Story is inspired by Little Big Town's Stay. Great song. Enjoy!
How can I bear to wake up and you're not there
What will I do when I turn and reach for you
I lay my tears on the windowsill
I'll only cry 'till I get over you
But how long will it take me
Won't you save me
You'd watched the surgery. It was flawless. It was textbook. It was everything you could have hoped it would be, but it was three days ago, and the signs weren't looking good for her. You knew five percent was nothing. You knew that, as a surgeon, brain surgery was incredibly difficult, and it didn't always have the outcome that people wanted. But she'd done the surgery for you. She'd forgone the few weeks of life she had left, maybe months, for you. Because you wanted her to fight. You wanted her to stop standing back and watching life pass her the hell by. You wanted her to be different from O'Malley. You wanted her to rise. You wanted the both of you to rise together.
Now she was laying in a hospital bed, and she wouldn't wake up. You hated yourself. "Please wake up, Iz. Please, I swear I won't ask you anything ever again."You could feel a sob building in your throat, but you pushed it away. You didn't deserve the luxury of releasing the pain. "I promise I won't ask you to stop talking to ghosts. I won't ask you to turn off the alarm for me when it's four in the morning and you just got in. I'll get my ass up and do it myself. I won't even ask you to make me breakfast. I won't ask anything of you ever again if you'll just WAKE up!" You plead with her. You felt pathetic. Especially about the Denny one. You knew that the hallucinations were due to the cancer, but the feelings of hurt had already scarred you. You didn't feel good enough, but you wanted to be. You kept trying so that maybe one day she would see that you loved her the way she wanted to be loved.
Silence. It was all you'd heard for three days between the two of you. It was really all you'd heard at all with the exception of the monitors. No one had the courage to speak to you since the first day. No one had even told you to go home and get some sleep. They'd given her a room with two beds- one for her, and one for you. You weren't going anywhere. You would not leave her. You would not let her down. You could feel the tears rolling down your cheeks, and a part of you wanted to wipe them away for your pride. You didn't bother though. There was no stopping them. She was the fucking love of your life, and she was in a coma. A week ago, she'd been laughing at your jokes, and kissing you whenever she felt the urge, and talking about being with you in ten years. She'd had a plan for you to be with her in ten years, and now you were alone. You were alone, god damn it! It took everything in you not to punch the wall.
"Please don't leave me, Iz." You whisper as you bury your head in the mattress beside her hand. You wanted so badly to feel her move. Even if it was just one finger to tap you on the head. You needed a sign to know that you weren't causing her pain for no reason.
Stay just a little bit longer
'Till I'm a little bit stronger to take all this and
Stay just a little more time
'Til I can find a way
Please stay
There was nothing. Not an elevated brain activity. Not an accelerated heart rate, no eye twitches, or muscle spasms. There was nothing for you to hold onto, so you held onto her hands instead. You had flashes of pulling her away from Denny, and you wonder who was going to pull you away. You couldn't imagine anyone being able to. Security, you figured. Several security men, maybe, and even then, you'd go down swinging.
You have no idea what time it is. You know it's sometime in the early morning. It's been hours, or more precisely three playlists later, since the last time a nurse checked on her, which was at 9 PM. That was how you kept track of time. The visits. They made sure to give you warning. They allowed you to gather yourself before facing them, and you were thankful. Eventually, you would have to be the co-worker again. You would have to have some self respect for that.
You weren't expecting for the door to open. You were about to yell at the bastard when you happened to glance up and saw Cristina. She hadn't been by at all. She was the only one who hadn't stopped by, and it hadn't surprised you. Cristina didn't do emotions. You understood that. You didn't need someone else who was inadequate with emotion to sit with you during the silence. It would be unbearable. She wasn't working. She was in her pajamas, with a huge purple scarf that ran half the length of her body.
"What do you want, Yang?" Your voice is hoarse. You hadn't even attempted to speak in days, so it was no surprise that it seemed foreign to you. Was it possible to forget the sound of your own voice? The only voice you could hear was the one voice that you couldn't because she was laying in the bed in front of you. No one else's voice was going to soothe you. No else's voice could soothe you. No matter how good their intentions were. The road to hell was paved with good intentions.
"I need.. you need.. Karev. You have me calling you Karev! You are the evil spawn. You have always been the evil spawn, so why can't I call you the evil spawn now?" She rambled as she wrapped her arms around her body. You almost smile, but you don't bother. You don't quite want to encourage her. "I need to talk to you. Now."
"So talk, Yang." You roll your eyes as you place a kiss on Izzie's hand. Every one knew that Cristina didn't like Izzie. She didn't particularly like you either, but at least you two had an understanding. It wasn't personal. It was the job. She was competitive, and that came first. You respected that. When she chose you for the surgery, it told you that she respected you too, even if she never said it. Izzie had never been able to understand that concept. Izzie loved and cared for anyone. She cried when Burke left Cristina at the alter, and she cried again when Meredith went on Cristina's honeymoon with her. She cared. The world needed more people like Izzie Stevens. Cristina Yang was not Izzie Stevens.
"Not here." She whispered, and you could feel her glance transfer nervously to Izzie. You have a feeling she was looking at her bandaged scalp where her blonde locks used to occupy space. It was a shock to you at first too, so you didn't snap. Izzie had always been the blonde model before you got to know her. Before you loved her. Now you barely noticed her hair at all. It didn't matter. None of it mattered as long as she had her laugh, as long as she had her heart-stopping brown eyes. You didn't care about anything else. It was all artificial. There was nothing fake about your feelings for her.
"Fine." You sigh as you stand up and place a kiss on her forehead. You can feel your muscles protest the movement, but you continue anyway. It'd been hours since you moved out of the chair. It would be good for you. "I'll be right back, beautiful." You smile sadly at her unchanging facial expression. God, you missed her smile. You need her to smile! You need an impossible amount from her that she wasn't even close to being able to give you, but it didn't stop the ache of wanting in your chest.
You shut the door behind you, and your eyes burn from the florescent lights in the hallway. You hadn't left her room, and the hospital hallway you'd spent countless hours walking through suddenly felt foreign and hostile. It felt like it was rooting against your happiness, mocking the small amount of hope you had left for her, forcing you to open your eyes. Forcing you to accept a reality you refused to consider as an option. "Fucking lights." You mutter, and you realize that even Cristina looks like she feels a small remote amount of sympathy for you. That's a new freaking low that you don't even want to think about. You'd made the fucking robot feel sorry for you. It made you physically ill.
"Okay. Evil Spawn. Karev. Alex. What ever the hell you want to be called right now. I don't really care. I just, shit. WHY did I have to come here? I am the unfeeling one, Alex. I don't do the emotions. I told Izzie that I don't do THIS. This is what I avoid. I avoid the mush, and the feelings, and the guilt, and the turmoil, and all that comes with CARING. But I'm here, and its four thirty in the morning on my day OFF. What the FUCK am I doing here?"
You don't say anything, because you are pretty certain she doesn't exactly expect you to answer that. You watch as she runs her fingers through her hair. Her eyes are wild with discontent, and you can't help but smile. Izzie got to her. It took her having brain surgery, but Izzie finally cracked the ice that covered Cristina's heart. You were impressed. You kept silent though. You just wanted Cristina to say whatever she came to say so that she could leave again. Leave you alone.
"Have you called her mom?" She asked you, and you blinked. It took you a moment, but the realization finally hit you. Consent. She wanted you to call her for consent. You could feel your blood heating up and she took a step back. "I mean, it's just, okay, the thing is, when I was in here- when I was the patient, my mom was there. I don't like my mom. She drives me up the fucking wall. But she was there. It was nice. To have her there. And the thing is, I think Izzie is a big believer in getting to say goodbye now. So I think maybe, you know, maybe she should know. Give her a chance."
"You're asking me to call my girlfriend's mom so she can say goodbye? So she can die in peace? Is that what you are suggesting, Yang? You MUST be kidding me. You can't POSSIBLY believe I am going to let one fucking person say GOODBYE to her. She is NOT dead! Do you hear me? She is not fucking dead! She had brain surgery. She's sleeping. She hasn't woken up yet, she is not dead! Her heart works, her brain works, everything about her works, she's just sleeping!" You take a deep breath to calm yourself down. A part of you knows that she meant no harm, but you weren't ready to hear that shit. You couldn't. You needed Izzie to live. You needed a reason to rise. You needed a reason to believe in the medicine. You needed to believe in surgery. You needed her.
"I know." She whispered, and you were surprised when tears were bubbling in her eyes. You'd seen the women be put through a grinder, and she'd never once so much as choked on her words. She had tears in her eyes, and you were at a loss for words. How do you console Cristina Yang? Meredith. You call Meredith, you thought idly. Meredith was who understood Cristina. You didn't understand how. You understood Meredith. You got her issues. Cristina was a puzzle- a puzzle you didn't particularly feel the urge to solve. Especially not at the moment.
"The thing is, I was nine years old when my dad died. I watched him die, Alex. He died right in front of me. They couldn't even get him help before he died. I watched him die, and he was unconscious the entire time. One minute he was driving me to get ice cream, and the next minute we were in a ditch on the side of the road with an indention of a SUV on my dad's side of the car. He couldn't talk to me. He couldn't tell me the things I needed to know about life. He couldn't tell me that he loved me. He couldn't tell me any thing I wish I could have heard, and he's DEAD. Do you understand me? You aren't nine years old. Izzie wasn't one who kept things to herself. People that know Izzie know what she would say. They have her voice inside their head whenever they try to bake muffins, or when, I don't know. Lay on the bathroom floor? I don't know what are classic Izzie things. I think of her eating butter, and holding onto corpses, and sleeping with GEORGE. I don't really know Izzie. That's my fault. That's me dealing with my problems. I have to accept that. I have to accept that I have known the woman in there for years, and I don't know her."
You shift your weight. You just got a shit load of information all at once when your brain was already on overload, and you were having problems trying to see the point. You guess she saw the uncertainty in your features because she took a deep breath and started again. "My point is that people die. Whether we are ready for them to or not, whether we want them to or not, whether we love them or not, whether they deserve it or not, people die. I know it's only been three days, Alex. But she's been sick a lot longer." Your eyes narrow on her, but it doesn't stop her. "She told me first because I am supposed to be unbiased. She told me because I can tell her things no one else will. She told me because I can be realistic about the fact that she had a five percent chance of living. Five percent. You know what the chances of being impaled by ice? Less than five percent. Three percent. A person has a three percent chance of that ever happening to them in their lives, and it happened to me. So, I am having trouble being realistic. I'm supposed to be the one with the steady head, and I can't manage that. So I need you to. Because you're the most like me. I know you love her, but you are a realist. You have to understand, Alex."
"You're asking me to say goodbye to my girlfriend BECAUSE you think the odds could be in her favor? Seriously Yang? What the fuck. Go back to bed." You growl, your hand grasping the handle on the door.
"Just think about it." She sighs and walks away as if she hadn't just told you you should let Izzie die. As if there was nothing important about the conversation she'd just had. As if she just hadn't spilled her guts to you. She walked away because she wanted to be a robot, and you realized for the first time that Cristina didn't know how to function as anything else.
Will I ever smile again when losing my best friend
To wonder where, wonder how, wonder what you're doing
One more night just before you break me
Hold me safely
You stop in your tracks as you close the door behind you. She hadn't changed. She hadn't even twitched. You couldn't fight away Cristina's words when you were looking at her after being invaded by the florescent lights.
It'd been three days.
Against your will, you felt your hands grab your cellphone from your pocket. You had nine missed calls. You didn't even look to see who they were. You had a pretty good feeling that you didn't care about any of them. You were just about to dial 4-1-1 when you snapped your phone back shut. You couldn't do that yet. You weren't ready to give up on her. She wouldn't give up on you. You bite your lip as you walk to the other side of the bed, and slide into the bed with her, carefully wrapping your arm around her waist without messing anything up.
"Hey Iz." You whisper as you brush your fingertips across her pale cheeks. You close your eyes as you lean into her neck, recalling how much you love whenever you'd get a rise out of her and cheeks blushed scarlet. It'd been so fun for you. With just a few words whispered into her ear, her face could light up your entire day. "Can you hear me?" You ask, pushing away every tidbit of medical knowledge you had as you looked at her. Miracles happen. They can happen. Izzie would believe it. Izzie believed in the good. Izzie would believe in herself. "I really need you listen to me." You gulp as you try to make sense of all the thoughts racing in your head.
"Cristina thinks you are going to live. And I think, I think you really need to prove her right, Iz." You can feel the tears welling in your eyes again, and you hate that you are so weak. You feel like a chick. You feel like someone had castrated you, and given you PMS instead. You feel like you'd lost a part of yourself, and you didn't know if you could get it back without her to help you.
"I think you were wrong before, too. I think that Cristina does like you. I think, in a way, she's envious of you, too. She's not like you, Iz. She doesn't know how to openly care for people. So she manipulates. She helps from a distance, and even though she expects to be let down, I think she hopes that people will come through for her- for themselves. She pulled a lot of strings for you, Iz. She's losing sleep, and I think you need to give her a reason to do it again. I think you need to show her that it was worth it. I'm not the only one that needs you to wake up, Iz. You won't just be living for me. So, will you? Will you wake up? Please?"
Stay just a little bit longer
'Til I'm a little bit stronger to take all this and
Stay just a little more time
'Til I can find a way
Please stay
You'd taken a shower. Despite your will for the world to stop around you, it had continued. Your facial hair still grew, as did the need to clean yourself up. It'd taken some pushing, but you finally forced yourself to leave her bedside to go to the resident locker room. You weren't expecting anyone to be in her room when you came back. Even though you were freshly shaved, and fully dressed, you felt more exposed than you'd ever felt before. You cleared your throat when your entrance didn't knock her from her trance. Her cheeks blushed as she jumped at the sound, turning instantly around to face you.
"Alex!" She covered her chest with her petite hands, and you nodded in response. You couldn't quite bring yourself to speak. She was Cristina's person after all. If she there for the same reason, you had no intention of being friendly. Even if she was Meredith, your roommate, and most of the time, your friend. "You scared me." She takes a deep breath, and you offer a slight sympathetic smile. She was working. Whether you liked it or not, she would be back. Tension wasn't good for coma patients. Vibes were important, and you weren't willing to let anything ruin any chance that Izzie had.
"Sorry." You mumble as you walk to the other side of the bed and place a gentle kiss on Izzie's forehead. You can feel Mer's eyes on you, but you try to block her out for a moment. You needed to make sure Izzie was okay, or at least no worse, before you could focus on anything else. No change. You sigh as you finally look up to Mer, who is wringing her hands as she stares at your hand that is hovering above Izzie's.
"I've been hoping you would come home. There's something I need to say. We've always gotten along, so I thought we'd talk, and it not be weird. But then you never came home, and I've been distracted- and busy. So busy. But that's not what matters. What matters is that I'm here. Is it okay that I'm here? I feel like I should be here. I mean, Izzie deserves me to be here."
"Yeah, Mer. It's okay that you are here. I mean it. You're a good friend." You offer a faint smile, and she nods, exhaling a massive amount of air.
"Is it weird for you? I mean, I'm a doctor. I know about comas, and I know what signs to look for, and what signs you don't want to see. But I step in this room, and I don't feel like a doctor. I can't even look at the monitors, because I don't WANT to be a doctor. I don't want to believe in the textbooks, Alex. I want to believe in the good. Izzie believed in the good, and I lived. So, I'm going to sit here until my shift starts in an hour, and I'm just going to believe, okay?"
"I think that Izzie would really love that, Mer." You grin, and she blushes. You watch as she sits down in the chair and grabs onto Izzie's other hand.
"Do you mind if I talk to her?" She whispers, and you quickly shake your head. You understood the need to talk to Izzie. The need for Izzie to know what you're going through. To know that someone in the world cares about the shit life throws at you. Even if they don't respond.
"Hi Iz." She keeps her eyes focused on Izzie, and you lean back in your chair. You almost left the room, but you couldn't quite bring yourself to leave again so soon. "You've missed a lot. I mean, a lot. And I know you probably always feel like you miss a lot, because I know I'm not so good with the talking and the communicating. I'm really just good at being the sad and pathetic one left behind. And even though I'm that girl again, I'm not telling you this because I need to whine. I'm telling you because I know you are my friend, and I know that I can trust you. And I know that when you wake up, you are going to have some really amazing advice to give me after you tell me how big of an idiot I am."
You want to call her an idiot, because you can always picture Izzie rolling her eyes and mumbling under her breath about what an idiot Derek is, but you refrain. You aren't sure Meredith would appreciate the sentiment. Even if it came from the right place.
"So, did you know that Derek had a ring? Apparently everyone in this hospital knew about the ring except for me. Mark knew, Cristina knew, CHIEF KNEW! And I didn't know. How pathetic is that? I mean, I should have known, right? I mean he was McDreamy. McDreamy that had the wife- that held onto the ring. McDreamy that helped me through my mommy issues- and my daddy issues, and the sister issues. And all the other issues that come with being Meredith Grey, and I didn't know."
You frown. Sometimes you really want to punch the living daylights out of Derek. Given, that wasn't off the table unless Izzie woke up. You would never hurt a hair on that man's head if Izzie woke up, even if you did hate him. You couldn't hurt anyone that saved Izzie's life.
"Anyway. We broke up. And he hit the ring into the woods with a BAT. A freaking baseball bat, Iz. And, well, I have been avoiding. I know, shocking. But I have. Iz, it's hard work to avoid your boss. You'd think I would be an expert at this, but I'm not. I didn't succeed the first time, and this isn't any easier." She blushed at the statement, and then started shaking her head as she lowered her eyes. Her voice was softer when she began again. "Except that it kind of is, because he's not.. here. I haven't even seen him to run away from him. It's weird. That's weird, right? I mean, he's your doctor. He has to be here." You shift in your seat as tears bubble in her eyes, and without much thought on the act itself, you can feel yourself rising to your feet and making your way to her, pulling her into your chest. You feel her hands ball into fists with your shirt in them, but you don't care. "It's going to be okay, Mer." You whisper as you run a hand through her hair, attempting to soothe her. "Everything will work out, Mer. It just has to." You whisper, and not for the first time that day, you feel tears cascading down your cheeks as well. "Just gotta believe."
"I believe." She whispered as her arms snaked around your neck. "I believe."
The door opened, but neither of you attempt to move. That is, until you heard him clear his throat. "Am I interrupting something?" You notice Mer's eyes narrow into a glare, but you don't say anything. He didn't deserve to know she was upset over him. "Can't say I'm surprised though, Dr. Grey. Always knew you'd end up going after Karev eventually. Who else is left?"
"Are you kidding me? My girlfriend is in a coma right beside us, jackass."
"That only stops people with a conscience."
"That's IT!" Meredith growled, and you were surprised that her voice was so low- so loud. You didn't really know she had it in her. "That's all you get to say, Derek. YOU broke up with ME. I didn't run away. I didn't quit. The CHIEF, who had an affair with my MOTHER, told me you had a ring. And I didn't run away. I didn't run to my therapist. I went to YOU. And YOU. You fucking asshole hit the ring with a baseball bat to the middle of nowhere. So don't talk to me about having a conscience, doctor Shepherd. I mean what are you here for anyway? Adding to the list of the people you've killed? I mean isn't that what the problem was? You kill all of your patients. So what? Explain to me Derek. You kill your patients, so you suddenly realize that I'm too broken to attempt to fix? That I'm not worth your breath anymore? That I'm too much of a risk? Am I your lost cause that you are shedding before you kill me? Explain it to me, you fucking asshole!"
"ALRIGHT!" You yell, finally reaching your limit. The last thing you wanted to hear about is the number of patients Derek had killed. You couldn't think about that. You couldn't think about that, and still function. "You." You point to Derek with a shaking finger. You were outraged. You wanted to beat him to a pulp with your bare hands, but it wasn't going to help you. "Get out."
"She's my patient."
"Not anymore." You shake your head, he wasn't going to lay another finger on her as far as you were concerned.
"You're letting your personal life interfere with your decisions, Karev. You should think about this."
"No, I don't think it's me that has those confused, Doc. So with what little respect I owe you, Get. The. Hell. Away. From. Izzie!"
"Fine. Good luck." He glares at you, and you feel yourself sliding to stand in front of Meredith as his eyes shift to her. "I always knew you were a whore. Who else would sleep with a married man at work when his wife is right down the hall?" He shakes his head in disgust.
"GET OUT!" You yell, your fingers balling into fists. You couldn't even imagine how angry Meredith was. You were seeing spots.
You take a step towards him when he doesn't immediately leave, but he eventually turns away from the both of you, and heads for the door. You were glad he was smart enough not to push you any further. You could end up with a broken knuckle, but he would end up with a broken nose. You wait until he's out of sight before you turn back to Meredith, and immediately pull her back into your arms. "You are so much better than he is, Mer." You whisper softly into her hair, and even though she nods, you know she doesn't believe you. What kind of sick bastard would throw that in someone's face? He was the one that cheated on his wife in the first place. Hell, he'd practically stalked her. Everyone knew it, and he had the nerve to put her down. He would pay for that- as soon as you could think straight again. It was your vow.
"Thanks Alex." She whispers, but you don't respond. There is no need to. She was your roommate. She was your friend. She was Meredith Grey.
So I'll be a big girl and close my eyes
As you walk away don't you say goodbye
God save me, please won't you
[I] The forecast said clear skies. You couldn't believe it. Seattle never had clear skies. It was a sign, you told yourself as you shut off your television with one hand as you held the box in the other. It was crazy. It was absurd. It was absolutely unlike anything you'd ever thought of doing before. It was probably the worst timing you'd ever have in your life. But the sky was telling you otherwise. Your hands started to shake by the time you knocked on her door, but they stopped as soon as you saw her. It was right.
You knew Izzie. You knew she needed something to believe in to get through besides the medicine. "Ready to go?" You ask, leaning against the wall across from her.
"I would be if I knew where we were going!" She blushed, and you took a step towards her until she was in your arms. You kissed her quickly, careful not to get lost in it before pulling away.
"You look perfect, Iz." You nod. She's wearing a pair of jeans and a light pink sweater, and she looks beautiful. It's what hurts the most sometimes. To look at her, she looks completely normal- healthy. You would never know she was having life altering- perhaps life ending- surgery in the morning. She was radiant. You wished you had her strength.
"So where are we going?" She asked you as you led her to your car. By the time you'd gotten in the driver's seat, she'd already found the blanket and small picnic basket you'd stashed in the back. "We're going on a picnic?" She grinned, and you shrugged. You didn't want to give anything away.
"Something like that." You shrug your shoulders. You turn the radio up before grabbing onto her hand. You didn't want her asking you a bunch of questions that would ruin the surprise.
By the time you reached the Canadian border, she was fast asleep. You were actually happy about that. If she knew you were taking her out of the country, she might freak out a little bit. The box seems to get heavier in your pocket the closer you get to the marina, and your nerves becomes unsettled. What if she says no? What if she doesn't think your as good as Denny? What if you ruin the last night you ever have with her? No, you shake your head. You couldn't think about that. You wouldn't. She was going to live. How else was she going to meet your mom? How would you tell your mom that you'd finally found someone, only for her to die? You couldn't. She had to live.
The marina was rightfully empty. Not only was it way past dark, but you'd placed a large charge on your credit card to ensure that you had some privacy. You didn't want reality to set in at any time. The veracity of the moment would be too heavy. There would be no running away. The boat was too small- too intimate to allow space or distance. You hoped that it didn't backfire on you.
"Where are we?" She asks you, and it nearly startles you. You hadn't been aware she was awake. You were glad you didn't pull out the box.
"I want to show you something." You smile at her before nodding to the boat that was already in place for you.
"Alex. I don't know how to swim." She gulped, and your eyes bulged. Didn't know how to swim? Was that even possible? Wasn't it in some rule book that everyone learned how to swim?
"We aren't going swimming, Iz. We're riding in the boat."
"But it could sink!"
"So could ferries, and you ride on them."
"Not anymore." She mumbled, and you wince. Somehow in all the whirlwind of your relationship with Izzie, you'd let the crash escape you, along with your memories of Rebecca.
"The boat isn't going to sink, babe. And if it does, I got you." You smile at her, and she reluctantly nods.
–
The stream down the staired waterfall was gentle and calming as you tied the boat to the anchor sticking out of the rocks. It'd been years since you'd been there. You didn't even really remember how you found it. You'd been on a roadtrip after graduation, and somewhere a long the way, your friend thought it was a good idea to go explore the waters. You'd never been able to forget it. When you realized what you were going to do, you couldn't imagine doing it anywhere else.
"Alex.." She smiled at you as she strained to see the top of the waterfall in the distance. It was hard to pinpoint during the day, nearly impossible at night. "It's beautiful."
"I'm glad you like it." You swallow the lump that forms in your throat as you grab onto her hands. "Okay. So I need you to hear me out, okay?" You pause until she nods, massaging your hands gently to encourage you. "I wanted to bring you here when it was daytime. And we had time. So much more time." Tears well in your eyes as the lump forges back to your throat.
"I had plans." You whisper as you stare into her eyes, trying to find the courage to say all the things you needed to get out. "God, Iz. I had plans. Tons of plans for us. I wanted you to meet my mom, and I wanted to meet yours, and I wanted to bring you here, and let you see the top of this waterfall. It's so amazing, Iz. It's not like anything I've ever seen before. It's hard work to get there. It's damn hard, and it takes a lot of time. But when you reach the top, the work doesn't seem to matter. The pain, the burning, the struggle, none of it matters once you make it- once you survive it. All that matters is that you are there at the top, and you are deliriously happy."
"It took us a long time to get here, Iz. I made a lot of mistakes, and I don't know how I ever got you back, but God, I love you. You know that, right? I know I've said it before, but a lot of people say things that they don't mean. But I do. I love you. Alex Karev freakin' loves Izzie Stevens."
"So I brought you here tonight because tomorrow. Tomorrow is a waterfall all on it's own. Tomorrow... tomorrow is a fucking huge waterfall that's slippery, and scary, and it can be fatal. But it doesn't have to be fatal, Iz. You just have to fight. You have to believe that you can do it." You release one of your hands to grab the box from your pocket. "I believe that you're going to beat it, Iz. I believe I'm still going to get to take you to the top of this waterfall in the middle of the day, and kiss you until your gasping for air. More than that, I believe.." You take a deep breath as you open the box. "I believe that one day Alex Karev will love Izzie Karev. If you'll let me." [/i]
Stay just a little bit longer
'Til I'm a little bit stronger to take all this and
Stay just a little more time
'Til I can find a way
Please stay
You know what it means when Meredith walks back into Izzie's room. It means twelve hours have passed, and there haven't been any change. It means that Cristina had probably told her to talk to you, and you had to listen. Because the way she was looking at you was different than it'd been earlier, Meredith had stepped in the room as a doctor, and somehow you felt betrayed. What happened to believing in the good? What happened to believing in Izzie? What happened to being your friend?
"Okay, so I've been walking around this place all day fuming about what Derek said, and while I really have every right to do that, I just walked by this room, and I can't be angry at him anymore. Because right now, I have to think he's a good person. Right now, I have to think that he's capable of doing more than ruining lives, so I came in here to check on her. Tell me something is better, Alex. Tell me that I should stay strong for a reason. Tell me that it's going to pay off. I need you to tell me that Cristina is nuts, and that she doesn't make any sense. I'm looking at that monitor, and she starts to make sense, and it SCARES me." Meredith rambled, and once again she surprised you, forcing you to smile.
"We're engaged." You whisper, and you couldn't believe you'd told. You weren't planning on telling anyone, because, well, you were going to get pity enough as it was, much less if she was your fiancée. It sounded so strange to say that you had a fiancée, and if it was anyone else, you would have ran. Izzie wasn't just anyone else though. Izzie was your world, and nowhere seemed good enough for you if Izzie wasn't there with you to see it.
"You're engaged?" Meredith paled, and it wasn't until then that the story about her ring flashed through your mind, and you felt like a genuine jackass. Your intention had not been to hurt her. You'd been trying to make her see your side- your hope. You wanted her to want Izzie to wake up as much as you did. You wanted her to understand why you needed her to wake up. You just really wanted someone on your side. Izzie had always been the one to stick up for you, and now you had to fend for yourself. She wasn't even gone yet, and the loneliness was already creeping in.
"Yeah." You whisper as your eyes fall to the bed where your hands are grasping one of hers between them. "I love her, Mer." You gulp down the lump in your throat.
"I know you do." She sits down in the chair across from you, and leans back. You don't ask but you get the feeling that she doesn't plan on going anywhere anytime soon. The thought makes you smile. If there was any one that you could tolerate in there, it was Meredith.
"Cristina doesn't mean any harm, you know. She just.." Meredith trails off, and you figure that she doesn't know how to put in words the things she instinctively knows about Cristina without using words. The scary part was that you, somehow, understood it too. You didn't think you'd ever understand Cristina, but you did in some strange way. She hadn't been lying when she said you were alike.
"I get it." You shrug your shoulders, and she nods. Silence consumes the room again, but you don't mind. Everything was out in the open between the three of you now, there was no more chatting to be done- not until Izzie woke up. Meredith needed her too, and Izzie hated letting Meredith down. She'd been three days late on rent once, and she'd nearly broken down in tears in panic about it. Meredith wasn't even upset. You think it had something to do with the fact that Derek was now paying part of the rent- you froze. Rent. What was she going to do about rent?
Somewhere along the way, you'd fallen asleep, only to be awoken by the door again. You'd half expected it to be Mer leaving, but you realized she was asleep in the chair across from you, so you woke yourself up enough to focus. After all, you wouldn't let Derek get to Mer again, not ever again.
"You know, they gave you a bed for a reason, Karev." You blush, thankfully in the darkness, as you make out Bailey's petite frame at the edge of the bed. "And Grey? What are you doing here? Didn't you work a 12 hour shift today? Go home! Get some sleep!" Meredith groggily opens her eyes long enough to shake her head, before closing them again. Clearly whatever dream she was having, she wasn't ready for it to end. You smiled in envy. You wished you could have a good dream. They seemed to be eluding you. Not only were they not happy, Izzie didn't exist in them, and that scared you more than anything else. Were you really suppose to move on? Could you do that?
"I know." You whisper when you realize she expects some sort of answer from you. You couldn't bring yourself to give your fully pathetic excuse of not being able to convince yourself to be that far away from her. If she moved, if she even so much as twitched, you wanted to feel it. You couldn't do that from across the room. You watch, only slightly anxious as Bailey walks over to you and places a hand on your shoulder. "Go lay down, Karev. I'll hold her hand for a little while." You hesitate, but even in the darkness you can feel her glare. It wasn't an offer, it was an order.
"Alright." You nod, because if there was anyone that would look out for Izzie as well as you do, it was Bailey. She would never admit it, but you knew she saw the group of you as her babies, even though she has her own child, and she isn't even really that much older than you. You didn't mind though, because Bailey had taken care of all of you when you needed her to without ever having to ask her. She just knew. "Just.. I mean.. if.."
"I'll wake you up." She smiles at you, and you nod. That was all you needed as you climbed onto the other bed, and crashed into the pillows. You were surprised by how good it felt to stretch out, even on the incredibly hard bed. You got one more glance at Izzie before your eyes closed for good.
You heard the voices only milliseconds before the light penetrated behind your eyelids, waking you from your surprisingly deep sleep. The voices were Meredith and Bailey, you realized as you sat up. They didn't look like they'd moved at all, and you smiled. If Izzie could see this, she wouldn't try so hard to make people love her. She would know that they did regardless.
"Good morning, Prince Charming." Bailey grinned at you, and suddenly you felt off kilter. It wasn't like Bailey to call you nicknames, much less ones from fairytales. It made you nervous as you glanced at Meredith, what all had she told? You blink, it wasn't as if Meredith knew much. You'd just said you were engaged. You sighed. None of it seemed to matter anymore.
It'd been four days.
"We think her hand twitched." Meredith blurted out, and your eyes bulged as you jumped off the bed and sprinted the short distance to Bailey's side.
"When?" You ask as you take Izzie's hand gently in yours, wanting to feel it for yourself.
"Just now. Probably why you woke up. We may have gotten carried away, or um, seeing things." Meredith blushed as she realized how hard you would take that. It would be cruel to give you false hope at that point. So cruel.
"Just wait a minute." Bailey soothed you as she stood up and shined a light in Izzie's eyes. "You know this stuff takes time, Karev. Let's just see."
You felt it! You can feel both of their eyes on your hand when Iz's fingers gently squeeze it. She knows it's you. You smile. That was all you needed. She was fighting. Time was something you had as long as she was fighting. You would wait forever.
"Well I'll be damned." Bailey smiled as she brushed Izzie's hair out of her eye. "I always knew she was a fighter." You hear the tears forming in her words, so you don't look at her. You would want someone to give you a moment to gather yourself too. "Come on, Stevens. Open your eyes for me."
You feel the tingles in your spine as you kiss her hand, and again there's a small movement. She can hear! "Come on, Iz. Come back to me, babe." You whisper, blocking out the other two women in the room.
"Alex?" You nearly jump out of your chair when you realize the dry raspy voice was Izzie's. If it wasn't for Bailey, you would have kissed her right then, but you control yourself- just barely- long enough to pore her some water in a cup. Yes, water, you thought. Water would help with her voice. Then you could convince yourself it was real. Her voice was impossible to duplicate. You were sure of it.
"We'll go get the nurses." Meredith mumbles as she glances at Bailey, but you don't bother to watch the gesture. You don't care where they go or who they get. You don't care if they tell the entire hospital. Izzie- your love, your fiancee, your life had come back to you. She had fought for you. To believe in the good in your life WAS to believe in Izzie, and she'd rewarded you for it. She'd stayed for you. You could only hope that she wouldn't go back on everything.
"You're here." She whispers, and you kiss her cheek.
"You can't get rid of me that easily." You grin, and she laughs. It felt so good to hear her laugh again. You'd been so afraid you'd never hear it again. So afraid.
"Did you mean what you said, Alex? About loving Izzie Karev?" She blushes, and you are in awe that she looks as if SHE'S unworthy of you. That was definitely not the case.
"There's nothing I want more, Iz. I just want you to stay with me."
She grins as you lean your forehead against hers. "Are you asking me to go steady with you?" The mocking in her voice sends a shiver down your spine, and you quickly shake your head.
"I'm asking for forever."
"I'm not going anywhere." She whispers as tears pool in her eyes, and you can feel them in yours as well.
"No. No, you're not." You smile as you kiss her gently on the lips. There was no way you were going to lose her now.
The End.
A/N:: 1st, I would like to say that I really hope everyone liked this. Because I really do love the song, and I would hate if I ruined it for someone. and 2nd. well. this wasn't really the ending I had in my head. but u know. things happen. n I think I'm okay with it.