Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

TITLE:The Return of Sirius Black, or We're Not in Kansas Anymore!

Author: Lady Sirius

Pairing: assorted - Sirius/? (if I told you, then where would the surprise be?)

RATING: NC17

FEEDBACK: Of course all rights belong to JK Rowling - I would claim Sirius if I could (but alas this is not meant to be!) And the other rights belong to L. Frank Baum, and to MGM, and to Lewis Carroll.

DEDICATION: To my gloriously sex, talented and wondrous inspiration - Gary Oldman

Chapter One - In the Beginning and Once Upon a Time

The last thing that Sirius Black remembered was the long drawn-out freefall through space - spinning about as if he were a bit of flotsam being sucked down a giant drain. He didn't think that this could possibly end well. It was the proverbial life-flashing-before-your-eyes event, as familiar faces streamed by him in what he supposed was a farewell performance. There were the Marauders - James, Remus and Peter - followed quickly by their animagus forms - Prongs, Moony and Wormtail. Members of his family, including but not limited to his maniacal mother, his assorted cousins and inlaws, such as Bellatrix (also his murderer), Narcissa, Lucius, Draco, Arthur and Molly Weasley. There were the others from the Order of the Phoenix - including Dumbledore, Snape and Tonks, and there were Harry's young friends, Ron and Hermione. And of course there was Harry, his last link with his best friend James, the only person Sirius had left in the world that could be considered his and his only - his dearest godson, his pseudo-son.

Having made up his mind that he would never draw a decent breath again, it was with some surprise that Sirius opened his eyes once more. He wasn't quite sure just where he was - everything about him was dark. Cautiously he felt about his body for protruding bones or pools of blood, but there seemed to be none, which was heartening. Slowly rising to his feet, he felt about him, making his way gingerly as he dodged various objects which littered his path, until he reached what he took to be the door and pulled the handle...

...to suddenly find himself bathed in glorious technicolour in the midst of a very voluptuous garden. "What is this place?" he muttered to himself, glancing around him in bewilderment. "I do believe we're not in Kansas anymore!"

There were blossoms and plants of every size, description and hue, a veritable cornucopia of colour. Some of them swayed gracefully in the gentle warm breeze which played about his cheeks, in hula-like motions. And wait, those flowers there - unless he was hallucinating, they seemed to be moving independently of the ground, unlike most plants that he was familiar with, and not only that, but they were nude!. Fascinated, he drew closer to observe. Sure enough, there were small yellow and white flowers with the heads of daisies and the bodies of naked women. They frolicked and cantered together in a closed circle. Joining hands, they rushed towards one another, meeting in the center, at which point there seemed to be some sort of lesbian ritual involving kissing and touching, before they resumed their positions in the circle once more. "Well," Sirius commented aloud to himself, "this must be where the idea for the daisy chain came from."

Spotting movement out of the corner of one eye, he whirled about, and to his surprise beheld the sight of a large grey wolf. The wolf approached him fearlessly, and began nuzzling at his hand.

"Moony?" Sirius asked in amazement, "is that you?" But there was no response, and Sirius sighed as he realized how absurd the idea was. But he was grateful for the company, and he patted the wolf's head, stroked the soft fur. "I'll call you Remus anyway," he decided.

He began to move about the garden, and he was grateful when he realized that the wolf intended to stay with him. Looking about him, he noticed that the garden was also filled with statuary of all sizes and shapes - the most pornographic sculptures he had ever imagined (and he had quite an imagination when it came to that sort of thing). There were male/female, male/male, female/female, not to mention human/beast, threesomes, orgies, and even some pairings which were he was unfamiliar. He was getting horny just looking at them, and he cupped one hand against his crotch. "Down boy, not now!" he scolded himself. "This is not the time or place. We need to concentrate on finding a way to get home, once we figure out where we are, that is!"

He walked a little further along the cobbled path which ran through the garden, the friendly wolf at his side, until he came to a clearing containing a large stone fountain of a satyr and a nymph, from which flowed a purplish liquid. He reached out one slender hand, dipped it into the liquid and brought it to his lips hesitantly. It had a most pleasant fruity taste, so he decided to take a chance, and lowered his head to drink from the satyr's appendage. The wolf helped himself as well, lapping from the liquid that accumulated about the base of the fountain.

"If this contains poison, then we're dead," Sirius murmured to 'Remus', "but that's a chance you sometimes have to take."

A sudden movement from above caught his attention. He looked up to see a most fabulous sight - a giant phoenix hovering in the air, spiraling gracefully downwards, until it came to rest just a few feet away from him. A figure dismounted from its back, and to his amazement Sirius saw that he resembled Albus Dumbledore! In fact, he was the spitting image of the headmaster, except for the fact that the robes which he wore were not black, they were transparent, and left nothing to the imagination!

'Dumbledore' smiled benignly at Sirius as he approached.

"Who the hell are you?" Sirius blurted out, "and where the hell am I?"

As he spoke, he heard a high-pitched noise which seemed to surround him, and which he would almost swear was giggling. He whirled about, but could see nothing, so turned his attention to the strange figure before him. The wolf seemed ill at ease as well, growling softly, as it stayed close to Sirius' side.

"What is this place?" Sirius asked again, and once again he heard the giggling, louder now, and surely not his imagination. But he could see nothing, and he was beginning to get frustrated now.

'Dumbledore' spoke quietly. "Come, come, stop aggravating Sirius! Come out, come out, and let him see you! You can stop hiding now!" He clapped his hands imperiously, even as Sirius wondered how he knew his name, and from the flowers and bushes around him figures began to rise and step forward.

Sirius stared in amazement at the sight - at first glance he would have thought that they were children, as their average height was that of a small child - but closer investigation showed that these were fully matured adults - all of them naked - the women all with ample bosoms and the men all sporting major hardons. Curiouser and curiouser!

"I am the wizard of the Hard Wood, and these are the sex-kins," 'Dumbledore' explained, "the little people who live here in this land. They are very interested in you Sirius, as you can see (several of them had clustered about him, attempting to slide their hands into his crotch and up his ass, and he had to swat them away in annoyance.

"And just how do you know my name?" Sirius demanded angrily, "and you still haven't told me where I am or who you are! I demand some answers here!"

"Patience, my boy, patience," 'Dumbledore counseled, holding up one hand imperiously. "The sex-kins are very handy creatures, yes they are - they are especially useful for relieving one's tension - and I can see, dear boy, that you are very tense indeed!" He clapped his hands, muttered a few words, and Sirius suddenly found himself stark naked, as was 'Dumbledore', his tension obvious for all to see.

A small sex-kin male approached Sirius and without a by-your-leave took his hard member into his mouth, began to massage it with his tongue (he was just the right height to facilitate this). Sirius realized that Albus was being ministered to in the same fashion, and he found himself helpless to do anything other than to enjoy the release which came within a few minutes of intense sucking. Albus muttered a cleansing spell for them both, and then restored their garments.

"Feel better?" 'Dumbledore inquired solicitously, and Sirius merely nodded.

Sirius wasn't sure what to say after that, but was saved the trouble when the sex-kins suddenly began to tremble and quake. They ran about in circles, squealing in terror, and pointing up at the sky. Sirius looked in that direction, and beheld what appeared to be a large black cloud which swirled and eddied as it made its descent, lightning crackling from its center. As it got closer to the ground, the little people backed away from it in fright.

"What is going on here?" Sirius demanded to know.

"That will be the wizard of the Cold Wood," 'Dumbledore' explained, "and I'm afraid that he won't be very happy." He pointed behind Sirius, who turned and beheld a small building, probably the one he had originally emerged from. Barely visible beneath the building was a pair of legs. "I'm afraid that's what left of his brother, the wizard of the Dead Wood. Your vehicle appears to have landed on him!"

"That is not my vehicle!" Sirius protested, "and I had nothing to do with that, I swear it! All I want to do is to go home!"

'Dumbledore' shrugged eloquently. "Not my problem," was all he said.

From the center of this maelstrom, a man emerged - a tall dark man, slim of build, with a prominent proboscis - garbed in black lingerie, with black fishnet stockings and black spike heels, with a red boa slung about his neck. To his amazement, Sirius recognized 'Snape'! Trotting along behind him was a small man garbed only in a large diaper, and a cloth turban on his head. He stayed close behind the first man, constantly touching his legs and hands, and kissing his posterior as often as he could.

'Snape' strode quickly into their midst, eyeing Sirius in a most unnatural way. "And what have we here?" he sneered.

Sirius glared back at him, refusing to be intimidated. "Who are you?" he returned.

"I am your worst nightmare," 'Snape' replied haughtily.

The wolf at Sirius' side began to growl, and Sirius had to restrain him with a gentle hand lest he attack the unpleasant stranger, maybe causing injury to himself. The wolf whimpered, nuzzling Sirius' hand.

"How touching!" 'Snape' rolled his eyes at the sight. "Not!" He strutted about Sirius in a circle, examining him from all angles, until Sirius grew uncomfortable at his scrutiny.

"Fuck off!" he snapped.

'Snape' drew himself up huffily, pulling his wand out (Sirius couldn't imagine, and didn't want to imagine, from where), and was on the point of cursing the hapless wizard, when his attention was drawn to something behind Sirius, and he moved away from him. Sirius could hear a sharp intake of breath, and he turned to see what 'Snape''s problem was. The crossdressing wizard was staring at the small house, and the broken body beneath it.

"Who has done this?" 'Snape' demanded angrily, waving one hand at the sight.

There was instant silence, except for the occasional whimpering of 'Snape''s sycophantic follower. The potion master's clone strode up to Sirius in a few quick steps, grabbing him by the collar of his robes, pushing his face to within a few inches of the other man's. "What have you done to my brother?" he yelled.

"Back off, jackoff!" Sirius yelled back, "I - didn't - do - anything - to your brother, you antidiluvian twerp! And get your fucking hands off of me!"

'Remus' began to growl, advancing on 'Snape', his teeth bared, when 'Dumbledore' spoke up. "Aren't you forgetting something?" he asked silkily.

'Snape' whirled about, eyes narrowed at 'Dumbledore.'

"The opal, or isn't that important to you any more?"

'Snape''s eyes grew large, and an avarious light gleamed in their black depths. "Ah yes, the opal. How remiss of me." He released his hold on Sirius. "I'll deal with you in a moment!" he snarled, even as he raced toward the little house.

Sirius watched him closely, saw him approach the body. The deceased had had decidedly bad taste in clothes, even the little that could be seen of him - his legs were clad in parti-colored leggings in garish colours. But on his feet were a pair of the most magnificent boots Sirius had ever seen - gleaming ebony, obviously handcrafted leather, they shone and sparkled in the bright sunlight. And on each one a large black opal shone, larger than any he had ever seen. The sight quite took his breath away.

'Snape' reached greedily for the boots. "Mine at last!" he sang joyously. But the next moment, the legs began to shrivel up, retracting from sight beneath the little house. Snape was livid. He looked about him in confusion "The boots! Who took my boots?" he demanded to know.

'Dumbledore' pointed to Sirius' feet. "There they are and there they shall stay," he said calmly. Sirius looked down in amazement to find the beautiful boots were on his own feet, and he turned them this way and that, admiring their handiwork, and enjoying the feel of them against his skin.

"Give those to me!" 'Snape' snarled, "they belong to me, you accursed brat!"

'Dumbledore' whispered to Sirius, "Hold fast to them! Their magic must be very powerful or he wouldn't want them so badly!"

Sirius decided to ignore this particular piece of advice. "I don't want these stupid things, I just want to go home!" he cried out. "Take 'em, I don't care!"

'Snape' advanced greedily upon the boots, reached out to take them as Sirius raised one foot to make access easier. As soon as 'Snape' touched one of the boots, he was greeted with an electric shock which propelled him backwards, and he fell hard upon his ass.

"There, you can't have them, so go on home before another vehicle comes along and lands on you!" 'Dumbledore' laughed.

'Snape' looked about him nervously, rising with the aid of the turbaned man. "You haven't heard the last of this," he snarled at Sirius. "I'll get you, my pretty, see if I don't. And your little wolf too!"

Whirling about in high dudgeon, he snapped his head back disdainfully and strutted back to his dark cloud, kickstepping as he went, and almost emasculating his poor toady (if that was possible). The black cloud rose in a whirl of evilness and disappeared into the sky once more.

The sex-kins breathed a collective sigh of relief, coming out of hiding, approaching Sirius and fondling him once more, as they admired his new boots.

"Oh fuck!" he yelled out in frustration. "What sort of a place is this, anyway? Am I dead or what? The last thing I remember is being shot, and falling into the veil. Is this what lies beyond the veil?"

"This is one of the worlds beyond the veil," 'Dumbledore replied, "there are others. And no, you are not dead."

"Then how do I get back to where I belong, to my own world, to my godson, Harry?"

"I can't help you myself, I'm afraid, but I hear that there is a mighty wizard who lives in the capital of Sex-Oz - in Fornication City - he might be able to help you, if you go there and ask him. Other than that, I don't know what to tell you." 'Dumbledore' shrugged.

"I guess it's better than nothing," Sirius muttered. "So how do I get there? you you have a roadmap I can use, auto club, something?"

"The path is very simple," 'Dumbledore' replied. "Look beneath your feet."

Sirius looked down at the multi-coloured cobbled stones.

"That is the mellow brick road. Follow that and it will take you to Fornication City, and the wonderful wizard of Sex-Oz."

"Yes," the sex-kins echoed, "just follow the mellow brick road, follow the mellow brick road..."
They led Sirius to the center of the square, where apparently the road began, and followed him as he began to wind his way along it. "Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the mellow brick road! He's off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Sex-Oz!"

To his delight, the wolf seemed determined to stay at Sirius' side. He patted the noble beast gently. "You may not be my Remus," he murmured, "but you are all I have right now, and I'm damn glad for your company." He kept his eyes riveted on the path beneath his feet, muttering to himself, "Follow the mellow brick road!"

The sex-kins followed him as far as they could before their little legs grew tired, attempting to engage him in sexplay along the way, and he had to constantly slap at their hands. But at last they were but tiny figures in the distance, and then nothing but faded memories, as he and Remus embarked upon their journey to Fornication City and the wonderful wizard of Sex-Oz, and Sirius' chance to return home.