And You My Love Are Gone
Why did you have to go?
Perry paced their…her dorm room for what must have been the hundredth time that day, or was it night? She had lost track of time a while ago…or was it ages ago? She couldn't remember. Time was stretching…or stopping Perry wasn't sure. She turned and walked the all too familiar wooden floor again, she tripped slightly on the carpet that stretched between the two beds and her eyes made her way to the empty bed…the bed which should have contained her best friend. The covers were thrown back and the pillows were at angles. Everything else in the room was perfectly and strategically placed but the bed…Perry couldn't bring herself to make it or to even touch it; it was just so….LaFontaine.
I miss you.
The hours stretched endlessly and still Perry paced the floor, she paced and turned, paced and turned until her legs would no longer respond to her commands and she collapsed to the floor. She half-lay half-sat on the plush rug and leaned back against her own bed. Her head lolled to the side and her ginger curls cascaded around her face in a curtain that blocked out the view of the room. Perry wished it could block out the emotions that were currently churning her stomach and making her head pound. She reached a shaking hand up to brush aside her curls and was surprised to find her cheeks were wet; when had she started crying again? Did she ever stop?
I wished we hadn't fought.
The scene played over and over again in the floor don's head like a buffering movie or a song stuck on repeat. Every time it played she wanted to change her actions, rethink the words, say the right things. Every time she failed. Perry wanted to stop failing, stop falling just…stop. Out of all the strange things that seemed to infect the campus of Silas University, there was nothing Perry wanted to be there, except for maybe a time machine. Then she could go back, do another take, rewrite the script, change the scene- she could have LaFontaine back.
You're still my friend.
The hateful words she had said echoed round Perry's head, ricocheting like a bouncy ball of the sides of her skull. Was. Was my friend. No that wasn't right. Su-LaFontaine is Perry's friend. There's no past tense about it, or at least there shouldn't be. But now…now everything may be past tense. Now there was no future…not without her…them there. Her arms were cold and the room silent- there was no bubbles strangely floating round the room, no sickening smell rising from an unmanned test tube, no neon smoke that really should set off the fire detectors. There was no LaFontaine.
You're far more than a friend.
Why had Perry waited so long to tell he-them? Why did she wait until they were well into their first year of college? She had so many opportunities to tell them before then, so why didn't she? Of course she was scared but she shouldn't have been; it was LaFontaine. They had been friends since they were five, they got on the bus together, they went on holidays together, they chose the same topics for class essays, they were Lola and Susan and then they were Perry and Susan…then they were Perry and LaFontaine. Nothing could have changed that.
I'm sorry.
Perry had repeated the words over and over in her head God alone knows how many times. Now she had taken to saying it aloud. "I'm sorry." Over and over and over and over and over again. "I'm sorry." She whispered, no that was stupid, how could anyone hear her if she whispered? "I'm sorry." She said louder this time but it was not loud enough. "I'm sorry!" She yelled it out this time, LaFontaine had to be able to hear that right? There was no answer. "I'm sorry!" Perry practically screamed. She called it out, again and again until her throat was scratched and sore, there was still no reply. The woman broke down into sobs and curled up on the floor beside one of LaFontaine's hoodies, she wrapped the material up in her arms and cried into the soft cotton. After a while she returned to whispering in between sobs "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please come back to me."
I love you.