There's the Shamy we see on our television screens and then there is the Shamy we all know exists. What if Sheldon and Amy have a happy, healthy intimate life off camera? How would the events of each episode lead to the bedroom? And what would happen there?
A one-shot for every episode of Season 10. Spoiler free.
THE EPISODIC COITUS CONTRIVANCE
Episode 1: The Conjugal Conjecture
Bump. Thump. Bump. THUMP!
"Almost there," Amy said.
Grunting, Sheldon pulled the harp case along behind him, its two tiny wheels useless on the pale carpet of the hallway. He paused, catching his breath, as she unlocked her door and then resumed the heavy work of dragging her instrument into her apartment.
"Thank you for helping me with my harp," his girlfriend said, still wearing her new fancy dress.
"Would it have killed you to learn to play the flute instead?" he asked, standing and looking over at her. If only she didn't look so pretty in the pale purple frock.
"My mother wouldn't let me learn any woodwind instrument. She said it wasn't ladylike to blow. I still have scars in my mouth from all the hot soup I wasn't allowed to cool."
"Really? I never noticed."
Amy just gave a slight shake to her head and looked away. What did she mean? It was true; he was familiar with the interior reaches of Amy's oral cavity, and he'd never noticed anything untoward while, um, examining it. He only discovered pleasant things in those moments, like how thorough her dental hygiene was and how the feel of her tongue on his made unconnected parts of his body twitch.
Reaching for her cheek, Sheldon bent down and softly kissed her. Amy didn't fight it but she didn't deepen it, either, and it was she who pulled away.
"You look beautiful," Sheldon offered, wondering exactly what he was doing wrong here. Because he had the distinct impression he was doing something wrong.
At the restaurant after the wedding, while Amy had been somewhere being photographed, Sheldon found his delicate hearing assaulted by the conversation being had by a group of woman at the next table. They seemed to be inebriated, as they were having what he deemed an inappropriate conversion about their sex lives at a loud volume. And then one of the woman said, "God, what I wouldn't give for some surprise sex! Rodger only wants it at bedtime. We haven't had a nooner in ages! You think he'd realize how hot it is not to plan."
Even after he'd selectively turned off his hearing to avoid more details about this stranger's intimate habits, Sheldon kept thinking about that comment. Although he had no idea what a nooner was, was the rest of this overly-loud and over-sharing woman's statement correct? While he still found his physical encounters with Amy very pleasing - each one remained more pleasing than he imagined they could be - he had to admit they were never a surprise. An invitation to "stay the night" was issued and discussed in advance so that Sheldon could bring a change of clothes, it always happened at Amy's, and still Sheldon waited in the bedroom for her to enter in either a nightgown or, lately, just her robe which she would remove before she climbed in next to him. He'd yet to see Amy remove her everyday clothes. Or assist her in just such a task. Which, especially tonight in her fancy lavender dress, he wanted to try. He wondered what the lace would feel like sliding under his palms, how it would fall and puddle around her ankles . . .
All of this ruminating taking only a couple of seconds, Sheldon leaned forward again to plant another kiss, this time resting his palm on her shoulder, right where he could slide the sleeve of her little cardigan down if the woman at the restaurant was correct and Amy would, in fact, find this unplanned attempt at . . . He struggled for a word and had to admit that it was seduction. Very well, if Amy found his seduction at unexpected times appealing and -
But his girlfriend's hand was on his chest, pushing him gently. "Not tonight."
"Oh." He stood sharply, angry and confused that he had misread the situation. This is exactly why he didn't seduce! "I'm sorry. You must be exhausted from your musical duties."
"No, it's not that."
Was there something off-putting about his own oral hygiene? Had the green icing used for the leaves on the cake turned his teeth green, too? Asking if he could go brush his teeth using his sleepover toothbrush seemed like it would kill the surprise element for which he was aiming.
Amy turned slightly and looked away. Sheldon frowned.
"Well, good-bye then."
"Yes, good-bye." She nodded softly. "Thank you again for bringing up my harp."
His frown deepening when she didn't even offer a ride home, Sheldon turned and left, closing the door behind him. Stepping out into the warm air, he took a deep breath and started the walk toward the bus stop. Maybe walking was good, it would help him think. And, yet, by the time he reached his own building he'd only decided on two things: 1) he'd definitely done something wrong, and 2) he had no idea what.
Amy had decided two things that evening: 1) she had probably overreacted in her disappointment and should apologize, and 2) she was entitled to have any emotional response to the disappointing stimuli that her brain produced and no apology was necessary. That these two decisions were contradictory was not lost on her.
The days before the wedding had been such a busy rush that Amy hadn't really had time to just sit down and be alone with Sheldon. She decided to rectify that situation the next day, after his mother left. Plus, now she had something to talk to him about. Clearing the air would be good; she didn't even have to air her grievances, just maneuver the conversation toward the topic and let Sheldon say something explanatory, so that she could determine if she really needed to apologize or not.
But the brief exchange in the car on the way to the airport the next morning had only deepened her disappointment. It was different and yet not. After good-byes had been exchanged with Mary, she and Sheldon rode back in silence. That was, she admitted, one of Sheldon's better qualities. If you wanted to be silent with your thoughts, he was more than happy to be alone with his. She should have been concentrating on all the other good qualities her boyfriend possessed. After all, she really did love him, quirks and all.
Yet the whole situation still rankled. Yes, she was willing to admit she'd overreacted in the moment and thus made a fool of herself. There was no one else to blame for that. Fortunately, only Mary had seemed to notice. But the whole situation was so patently absurd that it boggled her mind how to process it. A married couple paying two leases (or at least one and half) and spending part of their time on one side of the hallway and the other half in the apartment opposite? If it had just been a situation unique to only Leonard and Penny, it might have been one thing; still odd, but it was only their business. But why couldn't Sheldon man up and live alone? He wouldn't really be alone. His apartment would most likely remain the central meeting point, Leonard and Penny would be mere feet away, and she could and would visit more, as often as he wanted her to. Honestly, if she were a professional writer and producing this charade as an ongoing plot line, wouldn't the audience and critics scoff at the unreality and incredulity of it all?
All the wedding had done, though, was reinforce how unnecessarily dependent Sheldon was upon Leonard and Penny. It wasn't that Amy wanted him to be dependent on her instead - well, of course she did, when it really mattered, like when he was ill or in an emergency situation - it was that she wanted Sheldon to be the independent man she knew he could be full-time. It had not taken her long to learn that if she treated Sheldon like an adult, he would rise to her expectations. Treating him like a child only perpetuated the cycle of immaturity. Look at his relationship with his MeeMaw. Or, to a lesser extent, his mother. And, the crux of the matter, with Leonard and Penny.
Before she even realized it, she had sighed heavily on the stairs, having fallen behind Sheldon's long frame. He paused and turned. "Do you not feel well? You don't have to come up for tea."
"No, I'm fine." She forced a smile. "Tea would be lovely."
He nodded and they resumed their climb, entering his apartment in equal silence. Leonard and Penny had left, dropping their respective families off at the airport before heading to San Francisco to finally use the trip Sheldon had bought them months ago as a honeymoon. Surprisingly, Sheldon had only mildly grumbled when they insisted that he wasn't allowed to join them. See, that just proved her point, didn't it? It had been almost a whole two hours without them in the same city, and Sheldon was still in one adult piece.
The kettle was filled and put on, the tea caddy brought out, mugs taken out of the cabinet, and she and Sheldon bent over the box to make their selections. "Chamomile, please," Amy said.
Sheldon looked up. "Chamomile? Are you sure you're not coming down with something?"
"I'm sure." She took a breath and decided to risk it. "But I do want something soothing."
"Are you experiencing stress about something? Are things not proceeding as expected in your current study?" His eyebrows went higher. Amy felt a tinge of guilt because it was obvious he was concerned about her.
"Work is fine, the study is going as I expected."
She saw it then, the little frown he tried to hide when he was confused by something. He turned too quickly toward the now whistling kettle to cover it, she knew. Tea was prepared and, surprising her, Sheldon picked up both their mugs and headed toward the sofa. She thought they'd sit at the island, and now she realized would have liked the physical distance between them. Sheldon's physical presence sometimes overwhelmed her, usually only in the best possible way with his manly body and the memories of how he moved it. It had taken all of her strength to resist his advances yesterday, especially because he'd never initiated unplanned intimacy before. But she hadn't wanted to let it go too far, to find herself making love to him, enjoying his body even while her heart remained hurt by his behavior. That would only lead to regrets.
"Sheldon -" "Amy-"
They looked at each other and smiled. "You first," Amy volunteered. Goodness knew she wasn't eager to talk.
"Very well. I think I owe you an apology." He quickly hid his face in his mug.
Amy's eyebrows went up. She hadn't expected that. Had the absence of his keepers for less than a day resulted in exactly the sort of self-realization she'd been hoping for? And solved her problem of contradictory decisions? That was much faster than she'd ever hoped. "Oh?"
"I should not have attempted to . . . seduce you last night. I realize it violates the spirit of our relationship, if not the law."
"Oh." Amy nodded. Now she was in a bigger pickle. She actually loved the idea of Sheldon seducing her. Heck, she loved the idea of her seducing him. It's why she'd never mentioned any update to the Relationship Agreement once they became intimate. She didn't want any laws, she wanted only spirit. Lots of spirited love-making. "You don't have to apologize for that. I - there are times I would welcome seduction."
The little frown blipped across his face. "But not last night?"
"No, not last night," she agreed softly, taking a drink of her tea.
"How am I know when seduction is welcome and when it is not? Are there guidelines I should follow?"
Unable to stop the small smile, Amy took another drink. Sheldon needed the laws. "There a few obvious times it would be unwelcome, I think. If I'm ill, for example. But mostly I think it's trial and error." She shrugged.
"Hmmmm." Sheldon took a drink. "For future reference, is it allowable for me to ask why seduction is not welcome at the time?"
Amy tilted her head. "Yes. But I think you have to accept that sometimes I just might not be in the mood. Just as you are not constantly in the mood to be intimate."
He gave what seemed to Amy to be a thoughtful nod. "Is this allowance retroactive? May I inquire about last night?"
"Oh." Amy swallowed a mouthful of air. Well, better out than in, right? "I wasn't in the mood because I was disappointed."
"Disappointed?" Shifting in his spot, Sheldon turned toward her. "Could you be more specific? There were several things about the wedding ceremony and the following festivities I found disappointing."
Putting her mug down on the coffee table, Amy angled toward him, mirroring his actions. "Fine. I was disappointed in you -"
"Me? I hauled your harp up all those stairs for you!"
"- specifically your behavior at the wedding, when you ran to the front of the ceremony."
This time he didn't try to hide his frown. After a moment of silence, he said, "But I thought I was just sharing my joy with Leonard and Penny. Getting in touch with all my mushy feelings. You normally love that."
It was Amy's turn to frown. "When your feelings are positive, of course. But I don't think one should air all of one's feeling out in the public like dirty laundry." She sighed and looked down at her skirt. "Sheldon, it hurt me that you felt that both Leonard and Penny are the most special to you. I want to be the most special person to you. I think I ought to be the most special person to you." There, she'd said it.
"Amy," Sheldon leaned closer, "how could you think that? And I didn't say most special; I just said special. Leonard is my best friend, my roommate, and possibly my future step-brother. And Penny is now my possible sister-in-law. It's like family. My mother and MeeMaw are very special to me, too."
"I know." Amy shook her head. "I'm not saying you can't have other notable people in your life, especially family. I understand and want your family to be special to you. That's how it should be."
"Then I don't understand."
Now she felt hot and foolish, just the way she had felt during that embarrassing time when Mary was patting her shoulder during the ceremony yesterday. "I'm sorry, Sheldon, it just hurt me in the moment. I want a public declaration of how much you love me, I guess."
"Don't you enjoy our private declarations?" Sheldon had this voice he used when he was hurt, just a slightly different pitch than his usual, deeper and quieter, and Amy heard it in those words.
"Of course I do!" Amy put her hand on his arm to try and impress upon him how much she meant what she said. This was going all wrong. Sheldon thought she was unhappy about the wrong thing. Or, perhaps, a different thing.
It only got worse when Sheldon turned away and seem absorbed in his cup of tea, taking several slow drinks, staring down into the dark liquid in between. Picking back up her mug, Amy took several swallows of her own tea and tried to find a way to start the conversation again, to steer it around to what she wanted to say, although finding the exact words was proving to be much more difficult than she'd imagined.
"It suddenly occurred to me, during the wedding, how much I'd miss Leonard," Sheldon finally said.
Her head snapping toward him, Amy said, "Miss him?"
"When he moves out."
"He's - he's moving out?"
"Not yet." Sheldon shook his head. "But he has to in order for you to move in."
"What?" Despite all the liquid she'd just consumed, Amy's throat was suddenly dry.
Sheldon finally turned back toward her. "I don't know how yet, Amy. I don't have a plan yet. Leonard is a very delicate man, you know, he gets hysterical and breaks easily. I just want you to know that I'm considering it. I know it has to happen sometime."
"Oh." Amy took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay." She tried to process this new information. It was good that Sheldon realized Leonard would be moving out sometime, yes? But how long was sometime? And why did he say "has to"? It was the sting that took the joy out of his admission that he saw Amy moving in. She buried her face in her mug, tipping it up to drink the last of her tea while she considered further.
"I misspoke. I want it to happen sometime, your moving in," Sheldon said softly.
"Phffllippppp!" Amy choked on her tea, coughing and almost spewing the warm liquid. Then she almost spit it out again when Sheldon's strong hand struck the middle of her back. And again. "Stop it." Cough. "I'm fine."
The slapping stopped. "Since you are both coughing forcefully and now speaking, I am convinced the Heimlich maneuver won't be needed. Are you all right?"
One more cough, and Amy nodded, smiling over at him. "Yes. I'm better than all right."
"The coughing forcefully says otherwise."
"It just went down the trachea. And . . . you mean it?"
"Of course. But it's just as I said. We have to come up with some sort of plausible excuse for poor Leonard, ease him into the idea that I'll be spending the rest of my life with you, not him. It's bound to rock his world."
"We're the two greatest minds of our generation, surely we'll snatch up the chance as soon as we come up with something," Amy said.
"I'm sure." Sheldon nodded. He leaned forward and plucked Amy's now empty mug from her hand and set it along with his on the coffee table in front of them.
Amy watched his movements, strong and sure and precise. And his hands! What was it about his hands, those long fingers . . . As Sheldon rotated back up, Amy leaned over to catch his chin and turn it toward her.
"Yes?" he asked, one eye brow raised. Hooooo, that eyebrow.
"Kiss me," she whispered in what she hoped was a seductive tone.
Leaning in, Sheldon planted a sweet and chaste kiss on her lips. "Okay. May I ask why?" he said, pulling back.
"Because I love you. And I love your silent private declarations. I want to spent the rest of my life with you, too."
"I love you, too," he said softly. "Or was that supposed to be silent?"
This time, nothing was asked for or questioned, he just came forward and kissed her again, longer, his lips quivering slightly over hers.
"Make love to me," Amy said when they took a deep breath, hoping that her forward suggestion wouldn't shock him. After all, there had never been unplanned intimacy before, although she was still fairly certain he was trying to initiate it the evening prior.
"Amy Farrah Fowler, are you trying to seduce me?" he asked, although she thought perhaps she saw the hint of smile around his eyes.
"You betcha!" She stood then and put her hand out.
Sheldon shrugged before getting up to take it and follow her to his bedroom.
For a man who spent his entire life quantifying and tabulating, Sheldon was at loss to explain what his favorite part was. There were those seconds at the beginning, when it all began, in which his heart beat so quickly that he feared he was being haunted by his father's history of cardiovascular disease. There was the first time of every time that his hand brushed through her long tresses. There was the shy giggle she still gave when her fingertips skirted down the trail of hair beneath his belly button. There was the sight of her face, her eyes squeezed shut, her mouth open and such a deep pink when he brought her to climax. There was the moment of overwhelming gratefulness when Amy gave him the same gift back again. Most of all, there was the moment when their bodies joined and everything felt complete and true.
Resting his head back and looking up at his ceiling, Sheldon smiled as he ran his hands though Amy's hair, her hot breath still panting softly into the crook of his neck. He lowered his other hand and softly cupped her bare bottom. This was another of his favorites: when she flopped down upon his chest, still heaving, and he listened to the sound of their exhales, each one now longer and slower, the ramping down as opposed to the ramping up, but still in unison.
Today, there had been new favorites: the anticipation of unbuttoning her cardigan, the joy of slowly lowering her blouse down her pale arms, the rustle and puddling of her skirt at her ankles (just as he knew it would be!), her amused smile when he struggled with her bra clasp for the very first time, the satisfying tiny pop it gave when he succeeded -
Just then he heard the chimes from the City Hall tower and each of the twelve strikes sounded through his brain. "Amy, is what we just engaged in colloquially known as a nooner?"
"Mmmm mmmmm," she breathed on his skin, giving a tiny nod into his neck, her voice deep and foggy. He knew she was fighting sleep despite the hour, just as he was. It wouldn't be long until she would roll off of him. That was decidedly not one his favorites; even though he knew they couldn't sleep with one of them suffocating the other, it was the ultimate signal that their physical pleasure had reached the end. Although then it was replaced by the emotional pleasure of holding her close while they slept, and that was one of his favorites, too.
"Impromptu coitus in the middle of the day," he murmured. "Huh, I think seduction may be my new favorite."
To be continued . . .
This story is a huge departure in writing process for me, as I'm usually very regimented in terms of outlining, story arcing, theme building, foreshadowing, etc. But I'm willing to give this fly-by-night thing a try if you're willing to understand its limits.
Some disclaimers before we continue:
- Not every chapter will be a heavy M-rating. Some will be lightly M, like this one.
- Some chapters may be painfully short. Because (here's hoping) the show leaves us with the already eager clothes-throwing-kissing-while-kicking-off-their-shoes-and-running-to-the-bedroom Shamy.
- Some chapters are going to be contrived and implausible, I'm sure. It's right there in the title.
- I have no doubt that some things I write will be disproven by an episode the following month or in the spring.
- I'm going to try and get each chapter up within the week and before the next episode, but I'm sure I'll be late at some point.
If you're interested, I'm now on Instagram (handle: aprilinparisfanfic) to share story teasers and other general writing & Shamy nerdiness.
As always, most importantly, thank you in advance for your reviews!
