Salutations, y'all! This monstrosity is the result of a plot bunny. I do not own any of the characters. No profit has been made from this story.


Albus Severus Potter dipped his quill in the ink and began to write.

Dear Mum and Dad,

Albus paused for a second. Then he continued to write with a renewed vigor.

School has been crazy. Our Muggle Studies teacher, Professor Tauriel, is compulsively teaching us about Dwarves. I heard she was in love with a Dwarf named Killi. Killi died and Professor Tauriel was banished from her kingdom for falling in love with him. (Did I tell you she's an elf?) Anyway, Professor Tauriel has not been right in the head since. That's what I've heard. All the girls have a crush on Professor Hurin. He teaches Transfiguration. I heard his father is the Steward of Gondor. Anyway, Professor Hurin is the Ravenclaw head of house. I've heard his father used to be the Slytherin head before he became the Steward.I've also heard Professor Hurin's older brother was made a Slytherin Prefect. That's what Scorpius said. We have TWO Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers, Professor Wormtongue and Professor Eorl. Professor Eorl is a woman. They're splitting the Defense Against the Dark Arts post. We are learning about Boggarts tomorrow. Our Herbology teacher, Professor Treebeard, can't even fit into the CLASSROOM. The Care of Magical Creatures teacher, Professor Bombadil, can't stop singing.

Well, that's all. Love, Albus.