailing down his forehead.
In that moment I knew, that he really loved me, and that I had made the right choice talking to him in the crowded bar on that cool spring night of May 5 years ago.
