Friendship

"Okay. Big, sweaty, hairy giant. Would you rather live in his shower drain or in his shirt pocket?"

"What? Gross, Janko."

"Which one?" Eddie demands.

"Neither!"

"You have to pick!"

"Why? This is never a scenario I'd find myself in."

"That's not the point! Hypothetically, which one is… less terrible?"

"Neither one!" He says again. "They both make me want to throw up."

"God, you're boring. You've got no sense of imagination, you know that? None."

"I don't need to imagine awful gross shit. I see enough of it in real li-"

He's cut off when the radio crackles to life and Central alerts them of a domestic dispute two blocks away, officers on scene requesting assistance.

"Twelve-David responding," Eddie chirps, and she unfolds her legs from underneath her to put her feet on the floorboard.

Jamie hits the accelerator and moves over a lane to weave through the morning traffic. "I think - I think I'd have to go with shower drain."

"Ew!" Eddie squeals. "Shower drain? Really?"

"Yeah! At least whatever ends up in there is fairly clean. In his shirt pocket you're stuck smelling giant BO all the time."

"Nope, I'd much rather live in his shirt pocket," Eddie announces. "At least there, you can come up to the top and maybe get a breath of fresh air. How are you supposed to climb out of his shower drain if there's a whole jungle of hair stuck there? It'd be like living in a sewer. A sewer with a hair jungle all around you."

"Is this like, something you've thought about before?" he wonders.

"And it wouldn't be as clean as you think," Eddie continues.

"What do you mean?"

"Dirt mixed with water is still dirt. And I don't think this giant uses soap."

"Now you're making extra assumptions. If he's taking a shower I hope he's using soap. I'll buy him a giant-sized bottle of Men + Care before I move in. They sell 'em at Costco."

"He's a nasty giant, he doesn't use soap! And even if he does, he stands in the shower for a while first. It's not like some magical insta-soap, there's going to be his gross whatever running down the drain before he washes himself."

"Magical insta-soap? You never know, in a world of giants magical insta-soap might exist."

Eddie's head falls back against the headrest and her loud laugh rings through the patrol car. "So now you've got an imagination? When it comes to how sweaty giants take showers? How's it work - like a car wash? He steps into the shower and he gets sprayed with like, surround-sound soap guns? Three-sixty surround soap?"

"I don't know, maybe. Just whatever it takes to get him clean fast, alright?"

Eddie's laughter dies down and her voice drops an ominous octave below normal. "It won't matter how fast he gets clean when he pees in the shower."

"God no!" Jamie yelps. "He's a civilized giant, not some Neanderthal."

"Doesn't matter. All men do it," Eddie states matter-of-factly. "And you know what else all men do in the shower?"

"I swear Eddie, if you're about to-"

"They jerk off."

"Why would you say that?" Jamie whines.

"It's the truth! Every single dude. At least sometimes. Including you - Boy Scout."

"No, uh-uh, I'm not talking about this with you."

"You're the one who wants to live in the shower drain. I'm just making sure you understand your choice!" she insists.

He lets out a weary groan as he slows to a stop in front of the address they were given, forcing himself back into cop mode. "You good, partner?"

"Yeah," she replies, serious now too. "Let's go."

He's never been so relieved to take off running towards a scene.