Has your heart ever ached so badly, but there was nothing you could do about it?
I'm not supposed to have feelings towards Xander anymore. I should hate his guts for what he did to me. And not just the cheating-on-me part. Not just because I'll always have a scar to remember him by. Not just because my old friends consider me even more of a loser than before because I'm "Xander's dumpee." (Hey, it's better to let them think he dumped me than to tell them the truth.)
I should hate him because I love him. After all this time, and all he's done, stupid me still wants him near me. Am I glutton for punishment, or what?
But I know I can't go back. I won't either. That'd be giving in, and thats so not my style. He wouldn't suffer like he rightfully should. So that's why I continue to ridicule him. It makes me feel better.
But is he suffering, anyways? He doesn't seem all that unhappy. Maybe that's why I'm so unhappy. Because he isn't. He let me go, for crying out loud! I'm the one that's supposed to do the letting go! He did an awful thing, and I almost died because of it! And what, I'm supposed to be Ms. Nice Girl to him? Not go out with other guys, and then look his way to see if he cares, or even notices? I don't think so.
The fact that he seems to be over me makes me ache. I'm supposed to get over him first. He's supposed to stay guilty. He's supposed to look my way, and realize what a huge mistake he's made.
Maybe. . . well, what if he doesn't think it was a mistake? Was he more to me than I was to him? I know we had an abnormal relationship. I know we hit bumps. But I loved him. I love him.
God, why can't I just forget him like he forgot me?! Why am I putting myself through such torture?
Xander's the first guy to ever break my heart. I had never gotten that involved with anyone before. I was always the dumper. Did I ever hurt anyone the way he hurt me? If I did, I'm sorry for it a thousand times over.
The kiss. It was the anniversary of that fateful kiss in Buffy's basement, the kiss that seemed to lead to madness. I didn't mention the special date to Xander. I hadn't expected him to remember, I mean, he's a guy. How did I even remember? It was just a kiss, just another day.
But I had remembered. And one year to the day of that kiss, another kiss took place. A kiss I witnessed. A kiss that broke my heart. A kiss that scarred me in more ways than one.
He'll date other girls. I heard this sickening rumor the other day, something about him and that skanky Faith. God, I hate her. And Willow, especially. Bitches.
And I'll date other guys, of course. My rebound period's about up.
Will I ever meet another Xander? With soft brown eyes, sweet kisses that mean more to me than he thinks, and the guts to stand up to me and not give in? I hope so, and I won't let him go.
And will Xander ever meet another me? Someone who's smile reminds him of mine, someone that loves him but would never dream of letting it up that easily? I hope so. And I hope he loves her dearly. Because then, I can imagine him loving me.
I'm not supposed to have feelings towards Xander anymore. I should hate his guts for what he did to me. And not just the cheating-on-me part. Not just because I'll always have a scar to remember him by. Not just because my old friends consider me even more of a loser than before because I'm "Xander's dumpee." (Hey, it's better to let them think he dumped me than to tell them the truth.)
I should hate him because I love him. After all this time, and all he's done, stupid me still wants him near me. Am I glutton for punishment, or what?
But I know I can't go back. I won't either. That'd be giving in, and thats so not my style. He wouldn't suffer like he rightfully should. So that's why I continue to ridicule him. It makes me feel better.
But is he suffering, anyways? He doesn't seem all that unhappy. Maybe that's why I'm so unhappy. Because he isn't. He let me go, for crying out loud! I'm the one that's supposed to do the letting go! He did an awful thing, and I almost died because of it! And what, I'm supposed to be Ms. Nice Girl to him? Not go out with other guys, and then look his way to see if he cares, or even notices? I don't think so.
The fact that he seems to be over me makes me ache. I'm supposed to get over him first. He's supposed to stay guilty. He's supposed to look my way, and realize what a huge mistake he's made.
Maybe. . . well, what if he doesn't think it was a mistake? Was he more to me than I was to him? I know we had an abnormal relationship. I know we hit bumps. But I loved him. I love him.
God, why can't I just forget him like he forgot me?! Why am I putting myself through such torture?
Xander's the first guy to ever break my heart. I had never gotten that involved with anyone before. I was always the dumper. Did I ever hurt anyone the way he hurt me? If I did, I'm sorry for it a thousand times over.
The kiss. It was the anniversary of that fateful kiss in Buffy's basement, the kiss that seemed to lead to madness. I didn't mention the special date to Xander. I hadn't expected him to remember, I mean, he's a guy. How did I even remember? It was just a kiss, just another day.
But I had remembered. And one year to the day of that kiss, another kiss took place. A kiss I witnessed. A kiss that broke my heart. A kiss that scarred me in more ways than one.
He'll date other girls. I heard this sickening rumor the other day, something about him and that skanky Faith. God, I hate her. And Willow, especially. Bitches.
And I'll date other guys, of course. My rebound period's about up.
Will I ever meet another Xander? With soft brown eyes, sweet kisses that mean more to me than he thinks, and the guts to stand up to me and not give in? I hope so, and I won't let him go.
And will Xander ever meet another me? Someone who's smile reminds him of mine, someone that loves him but would never dream of letting it up that easily? I hope so. And I hope he loves her dearly. Because then, I can imagine him loving me.
