Battlefield

Callie's POV

It's easy to fall in love
But it's so hard to break somebody's heart
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield

I stopped in front of the bedroom door and closed my eyes to find the courage I needed every time I had to knock on the wooden surface. It was not even a week ago that I told the woman that I love more than my own life that I needed to feel free and be on my own for a while to figure stuff out. Six days ago, I left her during the therapy session that was supposed to be the end of our break, but instead, I walked away. She had said her bits and I said mine and I couldn't stand to look into her eyes. Those eyes that I loved so much, the joy in them, the shiny and sparkling blue that could light up my day. But those very same eyes were constantly teary now. Or empty. And I didn't know what was worse.

Knocking softly, I pushed the wooden door open and said, "Sofia is tucked in for the night, she asked for you so I told her I'd get you." Then I wanted to leave. I actually should leave, but I couldn't get myself to move. I was frozen to the spot, my legs not working as my mind raced a mile a minute.

Once lust has turned to dust and all that's left's held breath
Forgotten who we first met
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield

I could easily fall back into my old pattern. I had done it during our ordered break. Twice. The first time it had been just a kiss, at least that was what I had told the therapist. The truth was, though, that with Arizona, it had never been 'just a kiss'. Because every time our lips were pressed against each other, I could feel that spark, that electrifying lust running through my veins and it was so hard to stop the first time, that I knew from the beginning, that I wouldn't be able to hold back a second time. And I didn't. Because sex with Arizona was always life altering, earth shattering amazing. And I missed my wife. I missed the woman that I loved, that I married three and a half years ago. I missed her so much that I threw caution to the wind had seduced her into a night of passionate sex, kisses and cuddles.

"I can't keep doing this, Callio... Callie."

Arizona's words ripped me out of my thoughts. The slip of my real name didn't go unheard, but I chose to ignore it. She and my father were the only two people who could get away with calling me Calliope without me being mad at them. Well, actually it was only the blonde sitting on the bed right now, my father simply refused to call me anything else. But when Arizona said my name, it caused the butterflies in my stomach to rise higher and higher. At least, it used to have this effect. "You can't keep doing what, Arizona? Not say goodnight to your child?", I asked in disbelief.

We both know it's coming
Does illusion count for something we hide?
The surface tension's gotta break, one drop is all it takes to flood out this lie

"No. I can't keep doing this!", she stated loudly, her hand pointing first at me and then her finger roughly met her own chest. "This thing, whatever this is, it kills me. It's been a week and you only talk to me when it is something about Sofia. You're punishing me and we're both punishing our daughter. Don't you see that she notices that something is off?"

Of course I could see it. My daughter was basically a copy of my own face. And also a mirror of my own inner self. She had a big heart, never hurt a fly and stepped around the earthworms on rainy days. And she also caught on to the tense situation at home. But what should I do? Leave the house we bought together? Make her choose a place to stay every day? It was hard the first time, I don't think she would handle a second time any better. "What do you want me to do?", I asked although I knew the answer.

"Give me a second chance", she pleaded, her eyes once again full of tears that threatened to fall over the rim and run down her cheeks.

You and I
We have to let each other go
We keep holding on but we both know
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield

"No", I stated and walked down the hall. Because it wasn't a second chance. Not even a third. And I wasn't talking solely about her, but about us. We've had our second chance after she broke up with me for the first time, saying that she didn't want kids. How wrong she had been for thinking that she wasn't going to be an amazing mom! But still, we've had so many chances and we've never learned from our mistakes in the past. I felt tears welling up and I tried to swallow the knot that had formed in my throat. How did we get here? How did we end up fighting so much, and even more, how did I end up putting a break on everything so I wouldn't have to fight anymore?

Peace will come when one of us puts down the gun
Be strong for both of us
No please, don't run, don't run
Eye to eye, we face our fears unarmed on the battlefield

"Callie!", she came running after me and stopped me before I could hide behind the door of my new bedroom. "Callie, please. I love you. I poured my heart out for you and you still left. What do you need me to do to make it work? I'll do it. Just, please.

We seemed like a good idea
We seemed like a good idea

"Don't you see it, Arizona? I can't do it anymore. I am exhausted. Do you think it's easy for me because it was my decision?", I asked and looked at her, our faces only inches apart. "It is not easy. I see you and I want to kiss you and I want to hold you and tell you that it's all going to be okay. But I can't because I don't know. Because-"

"Because you want to feel free", she recited my words, her voice cold, yet thick with tears as she interrupted me.

"Because I need you to feel free too. We both need to love ourselves before we can love each other again. Truly love each other instead of feeling stuck or obligated to stay in this marriage. I love you, God knows I do. But with everything that has happened to us, from the break up over babies, over Africa and me having sex with Mark which got me pregnant, over the car crash and you almost losing us, over the plane crash and us almost losing you, over the leg", I paused. It always came back to the leg, "over you cheating on me to where we are now, in a marriage that isn't sunshine and rainbows because it is toxic, we need to free ourselves from the past to have any chance at a future together." I took a breath, that ramble ended up being longer than intended and it seriously left me out of air. "We need to take care of Sofia and that is right now the only reason I haven't moved out. Because I don't want Sofia to feel like we don't love her. So, for now. Let us be good parents instead of wife and wife and figure out what the future can be like when we're both happy."

No blood will spill if we both get out now
Still it's hard to put the fire out
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield

"What if I can't?" she asked me but at the same time, she let go of my arm. "What if I can't wait that long?"

Feelings are shifting like the tide
And I think too much about the future
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield

I had the chance to turn away and just slip into my bedroom, but I didn't. I didn't hate her and she deserved an answer to her question. Even if I couldn't give her a clear yes or no at the moment, I wanted her to know that I thought about our future too. "I don't know, Arizona. All I know is that I don't want to live on a battlefield anymore. I want to be happy again. And I want you to be happy. I want you to thrive in your career, whether it is as the best pediatric surgeon on the west coast or as Dr. Herman's shiny star fellow. I said it before and I truly mean it, I want so much for you, Arizona, because I do love you. I just don't think that loving you is enough, nor is it the best I can do right now." Subconsciously, I leaned closer, my lips only a millimeter away from hers. I could easily kiss her, grab her, pin her to the wall and have rough sex with her. But I didn't. I pulled away, gave her a tight-lipped smile and retreated into my bedroom.

We seemed like a good idea
We seemed like a good idea
We seemed like a good idea
We seemed like a good idea

The song is Battlefield - Lea Michele