Harry Potter and the Invasion of the Capitalist Pigs
(No, this is not a message from our friends at the far left)
This is the sequel to "Harry Potter and the Dark Lord's Duplicate," so I suggest you read that first (But it still makes sense if you don't). It's guaranteed to put a smile on your face! Like Girlie Scout cookies, except it doesn't make you fat...unless you spend all your time reading my fanfic when you should be exercising...nevermind.
Chapter 1
Harry had been so caught up in the events of the year that he had failed to realize that he hadn't had any Defense Against the Dark Arts classes yet, and it was already after the Christmas holidays.
"Weren't you listening to a word Dumbledore said earlier?" said Hermione between turning pages of 10,000 Ways to Say I'm Better Than You by Gilderoy Lockhart, "The replacement can't arrive until January. He can't get off work until then, and he's the only one other than Snape that's willing to do the job."
Harry felt stupid, but he couldn't help it--a lot had happened in the past few months. He had been selected by the Goblet of Popularity to be Fall Ball King, only to find out that hhis name was submitted by Lord Jigglypuff, Voldemort's not-so-evil twin. His girlfriend, Mary Sue, had dumped him for Dawson, and even when Dawson left to join Buffy at the creek, she still didn't want Harry. She chose Dean, of all people. So there he was, a single loser, summing up the events of the past novel for everyone. The common room was quickly emptying, and Harry was confused once again.
"Hermione?" he asked, "Where's everyone going?"
"That must have been some butterbeer binge you went on for you not to remember. Dumbledore's giving us a surprise today."
"Goody! But why aren't you going?"
"Because I'm better than you!"
Hermione smiled to herself and returned to her book; Harry followed
the crowed and arrived in Great Hall just in time to hear Dumbledore
speak.
"Students, students...I have a special treat for you. Because it seems like everyone needs to perk up after last semester's, um, incident, I've decided to open up a Starbucks franchise at Hogwarts."
Everyone was ecstatic, because everyone who was anyone knew what Starbucks was. By opening up a franchise at Hogwarts, Starbucks had successfully conquered the world.
***
"Um," said Neville Longbottom, looking up at the huge Starbucks menu, "Can I have a crapaccino?"
"And how would you like that?" said an artsy, disaffected-looking young wizard with purple hair and black nails. Neville looked overwhelmed at the mammoth decision, "Um, could I just have it plain?"
"It doesn't come plain," said the worker in a haughty voice, "You obviously don't know what you want, so to the back of the line!"
"B-But I've b-been w-waiting--" Neville stammered. The worker's face reddened and Neville swore there was steam coming out of his ears. About to spontaneously combust, he screamed, "NO CRAPACCINO FOR YOU!"
Neville ran away crying. The disgruntled Starbucks worker, in a strained voice, said, "NEXT!"
Justin Flich-Fletchley, looking slightly shaken from the scary worker's yelling, said in a low voice, "Could I have a small crapacciono?"
The disgruntled Starbucks worker began to laugh, "Don't you mean tall?" he snorted.
"Um, no. I said small."
"Small is tall! Duh! What kind of a git doesn't know the Starbucks sizes?"
"But--But" Justin flinched. He knew what was coming.
"No crappaccino for you!" he said, shooing Justin away, "NEXT!"
But what he saw shocked him. Before him stood Cedric Driggory.
Sorry about the cliffhanger. I threw that in cause I wanted to end this chapter. Okay, the "no crapaccino for you" thing is from the soup nazi episode of Seinfeld. Also, I am not "dissing" frapaccinos. In fact, they are quite tasty. Also, Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, and Starbucks belongs to Dr. Evil and Number Two.
