Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. I own you.

Chapter One: In Which Gluttony Tries to get a Girlfriend

Gluttony is sad.

You see, Gluttony is a very polite and sensitive kind of guy.

Remember when Lust told him to wipe his mouth after he eats?

He wiped his mouth right away. No ifs, no buts. That mouth was WIPED.

That's how polite he is.

Remember when Mustang fried Lust to a crisp, and Gluttony was so sad that he kept mumbling to himself that Lust was gone? He went through Marcoah's stuff, trying to find her. It broke my heart to see the little bugger sniffing the floor and whispering "Lust…Lust."

That's how damned sensitive he is.

But regardless of politeness or sensitivity, we must remember that Gluttony is, of course, sad for a REASON.

It would be rather silly if he weren't, after all. What kind of story would this be if it started with "Gluttony is sad" when Gluttony ISN'T sad at all? HAW!

But if we go a little further back into the past, we can pinpoint our chubby chum's reason for such despair.

Shall we take a look?

That was a rhetorical question, actually, because I really can't hear you no matter what you say. That would be just weird. So I'll assume that you just said "yes" inwardly. I say "inwardly" because just yelling "YES!" out loud at random isn't the kind of thing you do when you're trying to make friends. Trust me, I've tried it. You can do that if you want, of course, but don't I say I didn't just warn you.

Anyway.

One sunny morning in mid-April when the crocuses were just beginning to dot the meadows, Gluttony was happily rolling around the fields next to Dante's Evil Lair of Doom.

If you didn't know before, Gluttony just ADORES rolling around in the fields on sunny mornings in mid-April. Why? Don't ask me, ask him. I suppose that it's just one of those things we'll never understand, like crop circles or the Big Bang or why Pride keeps one of those pink electronic diaries or why Envy keeps stalking Edward.

But as Gluttony rolled to and fro, merrily humming the score of "Les Miserables" to himself, he perchance gazed out into the distance, whereupon he spied a cute little young couple happily frolicking a short ways away from where the overweight Homunculus sat. Intrigued, Gluttony quickly dropped to the ground and sat still. Cupping a hand to his ear, he was able to hear the following:

"Oh, John."

"Oh, Marsha."

"John, John."

"Marsha, Marsha, Marsha."

"I love you."

"I love you more."

And then, they kissed.

Being a Homunculus, Gluttony cannot truly understand the concept of "love". In theory, no artificial being can possess such complex feelings such as kindness or anger or joy or be able to feel sympathy for the less fortunate or to show empathy for those around them.

But then again, we must remember that Gluttony is no ordinary Homunculus. If you want to, scroll up the page a bit and read about his politeness and sensitivity.

Again.

Due to these emotions, Gluttony was able to feel happiness when he viewed the pair sharing a moment. But as they two soon began to depart, Gluttony felt a twinge of jealousy in his hard ol' heart.

And suddenly, it hit him. Food wasn't the answer. All he needed was love.

Clearly, he'd have to find a girlfriend.

But how to find one?

He'd have to ask the other Homunculi for help, of course.

His first thought was to ask his dearest Lust for assistance, but he quickly remembered that Lust was getting what Dante called "Beauty Rest", and DAMN if anybody lives to tell the tale of disturbing Lust's Beauty Rest. That's as bad as stealing Pride's pink electronic diary, or trying to steal some of Gluttony's food, or calling Edward a midget.

He considered asking Envy, but quickly remembered that the older Sin was stalking Edward like he's always doing. Lust said to give them some "Alone Time", which caused Wrath to giggle and Greed to chortle and Sloth to raise an eyebrow. When Gluttony asked Lust what that meant, Lust calmly replied that he'd find out when he's older.

Sloth was nice and all, but she was too busy scolding Wrath at the moment to help. Gluttony didn't much like Wrath, who seemed to think that the larger Homunculus was something of a pillow. Gluttony tried to prove that he wasn't, but Wrath was a brat and brats don't listen to ANYBODY.

Except Envy. Wrath liked Envy. And I mean LIKED HIM liked him.

Greed was FAR too awesome to waste his time with somebody like GLUTTONY.

That left Pride.

And wonder of wonders, Gluttony turned around the corner and GUESS WHO WAS THERE?

"Hello," harrumphed Pride.

"Hello," mumbled Gluttony. "Pride, can I ask you for help with something?"

"No, don't tell me. I want to guess," said the Fuhrer. Obedient as always, Gluttony didn't tell him. And Pride left, perhaps to write some more in his pink electronic diary or to bake some muffins or to drink some tea or something like that.

A single tear rolled down poor Gluttony's chubby cheek.

And so, Gluttony was unable to get help with getting a girlfriend.

And THAT, dear reader, is why Gluttony is so sad.