SUNDAY
On Sunday morning, Kurama awoke to the earsplitting screech of the smoke alarm. He shot up in bed, still only partially conscious, and attempted to determine why thick curls of black smoke were billowing along the ceiling of his apartment. That was when he spotted Hiei, still in his pajamas, standing in the kitchenette, with flames leaping up in front of him. As a fire apparition, it would be fitting if Hiei himself were the source of the flames, but upon further investigation, Kurama determined the offending fire was actually rising from his stove top.
"Hiei, what are you doing!?" Kurama shouted, stumbling over the nest of bed covers as he attempted to reach the kitchen.
"Well I was going to make breakfast," Hiei snarled. "Until that annoying sound began."
"That's the smoke detector!"
Kurama snatched up the nearest receptacle he could find, a used coffee cup from yesterday, filled it with water, and dumped the cold liquid onto the stove. The fire was extinguished with an unimpressive sizzle. Hiei was left staring incredulously at the charred mess Kurama had created where a perfectly decent fire recently burned.
"Are you still asleep?" Hiei growled. "What's wrong with you?"
"I beg your pardon?" Kurama was gearing up to bestow Hiei with a few stern words, when a harsh pounding was heard against the front door.
"Minamino? Minamino!"
"Coming, coming!" Kurama hurried to the door and yanked it open to find his elderly landlady standing outside, still in her robe and nightgown.
"Minamino, what's going on in there?"
"Nothing!" he assured her, "everything is fine! My eggs were burning, that's all!"
The old woman peeked around the corner and glared harshly at Hiei, who was standing in the kitchenette looking like he'd drop everything and pick a fight with her if she dared to challenge him. She folded her arms and huffed loudly as she looked back up at Kurama.
"Listen to me young man, I give you a break on your rent because your stepfather is a friend of mine," she said, "but too much more of your funny business and I have mind to kick you out onto the street!"
"Yes, of course, I understand," Kurama said, nodding his head apologetically with every word.
"And cut your hair!" she spat. "You look ridiculous!"
With that, she slammed the door in his face and went marching down the hallway, back to her own apartment. Once he was certain she'd stomped all the way down the stairs, Kurama turned his own glare on Hiei.
"What were you thinking?"
"I told you," Hiei said. "You were asleep, and I was hungry."
"Why were you lighting a fire indoors!?" Kurama exclaimed.
"You fool, how else was I supposed to light the stove?"
"Hiei, this is an electric stove!" Kurama shoved in front of him, turned the knob for the nearest burner, and stuck Hiei's hand flat against the glass stove top. "It doesn't have a flame like the stove at my mother's house."
Hiei could feel a distinct heat rising under his palm, and kept his hand there far past the point of tolerance of any human. The warmth seemed to be emanating from some indeterminable source below the surface of the cook top. Finally, when the temperature reached the stage when the average person's flesh would start blistering and oozing, he pulled his hand away and frowned with annoyance.
"How was I supposed to know that?"
"You could have just asked me," Kurama sighed, already worn out, though he'd been awake for less than ten minutes.
He slumped against the counter, pawing absently at his tangle of red hair and holding back a powerful yawn. Less than one month had passed since Hiei moved into his apartment full time, but he'd already caused enough trouble to test Kurama's nerves for an entire year. Kurama was used to Hiei's general lack of etiquette when it came to customs like taking off his shoes indoors, or cleaning up after himself. The majority of Kurama's headaches arose not from Hiei himself, but from having to explain the demon's peculiar behavior to his nosy neighbors. Already he'd been confronted about why his roommate slept on the balcony, loitered on the roof, and seemed to appear and disappear at all hours of the day and night without ever coming through the building's front doors.
The newest threat from his landlady was only the most recent of several, and this time around, Kurama had no doubt she would follow through. Since he had no intention of crawling back to his mother and step-father's house in shame, he made the decision that something absolutely had to be done about Hiei's wild habits.
"Hiei..." he was all set to begin his lecture, until he spotted the demon staring bashfully out the terrace door. It was obvious Hiei never had any intention of inconveniencing him, and may have even thought he was being helpful by attempting to fix breakfast. Kurama's tense expression melted, and he sighed again. "Hiei, I know you didn't mean any harm, but if you plan to live here, you must make an effort to acclimate to human life."
"The lifestyles of humans are needlessly complicated," Hiei muttered.
"I know," Kurama said, taking care to keep his tone mild and accepting. "You need to at least try, not just for me, but for my family as well."
"Oh, that," Hiei scoffed.
"This coming weekend, Kazuya is taking the family to see his parents, and he and my mother insist that you come with us," Kurama reminded him. "They won't have it any other way."
Hiei did nothing but fold his arms to express his disapproval. Kazuya Hatanaka, Kurama's stepfather, was near the top of Hiei's list of the most annoying humans to ever walk the planet. The man never seemed to stop talking, and everything he said was mindless, inconsequential babble. What he lacked in substance, he made up for in wealth, which meant that since Hiei and Kurama officially became an item, the man had attempted to invite them on every possible family outing imaginable, all at his own expense. Up until recently, Kurama managed to politely refuse every single invitation, but this time, there was no backing out.
For two days, Hiei would be forced to spend his valuable time with a pair of ancient, shriveled human beings, who according to Kurama, were as conservative and traditional as their son was easygoing and generous. They were stiff, stuffy, and strict, the worst kind of people. They would not take kindly to someone who spent much of his time lounging in trees or slaughtering troublesome apparitions.
Hiei's fantasy of snuffing out their miserable lives was interrupted by Kurama's hands gently cupping his shoulders.
"This morning's mishap tells me that I have my work cut out for me," Kurama said. "But if you agree to cooperate, I believe we can manage."
"Manage what?" Hiei asked, eyes narrowing with suspicion.
"Your transformation," Kurama announced. "I have exactly one week to change you from an untamed youkai into a passable human... at least long enough to convince my stepfather's family."
Hiei sneered with blatant disgust. He'd ended up taking on many roles he'd never planned to play. He'd become a brother, a teammate, a friend, a tournament champion, and now a lover. But the one thing Hiei would never become, even if the very fate of Heaven and Earth depended on him, was a cold blooded, vile, pathetic, sniveling, human.
That afternoon, once Kurama was done preening himself in front of the bathroom mirror, he dragged Hiei along to the local shopping mall. Hiei was dolled up in human clothes from head to toe, but felt naked as ever without a katana hanging from his belt. The only remnant of his demon self was his own youki and the warded headband covering his Jagan. Kurama, who was clearly perfectly comfortable in his denim pants and moss green shirt, held the glass doors open for his companion when they reached the entrance to the mall.
"After you," he offered.
"I don't need any help opening a door," Hiei spat, but stepped inside anyway.
"Lesson One," Kurama said, as he walked in after Hiei and matched his hasty stride. "Human interactions are built upon many strata of politeness. Since you and I are close, I usually excuse your rude remarks, but typically when someone holds open a door, you should thank him and pass through, regardless of whether you need assistance or not."
"What's the point of helping someone who's perfectly capable?" Hiei asked. "Besides, anyone too weak to open a door deserves to be left outside."
Kurama sighed and shook his head lightly, then steered Hiei towards a nearby home and garden store. He weaved through the crowd, smiling courteously at any strangers who made eye contact in the hopes that he could compensate for Hiei's evil glares.
"Let's just find what we came here for," Kurama said.
"Remind me why we're wasting our time in this crowded place?" Hiei remarked when they entered the brightly lit store.
"Tonight Kuwabara is having a housewarming party in his new apartment," Kurama reminded him.
"Which you'll be attending by yourself," Hiei said.
"No, we will be attending the party together," Kurama corrected him. "It will be an excellent opportunity for you to practice your manners."
Hiei's shoulders slumped and a growl formed deep in his throat.
"Now, when attending a housewarming party, it's customary to bring a gift," Kurama said. "We're here to pick out a bonsai, which is a token of good luck, and a straw broom, meant to sweep away evil spirits."
"Hn, like us?" Hiei scoffed, rolling his eyes.
"Obviously the superstition is unfounded," Kurama said. "But the sentiment behind it is the same."
"Why not a rope?" Hiei suggested, "so Kuwabara can sling it over the rafters and hang himself."
"Lesson Two," Kurama muttered. "Death threats have no place in polite conversation."
"I may be ignorant when it comes to pointless traditions like 'house warming parties'," Hiei said, "but I'm not blind to that fool's intentions."
They approached the first rack of the garden section, which was filled with neat rows of potted plants. Shelves along the nearest wall held large plastic sacks of soil. The concept of buying dirt, a material that could easily be found lying around outside, filled Hiei with annoyance. He turned away and tailed Kurama until they found a shelf of tiny bonsai trees coiling in aesthetically pleasing shapes. Obviously, Kurama could grow and groom such a plant himself, but Hiei suspected it was the ornamental ceramic planters he was after, more than anything.
"The oaf plans to have my sister move in with him," Hiei said, continuing his rant while Kurama inspected the bonsai. "And if your reaction to having me live with you is any indication, there's only one place that will lead."
Kurama looked down over his shoulder and graced Hiei with a patronizing smile.
"You and Yukina are the same age, with the same needs and desires as any mature demon," Kurama said. "Is there any real reason she should be denied the pleasures you've taken for yourself?"
Hiei lowered his head and leered from beneath his bangs.
"You're disgusting."
"That's not what you said last night."
Kurama selected a plant with a deep blue pot, accented by a gold motif of leaves and vines, and completely ignored the look of total indignation Hiei was casting his way.
"This is the kind of complete perversion Yukina should avoid," Hiei said.
"Yukina is no more a child than you are," Kurama said. "If she wants to move in with Kuwabara and enjoy his company, you have no business stopping her." He turned and pointed his fingertip towards Hiei's nose. "Especially since you're still not willing to tell her you're her brother."
Kurama carefully cradled the miniature tree in one arm and continued to another section of the store, confident that Hiei would follow. In no time, he'd pulled a sturdy wooden broom from its hook and then paid for both items without incident. As a reward for behaving himself throughout the purchasing process, Kurama led Hiei to the food court to grab some lunch.
The dining area was alive with conversations and the sound of footsteps against smooth white tile. After ducking past chatting young women and several gaggles of noisy teenagers, they finally reached a counter specializing in fried lunch platters.
"Number ten," Hiei said to Kurama, after he eyed a photograph displaying chicken katsu, sauteed cabbage, rice, salad, and array of sauces. "And something to drink."
"Why don't you order it yourself?" Kurama suggested.
In the world of humans, interacting with strangers was basically unavoidable. Since most of Hiei's past encounters involved slicing demons he met into small chunks, rather than striking up casual conversation, it seemed sensible to give him as much experience in that area as possible.
"And I suppose you expect me to order for you, too?" he said.
"I think taking care of yourself will suffice," Kurama answered gently, and nudged Hiei towards the counter when their turn arrived.
The girl stationed at the register smiled enthusiastically and stood up straight and tall. Hiei stared her down, from the badge she wore on her shirt to the ridiculous red and yellow cap perched on her dark hair. She was little more than a child, but she met his harsh gaze without displaying any signs of intimidation.
"How may I help you?" she asked.
"Give me-"
Hiei felt a firm jab along his spine, which he suspected was the broom handle.
"Please give me number ten," he said, waited for a sign of admonition from Kurama, and quickly added, "now."
He was shoved aside and Kurama completed their order without conferring with him again.
Kurama climbed the stairs to Kuwabara's new apartment beneath the light of the moon and nearby street lamps. He was holding the straw broom, adorned with a simple, decorative bow, and a bottle of sake, while Hiei carried the bonsai. As they crossed the exterior walkway that led to the apartments on the third floor, Kuwabara's dwelling stood out like a marching band parading through a Shinto shrine. Loud music shook the walls, and almost completely drowned out the clamor of equally raucous voices. For a fleeting second, Hiei felt sorry for Kuwabara's neighbors, though luckily for them, they didn't seem to be home.
The door came flying open before Kurama was able to knock, and revealed Kuwabara's pale face and excited smile.
"Hey, Kurama, come on in!" When he glanced to the left, all the enthusiasm suddenly drained from his eyes. "Oh, you brought Hiei."
"Some welcome," Hiei huffed.
"Hiei is going to be on his best behavior tonight," Kurama assured.
"Yeah well," Kuwabara muttered and leaned through the doorway, raising one hand to block his mouth from any prospective lip readers. "My friends don't know about the whole demon thing, so make sure you don't say anything weird."
Hiei merely glared as he followed Kurama into the genkan, took off his shoes, and set the bonsai down on the nearest patch of floor. He'd been masquerading as a human in the presence of Kurama's family long enough to know what topics were taboo. He didn't need any obvious reminders from a dim witted dolt like Kuwabara. Once inside, his strategy would be what it usually was: avoid conversation at all costs.
Immediately, he began scoping out the apartment. So far, the place was sparsely furnished, containing only a sofa, small dining table, and two chairs. Several cardboard boxes were stacked up in the corner near the door to the washroom. Beyond the living area was what Hiei presumed to be a tiny kitchen, since the smell of fresh food seemed to be emanating from within. What the apartment lacked in furniture, it made up for in human bodies. Hiei vaguely recognized the three goons who had been following Kuwabara around since Junior High, but there were several other humans who he'd never seen before. Fortunately, they appeared far too enamored with their drinks and each other to pay him any mind.
Just as he was about to blend into the sofa and disappear, Hiei was surprised to hear his name being spoken.
"Hiei!"
He turned on the spot and discovered Yukina, dressed in a blue floral printed top and denim shorts. She looked just as comfortable as any human present, and was holding a plate piled with more snacks than could possibly fit inside her petite form.
"I'm surprised to see you here," she said.
"So am I," he muttered.
"It's very nice of you to come support Kazuma, though," she continued. "He's been working so hard to save enough money to afford his own home."
Hiei wasn't certain exactly what Kuwabara had been doing in terms of employment, and wasn't interested enough to ask. He nodded to Yukina, though, all while trying to come up with some reason to escape any further interaction with her. Like Kuwabara's human friends, much of Hiei's history was still unknown to Yukina, including the somewhat critical fact that he was her brother.
"Here," she said, as she held the overflowing plate up to his chin. "Would you like to try some pork gyoza? Yusuke made them."
"Uh..."
"Hiei!"
He heard his voice ringing above the chaotic music once again, this time from Kurama, who had somehow ended up in the kitchen.
"I'll be back," he said in a hurry, barely making eye contact with Yukina before he ducked past the series of human roadblocks and slammed the kitchen door shut behind him.
"I had a feeling you might need a life line," Kurama said softly.
Hiei turned and pretended to clear his throat, rather than allow Kurama to catch a glimpse of the blush staining his cheeks.
"Uh, thank you for you help!"
It was only when she spoke than Hiei realized he and Kurama were not alone in the small kitchen. Keiko had just emerged from behind the open refrigerator door, and Kuwabara's sister, Shizuru, was near the rear wall of the room, rifling through the pantry.
"Yusuke is already drunk out of his mind, so he's no good to cook any more," Keiko griped.
"Sadly he outclasses everyone here in the cooking department," Shizuru said, as she set a few canisters of seasoning on the counter beside Keiko.
"It's no trouble at all," Kurama said. He then slid a cutting board and a head of cabbage in front of Hiei, as well as a large, flat knife. "Here, I think you can figure out what to do."
"Did we come here just to be put to work?" Hiei asked, though he picked up the knife and started chopping anyway.
Kurama only smiled, and squeezed in next to him at the two burner electric cook top that was sandwiched alongside Kuwabara's rice cooker.
Hiei dutifully diced the cabbage that had been presented to him, followed by green onions and some tiny eggplants. Though he made sure to protest each time Kurama handed him a new vegetable, in reality, Hiei did not mind the task. Cutting items, or people, into tiny pieces was one of his specialties, and a job that required no interaction with anyone else at the party.
Soon, the mouthwatering aroma of more food filled the room. When Hiei was through with his chore at the cutting board, he observed appreciatively as Kurama turned more gyoza over in a frying pan. If he could hide in the kitchen until the human guests inevitably drank themselves into unconsciousness, the party might just be tolerable. His hopes were dashed, through, when the kitchen door came flying open and Yusuke, his cheeks deeply flushed, leaned in.
"Keiko!" he shouted. "Hand me another beer, would you? We're all out in here."
"You've had enough!" Keiko snapped. She planted her hands on her round hips and glared at him.
"But it's a party! C'mon!" he whined. He teetered dangerously and steadied himself against the door frame. "I worked hard all week!"
Keiko sighed and shook her head, but proved she had relented when she opened up the refrigerator again. Yusuke clearly knew how to navigate her weak points, and took full advantage of the talent.
"Thanks Keiko!" he slurred, then backed out of the kitchen. "I'll be... somewhere..."
Hiei listened to the human girl grumble and growl as she struggled with the slippery metal bottle cap. Shizuru had disappeared back into the heart of the party at some point, but Hiei still ignored Keiko's strife under the assumption that Kurama would offer his help sooner or later. Instead, he leaned close to Hiei's ear and whispered.
"Lesson Three," he said. "When a member of the fairer sex is in need, it's customary to offer assistance."
"Me?" Hiei said. "Help Yusuke's woman?"
"Referring to women as property should be avoided, however..." Kurama added.
Hiei glanced over his shoulder and looked at Keiko's small, soft hands gripping the ridged bottle cap. Part of him wanted to see her fail. After all, his philosophy was that only the strongest should survive. Although, if Yukina had been the young woman fighting to open the container...
He picked up the unused knife.
"Give me that," he commanded.
He snatched the beer bottle from Keiko's hands and she gasped slightly, then stepped back when she saw the knife in his fist. Hiei raised his arm. With one clean slice, he removed the entire bottle top, only spilling the smallest drop of amber beer onto the counter. The severed bit of glass clattered to the floor and rolled away.
Keiko opened her mouth, presumably to thank him, but was interrupted by an exclamation from the doorway.
"Woah! That was unreal!"
Hiei's attention snapped to the speaker, his red eyes widening with surprise at the unexpected witness. One of Kuwabara's lackeys, the short, fat one, was stalled halfway between the living area and kitchen. When he recovered from his initial astonishment, he rushed over and handed Hiei another bottle.
"Can you do that again?" he asked, voice raising with excitement.
Hiei shrank away, bewildered by the request. Of course he could do it again, but what was the point?
"Hey guys, come in here! Check this out!" the stout human called into the living room. "Shuuichi, this guy's your boyfriend right?"
"That's right," Kurama responded, but offered no further explanation. His flat smile filled Hiei with a tingling annoyance. Apparently, the fox had decided to let the interaction play out, instead of stepping in to interfere.
Two other humans, the rest of Kuwabara's hapless gang, crowded into the kitchen and surrounded Hiei. They leaned over their friend's shoulder and gaped at the clean cut at the lip of the bottle.
"Look! Shuuichi's boyfriend just chopped the top of this bottle off with a kitchen knife!"
"What? No way!"
"Okubo," Keiko interjected. "Maybe you guys should do this outside. It seems kind of dangerous."
The second man who'd entered the kitchen, this one sporting a closely shaved hairstyle on his round dome, shook his head towards Keiko and protested.
"Are you kidding?" he said. "Everybody should see this!"
"Yeah, come into the living room!" the tallest of the three said. "Kuwabara will get a kick out of this."
"What was your name, anyway?" Okubo asked.
Hiei peered past them. He hated to admit it, but Kurama was responsible for the ultimate decision as to whether or not he should proceed. Attending the party was his idea, and if he truly expected Hiei to submit to his absurd experiment, he should at least keep himself available to offer his advice. Kurama, however, was gone. Hiei was left alone to flounder.
He stared up at the three men clustered around him, all grinning expectantly.
"It's Hiei."
Before he knew it, he was whisked away to the center of the crowd in the living area. The eyes of Kuwabara's intoxicated human friends were glued to him, some wide with anticipation, others narrowed in disbelief. Hiei grabbed the heavy brown beer bottle Okubo handed him, and just as before, removed the top neatly with a slash of the knife.
"Unbelievable!" someone shouted.
"Can you do mine, too?"
"It's not that impressive you guys," Kuwabara butted in. His arms were folded across his chest tightly and he'd puffed himself up in an attempt to exaggerate his already towering height.
Hiei could care less about showing off to the gaggle of tipsy human beings, but Kuwabara's disparagement of his knife skills rang out clearly as a challenge. When it came to meeting challenges, especially from an opponent as lowly as Kuwabara, Hiei refused to back down. He took the bait without any hesitation.
"Severing something as fragile as a glass bottle isn't difficult for one with a trained hand," Hiei proclaimed. "Even Kuwabara could accomplish such a simple task."
Hiei stole an unopened bottle from a woman to his left, and popped the top with yet another effortless swing of the knife. His smug grin was enough to turn Kuwabara's face the color of his hair.
"All right, somebody hand me a bottle!" he shouted, then tugged the knife right out of Hiei's grasp.
Kuwabara stationed himself in the middle of the group and accepted the first bottle that was handed to him. He raised his arm, swung the knife down with all the grace of a troll, and smashed the bottle to smithereens in a spectacular shower of beer and glass.
"Ha! He schooled you, Kuwabara!" came Yusuke's voice when he staggered through the crowd.
"Aw man, look at the mess you made me make on my new floor!" Kuwabara grumbled.
"Don't blame me," Hiei snapped. "You're the one who failed."
"Hey, let me give it a shot!" Yusuke said.
At some point, he'd clearly forgotten about asking Keiko for a fresh beer, and had acquired one on his own that was still capped tightly. Yusuke raised the knife, closed one eye, and took aim. He wobbled treacherously as he prepared himself, obviously in no state to be performing a task as complex as bottle sabering, or even standing for that matter. When Yusuke flicked his arm forward, the knife flew from his limp grip and went zipping across the room. Miraculously, it flew straight past the gathered bystanders and became embedded in the nearest wall instead.
"Urameshi! Watch what you're doing to my wall!" Kuwabara squawked.
"Whoops," Yusuke laughed. "Hey, I know! Let's have a knife throwing contest!"
Somehow, perhaps because they were graced with the special kind of wisdom only alcohol can provide, Yusuke, Kuwabara, Hiei and several others geared up to take turns throwing knives at a cardboard box held up by an unfortunate volunteer. Though he didn't gloat outright, Hiei savored the exhilaration that came from besting Kuwabara with every toss. The other participants were less precise, but seemed to enjoy themselves all the same. A feeling of revelry began to overtake Hiei and bolster his mood, to the point that he nearly forgot he was among humans.
Amazingly, the contest proceeded without any major catastrophes, with most of the knives clattering harmlessly to the floor. That is, until Yusuke's turn rolled around again. While the former Spirit Detective wound up to fling his knife towards the already punctured box, Kurama stepped in and pulled Hiei aside.
"All right, Hiei," he said quietly, "I allowed you the freedom to navigate this situation on your own, but I think his game has gone on long enough."
"Isn't this what you wanted?" Hiei replied with a smug grin. "You wanted me to interact with human beings, and I've already become a celebrity among them without even trying."
"Yes," Kurama said, "but for all the wrong reasons. You know that this type of irresponsible showmanship will only end in-"
Before Kurama could conclude his words of warning, a startled scream that strongly evoked the image of a goat being slaughtered blared through the apartment. Party-goers fell into a stunned silence, some bumping into Hiei as they back away from whatever spectacle was taking place at the other end of the room. Hiei shoved the nearest person aside, and immediately caught sight of Kuwabara, bleeding profusely, with a steak knife embedded in his hand.
"Kazuma!" came Yukina's gasp when she rushed from the kitchen. "Oh no, what happened!"
"Yusuke, what did you do!?"
Keiko was right behind her, temper blazing to the point that Hiei wondered if she might be half fire demon as well. Yusuke's throwing arm was still raised in midair, apparently frozen in place.
"Oops."
Kurama turned to glower down at Hiei, who was paying an undue amount of attention to the floor.
It was going to be a long week.
