Mario Farted in Ohio, by Dickfart
One day Mario was stupid and went left instead of right. He had four minutes to reach the flag to his right before he shit out all of his organs and died, but he forgot his iPhone back in Ohio, so he had to go back and get it first.
However, he was stuck in traffic. Cars, Goombas, and other disgraces to oxygen were clogging up the highway because no one knows how to properly merge. Mario just stood there, immobile, potty waddling in place. He wanted to jump past all of the cars, but his guts would give out if he did that. Oh why did his have to dine on expired psychedelic mushrooms for a living?
"Oh, for fucks sake," said Mario, already in crippling pain. If he turned back now he could just barely make it to the flag and live to see another day.
But he had so many important selfies on his iPhone. So many memories with Rainbow Dash, Sonic the Hedgehog, and Gay Bowser. Could he really betray all of those wonderful memories just because of a teensy bit of traffic?
Just then, a Massachusetts driver got fed up and barreled through all of those fucking cars and Goombas like fucking Wing Gundam bulldozing through Leo suits. The instakills paved a path before Mario that was clear and smooth like his anus after applying Donkey Kong's all natural banana flavored coconut water-based lube. However, it was just too little too late, and once Mario took his first step, the clock struck zero, and all of his innards ripped out of his anus like mother fucking Alien.
"Oh no!" said Mario.
GAME OVER
Important Note: If I've convinced you that you are, by no means, to ever set foot into Ohio for as long as you suck air on this earth, then my life's work is complete.