Title: Ryan's Contemplation

Author: Shell

Disclaimer: Not mine and all that jazz.

Ryan is straight.

At least, he thinks he is. Contrary to his colourful resume he acquired in Chino, Ryan has not lived long enough in the world to experience all one needs to experience to clearly determine one's sexual preference. He knows he's attracted to Marissa, leaving one dash in the hetero column.

But Marissa is pornography, and if Ryan learned anything from his brother's Playboys, it was that pornography is like some kind of heaven on earth. And that's what he finds in Marissa. But heaven on earth isn't real, it's some 80's number by Belinda Carlisle, leaving one dash in the gay column because there's no way a straight man could be in possession of that information.

Marissa is an illusion. An illusion he just can't stand touching because despite what the Cohen's say, he is dirty. He's the somewhat subdued embodiment of Chino itself and he doesn't deserve that perfection. Not that she's perfect, the fact that she would punch Ryan's head in for suggesting such a thing should be enough to prove her fallibility to a sexually-confused Ryan. But it isn't, and maybe subconsciously, he wants it that way.

Maybe subconsciously, he wants guys.

Who knows? All he knows is that that thought has been popping up in his conscious mind more and more often ever since he met Seth Cohen, thereby adding yet another dash to the gay column.

Seth is a very strange person. Not strange as in 'queer' because he doesn't think Luke could ever be right about anything. Seth is... original. Unique. Like those Doritos 'Uncle' Graham used to bring home for free because they were unsaleable. Strange though they were, they were dinner and Ryan would always lick the orange dust from his fingers because food, unsaleable or not, was a treat in those days. That, in a warped way, was how he felt about Seth.

These days food came to him like oxygen, unfortunately for his dying respect for heterosexuality, so did Seth. Seth was the food he ate, the pool he swam in, the clothes he wore and the fists that seemed permanently attached to his face since he got to Orange County. So good, so painful and so very real.

The good was when Seth talked. He had this voice that sounded wrong if he said too little, so he just kept talking and talking until his voice got thin from lack of oxygen. Then he'd inhale deeply. And then he'd start again. Meanwhile, Ryan would be watching his lips and having serious doubts about his sexuality. Much like now, actually.

The painful was when Seth looked away from him. When he turned those beautiful doe eyes away from Ryan and made him feel like the most boring person on earth because he couldn't keep Seth's attention for just that one second more.

The real was when Seth touched him, if only for a second and however carelessly. It made him feel reckless. He'd punch a thousand Luke's and burn down a million buildings just for another touch. With Seth, he was never in control.

The weird thing was, feeling in control, not having doubt used to be a few of Ryan's favourite feelings. Now he revelled in this hot, weird, embarrassing and confused feeling that Seth always stirred in him because... it was Seth. Y'know? He wasn't Teresa or Marissa but that's okay... 'cause it's Seth. And that scares him.

Because Ryan is straight.

Hmm.

Fin.