Let Me In
A/N #1 – I don't own the characters...either Bellisario or Universal does. But since they won't play with these characters anymore, I do every now and then.
A/N #2 – This is an original idea, in a similar vein to I Want To Help. But, the premise is a little different, due to the anniversary involved. The events of I Want To Help have not occurred, but the time frame is some time after the S3 opener, Horn of Plenty.
Summary – String is facing an anniversary alone. Can Caitlin convince him to share his pain, and in the process, change his mind about her?
"What's wrong, Hawke?" Caitlin O'Shannessy asked her friend and co-worker, Stringfellow Hawke, one morning when he arrived at the Santini Air hangar. She had noticed him becoming more and more withdrawn over the past few days, and was becoming worried about him. Especially with Dom gone, Caitlin said to herself worriedly, knowing that Hawke's friend and their boss, Dominic Santini, was away on business. Hawke didn't even acknowledge that she'd spoken to him, which concerned Caitlin even more. Something's wrong with him, Caitlin said to herself, and I'm gonna find out what it is.
"Huh? Oh...it's nothing, Cait," Hawke mumbled. I can't let her know what's going on in my head, he said to himself. Besides...it's none of her business.
"Okay, Hawke...if you say so," Caitlin replied, downcast. If you think I believe that for one second, buddy boy, you've got another think coming! I'm gonna figure out what's bugging you, if it takes me the rest of the day.
During the day, Hawke became, if possible, even more withdrawn, which caused Caitlin to become more and more worried. Finally, while Hawke ran an errand away from the hangar, Caitlin went into the office and began looking through the calendar.
Let's see here. Dom's birthday, String's birthday, Oh, there's mine. Hope Hawke remembers this year. Michael's, Marella's, Saint John's, h mm. Nothing here that would have him this upset. Wait a sec, what's this? She noticed a date circled in black, with the initials "A&J, D" printed below it. A & J, D? What is that about? Caitlin said to herself worriedly.
Wait a second, Caitlin said to herself. What did Hawke tell us before? Something about his parents, I think. Yeah. Alan and Jane. And, I've seen their pictures on the wall back at the cabin. Satisfied that she'd unraveled that part of the mystery, Caitlin began wondering what the 'D' stood for.
A&J, okay, that much I get, Caitlin said to herself, but what about—? Wait a second—She jumped as she heard the office door open.
"What are you doing, Cait?" Hawke glared at his co-worker, and, he had to admit, good friend.
"Hawke. I didn't hear you come back. I was—I was just looking at the calendar to see if we had any shoots scheduled this week. Looks like we're clear, though," she said with a smile, albeit a forced one.
"Not surprising," Stringfellow replied in a huff, walking over to check the calendar himself. "Business has been down for a while, you know."
"Yeah, I know, Hawke," Caitlin said, stepping away from the desk. That date's tomorrow, Caitlin said to herself. I've gotta do something. But what? Well, first things first. I've gotta figure out why that date's circled on the calendar. I mean, it's got something to do with Hawke's parents, that much is obvious, but I don't know that much about them other than the fact that they died in an accident on the lake, when he was twelve. Well, maybe Dom's got something about it somewhere around here. Then, Caitlin's thoughts turned back to Stringfellow, and her feelings about him.
For months, Caitlin had been wishing that Hawke would get his head out of his ass, and realize her feelings towards him. How do I get him to understand that I—I love him? She had asked herself that same question on more than one occasion. She was surprised at the depth of her feelings for Hawke, but she realized that she had loved him for a long time. He's just so consumed by this curse he thinks he has. But why can't he understand that accidents happen, for cryin' out loud? Caitlin knew they had had this discussion on numerous occasions before, and so bringing it up again would no doubt anger Hawke. Gabrielle, fine. I understand about Hawke thinking her death was his fault, but I got the impression that this Moffet character would have killed her, whether she and Hawke were seeing each other, or not.
She recalled the conversations she'd had with Dominic about Gabrielle. I never thought Gabrielle was Hawke's type, Caitlin remembered saying. He needs someone more like—more like me.Someone who ain't afraid to take the bull by the horns, and someone who can take care of herself. Of course, I know Gabrielle had self-defense training—just like we did in the Highway Patrol. Still...Caitlin couldn't shake the thought that Gabrielle hadn't been prepared for what happened with Moffet, both because Archangel sent her by surprise, after Angela was murdered, and because Moffet, like some of the criminals Caitlin had fought with the Texas Highway Patrol, didn't always fight fair.
"Cait?" Hawke asked. He'd noticed her expression change from concern to frustration. "Hey, Cait...where were you just now?"
"What? I'm sorry, Hawke," Caitlin said, shaking her head. "I just spaced out there for a second. What were you saying?"
"I was saying, Cait, that maybe we should think about what we're doing the rest of the week," Hawke said, confused. "Dom won't be back until Monday, and I can't imagine he'd be too happy about us being here with no business."
I think I know what he's thinking, Cait said to herself. Out loud, she said, "Well, I guess that would be okay, Hawke. But I have to tell you, I'd miss you," she watched Hawke's face for any reaction.
"Oh, Cait. You could get along without me for a couple of days, couldn't you?" Hawke said, shaking his head. "After all, we usually spend our weekends apart."
And it drives me crazy, Caitlin said to herself. She forced herself not to tell Hawke exactly what she thought of his statement. I hate not seeing you from Friday afternoon until Monday. And, today's only Wednesday. If I don't see you until next week, I don't know what I'll do. Caitlin found she had to bite her lip to keep from crying, and hoped Hawke hadn't noticed.
"Cait? You okay?" Hawke asked. He glanced over at his friend, and noticed her eyes filling with tears. What'd I say? He couldn't imagine anything he'd said recently that would have produced this sort of reaction from Caitlin. I'm sure glad Dom's not here, Hawke said to himself. Otherwise, I'd never hear the end of this.
Dang it. He noticed. "Oh, it's nothing, String," Caitlin said to him as she furiously wiped at her eyes. "Just...thinking, that's all."
Aha. Right. And, I'm Gen. Douglas MacArthur, Hawke said to himself. Something's bothering you, Cait, and I'm going to find out what. "Are you sure?" He asked, looking into her eyes, and noticing something for the first time. Her eyes are beautiful. How come I never noticed that before?
"Yeah, Hawke. I'm sure," Caitlin said, more forcefully than she'd intended. She'd noticed him staring into her eyes, more intensely than she could recall, and without the aviator shades he always wore, so she could look directly into his piercing, ice-blue eyes. What is with him? He's never looked at me like that before. And—his eyes—are gorgeous. I swear, I could get lost in those eyes. And, if I'm not careful, I will. She quickly averted her gaze away from Hawke.
"Anyway, so we're gonna close up the hangar, and then I'll see you Monday?" Hawke asked.
"Yeah. I guess so," Caitlin replied, crestfallen. They quickly closed down the hangar, and Hawke boarded a chopper to head back to the cabin. As the chopper lifted off, Caitlin said to herself, Not if I have anything to say about it, Stringfellow Hawke. If you think I'm gonna let you stew in that cabin for the next five days, then my friend, you've got another think coming. One way or the other, I'm gonna figure out what's been bugging you, and maybe, I can help, if you'll let me.
Going back into the office, Caitlin got into the personnel files, and opened the folder marked "Hawke, S." and began thumbing through the papers. Finally, she realized she'd have to do some extra digging. The library should have what I'm looking for, Caitlin said to herself as she put the file away, then locked up the office and headed for home, after she made a stop at the library. Well. Now I know what that "D" stands for, That's the date Hawke's parents died. Now I understand why he's been acting the way he has the last few days. I know he's not gonna appreciate it, but tomorrow, she said to herself, I'm gonna be there for Hawke. And, this is gonna sound awful selfish of me, but maybe—just maybe—by bein' there for String tomorrow, I can get him to understand how much I love him.
The next morning, Hawke found himself standing in front of two graves. He stroked the top of both stones, tears in his eyes.
"Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad," he said sadly, unaware he was not alone. "It's been another year and I miss you as much now, as I ever have. We still haven't found Saint John, but I still think we will," Hawke said to the air, wiping a tear from his face. Caitlin stood behind a tree a few feet away, close enough to allow her to hear what Hawke was saying, but out of his line of sight. If I can just stay quiet, she said to herself, he'll never know I'm here.
"No, Dad. There's nobody," Hawke was saying, as if in answer to an unspoken question. "I mean, Caitlin's a good friend, and all, but..." He left the rest of the sentence unspoken, and Caitlin had to grip the branches above her head to keep from storming out and confronting Hawke. 'Cause if I went out there now, I'd tear his head off, I'm so danged mad, Caitlin said to herself when she heard String say, "there's nobody...", but she calmed down when he added, "Caitlin's a good friend and all, but..."
Well, at least he thinks of me as a good friend, Caitlin said to herself, and relaxed a little. I guess I can wait a little longer before I give him a piece of my mind. She glanced back towards Hawke as she heard him continue.
"I know, Dad," Hawke continued. "I know I shouldn't spend my life alone. And, I do care about Caitlin, maybe a lot more than she realizes." Caitlin caught her breath at that statement, and recalled her words to Dominic a few weeks earlier, when Hawke had been kidnapped by John Bradford Horn. Dom had insisted that he, alone, would deliver Airwolf, per Hawke's videotaped instructions, but Caitlin had said, "Dom. Don't do that to me. I care about him, too, you know. Probably more than you know." She was shocked to hear Hawke saying almost the same thing about her. Well, I know now, Cait said to herself, at least I know he cares. But the question is—does he care about me the same way I care about him? Does he—love me—the same way I love him? Caitlin asked herself, taking several deep breaths to calm herself, and hoping String couldn't hear her.
"It's not like that, Mom," Hawke was saying, and Caitlin wondered what he could be thinking as he continued. "I can't risk giving my heart to Caitlin, or anybody, with the curse I have," Hawke was saying. "I mean you and Dad, Kelly, all dead. And we don't know what's going on with Saint John., and everybody seems to think that he's dead, too. I can't—I can't lose Cait, like I've lost everybody else," Hawke whispered, not knowing the effects his words were having. "If—if there was just some way I could be sure..."
That does it! I've heard enough, Caitlin said to herself as she stepped out from behind the tree and advanced towards Hawke. "If there was some way you could be sure about what, Hawke?" She demanded.
"Caitlin? What—how—what the hell are you doing here?" Hawke spluttered, angry and confused all at the same time. How the hell did she find out? Hawke knew the date was marked on Dom's calendar back at the hangar. But, she had to find out where I'd be, somehow.
"Hawke, I admit I snooped the files after you left yesterday to find out all the details about today," Caitlin said, nervously, as she walked towards him, and stopped when she got within arm's length of him. "And, I went to the library after work to find out where your parents are buried. But I did it—I did it because—because I care. I care about you, String," Caitlin said, and he was startled at her use of his first name. She never calls me 'String,' Hawke said to himself, feeling his anger lessening gradually.
"String, you shouldn't be alone today," Caitlin continued, reaching towards him to put a hand on his shoulder, and smiling when he didn't draw back. "Believe me, it's a lot easier to deal with things like this when you have someone to share them with. And, I never told you this before, but I know how you feel."
"How the hell do you know how I feel?" Hawke demanded. "Your parents weren't taken away from you when you were only twelve years old!"
"My father was," Caitlin retorted, noticing Hawke's expression change from anger to puzzlement. "Haven't you ever wondered why I never talk about Daddy, Hawke? And, why I don't go home on Christmas, or Thanksgiving?"
"I guess—I guess so," Hawke admitted.
"I don't talk about him for the same reason you don't talk about your parents much," Caitlin said. "It—it hurts too much, remembering Daddy and knowing all the things he never got to see. He—he never got to see me graduate high school, or college. He never got to meet you and Dom, or hear about my job..." Caitlin's voice broke and she began to cry. Not knowing what else to do, Hawke wrapped her in his arms and allowed her to cry, knowing that this might be the best thing he could possibly do. After a few minutes, he noticed Caitlin raise her head from his shoulder and look into his eyes again.
"Cait, I never..." Hawke stammered, not knowing what to say. Finally, he settled on, "When?"
"Christmas Eve, Hawke," Caitlin said, her voice quavering. "Daddy had been sick for a while, but that night, we had just finished opening gifts and were getting ready for Midnight Mass, and Daddy had a heart attack. Mom called the paramedics, and I gave him CPR, but they took too long getting to the house. By the time they got there, he—he was gone," she said sadly.
"Cait, I'm sorry," Hawke said, and he hoped she could tell that meant it. "I guess—I guess you do know what it's like to lose someone you love, don't you?"
"Yeah, Hawke. Maybe I didn't lose both my parents, like you did, but I know how it feels," Caitlin said stubbornly.
"And that explains why you get the way you do around Christmas time," Hawke said, recalling last Christmas, when Caitlin seemed to bounce from serious Christmas overdrive, to a serious Christmas depression. "Why didn't you tell Dom and me this, before?"
"Simple. Neither one of ya asked," Caitlin said with a smile, and Hawke knew she was right. We never did ask.
"What can I say, Caitlin? I—I'm sorry," Hawke said, knowing those few words wouldn't take all of her pain away.
"Thanks, String. I guess it just goes to prove that you're not the only one who's ever lost anybody," Caitlin said, and Hawke had to grudgingly admit, she was right.
"Well?" Caitlin demanded, her expression changing to her familiar million-dollar smile.
"Well, what?" Hawke answered, not knowing what she was driving at.
"Well, aren't you going to introduce me to your parents?" Caitlin said with a grin.
"Well," Hawke hesitated, then smiled and said, "Sure, I guess so. Mom, Dad, this is Cait, the girl I was telling you about," Hawke said as Caitlin stepped forward, and laid one hand on each of the headstones. Well, here goes nothing—and everything, Caitlin said to herself.
"Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Hawke. My name is Caitlin and..." She paused, not sure what she was going to say. Then, a wave of confidence overtook her, and she finished her sentence. "And, I love your son," she blurted out, ignoring Hawke's startled expression. "I've loved him ever since I met him, and I always will." Calmly, she stepped away from the headstones and turned back to Hawke.
"That's something else I've never told you," Caitlin said, gazing deeply into his eyes. "And, you still haven't answered my question. 'If there was some way you could be sure'...about what, Hawke?"
Hawke stood, dumbfounded by the confession he'd just heard. "Cait. I was saying, 'if there was some way I could be sure I wouldn't lose you.' That's what I started to say. I just, I can't give my heart to you like I did with Kelly, and Gabrielle, if I'm just going to lose you, like I lost them." He hung his head, embarrassed that this revelation had come out, especially here of all places.
"Hawke. Look at me," Caitlin ordered him. "Dammit, I said, 'look at me.'" She forced Hawke to look her in the eyes as she continued."Hawke, please. Just let me in. In case you've forgotten, I was the one who saved you from Horn." Hawke had to admit that he did remember, albeit vaguely, how Caitlin had come into his room and, after a short fight, injected him with the antidote that counteracted the drugs Horn had used to brainwash him.
"And," she continued, "I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself, in case you haven't noticed." Hawke had to admit that yes, Caitlin had gotten herself out of several potentially deadly situations recently, especially the way she had saved the helicopter after the fight with Holly Matthews, Dom's crazed niece, when Holly had tried to murder Caitlin the previous year. Yeah, we kept the missiles off her tail, but if she weren't as good of a pilot as she is, she never would've been able to pull ole' 4-4 Charlie out of that spin. And, when Villers tried to shoot her down, she evaded some of those Sidewinders without our help.
"I mean, let's face it, Hawke," Caitlin continued, choosing her words carefully. "We don't know what tomorrow might bring. You could be killed doing a stunt, or something else, or I could buy it in a car wreck on the way to the hangar some morning, not to mention that confounded pocket rocket motorcycle you ride, without a helmet, I might add; and we'd never know what we might have together, if you just let me in. Nobody knows what the future holds, Hawke. You have to live every day as it comes. And personally," she said with a longing gaze into Hawke's eyes, "I'd rather spend those days, however many there are, with you."
"I—um—I don't know what to say, Cait," Hawke stammered, and he knew it was the truth. Suddenly, he felt something—a change in the air, as if something were settling around them. Hawke realized that what he was feeling was the lifting of the burden of the past few years from his heart. Replacing those feelings, Hawke felt a deep, abiding love for Caitlin surfacing. It's always been there, Hawke realized. But, I've been too stupid to realize it until now. "Cait? There's...there's something I need to tell you."
She looked up at him, hope shining in her blue-green eyes. "Yes, String?"
Hawke smiled, a warm, loving smile that nearly took Caitlin's breath away as he wrapped her in his arms. "I love you, Caitlin O'Shannessy," Hawke said, feeling the tears well up in his eyes.
"String, I love you, too," Caitlin said, just before he claimed her lips with his own. They shared a deep, tender and loving kiss, even more intense than the one they'd shared at the studio a year ago. In fact, Caitlin swore to herself that her brain was short-circuiting. And, my toes are curling again...that, I know, she said to herself. And I'm tellin' you something right now, God. If Heaven doesn't feel just like this—the feelin' I have right now, bein' in String's arms, and bein' kissed by him the way I've always wanted him to kiss me—then, I'm not coming!
Finally, after what felt to her like far too long, but at the same time not nearly long enough, she broke the kiss and pulled back, gazing into Hawke's eyes again.
"Thank you, Caitlin," Hawke said sincerely.
"For what?" She asked, not knowing exactly what he meant.
"For being here today, and for what you just told me," Hawke answered her as he pulled her close to him again. "And, I'm sorry it took me so long to realize how I felt about you."
"String, it's okay," Caitlin told him, and gave him a reassuring squeeze. "I understand, and, I forgive you. I'm just...I'm just glad we don't have any more secrets, you know?"
"Yeah," Hawke replied as they held each other. "So, where do we go from here?"
"Well, first," Caitlin said, "I think we should say our good-byes, and then..." her eyes twinkled happily as she turned to the gravestones, laid a hand on each of them once again, and said, "Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Hawke, for giving me the courage to do what I did today. And, don't worry—I'll never hurt String—and I'm going to help Dom take care of him from now on," she vowed.
"I guess there's not much more I can say," Hawke said as he laid his hands on top of Caitlin's, "except that I'll never hurt Cait, either. And, I'll...wait," he said, glancing at their hands, "I mean—we'll see you next year." And if I have anything to say about it, Hawke said to himself as he took Caitlin's hand and they began walking towards her car, when we come back next year, it will be as husband and wife.
"By the way, Cait," Hawke began hesitantly, "you never told me what made you tear up like that at the hangar yesterday."
"Doesn't matter now, Hawke," Caitlin replied, smiling at him. "But if you absolutely need to know, I was sad at the thought of not seeing you again until Monday morning back at the hangar, and that's why I was tearing up."
Aw, Cait, Hawke said to himself. Aloud, he said, "Well, that doesn't matter anymore. I think I'm safe in saying this—we're gonna be seeing a lot more of each other away from work."
"I'm glad, String," Caitlin replied as she snuggled against him, and she smiled up at him, the million-dollar smile that he was so in love with.
The Cabin, Monday morning
"Mornin', Dom!" String called out as he climbed into Dom's chopper to head to the hangar, a grin plastered across his face.
"Mornin', String," Dom replied, suddenly feeling anxious. Something's going on with him, Dom said to himself. He's never this happy. "You okay? Something seems different about you today."
"Different? Whataya mean, Dom?" Hawke queried, an innocent look on his face.
"Oh, I dunno, String...maybe the fact that you're wearing a grin that looks like it needs to be surgically removed," Dom chided his friend. "Not that I'm complaining...I've gotta admit, it looks good on you...I just don't understand why you're grinning like that."
"Well, Dom, some things happened while you were away last week," Hawke said, still grinning. "And things have changed between Caitlin and me." He smiled when he remembered how Caitlin had flown him back to the cabin after their meeting at the cemetery, and the toe-curling kiss they exchanged before she left. I think my toes curled, Hawke said to himself as he heard Dom talking to him again.
"Changed? Is this...good change, or bad change?" Dom demanded, confused and concerned all at once. I hope it's a good change, Dom said to himself.
"Guess that depends," Hawke said, and his grin turned decidedly mischievous, "on what you think about Caitlin and me. She—she came to Mom and Dad's graves on Thursday, Dom, and we talked. About a lot of things. Anyway, she told Mom and Dad that she loved me." Hawke watched his friend to gauge his reaction, and was not disappointed.
"YEE-HAA!" Dom shouted, then he realized something. "Wait a second...you said she told Alan and Jane that she loved you, but what did you tell her?" Dom demanded. If you didn't tell her you love her too, String, so help me, I don't know what I'll do. But you won't like it! And we'll probably lose Cait forever, 'cause she'll be on the next plane back to Texas. He glanced worriedly over at his younger surrogate son, and grew impatient as Hawke simply grinned back at him.
Finally, Hawke knew his surrogate father was getting angry. "I told her the truth, Dom," Hawke replied, smiling at his old friend. "I told her I love her, too."
"Well, all I can say is, goddammit, String, it's about time!" Dom stated as he set the chopper down. Once they were both out, Dom turned to Hawke and said, "I've gotta say, String, you've made an old man very happy today!" Dom engulfed his friend and younger surrogate son in a powerful, manly embrace.
"Not as happy as I am," Caitlin called out from the hangar as she saw String and Dom coming towards her. She jogged over to meet them and fell into String's waiting embrace, and they shared another deep and loving kiss.
"All right, all right!" Dom said gruffly, but Caitlin and Hawke could both read the glee in his expression. "Not too much of that mushy stuff around me. You'll give me cavities, with all that sweetness!" Inside, though, Dom's heart was singing. Mamma Mia, it's a miracle! Dom said to himself, and included a silent prayer to Saint Jude, the patron saint of all hopeless people and causes.
"Sorry, Dom," Hawke said, still holding Caitlin close to him. "And we'll try not to embarrass you...too much," he said with a grin. "But.."
"I figured as much," Dom said with a grin of his own. "Just...oh, heck. I'm just happy for you two!"
"Thanks, Dom. And Mom's happy, too," Caitlin said. "We talked Thursday night, after everything happened."
"Well, I'm glad your mom is happy," String said. "But, I'm betting she's not as happy as we are."
"That's a bet you'd win," Caitlin said with her familiar impish grin. "I don't think anybody could be as happy as we are, Hawke." She gave him a quick kiss as they went back to work.
When they left that day, Hawke took Caitlin up to the cabin for dinner, so they could spend some time alone together. The longer they talked, the more Hawke realized just how much he loved Caitlin, and how much he had to make up for. Hawke tried repeatedly to apologize for his attitude the past year, but Caitlin would hear none of it.
"Hawke, it's okay," Caitlin told him when he dropped her back at her apartment that night. "I said it at the graves last week. I understand, and I forgive you. What happened before, well, it's in the past. All that matters now is that we know we love each other, and, we always will," she concluded, before giving him a passionate kiss.
"Yeah, Cait," Hawke replied. "We always will." By the time he'd returned to the cabin, Hawke was already missing her. But it's too soon for that, he thought to himself. Someday, maybe, we'll be spending our nights here, too. All in good time, he said to himself as he climbed into bed that night. All in good time. Something felt different to Hawke, as if a great burden had lifted from the air around the cabin. Thanks, Mom and Dad, he said to himself. Thank you for everything.
